Disclaimer: I am merely a devoted fan who has sold her soul to the genius that is Scott Pilgrim.


Keep the past in the present

Background info: Wallace is between boyfriends and Scott has moved in with Ramona. Everything's peachy.

''Truth. Seems like the safer option.''

''OK. I wanna know… the story of how you ended up living with Wallace,'' Ramona said as she gave Scott a sharp stare, causing said victim of mental torture to gulp and shift around his place on the floor, rather awkwardly.

Wallace's eyes widened. ''Scott, you don't have to answer that.''

''Oh yes he du-us,'' Knives cut in. (Pun intended.) ''Not that I'm trying to force anything on you, Scott! I just… I just wanna know!''

''Wha… huh? You're sure? But, uh… It isn't – it's not very interesting, you know…''

''No, I don't know. Feel like telling us?''

''But, it'll take ages to explain,'' blurted Scott in a desperate attempt to avoid the topic.

''I have time. You guys have time, right?'' Ramona looked around the circle of half interested acquaintances (save for Knives and Wallace, of course) before focusing back on Scott. ''Anyone want tea? It could take Scott a while to find the right words.''

''Vanilla walnut, if you don't mind,'' said Other Scott.


''Who even invited you?'' Scott asked.



Scene: Ramona is making tea. Life sucks.

Wallace shuffled his way over to Scott, who had curled himself up in a ball and was furiously assaulting his finger nails. ''Heyyy, buddy. You're not actually gonna tell them, right? I mean, not that I particularly mind… but the story does kinda make me sound like a horny bastard.''

''Let us not forget you really are a horny bastard.''

''Ouch, Scott. I used to let you stay with me... which is what this whole thing is about, haha... sorry.''

''Oh God, oh God. Wallace, what am I gonna–''

''One vanilla walnut tea and… that's it. There you go, Other Scott.'' Ramona passed the cup over, took her place, and blinked her big, pretty eyes. ''So. Scott. Talk.''

Scott and Wallace exchanged hopeless looks before sinking into themselves. But wait – there was still a chance! ''I don't have to tell you anything! What do I get out of it, huh, Rammy?''

Once again, Ramona blinked, (as people often do). This time, however, it was an act of near disbelief. ''Rammy, you're seriously still calling me that? You know what, who cares? It's a game, Scott, and you're playing. I had to jump in the snow half naked. Surely you can let us in on a little ancient story?''

''Ramona's right, Scott! You can't back out now!'' chimed ever-helpful Knives.

The lead singer and talent of Sex Bob-omb supported his very un-amused face with his fist. ''This is gonna be really gay.''

Wallace smirked. ''I've heard about you, Stephen.''


A few dramatic sighs later, and Scott was well on his way to describing the setting. (Oh, what an unbearably cold, dreary, bleak, barren-wasteland of a day it had been.)

''...Scott, for one thing, that doesn't even make any sense. And for another thing, quit stalling. At this point I wouldn't give a fuck if the sky was shitting rainbows.''

''That sounds like it could be an awesome experience!''


''OK, fine. The weather sucked. Everything was pretty sucky...''

*Cue the angsty Final Fantasy music*

''I was in my first year at Uni, and–''

''And I was in my third. I asked Scott a question in class about… something… Scott, what did I ask you?''

''How should I remember? It was ages ago! I do recall myself laughing at your name, though, when you introduced yourself.''

Wallace raised an eyebrow. ''Hmm, because 'Scott' is a real jocks name, right?''

''Shut up!'' Scott and Other Scott yelled in unison. (Well, Other Scott didn't exactly yell, so much as state in a pissed manner. Getting him shouting needed other, uh, methods. Ahem.)

To no effect, Scott added an extra, ''I was such a jock,'' in what he considered to be a 'tough' tone.

Ramona let out a deep breath. ''Just get on with it, please.''

''Oh, now I remember! I asked if you ever wore glasses. Yeah, that was it.''

''Great. Thanks for that, Wallace.''

''Nooo prob.''

''So what made everything sucky, Scott?'' Knives asked.

''Patience, young high-schooler.''

''...I'm in college.''

Ramona gritted her teeth. ''It's been nearly an hour and all we know is that Wallace's creepy fixation on glasses is, indeed, creepy.'' She turned to Wallace for a moment. ''No offence, man. Please, though, just get to the fucking point, so we can end this.''

''But… we haven't even played any Halloween games yet,'' Knives whispered so softly that only Kim, who was next to her, could hear. (Well, and Wallace, but Wallace knows everything, so that's beside the point.)

''You can come to my place later, if you want… I have some candy saved from last year and a, uh… dart-board,'' Kim said, awkwardly.

And that was all it took for our hyperactive little Knives. ''Sure, I guess!''


After even more sighing and even more yawning, (had I mentioned the yawning?), Scott began, ''Wallace started randomly showing up at my house, I have no idea how he got there, by the way… We got drunk kind of a lot… he came over for dinner a lot, much to my mum's delight…''

''Does she still refer to me as Wendell?''

''Uh, yeah. Anyway, we had these… these things…''

''Sleepovers.'' Wallace grinned. ''Fun times.''

''Yep, sure were. Heh…''

''Wow, wow, wait. Sleepovers?'' Ramona looked half curious, half that grossed out expression you get when 'questionable content' spam pops up on your screen.

''No no noo! Not like that! We just watched movies and stuff! And – and slept! Right, Wallace?''

''Uh-huh. You were hot as always, just with lengthier hair.''

''Dude! Stoo-oop! We're supposed to be convincing them that I'm not gay!''

''OK, sorry. You're with Ramona, though, right? Isn't that evidence of your straightness, or something?''

''Well… it should be! Ramona?'' Scott's eyes were pleading and near tearful. (And if you ask Wallace, absolutely adorable.)


Scott clasped his hands together, and his pupils seemed to enlarge even more. ''Please, Rammy, you're killing me with the suspense!''

''Dude, stop shouting. And yeah, you're straight… I think. But you two still used to sleep together. How'd that happen?''

''I'd rather keep that–''

''I believe our 'first time' was this one night we went clubbing with Other Scott, remember that, man?''

Scott was literally wiping away tears at this point. ''First time? God, you make it sound so dirty…''

''Sure, I remember.'' Other Scott gave a nervous smile. ''Am I involved in this? I don't really want to be involved in this…''

''Nah, it's fine. So, the place was a toilet - seriously. We left, Other Scott went home, and Scott came to my place, 'cos I figured, hey, at least I have a whole bathroom, right? And a kitchen – and a chair!''

Ramona squinted and tilted her head. ''I'm sorry... what?''

''I fell asleep, and when I woke up to go pee, Scott was asleep! In my bed, with me in it! Crazy, huh? And you won't guess what position we were in, too!'' Wallace grabbed his stomach and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Kim looked at Stephen, Stephen looked at Kim. ''Is he like, shoe-laced?'' she asked.

''Shoe-laced? The hell does that mean?''

''Jeez, man, catch up on the terms. I mean drunk.''

''I dunno, could be. Maybe this is just how he acts when he's exited…''

Silence filled the room as Wallace's laughter faded, but only for a moment. ''In short, I was poor, there was only one bed, and widdle Scott just wanted to be comfortable.''

''See! That's why I don't drink! It makes people do bad things…''

''Oh, and about the moving in business, Scott got beat up by a girl and told his parents that he hit her. When they asked why, he couldn't come up with a reason, so they kicked him out. As I mentioned before, we met in university and I told him he was always welcome to stay with me. There was no room for my kitty anymore, after that. He had to go live with Scott's family… It was probably a sign, I wasn't a good enough father to it…''

Ramona's jaw hung open so wide you could have seen her uvula. ''That's seriously it? After four whole pages of useless content?''

''Yep,'' Scott called in his defeated voice from where he'd almost fainted on the floor. ''The secret's out. Are you happy, now?''

''Just fantastic, Scott. The author of this story sucks! Are you listening to me? You suck!''

The click of an opening door, the shuffle of shoe-clad feet… Who could interrupt this possible break up scene between our two favorite lovebirds? None other than… ''Hey, guys. Sorry I'm so late, my dick of a boss made me cover for Julie, since we apparently get busy on holidays. Now who actually goes and thinks, 'I feel like a cup of coffee!' on Halloween night? I'm telling you, it's ridiculous.''

''Stacey!'' Wallace said. ''We literally just finished with Scott's life story.''


''It's true. We were playing Truth or Dare,'' Scott admitted. ''This is so humiliating!''

''…Why didn't you just do a forfeit?''

''A forfeit… a forfeit! Stacey, you're a genius! Why didn't I just do a forfeit?''

Ramona walked over to Scott and patted his shoulder. ''Because you're an idiot, Scott. A very lovable idiot. Come on, let's go.''

''I'll catch up with you in a sec. Go enjoy the winter air, or whatever. I gotta do a thing real quick.''

Ramona frowned and crossed her arms. ''All right then, fine. You'd better hurry it along.'' When she was on the other side of the door, and everyone else seemed occupied in some way, Scott approached his old roomie, Wallace. ''Hey, uh, thanks for lying for me. I don't think the real tale would have gone down too well…''

''Don't worry about it, that was a pretty impressive performance. And just remember, Scott,'' Wallace leaned in close to Scott's ear with a rather smug look on his face. ''You're still my bitch forever.''


Did anyone notice how I put seven exes for time changes? Heh.

I really hope this didn't bore you to death/make you want to kill yourself with all the distractions from Scott telling the story. It's just that every time I sat down to write, the ending seemed to get further away and I thought of some witty character line that I just had to use instead. I kept all the dialogue to add humor and stuff, hopefully it worked okay. This is the result of my first attempt at comedy fic writing, so I would really appreciate some feedback on how I've done. Thank you very much for reading :)