Despite his carefully controlled behavior, perfect manners and astounding appearance, Light Yagami was a creature of impulse.
It might have actually been the reason for his OCD and obsession with control. His emotions tended to overpower his mind, amplified by some unknown flame deep within him; maybe it was pride, that arrogance of his that accompanied his every move. Or, it was simply his nature. A cold, brilliant mind, ruled by a heart of fire.
Rather, a heart of gasoline. Waiting for something to light it up, to give his hidden passion and enormous potential a purpose. That's what it felt like until the Kira case, at least. Like he was a zombie, dead inside, going through the motions of a life he barely recognized anymore; his sense of justice was, indeed, a great motivator, but still… he threw himself into work and hated Kira with such passion just because he could.
…And let's not forget the fifty days of imprisonment, those horrible moments when he thought he was going to die by his father's hand and the fact that he was chained to a sugar-addicted, insomniac, freak… all courtesy of Kira. Kira had turned his life upside down, reduced it to something that didn't truly belong to him anymore. Not entirely. He didn't call the shots anymore, because he was a suspect; and not just a suspect, L's suspect, a Kira suspect. To say he didn't hate Kira for all of it would be a lie. However… it was a change, a novelty in his mechanical life. It gave him something to focus on, and it felt exhilarating.
That's why, deep down, he knew Ryuzaki was right. No one else but him could have been Kira; forget the evidence, he simply fit the psychological profile 100%. That self-righteousness, his anger against the world, the sheer idealism of his beliefs, and that flame inside him… he knew that if he had found the means to kill someone with only a name and a face, he'd twist himself enough to believe that what he was doing was right.
And then there was those… holes. Those damn missing parts in his memory, things he did without remembering the reasons, actions that made no sense. Light was also a creature of habit; breaking the pattern without knowing why fit very well with Ryuzaki's theory – that he passed the power to kill along with his memories to someone else.
Light may have been conceited and slightly narcissistic, but he was – after all – a genius. Putting aside his hurt feelings and great desire to deny he could ever be Kira, logic told him that the spark was always there; and he remembered his father saying that it wasn't the person that was evil; rather, it was the power to kill. So, what kind of monster could he become, being handed all that power on a silver platter?
'Ryuzaki?' he said, tiredly, turning to the detective working next to him. 'Can I ask you for something?'
The strange man turned to face him, his dark obsidian eyes devoid of anything. It was strangely unnerving for Light; looking into his eyes, by comparison, he felt so human.
'That depends on what you ask, Light-kun', Ryuzaki answered.
Light knew he was likely going to refuse his request, and definitely raise his Kira-percentage, but he had to give it a shot. He knew he won't sleep a wink until he confirmed or infirmed his suspicions.
'May I see the videotapes of my confinement?' he finally said, eyes carefully guarded, his voice betraying nothing.
'Why?' he asked, and strangely, he sounded so much like a child.
'There's something I want to see', Light answered with a shrug.
The detective kept staring at him, and he knew what was going through his head; that maybe he had left himself a sign, a message, that only he would decipher. So he decided to come clean… a bit.
'Ok… Even though I hate to admit it, there might be some substance to your theory regarding me as the first Kira. I'm not saying you're right, and this is not a confession, I just… I know myself pretty well, and if this… loss of memory ever took place, I'll see it.'
The black eyes widened for a fleeting second, undoubtedly surprised.
'And I want to hear all of it', Light continued. 'I know you must have pinpointed that moment yourself, and that you've noticed some discrepancies between my past and recent behavior. If you do, I'll tell my end of the story as well.'
'I see. And if you do agree with me? If you will realize you were Kira, what will you do?' Ryuzaki said, casually, leaning to get some gummy-bears from the table.
'I won't! …I'm not. I don't know', he finished, lamely, suddenly angry. He wanted to get away from everything, to be alone, to think.
'But you do, Light-kun. Of course you do.'
Light gave Ryuzaki a death-glare, but he didn't say anything; of course he knew. He'd probably hate himself, be ashamed of his weakness – that dark, insane side of him that took control. He'd be afraid of the moment Kira would come back; because he wouldn't have relinquished his memories for nothing! There was a plan in motion, and Kira would eventually return to witness the endgame.
And how could he ever know when, and how, and why? He had no starting point, no way to rationalize and think this through.
'I do wonder… will you cowardly await Kira's return?' Ryuzaki kept talking, staring at the ceiling as he lowered a strawberry in his mouth. 'Would you welcome him back? Would you even forget you had these doubts, that when you were yourself, you hated Kira? Would the fact that Light Yagami rejected Kira even matter?'
'Stop it!' Light exploded, getting up. He wanted to punch the bastard in the face for saying all of his fears out loud, for making him realize his complete lack of control.
He might have been Kira. Still, he didn't even know Kira! He was a pawn, a puppet, because that twisted mind that used to be his surely knew how he would act. He felt degraded, ashamed, and oh so very much angry.
'I won't let myself turn into that!' he exclaimed, gripping Ryuzaki's chair and facing him stubbornly. 'Kira may have started with good intentions, but he's not a God! He's a megalomaniac with a God complex went rampant on the world, and I won't become something so pathetic and evil!'
'You already did, didn't you, Light-kun?' Ryuzaki smiled that creepy smile of his. 'You were yourself when you decided to kill. Kira is you. So…maybe Kira is the real you, because the urge to be Kira was stronger, right?'
'I'm not Kira!' Light shouted, barely controlling his temper. He wanted nothing else than to break something – preferably Ryuzaki's face.
'Not now, you aren't. But you were. You will be. And I will catch you, convict you, and execute you, because you're dangerous even by yourself, Light-kun.'
A fist collided with Ryuzaki's face, as it was to be expected. The detective fell along with his chair, the loud noise hanging heavy in the cold silence. Light leaned and gripped his collar, preparing to punch him again, but Ryuzaki's lack of reaction surprised him. He simply stared at him with those cat-like eyes, empty, inhuman, two black holes shining on that pale face.
Light let him fall, suppressing a shiver.
'I was so stupid to believe what you said back then, that we were friends', he said loudly, glaring down at the strange detective. 'A friend would try and help me, not promise me a death sentence!'
Ryuzaki blinked, after quietly perching up on his chair again. Light had a strange image in his head, of an owl and a cat merged together.
'Help Light-kun?' he repeated.
'Unbelievable. It never occurred to you, huh?' Light laughed bitterly.
'Well, yes, I guess there is that possibility', Ryuzaki said thoughtfully, gnawing at his thumb in his specific manner.
Light fell back in his chair, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. His thoughts were a mess, so he tried to empty his mind, picture something… calming. Familiar.
A blood-red apple. An image sent by his subconscious, for merely a second, but it was there. The red was indeed mesmerizing, luscious, and somehow silky; the apple itself was on his desk.
L, did you know, that Gods of Death love apples?
Kira. He felt the urge to grab at his head, scream in annoyance; because even now, faced with pieces of the frightening truth, something within him was glowing with pride. You were the first Kira. You managed to weave such a web of deception that not even L has disentangled. You have millions of followers. You are what the world needed, what it still needs, and you're not over yet.
He opened his eyes, only to find the World's Greatest Detective staring at him with raw intensity. But he didn't have that… analytical, robotic air about him. It was more like he was weighing something in his head, deciding something.
Maybe he was starting to understand Ryuzaki better after all. He stared back, welcoming the distraction. Since the Kira case, his personality was in a perpetual turmoil; two sides were having a war. And the worst part was, he didn't even know who was who.
His conscience against his dark urges? Or rather, his inhibitions, his naivety, battling the notion of what simply had to be done – a necessary evil, his humanity as a sacrifice for the word?
Light didn't know what was right and wrong anymore.
'Light-kun, may I ask you something?' said Ryuzaki, suddenly breaking the silence.
The youth simply nodded.
'What is life worth?'
The question hanged in the air for a couple of seconds, before Light answered.
'Every life is sacred. Every…'
'No', Ryuzaki interrupted brusquely, leaning forward, with a serious expression in his eyes. 'What is life worth, Light-kun?'
The boy opened his mouth again, but subsequently closed it. His mind was providing an endless string of answers, of angles and perspectives; this too was something he always knew, not thought or felt. Life, according to what he was taught to believe, was sacred.
But why? It was something so vulnerable and visible. How could one say that life was a gift, when so many people had their lives threatened, controlled or stolen away by others? What kind of gift was life, when a car running over a red light could take it away in the blink of an eye? What kind of gift was life if so many people chose to end it?
No. Life was measurable in human desires. Life was worthless enough for humanity to act on its selfishness and greed.
'I already told you, life doesn't have a price. Also, I think we should call it a day, Ryuzaki', Light finally said. 'It's well past 2 AM, and I want to get some sleep.'
'Of course', Ryuzaki agreed, closing the laptop and taking it with him.
And on their way to the bedroom, the chain between them jingled silently. Light was suddenly very aware of the cold metal pressing against his wrist, and glanced at the man who on so many occasions promised him execution. He was having an odd feeling, a feeling he didn't have since childhood. Later, when he wrapped himself in the covers and closed his eyes, it hit him.
…Safe. Hearing the sound of the chain dragged across the floor made him feel safe.
I finally got my shit together and actually posted this.
I apologize for the eventual OOCness, or grammar mistakes. I just had this idea drilling in my brain, needing to get out, so... please leave a review.
...pretty please, with a strawberry on top.