Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Foreword: Please don't take this story seriously. It's all for humor's sake.
Not the Golden Route
By Romantic Silence
"Well, this is bloody fantastic." Ron muttered bitterly.
Hermione frowned disapprovingly and chastised, "Language, Ron!"
"Hermione, this is not the time to care about propriety!" Harry scolded. "As for you, Ron, your remarks aren't exactly helping either!"
At that very moment, the Golden Trio was currently bound in chains and unable to escape their current predicament. They were currently residing in Malfoy Manor where they were the honored guests to a large audience of Death Eaters. Their situation was far from ideal.
"Look, all I'm saying is that there was good reason why people didn't say You-Know-Who's name the first time he went gone. They were afraid that Snatchers would come out of the woods and, well, snatch them up."
Harry and Hermione rolled their eyes at Ron's unhelpful comments.
"You weren't exactly resisting the urge to say it fifth year in the DA." Hermione bitingly remarked.
Ever the logical one that Hermione, even Ron couldn't argue against what she just said – and he often found things to nitpick at when it came to her!
"Does anyone else feel it's weird for them to just be staring at us behind those masks?" The leader of the group suddenly inquired his two best friends. "I mean… they're just standing there… watching…"
Ron grinned, offering his idea, "Maybe they're sleeping standing up!"
Suddenly the large double doors banged open with excessive force. Strutting in was none other than Bellatrix LeStrange and her nephew, Draco Malfoy. Their appearance did little to alleviate the trio's worries but they easily hid their unease with a baleful sneer at their encroaching captors.
"Look what we have here! We have the Boy Who Lived, the filthy mudblood, and, of course, the blood-traitor!" Bellatrix announced joyfully, laughing in a manner that sent chills up the trio's spines.
"As lovely as this place may be, is there any chance you would let us go?" Hermione drawled disinterestedly.
"Now, now, why would I do that? You three are so valuable to the Dark Lord!"
Hermione hung her head and sighed.
"I figured not."
Harry glared at Bellatrix, his eyes searing with unbridled hatred caused by her part in his godfather's death nearly two years before.
"If you want to kill us, you better do it now. Otherwise, I'll make sure I kill you." He growled at her defiantly.
His behavior only served to amuse Bellatrix further. She walked up to Harry and grabbed his jaw, examining him with a curious stare. A maniacal grin spread across her features as she said, "Now who said anything about killing you, Potter? Oh no, the Dark Lord will have that honor. However, who is to say I wouldn't kill one of your friends here?"
His defiance leaving him, Harry could do nothing but stare fearfully into the menacing eyes of Voldemort's most ardent supporter.
"I would." Bellatrix abruptly stood up and pointed to Hermione. "Take the mudblood and bring her to me!"
Fenrir Greyback smirked lewdly at Hermione as he walked over and hoisted her up with his immense physical strength. However, Hermione didn't make it easy for the werewolf to carry her.
"Let go of me!" Hermione cried out, squirming in his hold.
Harry gritted his teeth and shouted, "Leave Hermione alone and take me instead!"
"Or me! I'm the blood-traitor! Kill me first!" Ron also desperately yelled.
Their pleading went unheard by Bellatrix who simply gestured to a spot not far from where the trio had initially been together. Greyback roughly dropped Hermione into the center between several candles arranged to form a circle. Hermione noticed the arrangement and began searching her mind for information as to what it could possibly mean.
"As much as I enjoy killing filthy mudbloods – especially those that you care about, Potter – there is something more to this than just the simple pleasure of the act." Bellatrix began explaining, reaching to her waist and revealing a dagger that she had been carrying. "The Dark Lord told me of a ritual that would empower me, allowing me to stay by his side without ever fearing death!"
Her announcement made Harry, Hermione, and Ron pale. Is she going to make a horcrux? That was the thought that ran through all three's minds. The image of Bellatrix, Voldemort's top lieutenant, never being able to truly die as well was too frightening to imagine.
"Of course, a simple mudblood wouldn't be enough. I need something more than that; what I need was a virgin. And from what Draco told me, Granger is, without a doubt, a virgin."
Harry and Hermione stiffened.
Bellatrix noticed Harry's unease and smiled.
"What's the matter, Potter? Enjoying the thought of the mudblood dead on the floor with her throat slit?"
"Hypothetically speaking," Harry began nervously, "what would happen if the sacrifice wasn't a… virgin?"
Bellatrix blinked, not expecting that Harry to even inquire about the ritual. She shrugged it off and thought no harm in answering, "If she is dirty – dirtier than she already is, filthy mudblood –, then if I perform the ritual, I will die."
"You can't fool me. I've searched Weasley's mind and you think her nothing but a sister! She is a virgin and she will be sacrificed!"
"As if we'll let you get away with this!" Ron yelled angrily. "I swear if you so much as touch her hair, I will kill you!"
"Such big words coming from a blood-traitor!" Bellatrix laughed haughtily. "The ritual will proceed."
"What if… what if I told you that Hermione isn't a virgin?" Harry asked with desperation laced in his tone.
"Harry, I can't believe I'm saying this, but, mate, shut up! Bellatrix won't fall for that!"
Harry ignored Ron.
"What if, let's say, that things happened in the woods and we, sort of, kind of, took each other's virginity?"
Everyone grew silent.
Then all of the Death Eaters burst out in laughter with Bellatrix declaring, "Look how pathetic Potter has become! He has begun resorting to blatant lies!"
"FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, I'M NOT A VIRGIN!" proclaimed Hermione. "AND NEITHER IS HARRY! WE SLEPT TOGETHER! IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND MAGICAL AND SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHED AT!"
"Hermione!" Harry yelled out her name, feeling his cheeks flush. "What are you doing?!"
"Don't look at me like that, Harry! What we shared was a very intimate and wonderful moment between us. I would not have them tarnish the memory of that night with their chortling!"
Ron stared at his two best friends.
"What? You two had sex? When was this?"
"It didn't happen, Ron!" Harry denied. "Nothing happened!"
"Ron, Harry and I slept together multiple times after you left. We were both lonely and hurt that we turned to each other for comfort. Harry and I have been meaning to tell you, but we were captured by the Snatchers right before we were able to."
"Granger really slept with Potter?" Draco Malfoy asked rhetorically. "Prim, perfect Granger had sexual relations with Potter? I can't believe it!"
"I can't believe you two! My two best friends!" Ron cried out indignantly. "What else have you two been doing behind my back?"
"Looks like they're just doing each other, Weasley." Malfoy snickered.
Harry glared at Malfoy.
"When did this even happen? How did this happen?"
"The 'how' isn't the hard part, Weasley."
"Shut up, Malfoy!" yelled Harry again.
"It was around after I told Harry I lost his wand –"
"And I'm sure you helped him find it. Let me guess; was it in your knickers – in the pink corridor?"
"SILENCE!" boomed Bellatrix. Fury was in her eyes. "I will check to see if the mudblood is… sullied."
Pulling out her wand, Bellatrix marched over to Hermione to cast a spell that would tell her whether or not it was true. Meanwhile, Malfoy was laughing, Ron was glaring venomously at his former best mate, and Harry just sat there numb.
"Look, I love Hermione, Ron. She is my best friend; things just sort of happened." Harry told his best mate.
"Oh, I'm sure you love her alright." Ron spat at him. "You definitely showed her some love. All night I bet."
"No, save it, Harry! You had her go wild on the hippogriff, ride your broomstick, show you her chamber of secrets and allow your basilisk to slither in, womping the willow, visit your restricted section, let you stir her cauldron, take you to the shrieking shack, turn into Moaning Myrtle, duel with your wand, take a trip in your Forbidden Forest, make your mandrake cry, and…"
"Are you done, Ron? Are you through with all your sexual puns?"
"No, I got a few more."
"WHAT? My two best friends had sex. The least I could do is to try easing the pain with some jokes." Ron muttered miserably. "Dammit… I made myself feel sad."
A shriek pierced their ears. Harry and Ron turned their heads to find Bellatrix seething next to Hermione. The spell had confirmed that Hermione was not a virgin.
"The ritual must continue, I need this if the Dark Lord is to allow me to be by his side!"
Bellatrix ordered Greyback to return Hermione back to where Harry and Ron were still at. Hermione smiled at the two boys once she returned and though Harry smiled back, Ron only cringed and looked away. If they were going to get out of this, they were going to have a long, hard…
Bad Hermione! Don't think about Harry's long, hard…
Luckily for her, the thought was interrupted when Bellatrix announced, "We have another sacrifice!"
"Who else is there?" Hermione asked no one in particular.
Then realization struck.
Hermione groaned. Harry sighed. Malfoy snickered. Greyback chuckled. The Death Eaters laughed. And Bellatrix grinned triumphantly.
"Oh, bugger me."
Ron knew he should have slept with Lavender when he could have…