First, yes this is a fem! Harry story and the golden trio doesn't have the canon pairings. Why? Because I'm currently writing a 'reading the books' story about a fem! Harry, so I'm gonna try not messing my brain up more than it already is… Read and review! Enjoy!
"Sirius?" 15-year old Elizabeth Potter asked.
"Yes pup?" Sirius knew that tone of voice all too well, her father used it when he was about to confess something and he was scared of being punished.
"Ehm, would you mind signing my detention slips?"
"McGonagall was finally able to change the rules about the detention slips?"
"What kind of trouble do you get in? I never hear you talk about any pranks?" Sirius was, just like most people, convinced the trio never got into any trouble, well accept the one that involved a snake-faced git.
Elizabeth grimaced. "That's because you and Remus are around miss Weasley all the time."
"Right. Should I sign Ron's to? Maybe he would like to keep his eardrums intact…"
"Could you do that? Hermione's to?"
"Hermione? Oh come on!"
Elizabeth grinned again "You know the good girl image is good to get us out of trouble."
"Don't I know it" Sirius responded thinking about Remus.
"Go get your slips and ask your friends to bring theirs too"
"Well, uhm, they're kinda in an album"
"An album?" Sirius chuckled.
"Well, we wrote down the pranks and stuff we didn't get caught for in there to. You know, so maybe one day we could give it to our children one day…"
"Go get it!"
When Elizabeth walked into the living room again, she found not only Sirius, but also Remus, Tonks, Kingsley, Fred (sigh), George, Ron, Hermione, Ginny and Dumbledore. Fuck.
"Ehm, I'll be back some other time…"
"No no pup, they're here because we all want to do what kind of mischief you guys get in!"
Clearly, Sirius, Fred, George, Remus and co didn't expect much. Hermione and Ron where looking around nervously.
"Won't we get in trouble?" Elizabeth asked glancing at Dumbledore.
"I assure you, you can't be punished for past actions miss Potter."
"Right, here you go Sirius."
Detention: Elizabeth Potter
Convicted of: stealing professor Lupin's chocolate stash.
Comments: Not the chocolate!
Detention: Ronald Weasley, Elizabeth Potter
Convicted of: animal cruelty, shaving hair Ms. Norris so it spells "Kick me"
By: Filch, caretaker
Comments: You brats!
Detention: Hermione Granger
Convicted of: Flooding great hall.
Comments: 'practicing charms' is no excuse!
Detention: Hermione Granger
Convicted of: adding water slides to the flooded great hall.
Detention: Elizabeth Potter, Ronald Weasley
Convicted of: locking up griffindor and Slytherin first years and taking bets on who comes out alive.
Comments: There are better ways to beat the Slytherins.
Detention: Elizabeth Potter
Convicted of: dying my hair pink
Detention: Ronald Weasley
Convicted of: insulting caretaker(old filchy)
By: Filch, caretaker
Comments: I will find a way to hang you on my ceiling!
"These are all your detentions?"
"We almost never got caught after that"
We, meaning, Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Billius Weasley, and Elizabeth Lilian Potter herby swear that everything on this list was executed or was tried to be executed or was tried to be executed but was stopped by Hermione. Ronald! Ron! What? You know it's true? Yeah your right. Now look at the parchement you two. It's fine Hermione. No one but us will read this anyway. Stupid quick note quills…
1- You should never write an angry note to your mother and tell her too "get a life". Are you trying too commit suicide Ron!
2- You should never dye Malfoys hair red and gold. No matter how funny it is.
3- Never ask professor Snape if he's actually the muggle hero batman, no matter how many times he insults you. Seriously, if you want your eardrums too survive, just don't.
4- You're at it don't ask him if he's the grandchild of Dracula
5- Or ask McGonnal if it's true she's catwoman. No matter how funny she would look in tight leather.
6- Nor attempt to stop her halfway through transfiguration
7- Never give Hermione a book called "Why I shouldn't read books". It's not worth it, she doesn't talk to you for a month straight. That wasn't funny! Yes it was! I thought you weren't talking to me? Right!
8- If Draco Malfoy and Elizabeth are glaring at each other in the hallways don't yell out "Just kiss already!" Even if Luna Lovegood calls out "yes I thought so too" Really, there's nothing Beth does better than revenge.
9- If Ron and Hermione are arguing again don't call out "just kiss already". No matter how much they deserve it. Hey!
10- You should never hang a sign on the library doors banning all Ravenclaws and Hermione from the library until further notice if you don't have a death wish.
11- You shouldn't send a note to any or all the Malfoys if they ever did 'it ' with Moldywarts.
12- You shouldn't put laxatives in professor Dumbledores lemon drops.
13- Then offer said lemon drops to first years.
14- You shoudln't teach Peeves how to use a paintball gun. Please. There are just some things you cannot do.
15- You shouldn't give Professor Snape/McGonnal/Filch a manual on muggle internet dating techniques. Please have some mercy for those pore innocent singles on the net.
16- While the gesture is thoughtfull you shouldn't give kitty litters to professor McGonnal.
17- Nor is buying professor Snape shampoo or professor Flitwick a ladder. No matter how hard they need it.
18- You shouldn't make the assumed notion that there is something going on between Filch and madam Pince, although it might be true.
19- Especially don't ask it to their faces.
20- You shoudn't send Lucius Malfoy a note from his son confessing Draco's eternal adoration of the muggleborn Hermione Granger. Really I'm sick just thinking of it.
21- You should never steal Dean Thomas's art supplies and hide them in Elizabeth's desk to watch the fight that will happen.
22- You may have heard of spray painting but have you ever heard of pudding painting? It's the brand new sensation that's sweeping the nation, where you can use different types of pudding (chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, plum, etc.) to make beautiful three-dimensional arts! All you have to do is pick up a scoop of pudding, aim and fire at someone! However we are here to tell you to never, ever do that Hogwarts. Pudding painting has been banned at Hogwarts since the era of the loathsome Phineus Negilus Black. Thank you. *If by any chance you do happen to try pudding painting then we are not to be held responsible for any fatal injuries if you get pudding into Draco Malfoy's precious platinum blonde hair.
23- Although people say that house elves are supposed to help you, you should never ask them to do your homework.
24- You should not imply to Rita Skeeter that you are troubled by the "improper relationship" that you believe is between the heir of the Malfoy family and the Potions Master in the deep dungeons of Slytherin.
25- We all know the current head of Gryffindor should loosen up a little but apparently that doesn't give you the right to dye her hair hot pink.
26- You should never call Draco Malfoy by the nickname "Sunshine".
27- Apparently he doesn't like "princess" either.
28- Or Drakey-poo
29- You should never give Lucius Malfoy a Christmas gift that consists of a stunning portrait of him in a stylish Muggle dress of lavender satin, with pink velvet roses framed in gold thread. He's just not worth it.
30- You should never set up a blind date between Draco Malfoy and Ronald Weasley. That was just eeeeeew.
31- You should never sneak into the Slytherin common room to paint it red and gold unless you happen to adore the idea of a painfully long demise.
32- You should not introduce Professor Trelawny to the device referred to as a television, tell her it is a magical portal that gives a glimpse into the happenings of the future, show her a World War II film, and insist that the film now shown is actually an indication of what the future will be like.
33- Spinning up a tale of how the pivotal turning point of such a drastic upcoming started at the sudden annihilation of one Elizabeth Potter would just be overkill. The poor women would die of anticipation.
34- You should not refer to Sirius as your dog-father.
35- You should not give Dolores Umbridge a pet that is a repulsive toad wearing a pink bonnet and insist that it is her long lost cousin.
36- You should not refer to the order of the phoenix as the order of the flying stuffed turkey. No matter how angry you are.
37- You should never visit Dumbledore while singing "We're of to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" That's not to bad? It is when Umbridge catches you.
38- You should especially avoid doing it with a house elf choir as background singers. Especially not with kazzoos. Hermione would kill y-.
39- You should never ask Malfoy what shade of hairdye he uses to keep his hair that shade of blonde.
40- You should never send a note to Voldemort saying he has to "get a life". It just makes him want to kill you more.
41- You shouldn't make smooch noises when Dumbledore and Grindelwald are mentioned in the same sentence.
42- You should never refer to Voldemort as an accomplished drama queen. Although he totally has that going to him.
43- You also shouldn't make invitations for dear old Tommy boy, Umbridge, Lockhart, Rita Skeeter and any member of Tommy boys inner circle for an I-hate-Elizabeth-Potter-and-I-would-gladly-use-her-spine-as-a-toothpick party.
44- You should never dare Elizabeth Potter to turn her godfather into a cat. I'm not going there, contrary to popular believe I do like to live.
45- You should never ask Snape why he is so obsessed with the griffindor golden girl. She isn't that cute after all.
46- You should never call Filch "old Filchy" unless you prefer being hanged from the ceiling by your entrails which he would totally do, Dumbledore's protection or not.
47- You should never give Draco Malfoy a recipe for an ancient "rare potion" that involves a strange dark liquid called diet coke and a potion ingredient called mentos, tell him that to make the potion he has to put the mentos into the diet coke and shake it really hard and then point it directly at his face.
48- You also shouldn't tell Collin Creevey to film it and sell it to the great majority of the Hogwarts population.
49- You should never use the Confundus curse to convince Snape that pink is the new gothic color of the fashion season. It's plain suicide.
50- You should never charm all of professor Dumbledore's clothes black. The guy thrives on bright and weird colours. You'll just give him a depression.
51- You should never offer one of Hagrid's Blast- ended Skrewts as a thoughtful gift to a certain Lord Drama Queen Wannabe aka the self proclaimed Dark Lord and write a note explaining how it's from the Malfoy family.
52- You should never start one of the aforementioned notes to Malfoy senior by "Darling Lucia" or just plain "Lucia".
53- For some reason he isn't that fond of "Little Lucy" either.
54- You should never transfigure Draco Malfoy into a girl, although it would be so easy that even a talented first year could do it. I mean let's face it. The guy pretty much looks like a girl already, anyway.
55- You should never paint the Great Hall hot pink of all colors. Seriously you shouldn't. Lockhart's got that done way back in second year during Valentines Day. To do it again would be unbelievably tacky. Besides do you really want to copy Lockhart?
56- You should never call Madam Pince the "Book Pincer" if you wish to continue visiting the Hogwarts library.
57- You should never hand out notes to the first year griffindors saying 'come to the dark side, we have cookies!"
58- We all know that Voldie- our favorite obsessive, homicidal maniac that we all know and love- has an inferiority complex. Turns out, he gets really insulted if you start to ask why he's so desperate for any kind of attention and if it's because he was neglected as a child. But really, what does he expect people to think if he continues to go skipping around Britain, sending out killing curses like they're party favors, and demanding that people refer to him as "Lord"?
59- You should not fill all of the shampoos in Ravenclaw with electric blue hair dye.
60- You should never use transfiguration to turn your beloved Potions Master Sevvy, into a giant griffin painted in red and gold colors. I was just practicing! Sure you were Hermione, sure you were.
61- You should never hand Ron a long, leather whip and a cowboy hat, then tell him about the famous American pioneer/ Wizarding hero that he so resembles and was named Indiana Jones.
62- While the sentiment is thoughtful, you should never buy Draco Malfoy a pink make up box filled to the brim with foundation, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow, and etc. for the Yule holidays.
63- You should never introduce Peeves to the fascinating Muggle sport referred to as dodge ball and suggest that instead of using normal red rubber balls, he should use bludgers.
64- You should never point out how the little first years- particularly those in Hufflepuff- make the perfect targets for Peeves friendly game of dodge ball.
65- You should never replace all the filling in the Slytherin treacle tarts at the Hogwarts welcoming feast with Veritaserum and then go and happily interrogate them about their most humiliating moments, deepest fears, etc.
66- You should never tell Hagrid about the famous Yeti's found in the Himalayas, tell him that he should go look for the creatures and then hand him a useless map that you had scribbled some directions thoughtlessly on during class.
67- You should never use red paint to draw a bloody circle on the back of Hermione Granger's pants to show that she might have gotten a little monthly visit from the wonderful presence known as Mother Nature. Apperently women on PMS are a bit touchy.
68- You shouldn't spread rumors to all the Muggle born kids who are missing their Saturday morning cartoons that Draco Malfoy happens to have a private telly in his room in the Slytherin dungeons.
69- You should also never tell any of the students (especially those in Gryffindor) about the recent password of the Slytherin house this week.
70- Handing some red, gold, and pink spray paint to Dean Thomas might just be taking it a little far. We don't want the students in Slytherin to start crying after all. Yes we do. Good point.
71- You should never start selling front row tickets to the next inevitable screaming match between Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley.
72- You should especially make sure that said Granger and Weasley not find about your sales or you'll be killed. At least she knows it now.
73- You should never propose a new holiday dubbed the "Day Everything Goes Unbelievably Freaking Wrong And Usually Results In Someone Nearly Dying A Horrific And Rather Painful Death" day on Halloween. We can call it DEGUFWRURISNDAHARPD day for short! Let's face it; I do seem to have a lot of issues during All Hollow's Eve.
74- "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
75- You should never refer to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
76- You shouldn't insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
77- Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
78- I shouldn't refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
79- I should not dye miss Norris neon pink.
80- I should not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends" either.
81- I should not refer to my semi-uncles PMS (pre moon syndrome)
82- Apperently he doesn't like "his time of the month" either. Dunno why. Because it's tactless Ron! Why? Argh! Not again!
83- I shouldn't bring a magic 8 ball to divination class
84- I should not steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it. That's mean Ron. Yeah, but funny.
85- I am not allowed to have a snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha. You asked?
86- Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
87- . I should stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
88- I should not sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
89- Asking "How do you keep a Huffelpuff in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
90- I should not offer to pose naked for Collin Creevey as a joke when he's taken his 8000th picture of us. I swear he can't tell sarcasm from real life. That's just… eww.
91- I should not tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
92- I should not tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously either. Really bad idea.
93- I should not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick. He takes it seriously.
94- I should not take out a life insurance policy on Elizabeth Potter. Not only is it inpossible but she doesn't think it's funny.
95- Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I should cease going after the prefects with a sword.
96- I should not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.
97- Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.
98- I should not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".
99- I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
100- Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
101- I am not a Professor, at all.
102- I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard. Even Elizabeth thinks it's a step to far.
103- I am not allowed to go to the student laundry.
104- Or the teacher laundry.
105- It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory to Hagrid, no matter how wicked the result would be.
106- Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.
107- Charming the label does not change anything.
108- I shouldn't eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
109- -Even if we brought enough for everyone.
110- -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.
111- Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
112- -Testing this last bit is not funny.
113- Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
114- The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
115- If someone's House Badge is green and mine is red, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."
116- Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".
117- -Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".
118- I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.
119- -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon. Really Beth?
120- A wand is for magic only; it is not for playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
121- I should stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."
122- I should not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
123- My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."
124- I should not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.
125- I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball. You didn't? Off course not! I was just thinking about it. Too bad, I'd like too know the answer…
126- The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
127- When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil, I should not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"
128- Nor should I refer to the annual June battle of good vs. evil as the annual June battle of good vs. evil.
129- I should not refer to any Death Eaters as 'Trixie.
130- I should not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
131- The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I should not threaten her with a can of Raid.
132- Or anything else, really, I think I've blackmailed her enough.
133- I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."
134- I should not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort. In the annual june battle of good vs. evil.
135- I should not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
136- I should not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy. No matter how much he resembles my godfather
137- I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy either.
138- When filling in a carreer form for after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
139- Putting down "Voldemort" is probably not a good idea either.
140- I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
141- I should not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
142- A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
143- Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.
144- I should not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
145- Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.
146- I should not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas. Again? It's worth a try!
147- I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.
148- Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.
149- Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
150- If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
151- We are Not allowed out of our dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
152- I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
153- -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
154- I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.
155- I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.
156- Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
157- Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.
158- Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy; he does not need to be told... again.
159- Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
160- Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.
161- Professor umbridge is not the wicked witch of the west. She won't melt of you pour water over her. Unfortunately.
162- "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
163- My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
164- No part of the school uniform is edible.
165- -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible either.
166- I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".
167- Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.
168- I should not use silencing charms on my Professors.
169- -I should not use silencing charms on my Prefects.
170- -I should not use silencing charms, period.
171- I should not prophesy the end of the world more than once.
172- Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.
173- Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
174- If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
175- I should not charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.
176- Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.
177- Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
178- I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
179- - Especially not all of them at once.
180-I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.
181- I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.
182- When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
183- -I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.
184- I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.
185- -Or Wicca
186- I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
187- -Or the referee.
188- The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.
189- I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
190- I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
191- I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
192- I should not accept anything edible from a Weasley.Oi!
193- "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.
194- I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
195- Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".
196- Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
197- Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
198- Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
199- Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale."
200- It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
201- The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
202- I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.
203- I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
204- I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it to Professor McGonagall.
205-I will stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.
206- Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting OWL-level Potions classes.
207- Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
208- Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.
209- Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" as a joke is ill advised.
210- I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
211- It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
212- I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
213- Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.
214- -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.
215- -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.
216- I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
217- I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals
218- I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.
219- - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
220- The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
221- If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
222- Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.
223- The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".
224- The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
225- I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
226- Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'
227- Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable. Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'. Or 'I'm too sexy'. And we're under influence of one of the Weasleytwin products.
228- Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
229- A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.
230- -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.
231- -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.
232- I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.
233- Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.
234- You should not sing "you can see clearly now" after cleaning Elizabeth's glasses.
235- You should not ask Malfoy if bouncing feels like flying. You will need that bodyguard again.
236- I should not leave flowers outside Minerva's chambers with a note saying "From Ronald Weasley. I did enjoy dancing with you in 4th year."
237- I should not recommend Snape a very good therapist in London.
238- I should not get my house table to do the Mexican Wave every morning at breakfast.
239- You will not find Snape and Lockhart discussing the importance of firm nail beds in Snape's chambers at exactly 9.00 pm. There should be not be signs everywhere saying so and encouraging people to attend the discussion. Even if Professor Dumbledore felt the need to go along.
240- Do not refer to Draco as a Barbie Girl.
241- Hermione does not sing ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta touch me I wanna be dirrrty to Draco. Nor will I ever. To anyone.
242- Configuring a list of things to do to Snape and leaving it on his desk is probably not wise.
243- Do not subscribe to Girlfriend Magazine and then owl it to Draco every morning in the Great Hall.
The entire room was laughing. Even the Weasley twins were impressed… Between laughter Tonks could just choke out. "You guys did what?"