The Lilliputian Variation
A/N a one-shot, and this time, I mean it! Just HAD to get this out of my head. If you want more Lilliputian fics, feel free to check some of my currently in-progress stories.
"I am going to MURDER YOU!"
"I don't see how. You're all the way over there." Sheldon said mildly. "With your proportions, the distance between the table and the couch is far too great to jump."
Leonard tried desperately to get himself under control. If only he had his glasses, then he'd at least be able to see the object of his anger.
Well, to be fair, he did have them, they just didn't fit on his face.
He bent down and peered through one large lens; the world swam back into focus.
"Sheldon, how did you even get a sample of the gas?"
Sheldon's face twitched. "I only used the methods anyone truly devoted to science would use to procure something this much in need of study."
"You hacked a government database and had some shipped here, didn't you?"
"Yes. But it was worth it: we know it's not hokum now."
"The THOUSANDS of people in New York that were shrunk weren't proof?"
"…Not scientific proof."
Leonard groaned and sank to the tabletop. His shirt was lying across it. He'd fainted mid-stride after Sheldon had sprayed the substance dubbed 'Lilliputian gas' by the media in his face. Despite the news reporting on the many people shrunk in New York and a few other areas in the US over the last few days, Sheldon had held onto his belief that if he didn't understand how it worked, it was obviously a hoax.
Apparently, Sheldon also misunderstood the 'knock-out' quality of the gas. He'd been sitting on the couch when it kicked in, so was still stuck there.
"Sheldon, you can change us back, right?"
Sheldon's eye twitched. "Of course, right after I consult with Gandalf the Grey and Tony Stark. Bazinga."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, the use of fantasy and sci-fi characters indicates that I'm speaking sarcastically. As does 'bazinga.' The redundancy may have confused you."
"No, Sheldon, I meant why can't you fix this?"
"Well, for starters, I hadn't planned on it working. Furthermore, I'm trapped on the couch."
Leonard squinted across the distance. Sheldon was sitting in his usual spot, still mostly engulfed by his tee-shirt. If the image wasn't being warped by his oversized lens, he looked to be the same proportions as his roommate.
"Not quite five and a half inches…" Leonard mumbled, standing up. The world lost it's clarity, but for once that was good. "Which puts Sheldon at a bit over six."
"Leonard, if you're speaking to me, you'll have to yell. I can't make out what you're saying over there."
"I said I hope Raj and Wolowitz come over and SQUASH YOU!"
"Unlikely. We're not so small that we'd be missed on sight."
"How are you so calm?"
"Well, for one thing, I'm pretty sure I'll get the noble prize for studying this."
"What about going to prison for doing this to me?"
"…I'll share credit with you."
Leonard put his face in his hands. This was a nightmare. An utter nightmare.
A bang at the door interrupted his thoughts.
"Guys?" Penny's voice boomed over them.
"Oh, thank God." He raced to the far edge of the table (not very far in reality, but it was the closest he could get to the door.) "PENNY!"
"Leonard?" Penny's voice floated through the door. "Is that you?"
Trying to find the words to explain what had happened would take too long. "HELP!"
"Okay, hang on. The door's locked. I'll grab my key." Her voice faded.
"Why does she have a key?" Sheldon asked indignantly.
"In case my insane roommate SHRINKS ME!"
Leonard retreated to his glasses. He'd pulled an edge of his sleeve over, so he wouldn't be totally naked. He sat behind the lens, and cast a glare at Sheldon.
"You had better find a way to reverse this."
"Excuse me, your field is experimental physics. I'm theoretical. If anything, you should be the one to work on a cure."
Leonard sputtered, but couldn't force out any words.
"I'll help." Sheldon said meekly, seemingly sensing he'd overstepped.
The door swung open before Leonard could retort.
"Hello? Guys?" Penny stepped in, a towering giantess.
Leonard gaped at her.
"Penny, please close the door." Sheldon called.
Her eyes fell on them, and she let out a shriek.
Leonard clamped his hands over his ears. "Tiny eardrums!"
"Oh my God, I am so so sorry!" She approached him, voice dropping. "What happened?"
"Ask Dr. Pym over there." Leonard jerked his head.
Penny turned and spotted Sheldon. "Holy crap on a cracker."
"Sheldon, why are you two Barbie sized?"
"Barbies are actually 1:12 ratio or play scale, I'm actually—"
"…Right. I wanted to see if the news was accurately reflecting the reality that physics as we knew it was in shambles and my life's work so much nonsense. I opted Leonard to help."
"You shrank him, and yourself, on purpose?"
"In layman's terms, yes." Sheldon said moodily.
Penny shook her head. "There are just no words for a moment like this."
"You're telling me." Leonard muttered.
"Sorry. What can I do to help?"
"Can you get me off the table? I really want to be in striking distance of Sheldon."
"Don't blame ya." Penny reached for him.
"Whoa!" He scrabbled backwards, away from his glasses and the giant hand. "Easy!"
"Leonard, you are all kinds of naked right now, and you are still proportional." Penny backed away, head turned. "I'm gonna go home and get something you two can wear."
Leonard's cheeks flamed. They'd slept together, what was the point of being bashful now?
"Leonard…" Sheldon piped up as Penny left.
"Do you see that?" Sheldon's voice dropped to a whisper.
"No." Leonard peered through the glass to see what had spooked his roommate.
A tiny cobweb spider was climbing down the back of the course, towards Sheldon. At their size, it was easily as big as a cat.
Calculations about proportions and neurotoxins flew through his head. "Sheldon, move!"
Sheldon just watched the creature, face frozen in a rictus of horror.
Sheldon sat there, trembling.
"I hate today." Leonard stood up, shook off the covering, and raced towards the edge of the table. "If I die—"
He trailed off as he sprung off the edge of the table. To his amazement, his feet hit the couch easily. He could just make out the small pink blob that was Sheldon, and the larger brown one descending towards it.
"MOVE!" Leonard roared and raced at him. If anything was going to kill Sheldon today, it would be him, not a damn spider.
He snatched Sheldon bodily from the nest of clothing and hauled him away, surprised by the ease of the task. Even at this size, Sheldon should outweigh him by at least a little.
"Oh." Sheldon's voice was breathless. "That explains a lot."
"Um…" Leonard saw what he meant. "You're …tiny."
"Relatively, or in general?"
Sheldon's head barely came up to his waist.
"Different scales. I must have gotten a higher dosage of the gas." Sheldon murmured. "I couldn't tell before."
"Me either." Leonard tried not to look dumbfounded. Sheldon was just over three inches high. He was the size of a small child as far as Leonard was concerned.
Too unhinged by all that had happened to gloat, Leonard pulled him to the far end of the couch and sat down. "I…think I just want to sit quietly until Penny gets back."
"Can I say one thing?"
"I just want to thank you for saving me from the spider." Sheldon nodded at the far end of the couch.
"Yeah. No problem."
Sheldon sat near him. "Penny will kill it, right?"