Seinfeld Reunion


Greg Handermann

This show picks up after the shows finale in which all four of Seinfeld characters went to jail for not assisting a crime victim. Kramer is on a work release program and Elaine wants to be a marriage counselor. Did prison actually do the four friends, and society at large, a great service?

SCENE I - Setting: Jerry, George, Kramer and Elaine are walking out of prison after serving their sentence.

Jerry: What I don't understand Kramer is how you qualified for the work release program when you've never worked a day in your life.

Kramer: Jerry, you clearly have no idea of how the work release program operates. If you work real hard to get released and then get released, your work is done.

George: Well I didn't think the experience was too bad. I had imagined much worse.

Jerry: What are you talking about? It was horrible. Can you believe the fights that broke out over the remote? I never got to watch anything I liked. So Elaine, what was the woman's side like?

Elaine: Well…. I saw things.

Kramer: Saw things?

Elaine: I saw things! Things that will haunt me the rest of my life.

George: What could you have possibly seen that could haunt you the rest of your life?

Elaine: Things that should have been done in private!

George: Oh…Well…It takes a certain amount of maturity to see those things and not let it eat away at you. (Wetting his lips) So…did you get any names?

Elaine (pushing George): I didn't ask for their names, you dufus!

Kramer: I have to say, I'll miss the Cuban cigars.

Jerry: Cuban cigars! What in the world are you talking about?

Kramer: Smooth of the smooth Jerry, that's what I'm talking about. You know how easily I make friends. Having good friends is the key to happiness in and out of prison. You know federal prison is the only place on US soil where smoking Cuban cigars is legal.

Jerry: That's ridiculous! Who told you that?

Kramer: The guard who was selling them. (Jerry with an incredulous look) Jerry, do you know the kind of screening they put prison guards through? There's no way he was lying.

Jerry: There's no way he was selling real Cubans.

Kramer: Listen, I was surrounded by experts on the subject - you think he could have fooled us all?

George: I think prison life actually suited me.

Jerry: Are you crazy?

George: I spent a lot of time sitting around doing absolutely nothing and I have to tell you, what a pleasant surprise to find out that was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. It was very satisfying. And… the best part was no one was pressuring me to get a job.

Elaine: I have to tell you guys, I'm a changed person. I know there's more to life than just thinking about myself now. There's a whole world out there that I can help.

Jerry: Elaine, do you hear yourself? You cracked in there. You need professional help.

Elaine: I'm not kidding. I'm going to do something meaningful to help others.

Jerry: Like what? Work in a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving?

Elaine: No. Something much bigger, something that makes use of my talents. I was thinking of some sort of volunteer work…like …marriage counseling.

Jerry: Marriage counseling! Please! That's like asking Attila the Hun to advise the Israelis on how to move forward with the mid-east peace process.

Kramer: I think you would be a good marriage counselor Elaine. No one can spot a lost cause quicker than you. Most people drag out relationships way too long. When you sense trouble you need to yank on it like a stuck Band-Aid. Rip it hard and fast, and then move on.

Jerry: Don't you think maybe the point of marriage counseling might be to try and make the relationship work?

George: I think Kramer has a point. It's really not possible to make a relationship work. A relationship either works or it doesn't. Work causes enough aggravation in this world. There's no way anything positive can come from dragging work into relationships.

Kramer: So much needless suffering in the world is caused by people unwilling to get over lost causes. You know I'm right Jerry. Take George's parents for instance. Can you imagine how much happier they would be if they could accept that George is a convicted felon who never really wanted to make a meaningful contribution to society in the first place?

George: Hey! Who said I don't want to make meaningful contributions to society.

Jerry: I think Kramer was probably referring to contributions involving work.

George: Oh.

SCENE 2- Setting: Monk's Diner, The four friends seated in a booth

Jerry: You know it is such a good feeling to be back here and realize nothing changed during our detention.

Kramer: Well, I disagree Jerry. How can you say not much changed? Take our waitress for example; she put on 10 pounds if it's an ounce.

Elaine: Give me a break. What kind of a comment is that?

Kramer: Hey, I didn't mean it in a negative way. I always said she could stand to fill out a little.

Jerry: Seriously, don't you feel like everything is more or less the same?

George: I think you're jumping to conclusions Jerry. It's way too soon to be drawing conclusions. You think just because the menu at Monk's is the same that implies that there have been no significant changes in the world.

Jerry: Well, the world as I know it. I've always assumed Monk's menu was like the canary in the mine. If the menu hasn't changed, than neither has anything else of consequence.

Kramer: What about Elaine? She's changed. She wants to be a marriage counselor.

Jerry: That just proves nothing's changed. She's as unreasonable as ever. There is no way she'll last as a marriage counselor. She'll wind up using her charms to have short-lived affairs with male clients when they are at their weakest.

Elaine: I will not. I'm going to make a meaningful contribution to society. Maybe not as a marriage counselor but helping others somehow. I was thinking I would enjoy working at an employment agency. Can you image anything more useful to society than helping others find work?

George: I can imagine it easily. Keep in mind Elaine, only a relatively small percentage of the population actually wants to work. For the most part, people who don't mind work are already working. I'm saying this from personal experience.

Elaine: I hesitate to say this for a many reasons George, but I really think that's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said.

Kramer: Elaine, I think I have to go with George on this one. Take a person like me. I may have been out of work a time or two in my life but I would never go to an employment agency. I'm too much of a self-starter for that. In 10 minutes I could come up with 10 ways to make money.

Jerry: You mean like operating a movie schedule service over the telephone for free?

Kramer: No Jerry that was a public service.

George: Elaine, there's lots of things more useful you could do than trying to find work for people who don't want to actually do work. You could be a scientist and invent something that would be a real benefit to the masses.

Jerry: So George, if Elaine were to invent anything you wanted her to, what would it be?

George: You know, like something that would keep the TV remote from falling between the couch cushions. Or, even better, a device that would change the TV station by reading your brain waves.

Elaine: In your case George, it would need a pretty big amplifier.

George: I'm being serious here! Being a scientist is one way you could really benefit society. You could invent something that makes every day life easier. It could be something that would benefit millions not just a hopeless few.

Kramer: Yeah, like a micro-blow torch that could instantly light big cigars. (Elaine gives Kramer a dirty look.) Or, maybe a system for golf courses that could keep your golf ball on the fairway no matter how you hit it.

Elaine: I'm not interested in helping people without a care in the world live in total decadence. That's not helping society.

George: Elaine, I have to say the effect prison has had on you is very disturbing.

Jerry: Yeah, you treat the people who care about you most with even more disdain than usual.

Elaine: (getting up to leave) I just had another idea. Maybe I'll be a marine biologist.

George: (with puzzled look) Why would you want to do that?

Elaine: So I can spend time with more intelligent life forms.