A/N: told you I'd get this started off :) and thankfully my ankle isn't broken! But it is painful because I apparently "walk weirdly"… and I burnt my finger cooking… so I'm still bruised and battered…

But I hope you enjoy this! I had to wait until the painkillers wore off to write since on full dosage I sound like my girlfriend when she's drunk aka I was holding a conversation with a rake… and on half I speak and think in Afrikaans… still not helpful… but I digress. So enjoy whilst I dose myself up again!

Hetalia isn't mine!

Here I lie forever

Sorrow still remains

Will the water pull me down?

And wash it all away?

Come and take me over

Welcome to the game

Will the current drag me down

And carry me away

Suddenly the light begins to fade


I'm falling down


I can't wake up

I cannot hold on

I will not let go


It's over now


There's no way out

I cannot hold on

I will not let go

Hopeless- breaking Benjamin


Happy endings don't exist.

It had taken Feliciano eight years to learn that.

It had started out alright, things seeming to get better for a moment. Then it had all started going south.

His nightmares had started to slowly fade only for Ludwig to start dreaming and remembering, his guilt fuelling bad memories that kept him up late. It was bad enough that his studies kept him up late as it was.

The Italian sighed softly as he listened to the light pacing and occasional clink of glass on wood coming from behind him, doing his best to focus on the painting in front of him. He'd received a large commission and wanted to get the portrait done as quickly as possible.

But he couldn't block out the sound of his lover drinking more and more.

There was no such thing as happy endings…


Feliciano lightly kissed Ludwig's forehead as he dozed off on the couch. He didn't want him to get a sore back from sleeping there but he didn't have a hope of carrying him off to bed like the German had done when the Italian had fallen asleep in unusual places courtesy of working on artwork till the early hours of the morning. All he could do was cover him with a blanket and make sure he was comfortable until he woke up and crawled into their bed.

He cleared away the bottles of beer, frowning at the sheer number before grabbing a glass of water and some aspirin to put on the now empty table. He did everything with practiced movements, barely thinking as he did it.

This was the third time this week alone.

He sighed softly as he cast a look at the slumbering German before turning out the lights. He knew Ludwig would join him in a few hours.


Ludwig gave a soft groan as he woke up, head throbbing and tongue feeling thick and fuzzy from the over-indulgence of alcohol. He reached blindly for the glass he knew would be within his reach, smiling as his fingers met clear and cold surface.

Feliciano didn't deserve this, he thought as he took a sip and downed the tablets. After all he'd been through he deserved much better than a lover who felt the need to drown his memories in the bottom of a bottle.

He sighed as he put the empty glass down, not wanting to think about his reasons for drinking. It just made him want to cringe.

He got enough of that in his dreams.

He stood weakly, stumbling slightly as he shook his head free of the thoughts. He didn't turn the lights on, knowing that the brightness would sting his senses, choosing instead to walk through the darkness until he reached the bed he shared with Feliciano.

The German slipped into it gratefully, wrapping his arms around the Italian who flinched for a moment before relaxing into the light grasp. He hadn't completely recovered from the trauma in his past, occasionally slipping up with small gestures.

Ludwig just sighed softly, kissing his hair soothingly.

"…Ludwig?" the brunette murmured sleepily.

"Ja, it's me…"

Feliciano gave a content sigh, snuggling into the embrace. "I missed you…"

Ludwig glanced away guiltily, unsure of how to respond. He hated treating the Italian like this. He was saved from answering as Feliciano fell asleep, the German following right behind him.


"You're not going to let me live… how is that any different?" Lars murmured softly. "Face it boys. You're no better than I am." He flinched as cold metal was pressed against his temple before any of the enraged students could attack him, Lovino glaring at him coldly although his hand shook slightly.

"At least we're doing the world a favour. You DESERVE this. What did my Fratello or Matthew ever do?" he growled, eyes hard as Lars met his gaze defiantly.

"I can't deny what I did; I am what I am in the end." He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "If you're so sure I deserve it, go ahead. Pull the trigger." He watched Lovino intently, seeing the altering emotions flash across his features. Fear, doubt, anger, even some sadness appearing before his face hardened, hand no longer shaking.

"Do it." Gilbert murmured, glaring at Lars murderously. Alfred and Ludwig nodded in agreement as the Dutchman sighed, lifting his head defiantly.

"Go ahead… if you're so certain this is right, then do it." He mumbled in resignation. "Just remember that you can't take it back." He glanced at each of them in turn. "All of you will be as guilty as I am…" he closed his eyes waiting for the gunshot.

The click of the safety being turned off the gun echoed loudly in the silence, making them all flinch before the Italian pulled the trigger. Lars immediately crumpled, falling into a limp heap as the bullet entered his skull. Warm blood splashed against Lovino's hand from the point blank shot as he glanced in surprise between the gun and the dead body.

Ludwig woke with a gasp from the memory, pressing his hands against his eyes to drive it away as he grit his teeth. It was done. He couldn't let it still affect him…

"It's your own fault you know… if you hadn't of done this to me you would have been free to live some wonderful apple pie life with your little boyfriend."

Ludwig growled softly at the too familiar voice.

"Leave me alone. You're not real…"

"Of course not, YOU made sure of that." Ludwig sighed, allowing his eyes to open as he glared at the hallucination, just another reason why he hated drinking even if he couldn't stop.

"You deserved it. You ruined Feli's life."

Lars just raised an eyebrow as he smirked. "And you ruined mine. Murderer."


Feliciano gave a startled yelp at the shout, leaping awake with wide eyes. He calmed slightly when he saw only Ludwig looking anxious and angry.

"Luddy? Ve? Are you okay?" he asked softly, lightly touching his shoulder.

The German sighed softly at the touch giving a weary sigh. "Ja Feli… just a bad dream…"

Feliciano frowned slightly, leaning forward to give him a kiss. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Ludwig shook his head, kissing the Italian back before pulling away. "Nein, its okay…" he checked the clock, groaning when he saw the time.

Five- twelve, he had to get ready for work in less than an hour.

"I'll just go for a run for a bit, go back to sleep." Feliciano continued to frown a bit but nodded.

"I'll see you later then…"

Ludwig made a mental note to bring him home some flowers or something when he got home to apologise for running off. He just couldn't go back to sleep for forty minutes and risk dreaming again, he was sleep deprived enough as it was.


"Hey bru! How's work going?" an obnoxious shout made Ludwig turn around, grinding his teeth as he faced his brother.

"Gilbert, if you need another set of stitches I'm going kill you…" he growled. Gilbert just laughed loudly, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

"How many times has that happened West? How masochistic do you think I am?"

Ludwig just sighed. "Eight times these past six weeks." The albino frowned slightly at the number.

"Huh… I thought it was less than that… anyway, that aside; you're coming round to my place tonight. No excuses!" the elder German smiled.

"Bruder, do you have any idea how busy I am?"

Gilbert snorted. "Don't care. You and that cute Italian of yours are coming and I won't leave until you agree."

Ludwig sighed softly, glaring at his brother. "Fine, if it gets you to leave me alone I'll be there. Can I go now? I have an appointment to get to."

"I'll see you there bru! Oh and can you check my arm? I think I pulled some stitches last night…" he put his hands up in a mock surrender when Ludwig's jaw tightened in irritation. "I wasn't fighting! Promise!"

Ludwig sighed softly, motioning for his brother to come with him into his office before grabbing a pair of gloves. "Why don't I believe you?" he asked as he rolled Gilbert's sleeve up, gently pulling the bandage off to examine the enflamed gash across his bicep.

"I wasn't this time, Birdie and I decided to try something new and-"

"I don't want to hear that!"

Gilbert just chuckled, wincing as some antiseptic was run over the wound. "Don't be such a prude bru, it's not like you and Feli haven't done the same…"

"We are not discussing this." Ludwig growled. "My sex life is none of your concern."

"What? The Italian not putting out or something?" Ludwig glared at him, fighting the urge to be a little rougher than necessary as he started re-stitching the cut.

"Nein it isn't that, and there's no way you tore your stitches like you said you did…" Ludwig murmured poking at a fresh bruise on his brother's knuckles.

"Um… I over stretched whilst refitting a tire at the shop?" Gilbert tried sheepishly. He sighed when Ludwig just raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, I may have punched a guy who came to close to Matthew…"

"…you need to stop this Gil… you can't pick a fight with everyone who comes within a few metres of him. Matthew can look after himself you know?"

"I just don't want him to get hurt again… it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something to help."

Ludwig sighed; he knew what his brother meant. He finished up the bandaging before releasing the albino's arm. "I know bru… but you're going to get yourself killed."

Gilbert just rolled his eyes. "Please, I'm too awesome to get myself killed!"

Ludwig chuckled humourlessly, cleaning up the used medical supplies with practiced hands. "I'll see you later Gilbert. Try to stay out of trouble till then?"

"Whatever makes you happy bru! See ya then!"


Silent eyes watch us

I am not afraid

I can see the daylight shine

And slowly drift away

Safe to say it's over

And sink into the grave

There's nothing left inside

But I am wide awake

I can hear the devil call my name


I'm falling down


I can't wake up

I cannot hold on

I will not let go


It's over now


There's no way out

I cannot hold on

I will not let go

Hopeless- breaking Benjamin

A/N2: in case you're confused Ludwig became a doctor whilst Gilbert became a mechanic, Feliciano does commission based painting as well as some minor teaching which we'll get more into later along with the other's career choices.

And Ludwig has developed a minor alcohol addiction whilst Gilbert is constantly getting into fights out of a need to prevent the events of eight years ago repeating themselves (his logic is that if he chases threats off early enough he won't have to do what he did again.)

Please don't expect updates every few days… I work such long hours that, at most, I'll be able to manage weekly updates…

Please review!