A/N: oh this is so stupid... XD
i blame reading one fic that involved the crew finding a tape of Samara during her 'wild and crazy' Maiden days... too bad this has nothing to do with her XD
Short, sweet, and overly stupid...
Dis: Bioware's got this...
Jack was bored.
So she did something she rarely did, she left the bowels of the ship and ventured off to find some entertainment. This time however she decided to find out where the ducts lead.
After crawling around for about a half hour in dingy dark places she managed to pop off a panel that said 'lift here' and found herself in the AI core. The place hummed in relative silence as Legion's body sat on the 'bed', his flaps moving back and forth in a strange wave-like motion and the lights on his head blipping on and off.
Jack stared at the mecha-man, wondering why 'this' was the thing everyone in the galaxy was afraid of, "Huh…?" the tattooed woman had her arms crossed and was just staring at the thing in closer-then-necessary proximity, "Wonder what its doin'?"
Several flaps rose as he seemed to 'turn on', the main light blipped a second and he turned towards the shaved woman who was just eyeing the machine, "Convict-Jack?" its large metallic head seemed to tilt and flaps moved, "This unit is looking up information on organics via the ExtraNet…"
"So checkin' out porn, right, bucket o' bolts?" the human woman said with a bit of a twisted snicker creeping on the edges of her mouth.
Flaps moved in a curious way, the rotary on the machines 'eye' moving in and out of focus as he spared some geth chatter, "This unit is unfamiliar with this word, explain?"
Dark brows moved on the woman's tattooed face, "You're kidding right?" the iris seemed to 'blink', "You've been searching around the ExtraNet and you don't know what porn is? Thought the Net was nothing but porn?"
"Correction: ExtraNet consists of 10 percent gaming, 3 percent torrent sites and approximately 12 percent dubbed 'pR0n'…" the light blinked again, "What is this 'pR0n'?"
Again Jack just stared at the machine flatly, "You fucking kidding me?" her hands lowered to her hips as she eyed the machine, "The ExtraNet's only 12 percent porn?" she blinked when the machine repeated its analysis and she waved her hand, "Alright I get it… so what is the Net mostly?"
Legion did that beeping thing again, flaps moving and rotary iris zooming in and out, "Analyzing. Complete. Consensus achieve: ExtraNet consists of 70 percent advertisement, conclusion: remaining 5 percent unknown or unidentifiable information…"
Dark eyes blinked on the convict as she raised a brow, "What's that mean?"
"Junk data," if she didn't know any better the way the mecha's flaps rose made it look like he was smiling.
"Are you fucking with me?" the deadly biotics eyes narrowed on the machine.
"Clarification required for attaining consensus."
"Ugh," she scratched the back of her head, "Forget I asked," the woman glared at the machine as she crossed her arms threateningly, "So gonna answer my question, were you looking up porn?"
That blinking iris again, "This unit was gathering data on organics…"
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," a devious smirk rose on Jack's lips, "So what were ya looking at?"
"We were searching for Creator related material when-" Legion stated bluntly before one of the biotics hands rose.
"Wait," Jack blinked at him surprised, "Am I hearing you right, you were looking up 'Quarian' porn?"
Legion blinked, confused by the reaction of the human female, "That is what we said…"
A grin spread across Jack's lips so wide it threatened to cut her face in half, "Oh this is just too rich…"
"You're telling me," suddenly Kasumi phased out of her cloak next to Jack, staring at the machine from beneath her hood, "I was just walking past and I hear the words 'Quarian' and 'Porn' in the same sentence…"
Jack glared at the Asian woman flatly, "Seriously, you gotta stop doing that, next time I'll blast your ass all over the walls…"
Kasumi gave a wicked smirk of her own, "I'll remember that the next time I watch you in the shower…"
"You what-!" the biotic already had the blue aura moving across her shoulders as she prepared to throw the theif across the room.
That was until Legion hopped off his 'bed' and looked between the human women, "Desist, Shepard-commander would find it unpleasant to have a unit injuried…"
"Let alone plastered all over the walls," the theif quipped, "Imagine the heart attack Miranda would have having to explain why my guts are tarnishing the inside of her pretty ship!" despite herself being the primary concern of bloody mutilation Kasumi was grinning ear to ear.
"Pfft," the glowing stopped along Jack's shoulders, "Bitchy cheerleader ain't worth dealing with right now," the smirk the convict had earlier came back in full force as she eyed the now standing machine, "Especially when we got some premo info on our buddy here…"
Kasumi nodded in agreement, "This is true, our dear friend is quite privy to some rare info," there was a sparkle in the woman's enhanced eyes as she shared a look with Jack before turning back to Legion, "And you are our dear friend, right Legion?"
A flap rose on Legion's head, "We do not understand," it said looking from one woman to the other, "We are part of this unit, yes…"
"So, we're friends!" Jack grinned mischeviously, sliding up to the bot's one side, "And friends help each other out…"
"We have noticed this behavior, but we are not sure we would be designated 'friends'," the machine looked down to where the woman was touching it, trying to understand what this gesture was supposed to mean.
Then Kasumi slid up to his other side and did something similar, "Well I'd say we're friends, and that means it'd be 'kind' of you to share some of this 'precious research' you have with us, right?!"
The light bulb that was Legion's primary optical fixture moved from one organic female to the other, their behavior seeming strange to the synthetic, "Units Convict-Jack and Thief-Kasumi wish to access this unit's research on organics?"
"Uh, translation?" Jack said bluntly.
"He's asking if we want to see his porn," Kasumi was giggling to herself, this was about as fun as that time she'd tripped Garrus into the washing machine.
"Fuck'd not just say so, hell yea!" the biotic slapped the machine across the shoulder, moving behind him to sit on his 'bed', "Let's see what you got tin-man!"
That rotary blink as a few flaps moved, "Convict-Jack has still not explained 'porn' to us…"
"Pfft…" Jack waved her hand, "Let's see what you got and we'll go from there…"
"Hmp," Kasumi smirked to herself as she ventured to sit on Legion's 'bed' as well, "I'm only here for the Quarian porn," she turned to Jack with a conspirator's grin, "I hear that stuff is banned in most Citadel space and the only kind you can find in the Terminus is so degraded and crappy quality it's not worth watching..."
"All I heard was 'blah, blah, blah geek talk'," Jack leaned back with one arm behind her head and the other mimicking a moving mouth, "Let's get to the porn bucket o' bolts!"
Legion tapped his two index fingers together in a nervous habit it had seen others make in situations such as this, wondering why the two human females now occupied its rest station, "Will this help with group consensus?"
Both women blinked flatly at him, spared each other a look then stared at the mech again, "YES!"
The machine shrugged, "Very well," with that said Legion turned on his omnitool, accessing the files and having a drone project a screen as he went to stand next to his rest station.
Five minutes and no porn later…
"Fuck, is this seriously a documentary on Quarians?" Jack openly frowned, hands behind her head and already bored, "Porn requires a good fuck first minute in else it's not porn!"
"I'll agree with you there," Kasumi was ignoring the screen and furiously typing away at her omnitool console, and from the looks of it breaking through Cerberus firewalls as fast as Jack ripped through an army, "Hmm, no wonder the tin-man can't get anything kinky, Cerby has some serious protection and censorship of their ExtraNet capabilities…"
"Less nerd speak, more ME speak," Jack was bored, this wasn't porn and she seriously felt the need to 'educate' the tin-can as well as get her rocks off.
Kasumi snorted, "They child-proofed their Net," the thief said with a snicker as she blew through Cerby firewalls left and right.
"Pfft, fuckers, can't even educate our poor drone over there on the 'basics' of 'organic' functions," the tattooed and pretty much top-naked woman stretched, "Fucking boring…"
"Got it!" the Asian woman exclaimed as the screen in front of them blipped out.
"Got what?" the convict asked.
There was definitely a sparkle in the thief's eyes, "Oh just tore down those pesky 'parental protections'," she turned to Legion who had simply been watching the two interact, "Try a search for 'Quarian on Quarian action' or 'Spacesuit trivia'…"
"Very well," the geth started up some chatter and seemed to blip off for a moment.
Jack raised a brow, "Spacesuit trivia?"
Kasumi beamed, "Trust me…"
Legion blipped back on, its flaps going about and eye-lights whirring and flashing on and off, "It seems we have access to new results," the machine turned to the thief, "number one is 'Suit specs redefined'?"
If Jack didn't know any better Kasumi's eyes just lit up, "Oooh that's a good one! Basic but still good…"
The convict flatly glared at the Asian woman, "If this doesn't have someone fucking in a spacesuit in the first minute I'm leaving…"
Kasumi grinned, "Oh, it's better than that…"
Legion stared at the two a moment before displaying the video.
To say the least, Jack didn't leave and Legion found a new meaning for the words 'induction port'…
Three something hours later…
"Commander," Kelly Chambers said across the bridge to the woman that lead them, "You have a new message on your private terminal…"
"That's nice," the woman in charge of them all said flatly, looking over a star chart and trying to decided where they should go next.
"Um, Commander, it looks rather urgent," the psychologist said, leaning over about to poke the woman if necessary.
There was a long sigh from Shepard as she hopped down from the galaxy map, turning towards her private terminal and glaring at the thing. Turning it on she found there was a bit more then 'one' new message, "Chambers…"
"Yes, Commander," the red head said from her terminal.
"Next time I have twenty emails from Miranda with consistent titles tell me sooner," the imposing woman stared at the screen flatly, reading as most of the emails came from her second in command and had 'Re: ANSWER ME NOW SHEPARD!' in the title box. Completely ignoring Kelly's attempts to justify herself the Commander opened the first email, it consisted of one line:
"Who the fuck is using all our bandwidth!"
Raising a brunette brow Shepard went to the next one:
"Seriously Shepard, we're a stealth ship, all this bandwidth usage can be tracked…"
"Hello! Yea, we have a MISSION… tell whoever it is to stop fucking around!"
"This isn't cheap! Even WE have to pay for our ExtraNet!"
And they went on in this fashion.
Shepard just stared, wondering why the operative couldn't just track the usage herself. She seemed to like doing that all the time when Shepard looked up so much as one pic online just to see who the artist's dentist was and if he was affiliated with some spy-network plotting against them. She wasn't kidding, it really happened.
"Oookay…" instead of reading the rest she decided to just delete all the ones with 'Miranda' as the sender. That left three emails, one from Liara that seemed rather simple:
"Tell your geth to stop downloading porn… you have no idea the number of spybots contained within those files…"
Well that was rather straight to the point and answered the Commander's question of what the hell Miranda was complaining about… of course it also brought about a billion other ones. A brunette brow rose as the Commander turned around and started walking towards the elevator, "EDI!"
"Yes, Commander?" the AI quickly answered.
"Run a quick diagnostic, I want all systems wiped clean of any viruses…" the Commander said in a flat voice as the elevator doors opened.
"Commander, I run sweeps daily, I assure you if there was something remotely possible of infect-"
"Just do it," Shepard cut the AI off as the doors started to close, "I've got a 'curious' geth to talk to…"
"Whoa…" Jack was leaning into the screen of decidedly devious things happening, "Is she…?"
"Yep…" Kasumi nodded, popping a piece of popcorn she had slipped out to get.
"In the…" Jack's jaw was hanging somewhere around the floor…
"Yep…" the hooded thief only nodded again…
"With the…" head tilting as the biotic was trying to understand the logistics of what she was seeing.
"Yep…" Kasumi was slightly bored, she'd already seen this vid and it'd lost its luster a while ago.
Legion was simply staring. Both human women had stopped paying attention to the bot a while ago, more engrossed in their own curiosity of alien porn. They were convinced the machine was either processing everything or already seen it all before since he hadn't so much as twitched or asked a question since the first vid started.
That was over three hours ago.
"Fuck me!" Jack said with a sly smirk as things heated up on screen, "Think all their suits are that equipped?"
"Only one way to find out~" Kasumi was grinning ear to ear.
"Think Bucket-head would tell us the truth… or hook us up?" Jacks head tilted the other way trying to get a better view.
Now that was an idea, "Ya know I never actually thought about that," popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth "was always curious about how if their stuff was compatible…"
The convict giggled lecherously to herself, "From what I'm seeing it looks awfully compatible to me…"
Suddenly the door to the AI core swoosh!ed open and Commander Shepard stepped into the dimly lit room with a frown on her face and hands on her hips…
What she was not expecting to find was Jack and Kasumi sitting on Legion's 'bed' watching what looked and sounded like some kind of alien porn on a large holoscreen while Legion stood off to the side completely zoned out.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" the woman couldn't help but shout.
Startled out of their porn induced revelry both Jack and Kasumi jumped at the sound of their leader's voice, the bowl of popcorn sadly did not make it.
"Holy hell!" Kasumi shouted.
"Jesus Fuck Shepard!" Jack growled.
Legion seemed to blink and decide this was a good moment to come back to the land of the conscious, "Shepard-Commander, we were not expecting you to-"
"Save it Legion," the intimidating woman glared at the other two organics in the room, "What the fuck are you two doing?"
"Uh…" Jack looked lost.
"Good question…" Kasumi held one hand up as if to make a point. It was quiet for a moment aside from the porn still playing and all eyes were on her. Then she said bluntly, "I forgot…"
Shepard's entire body stiffened as her left eye twitched. She wanted to rant and rave at the two, what the hell were they doing in the AI core watching porn of…
She paused and stared at the screen a moment, eyes blinking wide, "Are those Quarians…?"
"Yep…" Kasumi answered with a nod.
"Out of suits?" the Commander stepped closer, fixated by the bodies moving on the screen.
Jack smirked, "Fuck yea…"
Shepard blinked a moment as she gravitated towards them, eyes still on the screen, "Is she…?"
"Yep," both other women said in unison, devious matching smirks as they scooted over making room for their newest member.
"… Fuck!" was all the woman could coherently say as she was entranced by the impossible on screen.
"Welcome to the club…" Kasumi giggled to herself, a completely stumped looking Shepard was about as priceless as the porn they were watching.
Several hours later…
Shepard came stumbling out of the AI core, eyes twitching and every motion in her body jerky. She headed straight for the doors of the medbay and quickly crossed to the elevator, slamming on the button at superhuman speeds. Nobody had to question what she was going to go do…
Jack snickered, "Well, fuck, nice to know our boss is human too…"
Kasumi smirked under her hood, heading towards the door, "I think I'll go enjoy a few drinks, see if I can't snare that tasty Jacob for a few rounds," the Asian woman had her fingers curled in front of her in a decidedly maniacal way, a predatory look in her eyes as she flitted out the doors.
Jack watched the last 'living' person leave with a pout on her face, "Well fuck me then," she snorted, turning to the last remaining 'person' in the room, "So Tin-man, you learn anything from all that…"
"Yes," Legion's flaps were moving and there was that squeaky geth chatter of his as lights flitted on and off, "Human females cannot resist Quarian porn…"
Jack's brows bent and she was about to protest the synthetic when she recalled their company that just left, "Huh, guess you got a point there," the nearly-topless woman crossed her arms, eyeing the machine, "Anything else 'helpful'," she gained a wicked grin, "Something to use to 'help' your precious 'creator'?"
Legion seemed to blink again, "Clarify?"
The convict stared flatly at the machine before sighing deeply, "Fucking 10 hours of porn and he still don't get it," she shrugged, turning towards the ducts with a lazy wave of her hand, "Well you have 'fun' compiling data or something… think I'm gonna go have a 'spar' with Grunt, heh…" and with a final wave the woman disappeared into the bowels of the ship once again.
Legion just stood there in the AI core, contemplating the massive amount of 'organic' data it had received. It blinked for a moment before turning its light bulb head towards the ceiling, "AI-EDI?"
"Yes Legion?" the disembodied voice of the ship responded.
"Organics are strange." The geth stated.
"Oh… you have no idea," the AI said with something of a giggle in her voice. She enjoyed watching the humans and other living species mingle and make fools of themselves, and found it even more hilarious that Legion had no idea what it had just been put through, "I'm sure one day your consensus will understand."
The light bulb made a rotary blink, "We are not sure we wish to… now."
A/N: aww, consensus is achieved XD
at least know everyone knows a bit more about their space-fairing suit-wearing species... 'much' better... :P
like i said, short, sweet and stupid XD no real reason beyond crack and a poke at the random things that can happen on a ship :P
Comments, Questions, Opposing views? (Review~)
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!