A/N: Thanks to readers so far. Again, I feel as though I should apologize in advance, to everyone out there, and the Bard himself. This chapter might be a little confusing - and I know exactly why. Basically, while Thirteenth Night is going on, the director gets annoyed and fires the 'Stage Direction Dude'... and fires the new one... and again... and again. But they keep coming back. Just try to keep up, basically. You Shakespeare readers are smart - you'll get it. And thanks to reviewers, Cordelia Rosencrantz (I love your username - Hamlet is one of my favorite plays) and Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley (I, personally, am a huge fan of Tom Hiddleston's work, and loved his performance in Henry IV, Parts 1& 2, and, although to a lesser extent, Henry V as well).
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Bard's plays, nor his characters from Twelfth Night, Macbeth or Midsummer Night's Dream. I do not own Charlie Brown, either, and all of the story that sounds like something he would say are quotes from the original comic strip, albeit with some past tense/present tense modifications.
Enjoy, and please review!
THIRTEENTH NIGHT: IN PERFECT CONTEMPORARY ENGLISH
Act 1, Prologue
[The scene: a dock. A few people bustle about the place, but it is a hooded figure that we focus on as he makes his slow way across the stage, muttering inaudibly to himself. Wait a momen- why am I in ITALICS? I'm the stage direction dude! I demand to be in CAPS LOCK ALL THE TIME! Oh, I see how it is. You think YOU DECIDE WHEN I'M IN CAPS LOCK? WELL, this is JUST MAKING THE READER dizzy. Haha. You're LOSING READERS. Wait, NO, don't cut me off, I still have to set the sce-]
Fabian: Malvolio! Malvolio! My lady wishes to offer you peace!
[Silence. SEE? YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! I AM THE STAGE DIRECTION DU - a Boy enters... STOP IT!]
Boy: Hello, mister. Looking for someone in particular?
Fabian: Oh, dear - have you seen a stuffy-looking man, perhaps with a cloak and hood?
Boy: I've seen a lot of stuffy-looking men.
[Fabian flips a coin towards him. I'M BACK, BABY, AND BETTER THAN V$# - WHAT THE heCK? WHy are YOU REPLACing my letters with keyboard symbols? I AM THE STAGE DIRECTION DUDE - you cannot defeat !7^)( $#!)-]
Fabian: There's a coin. Now, where is he?
Boy: Went to a boat called the Tiger - headed to Scotland.
Fabian: God buy you!
Boy: And you, mister. [Raises a hand dramatically] Now, TO THE CANDYSTORE!
[Exeunt. HA! See? Even tHE CHARacters are using CAPS LOCK! I win! ]
Act 1, Scene 1
[The scene: the Scottish Highlands. Malvolio trudges up and down them, panting. Lovely Scotland. Took me bird there once. Oh, yeah. I'm the replacement stage direction guy. 'Ello, love. 'Ow ya doin'? Yesh, I took dis job caws I was in dyre need of the green stuff, ya know. Anyhoo, what was I saying, I took me bird to Scotland. It was fun. And-]
Malvolio [Panting. Anyway, as I was saying-]: Stupid... Scottish... hills.
Three Witches [Chanting. Anyway, as I was saying-]: We three witches, hand in hand...
Malvolio: There they are! Vamanos!
[Malvolio grabs a purple backpack and a monkey, which screeches in annoyance. Ya know, mac, it's really rude to cut off people when they're talkin' and-]
Three Witches: Posters of the sea and land...
Malvolio: Um... excuse me?
Second Witch: Shut up!
Malvolio: How dare you speak to me that way?! Give me a potion!
First Witch: What's the magic word?
Malvolio: Uh... 'double double toil and trouble'?
Third Witch: Oh, please. We never actually used that!
Malvolio: I have no time for Illyrian Jeopardy, hag! The potion?
First Witch: What do you want it to do?
Malvolio: I want my revenge. I wish for my enemies to bath in the soil of their own-
First Witch: Uh uh uh, sonny. You had me at 'revenge'. Let's go, ladies!
Second Witch [Clearly a male]: Yeah!
[Cue disco music. You know, lady, you could stand to learn some manners. Me bird knows her manners, so she does. Anyway, as I was saying-]
Third Witch: ABRACADABRA HOKEY-POKEY SKITTLES!
[HAHA! I'm BaCk! AnD YOUR chaRacterS are UsiNg CAPS LOCK. I WIN! I WIN!]
[Go away, man. The position's been filled, so it has.]
Malvolio: Really? That's all it takes?
First Witch: Yup. William really exaggerated our spells. Now, this poem will cause two of your enemies to switch minds, brains, spirits, whatever. Not bodies. Just say their names to the vial and the spell will work.
Malvolio: Huh. Well, thank you.
Three Witches: Beware, beware, beware!
[A scream echoes offstage. Ya know, ya'll know ya'll gonna have to get rid of this other guy. He's annoyin'.]
[TAKes ONE 2 KNOw onE, BUddY.]
Act 1, Scene 2
[Enter Malvolio, dressed as a girl. Okay, so you know I'm, like, the new stage direction gal. And I like puppies and ponies and death and pink and rainbows and-]
Malvolio: The things you have to do to get a job these days.
[Enter Olivia. Like, she's pretty, but not as pretty as me. Anyway. Like.]
Olivia: Welcome, good-
Malvolio: Uh. Malvol...ia.
Olivia: Welcome, good Malvolia. Well, you can start right away. If you need anything, just talk to Maria. She's great.
Malvolio [Falsetto. Like, that's so sexist. Or racist. I, like, forget. Puppies]: Well, I'm ever so glad that you had a job opening for head servant.
Olivia: Yes, well now you can boss all the other servants around. Won't that be wonderful? [Her voice switches to angry. Like, you go girl!]SEBASTIAN, WHERE ARE MY SHOES?
[HUrRay! CAPS LOCK!]
[Will someone please get him out 'a here? He's upsettin' my bird, dontcha know.]
[That's sexist! Or racist. I, like, forget. Anyway, this is MY job now.]
[HurRay! CAPS LOCK!]
[Go, like, away!]
Sebastian [Offstage. Well, I think they're, like, gone. Thank, like, goodness.]: Coming, dear.
Malvolio: Oh, good witches' potion, switch the minds of Count Orsino and Lady Olivia.
[Lights flicker on and off. Ooh, like, spooky.]
Malvolio: Well, this certainly won't backfire.
Act 1, Scene 3
Chorus: Three days later, everything was chaos. Oh, and the stage direction girl was fired. Instead, a young boy wearing no shirt was hired. We believe he was Jacob Black. But he was wearing a diaper, so he might have been Edward Cullen. Or a baby. We're not sure.
[Enter Orsino, looking, confused, at his pelvis. Gahuhgygy! Huyjhlhuko! Hjgghghvghfdrj/jk]
Orsino: WHAT THE HECK? WHAT IS THIS? [Clutches at his chest. Dhdsdfgj! Blahagsha!] WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?
[Yay! CAPS LOCK!]
[What? What're ya doin' back here? You supposed to be on a restrainin' order, so ya are!]
[Yuaui! Ghjklgl! Mama!]
[Aw! His first, like, word]
[Gnaygs! And so Viola entereth, strucketh by Cupid.]
[Uh... his, like, first sentence?]
Viola: Oh, Orsino, my love! Let's go skinny-dipping!
Orsino: NOOO! I'm Olivia!
[SHUT UP, SO YA MUST! ME BIRD IS ANNOYED!]
[Ahem... and all exeunt. And then entereth Olivia, looking confus-ed at her pelvis. And will someone be so kind as to change my diaper. It is poopy.]
Olivia: WHERE IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO?
[[[GET OUT OF HERE!]]]
[AHEM... Entereth Sebastian.]
Sebastian: Olivia, my love, let us go for a walk. We can hold hands and talk about our future!
Olivia: Nooooooo! I'm Orsino!
[And so they all exeunt.]
Act 1, Scene 4
[Oh, so are we not setting the scene anymore? Okay. By the way, I'm the new scene discription guy, or whatever. The old guy grew up. I'm boring.]
Chorus: And so, Olivia and Orsino were locked up. For being crazy. And Viola and Sebastian were sad.
Viola and Sebastian: WE'RE SAD!
[Oh, hello. You know, my friend, I do like 'Caps Lock'. I find it makes an unparalleled addition to the keyboard. You know, my friend, while 'Caps Lock' is very nice, the 'Shift' key is also interesting, because-]
[GaH. You'RE Too BORing. I'M LEAvinG.]
[Well, goodbye. Anyway, enter Malvolio, still dressed as a girl, doing his happy dance - I leave this dance up to your imaginations , folks, as I have none of my own.]
Malvolio: Oh yeah, come on, it's my birthday!
Malvolio: Uh... I mean, uh - happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to - oh, forget it. You're fired.
Malvolio: You're fired. You are fired. Y-O-U A-R-E F-I-E-R-D.
[What? No 'Caps Lock' guy? Okay.]
Maria: You spelt it wrong.
Mavolio: I hate you. And you're still fired.
Maria: Fine! Toby? Let's go! We're not wanted!
Toby [Drunkenly]: Okay. Bye-bye, Malvolia. You were... right purty.
[Exit Maria and Toby. That's right, no annoying side-dialogue. I'm just your everyday Average Joe. No, really. My name is Average Joe.]
Act 2, Scene 1
[Enter Fabian, looking worried. Uh oh. What's he worried about? This could be a state of national emergency. Oh; my name is Agent Pembrooke, of the CIA. Or FBI. Or WTF. Or OMG. Or GTHOUHYW. Your pick. But choose wisely. I have a gun. And a horse. And a Ferrari. Of course, they're all owned by the government, but that's not important - wait, why am I doing the scene description anyways? I thought that-]
Fabian: This is terrible!
[Enter Feste. Great. This guy. He's too strange for his own good.]
Feste [Feeling his hair. Oh great. I can smell the joke coming.]: What? I just got it cut!
[That joke is so old! I'm dying! No, wait, Feste is! I'm pulling out my gun, and - what? IT'S NOT LOADED!... Where's that 'Caps Lock' guy? Oh, well.]
Fabian: Not that, idiot! I followed Mavolio after he left. To make a long story short, he's put Orsino's mind in Olivia's body and vice-versa!
Feste: Not again!
[Long pause. Oh, I remember that incident. 1982, New Mexico. Not pretty.]
Fabian: Wait -
Feste: There's no time to waste! I have someone who can help. Come, Fabian!
Act 2, Scene 2
[Enter Puck, to sit in the middle of the stage humming to himself. Good grief. The only person dumber than that fairy is me. I mean, if I stand in a certain spot, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she had seen me peeking around this tree, she'd have thought I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I never would have seen her... Which meant I probably WAS the dumbest person in the world... which explained why I was standing in a batch of poison oak. But like I always say, it always look darkest before it gets totally black. Oh, and if you haven't already guesses, my name's Charlie Brown.]
Puck [Singing]: I've got one Rolls Royce and I killed a sharky, put the potion on the fairy queen's eyes. Da da da da da -
[Enter Feste and Fabian. I'll bet Feste gets a lot of love letters. Maybe Fabian too. But there must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters . . . I could be their leader. Sigh.]
Puck: Feste! Good to see you!
Feste: I need a potion.
Puck: Okay. [Hands over a potion. Sigh.] Good luck.
Fabian: What? That's it? That's all?
Puck: Yup! Bye-bye! I've got one Rolls Royce and I killed a sharky, put the potion on the fairy queen's eyes. Da da da da da -
Act 2, Scene 3
Chorus: And so, everything went back to normal.
All, except Malvolio: Everything is normal. Yay!
Chorus: Malvolio was discovered and banished.
All, except Malvolio: Yay!
Malvolio: Not yay! Boo. BOOO!
[[[[[[[Oh, hoorah. He's back.]]]]]]]
[MUhahaHahHA. A pAusE cOMmenCeS.]
All, except Malvolio: Yay!
Malvolio: I hate you. ALL of you.
THE END. THANK GOODNESS.