This took slightly longer to get up than anticipated (thank you, FF!), but here it is, finally. Hope you enjoy. (Try not to fall out of chairs or anything; could be dangerous. ^_^)
Act II, Scene I
[Kirk and McCoy are walking down a small street in Riverside (Kirk's hometown), looking for Spock.]
McCoy: So where do you think Spock went to?
Kirk: [shakes his head] I have no idea. On a normal day I could probably predict where he'd go with a fair degree of accuracy. On a semi-normal day I could still make a pretty good prediction. On a normal weird day I could at least hazard a guess. Today… [shakes head] I have no idea. We might as well start in town though. It's the town or the farms, and I don't know how we'd track someone in the farm country. [looks around]
McCoy: [eyeing Kirk] Sounds rather, oh I don't know, risky, to be looking without any kind of plan. [pause; Kirk does not respond] You know, risky?
Kirk: What? Oh, yeah, risky. Sure.
McCoy: [in disbelief] I never thought I'd see the day when you were too preoccupied to spout off about risks. What happened to "risks are our business? When man first looked at the stars—"
Kirk: [pointing down the street] Bones! Look at that!
[On the front porch of a house down the street a man can be seen laid out on the ground unconscious. They hurry over.]
McCoy: [waving tricorder over man; solemn] Jim…I think he's been…nerve-pinched. And that means-
McCoy and Kirk: Spock.
Act II, Scene II
[A few minutes later, Kirk and McCoy are still hot on Spock's trail. They are now going down a relatively busy street, lined with various shops. Another person is laid out on the sidewalk a ways ahead of them.]
McCoy: There's another one.
Kirk: That makes twelve then. We're definitely on Spock's trail. Though who ever heard of tracking a person by following nerve-pinched bodies?
[They approach the next body. McCoy waves his tricorder over it.]
McCoy: Yep, definitely nerve-pinched. [looking around] Which direction do we take now?
Kirk: [speculative] Well, this fellow's laying right in front of a movie theatre. Maybe Spock went inside.
McCoy: Worth a shot.
[Kirk and McCoy enter the theatre. The theatre is circular, with a stage in the
center. A holographic sword fight is
displayed on the stage, but everyone is ignoring it. Chaos reigns among the audience.
Many people are screaming. A
dozen or so people are slumped over unconscious in their seats. Kirk and McCoy approach a large woman who
looks fairly hysterical.]
Kirk: Excuse me, I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. What just happened here?
McCoy: [muttering] He always has to get the whole spiel in.
Woman: [hysterical] Oh, it was terrible! Just terrible! Terrible!
Kirk: I see. What was terrible?
Woman: [gestures around] This!
Kirk: [becoming frustrated] But what is this?
Woman: I'm sorry. I can't bear to speak of it. I'm sure you understand. It was all just so…
Kirk and McCoy: Terrible.
Woman: Yes. Terrible. Really, you must excuse me… [wanders away]
McCoy: Well, that told us a lot.
[Kirk and McCoy approach another person.]
Kirk: Pardon me, what just happened here?
Another person: This-this guy came running through, hollering about remembering the Alamo. He started nerve-pinching everyone inside, then ran out the back. I guess it was a Vulcan, but Vulcans don't do things like that!
Kirk: Thank you for your help. And tell all these people not to worry: Captain Kirk is on the job. [to McCoy] Let's go.
[They head out the back way.]Act II, Scene III
Some hours later:
[McCoy and Kirk have been tracking Spock, and finally traced him to a small boat rental company on the shores of a large lake. They are standing on the weather-beaten wooden dock talking to the owner of the company, a large man wearing overalls.]
Owner: Yeah…yeah, we saw a Vulcan. He rented a boat an hour ago. Headed out for the west shore. Haven't seen him since.
[Kirk and McCoy exchange a look.]
Kirk: We'd like to rent a boat. Do you have any available?
Owner: [scratches head] Well now…it's been a busy day. I've got a rowboat left. I don't know if you want—
Kirk: We'll take it.
Act II, Scene IV
[About twenty minutes later, Kirk and McCoy are out in the middle of the lake bearing to the west. No other boats are to be seen in that section of the lake. Kirk is rowing, while McCoy eyes the boat with concern.]
McCoy: Jim…is it just me or is this boat riding kind of low in the water?
Kirk: [unconcerned] I'm sure it's fine, Bones.
[McCoy still looks suspicious, and starts poking around in the back of the boat.]
McCoy: Uh, Jim?
McCoy: I think we've sprung a leak.
[Kirk turns to look. Sure enough, the back end of the boat is filling with water. They begin bailing, but it is clearly a losing battle. The boat continues filling with water.]
McCoy: So this is what it's all come down to. We survived the Klingons, the Romulans, a hundred other battles dozens of light years from Earth, and it's all come down to this: drowning in a leaky rowboat in Iowa!
Kirk: Shut up and bail!
[Meanwhile, in a cave along the shore across the lake, Spock is playing 3-D chess, apparently by himself. (We don't know where the chessboard came from, so don't ask.) He glances out towards the lake and sees Kirk and McCoy. He leaps to his feet.]
Spock: Great Scott! Those people are in distress! [looks across the chessboard to empty air] Pardon me, Mr. Cochrane. We must complete our game at a later time.
[Spock clambers down from the cave and jumps into a one-man kayak. He paddles out to Kirk and McCoy. The rowboat has capsized and they are clinging to the overturned hull.]
Spock: Ahoy there! Do you require assistance?
McCoy: [sourly] No. We just felt like a swim.
Spock: Oh. Well, in that case…
Kirk: [hastily] He didn't mean it. We'd appreciate some help.
[Kirk and McCoy hang onto the back end of the kayak, and Spock paddles back to the shore. He beaches the kayak on the rocky beach, and they all stand on the shore.]
Spock: [shaking hands with Kirk] Mr. President, it is a pleasure to see you again.
Kirk: [resigned] Right.
Spock: [nodding to McCoy] Queen Isabella. It is nice to meet you.
Kirk: [pointing to McCoy] Qu-queen Isabella? [starts laughing]
McCoy: [scowling] Queen Isabella?
Spock: A pleasure to meet you, your majesty. How is King Ferdinand?
[Kirk is doubled-over with laughter.]
McCoy: [fuming] I wouldn't know!
[McCoy rummages through his med-bag, which he fortunately managed to hang on to during the capsize. He triumphantly pulls out a hypospray. He walks over to Spock, and uses the hypospray on him. Spock looks at him in some surprise, but otherwise seems unconcerned.]
McCoy: [relieved] There! Got the cure into him.
[Out in the lake the rowboat, which had temporarily sunk beneath the lake, resurfaces for a moment then sinks again.]
Spock: [pointing towards the rowboat] Look! A pygmy hippo!
Kirk: [recovering from laughter] I don't think the cure's helping.
McCoy: [frowns] Yeah, M'Benga said it might take awhile, particularly in serum form. Loses some of its effectiveness during the change in substance. It was impractical to carry it in liquid form though.
Kirk: Oh well. It'll work eventually I guess.
Spock: [to McCoy] Tell me, your majesty, what have you heard from Columbus lately?
McCoy: [frowning] It just better work soon.
Act II, Scene V
[An hour or so later Kirk, Spock and McCoy are in the cave. The cure has still not taken effect. Kirk and McCoy have scouted the area and discovered that, due to the rockiness of the area and the steepness of the slope, they can't simply walk out. With night falling, it seems likely they will be stranded at least till morning. The situation is not helping McCoy's mood. Kirk, by contrast, is fairly content, finally seeing the humor in the events. Kirk is standing by the entrance, looking out at the lake, while Spock and McCoy sit further in.]
Spock: [seriously; to McCoy] Your majesty [McCoy groans], you look tense. It's not good for your blood pressure.
McCoy: [irritable] Thanks, but I think I know just a bit more about my blood pressure than you.
Spock: Now, your majesty, you really should relax…Hang loose…Stay cool…Let the katra flow…
McCoy: [frustrated] What in tarnation is katra?
[Spock is oblivious, eyes shut, hands steepled in front of him at chest level.]
Spock: Ommm… Ommm… Ommm…
McCoy: [claps hands to forehead; through gritted teeth] Jim! Do something!
Kirk: Now, Bones. Just…relax. Hang loose. Stay cool. Let the—
[Kirk ducks, laughing, as McCoy aims a fistful of leaves at his head.]
McCoy: [muttering] Comedians. I'm trapped with a couple of comedians.
Kirk: Speaking of being trapped—
Kirk: —we've got to figure how we're going to get out of here.
Kirk: My communicator short-circuited thanks to that dip in the lake, and I can't fix it.
McCoy: Don't look at me. I'm a doctor, not a mechanic.
Kirk: Spock could probably fix it, but he's…
McCoy: [sourly] Deranged at the moment.
Kirk: Something like that.
McCoy: And I wouldn't trust that joker at the boat company to come find us any time soon. [grumbling] Renting faulty rowboats. Is he going to hear from my lawyer when we get out of this!
Kirk: We do have Spock's kayak though.
McCoy: Which carries one. The obvious solution is for one of us to paddle out and get help. Which of us though?
Kirk: Well…I was thinking that since you're the doctor (as you're forever reminding me) it would be—dare I say it? —logical for you to stay, just in case something goes wrong with Spock.
McCoy: [sits bolt upright] Oh no you don't, Jim! You just want to leave me stranded with the insane—
McCoy: —Vulcan! This has nothing to do with logic at all! You just want to get out of here!
Kirk: Bones, I'm hurt! Are you suggesting I have something besides Spock's welfare in mind?
McCoy: I most certainly am! You know as well as I do that M'Benga knew exactly what he was doing when he replicated the serum, that we got it to Spock in time, and that there's nothing a doctor is going to need to do! And you also know that Spock—
McCoy: —while generally a perfectly decent fellow (and don't you tell him I said that) is exceedingly aggravating at the moment! And you're dealing with it much better than me right now!
Kirk: [calmly] Now, Bones, as captain I've decided it is best if you stay. So quit griping. I'll row out tomorrow morning and get help. It'll only take a couple hours anyway. In the meantime let's break out those nutrition pills you've got in your med-bag and have some 'dinner.'
McCoy: [under breath] Yeah, well, we'll just see who rows out in the morning.
McCoy: [aggravated; to Spock] Oh, shut up, already!
[Spock opens his eyes and looks around the cave.]
Spock: [innocently] Is there a problem?
Spock: [exasperated] Your majesty, you are still tense. [positions hands in front of him; closes eyes] Chant with me. Kaaaaa-tra… Kaaaaa-tra… Kaaaaa-tra…
[McCoy moans while Kirk starts laughing again.]
Act II, Scene VI
[The next morning, McCoy wakes up early and slips out to the beach where the kayak was. However, it's already gone. Looking out to the lake, a figure paddling the kayak can be seen, already far out into the lake.]
McCoy: [grimacing] Oh, how I'm going to get him for this one!
[McCoy turns and heads back to the cave, from which faint "omm…" sounds can be heard.]
Act II, Scene VII
[About nine in the morning. McCoy is hanging around in the cave, looking irritable. Spock is not in sight.]
McCoy: [muttering] Trapped with a deranged Vulcan. And the cure won't take affect for a couple hours probably. What a way to spend shore leave! [looks around] Come to think of it… [calling] Spock! Where are you?!
[There is no answer.]
McCoy: [groans] Now what? [walks outside the cave and looks around]
[Spock is visible part way up the rocky slope behind the cave.]
McCoy: Oh, no.
[McCoy climbs up after Spock. After a few minutes he catches up to him, standing on a small ledge. The slope is impassible higher up.]
McCoy: [aggravated] What are you doing up here?
Spock: [calmly] Studying the rock. There are fascinating geological formations here.
[McCoy squints at him.]
McCoy: Um…is this the normal Spock who really is studying geological formations, or is this the still-deranged Spock who thinks he's studying geological formations?
Spock: I beg your pardon? [glances out towards the lake; points upward] Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!
Spock: [shades his eyes; looks again] No, wait…that really is a bird. Never mind.
McCoy: [sighs] Well, now I know which of you I'm dealing with at least.
Act II, Scene VIII
[A couple hours later. A hovercraft is flying over the lake. It lands on the beach in front of the cave. Kirk gets out of the craft, and McCoy comes down from the cave to greet him.]
McCoy: [in a better mood than earlier, yet still slightly annoyed with Kirk] There you are! You left five hours ago! What took so long?
Kirk: [vaguely] Oh, well…I stopped to return the kayak. The company owner has a very pretty female employee on duty in the early morning…
Kirk: Anyway, I got a hovercraft. How's Spock?
McCoy: [cheerful] He's fine. The cure finally took effect. He's not speaking to me at the moment.
Kirk: [suspicious] What did you do?
McCoy: [innocently] I just made one comment about a pygmy hippo…
[Spock comes out of the cave and joins them on the beach.]
Spock: [devoid of emotion] Captain. I see you're back with means for us to leave.
Kirk: Yes. It took…a little longer than expected. But we're all set now. How do you feel?
Spock: If you are referring to the state of my health, the cure seems to have taken full effect. I must commend Dr. M'Benga on his excellent work in diagnosing the trouble and replicating a cure.
McCoy: Yep, he's back to normal. If you'd asked him that question while he was still under the soup there's no telling what— [Kirk kicks him.] All right, all right. I'll be quiet.
Kirk: [admonishing] Thank you. [briskly] Well, there's no reason to hang around here. We have to head back to my mother's house and tell her what happened.
McCoy: And won't that make an interesting— [Kirk glares at him; indignant] Can't a person say anything around here?
Kirk: No. Not you anyway. Come on, let's go.
[They all get in the hovercraft, which takes off over the lake.]
Act II, Scene IX
[Back in Kirk's mother's house, Kirk, Spock, McCoy and K's Mom are sitting around the kitchen table, drinking orange juice. They have just finished telling K's Mom everything that happened.]
K's Mom: Well, all's well that ends well, that's what I always say.
Kirk: And it did make for an interesting shore leave.
Spock: [thoughtfully] It was a rather fascinating experience.
McCoy: Sure. And we got to see a new side of Spock's— [pause] You don't have to kick my leg, Jim, I wasn't going to say anything so terrible.
Kirk: I doubt that.
McCoy: Seriously, though. This proves conclusively that Spock's Vulcan side is dominant over his human side. So you can stop worrying about being too human, Spock.
Spock: If I were to worry over it to begin with that would negate the 'proof' you have pointed out, as worrying points to a more human side, while chicken noodle soup—
McCoy: Don't even start.
Spock: Start what, Doctor?
McCoy: Just don't start.
K's Mom: Also on the plus side, we've all learned a valuable lesson: don't serve chicken noodle soup to Vulcans.
Kirk: That's the truth.
K's Mom: [slyly] You know, there's something about this whole situation that none of you gentlemen have noticed.
Kirk: I'm afraid to ask, but what?
K's Mom: [triumphant] Spock hasn't sneezed since he had the first bowl of chicken noodle soup, which proves that, whatever else it may do, chicken noodle soup is a cure for the common cold!
McCoy: [hotly] That is preposterous, ma'am. If there was a legitimate cure for minor upper respiratory infections in chicken noodle soup, don't you think doctors would have found it centuries ago?
K's Mom: [cheerful] Of course not. You're too busy calling it an old wives' tale to actually try it. And can you argue that Spock's cold disappeared after he had my soup?
McCoy: Yes and no. Yes, it disappeared, but the soup was not necessarily responsible. He had already had a cold for a week. It is entirely possible that it had simply run its course, regardless of the soup.
K's Mom: I suppose I can't refute your claim, but you can't refute mine either.
McCoy: Oh, really? I submit…
Kirk: [to Spock] I have a feeling we could be here for several days.
McCoy: …and furthermore, if you consider…
Spock: You may be correct, Captain.
[Kirk's communicator (now repaired) beeps, interrupting the continuing argument. Kirk pulls it out and flips it open.]
Kirk: Kirk here.
Uhura: [over communicator] Captain, we have new orders from Starfleet. We'll need to leave orbit as soon as everyone beams up.
Kirk: All right, we'll beam up in a minute. Kirk out. [to the group in general] Looks like duty calls.
K's Mom: [shakes head] It always does, sooner or later. Usually sooner. Well, it's been good seeing you, Jimmy. And nice to see you, too, Leonard, Spock.
McCoy: Nice seeing you too, Mrs. Kirk. Even if we have some fundamental differences regarding medical treatments.
K's Mom: [lecturing] Now you gentlemen be careful out there in the depths of space. You take altogether too many risks.
Kirk: Too many risks? Too many risks?
Kirk: Risks are our business! When man first looked at the stars—
McCoy: You know, Jim, Uhura didn't say but that business sounded like it might be urgent, so…
Kirk: Oh, right. We better beam up. Good-by, Mom.
K's Mom: Bye, Jimmy. And you make sure and write to me.
Kirk: I'll try. Really. [flips open communicator] Kirk to Enterprise. Three to beam up.
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy transport out. And somewhere upstairs, the suitcases probably transport out as well.]
[Curtain drops on the scene.]
That's all, folks. I hope to have another one up soon. So, until next time, remember: relax, stay cool, and, of course, let the katra flow.