Sorry it took so long to update! Forgive me please and review! And sorry for the massive amount of typos, I don't have a lot of time to check for them.
"Carlisle?" I asked softly as he carefully maneuvered the car onto the driveway. In front stood the all too familiar home where Violet and I had been living for the past few years. I shot him a curious look, one he returned with a blank and stoic stare. "What's going on, why are we here?"
After so many stressful, and rather ludicrous, events I would never have thought Carlisle would take me back here, out of all places. Did he really trust me enough to leave me alone, even after all the stupid stuff I've done? When we left the hospital I just assumed he was taking me back to his house, where Alice or one of his other daughters would have clothes and food ready. I have no special attachment to any of my things, though I suppose Violet may be worried about me. Actually worried may be an understatement. Violet can have a serious 'big sister' facade sometimes, leading to, in serious cases, screaming matches and hair-pulling fights. No surprise, she usually wins.
I sighed and moved to open the door, but Carlisle stopped me, his hand landing on my shoulder tersely. Carlisle had never been rough with me, even in moments of great emotion or distress, and I trusted him completely, but the way he grabbed me, so forcefully, had me shaking slightly. It wasn't really the pressure, or the strength he was using, but the notion. He wasn't going to let me out. No longer were my actions my own, they were his.
"Esme, something happened while you were ill in the hospital," he said slowly, is voice utterly detached. His tone reminded me of a doctor, rigidly professional and completely impassive. I looked up at him, quizzical and curious.
"What happened?" I asked lightly. By this point true concern hadn't really set in. My human brain hadn't put together all the pieces yet. The police cars, an absent Violet, the emotionless Carlisle, they all fit together when you looked at it later, but in the moment you forget everything.
Carlisle took a deep breath, pulling his arm away from my shoulder. His eyes twinkled softly, making me wonder if tears were building in his eyes. That thought was quickly erased as I remembered something Alice had told me.
Vampires can't cry.
"Carlisle, please tell me what's wrong," I pleaded as our eyes met hesitantly.
His lips broke apart as a flow of words fell from his mouth. I seemed to only catch every few words, but they were enough to understand what was going on. I knew immediately what had happened. I think I almost subconsciously knew it all along.
"It was the Volturi, the guard I mean."
"We couldn't get there fast enough."
Carlisle paused and took a deep breath, his eyes darting to meet mine.
I slammed my fists down on the dashboard, bruising the skin. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care about how awful I looked with tears running down my face, didn't care about how hurt Carlisle looked as he tried to stop me, I just didn't care.
Why should I? Violet was my everything. She was supposed to be there for me when things like boyfriends, and co-workers fall through. She was my sister, my best friend. She couldn't just go off and die! She was all I had left in this damn world!
"Esme, please stop. I don't want you to get hurt," Carlisle warned quietly. I felt his hands wrap around my wrists, pulling me toward him. He pulled off my shoes and plopped me down in his lap, my head immediately finding its way into his shoulder.
And then I cried. I mean really cried. I thought I cried at my parent's funeral but that was nothing compared to this. This was snot nose, mascara ruining, fist balling sobbing, and it wasn't about to stop. I didn't want to stop. I never wanted to forget the memory of Violet, and I felt if I didn't cry about her death, if I didn't fuss over it so much, I would forget about her. And if I forgot about her she would be lost forever, just like Mom and Dad.
"Sh…It's going to be okay, Esme," Carlisle whispered in my ear. His hand was resting on my back, pushing me into a more comfortable position. I folded my legs and wrapped my arms around his neck, breathing in his perfect scent.
"I-I-It j-just h-hurts s-s-so m-much," I whimpered into his shirt. A trail of tears and snot leaked down the expensive fabric, landing on his pants, and as much as I wanted to I couldn't muster an apology. He could buy new clothes. You can't go and buy a new sister.
"Shhh, I know it hurts, but we're going to make it through this together, alright?"
Make it through? How on earth do I take a step after this? How do I live in a world without my precious sister? How can I sleep in the house where she was killed?
I didn't voice any of these concerns though; I didn't find that necessary enough. It was hard enough to talk through these tears; I didn't need to say everything that came to mind.
Through my emotion induced haze I felt Carlisle open the door to the Mercedes, pick me up, and carry me into the house. The bed enveloped my somber form, pulling me into its warm embrace. I allowed its comfort, but I pushed Carlisle's away. When he tried to kiss my forehead, I pressed him toward the door, pointing at him to leave.
"Go handle what needs to be handled," I said calmly. "I don't want to see to anything that has to do with my sister right now."
He stared at me blankly before nodding curtly and exiting.
I didn't see him until later that night, when he let himself in through the window. The police had left hours ago, but I had yet to leave my room or leave my bed. I couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't do anything. It was as if my power switch had been turned off suddenly, leaving me empty and weak.
Carlisle tried to get through to me, but his soothing words did little to help my ruffled emotions. As much as I love him, I can't help but think if he had never crossed paths with me, if I had never met him in the first place, Violet would still be alive and I would be ok. If it weren't for him maybe I wouldn't have tried to kill myself, or do any of the other reckless, stupid things I've been doing lately.
Maybe if I had never met Carlisle, things would be better.
But I can't help loving him now that we've met. How can I? There's already such a strong bond there, pulling us together like the earth to the sun. I can't break that inhuman bond, even if I wanted to, which right now I most certainly do.
I wish so much that I didn't have to deal with all of this, that I didn't have to deal with Violet's death, and Carlisle, and his family, not to mention work and my other friends who probably think I'm crazy by now. Which I might be, who really knows? I have too much on my plate right now to be messing around with some man I hardly even know, especially one who isn't even human, or even close to my age. I mean, he's over 400 years old! Isn't it a little creepy for a twenty-something woman to be dating a man who was on the earth during the civil war? Plus, he's one of the reasons Violet's dead, one of the main reasons at that.
But I am too. I killed Violet just as much as Carlisle did, if not more. I stuck my head into this situation; I gave him my phone number and initiated almost everything in our relationship. It's my fault she's dead, not Carlisle's. Still, I can't help but think the relationship I have with Carlisle is unhealthy. We are obsessed, and not in a good way. More in a, 'I love you so much I want to kill you and drink your blood,' kind of way, which isn't really what I was looking for in a man.
The only problem is I can't give him up so easily. I need him like the air I breathe, maybe even more. I would die without him, wouldn't I? Or maybe I just think I would, maybe it wouldn't be that bad.
Just do it quick Esme, like a band-aid. 'Maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore.' Quick, easy and you're done. No more obsession. No more death. No more Carlisle.
I sighed deeply and cleared my throat, wondering how I would approach such a topic as this. It would be difficult, no doubt, but it would reap its own rewards, rewards that would, in the end, be best for both of us.
But like everything in life, I failed to complete the task that night. And the next. And the one after that.
Life went on for a month after Violet's like a slow but continual ticking clock. Change was gradual and steady, sneaking up on us like a spring fog. We couldn't escape its grasp on us, and in the end we were forced to mold ourselves around these new changes. Carlisle and I. We changed.
Gone was the happy, new couple, their smiles bright, and their eyes cheery. They left a shell for us to use, and that's all we are now. A shell of the people we once were.
We don't talk as much as we used to, and when we do it's choppy and strictly 'yes, no' conversation only. Carlisle's chosen to live and stay at my house now, since I won't leave, and his children, who are actually older than me, have been holding down the house for him. The school gave me a month absence, which is just about up. I'm expected to go back next Monday, something I am not looking forward to at all. I'm actually debating whether to go at all.
Carlisle of course wants me to go back; he says it'll be good for me. I never really answer back, just fill up another cup of coffee and go back to my room where I seem to sit for hours thinking about everything and nothing. I suppose for the most part I think about Carlisle, and what will happen after all this blows over. Will we get married? Will I be turned? Carlisle says he doesn't want that, and neither do I really. That means I have to stick around forever, and that, right now, is way too much commitment. I just want a normal life.
From my bedroom I could hear Carlisle come in from the driveway, his movements graceful as ever, but not quite silent. Even though we rarely interact anymore, after a month of living with him I know almost everything about Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Surprisingly enough he's not that hard to read.
"I'm home, love, and I brought food," Carlisle called, his footsteps audible through the dry wall. I leaned back on my bed and shut my eyes, desperately trying to block out the noise and light surrounding me. I wanted to be left alone.
I heard a rapping sound, followed by the tell-tale sound of a creaky door being opened. Carlisle's cold hand brushed against my forehead and lips, his touch still frightening tantalizing.
Whatever happens I still love him.
"Esme, please get up. You need to eat, and…function. Come on, get up," he murmured into the base of my neck as he picked me up around the waist. I hung limply in his arms for a second before complying and wriggling out of his grasp to stand on my own two feet again. The feeling was odd.
He kissed my cheek lightly and guided me into the kitchen, where the Chinese takeout he brought was already spread out across the table. It was perfect, just like everything else he did. The candles, the china plates, everything was overdone and luxurious, but that's Carlisle for you. Rich and beautiful.
"I know it's a bit much for a Wednesday night, and I know I should have cooked something instead of bringing something home again, but I wanted this to be as special as possible, and I could only do so much with my time constraints" he stated delicately as he pulled one of the seats out from me. I sat down and pursed my lips, wondering how on earth I would get through this entire meal without going insane, if I'm not already.
"So," he said inelegantly as he scooped some lo mein onto a plate, handing it to me with a steady hand. It smelled delicious and I immediately began eating, ignoring his awkward conversation starter. He needed to say more to get me talking.
"How was your day?" he asked, folding his hands together on the table. His Cullen ring glittered in the candle light, the weird pattern suddenly incredibly alluring. Actually, it wasn't just the ring that was alluring, it was him. The way his soft, golden hair was tousled from a long day at work, and how his dark colored eyes almost appeared lustful as he awaited my answer, everything just made me want him more.
Out of the whole time Carlisle had been living with me we still hadn't…"done" anything, which isn't surprising considering how old fashioned he is. Plus, I hadn't really been in that type of mood lately, until now.
"Fine," I murmured behind a mouthful of orange chicken. Carlisle chuckled cutely, showing off two deep dimples and a mouthful of blazing white teeth. I crossed my legs tightly, hoping he wouldn't detect the sudden flush over my cheeks.
He got up suddenly and walked over to the coat rack where he had hung up his white lab jacket moments ago. My eyes followed him as he dug through one of its pockets, obviously searching for something. After a second he produced a small box wrapped entirely in purple paper topped with a light pink ribbon. The paper was metallic and shined brightly as he handed it to me before sitting down. I stared at it dumbly, wondering what on earth to do.
"Open it," he smiled, pointing at the little box in my hand. "I saw it and just had to get it for you."
I pulled back the paper, careful not to mess up the beautiful wrapping job too badly. I dropped the ribbon down on the table and plucked the top of the box off, gasping at the sight of the prize beneath.
There, beneath a pile of tissue paper, sat a beautiful locket, opened to reveal a simple picture of Carlisle and I, his hand around my waist, a smile tugging at my lips. I remember Alice taking it the first weekend I met Carlisle's family, before the Volturi messed everything up. Back when everything was easy.
I tentatively picked up the locket, inspecting it as I switched it from hand to hand. There was a line of roses etched into the framing around the picture and a small message inscribed on the opposite side, stating "My only true love," in elegant script. It was absolutely perfect.
"I-I don't know what to say," I said breathily.
"Here, let me help you put it on," Carlisle said warmly, hopping up from his chair to take the chain between his fingers. He hooked it easily and dashed back as I adjusted my hair around it.
I could only imagine how awful I looked, what with my bed-head hair, oversized college hoodie, and ugly grey sweatpants, but for some reason, at that moment, I felt beautiful. I had a boyfriend who adored me, and now I had a monument of his affection hanging around my neck. What's so terrible about my life at this very second?
Good thing you didn't break up with him you idiot.
Besides the obvious, my life isn't too hard, overall. I still have people who love me, and care about me. I still have the Cullen's, who have been almost too kind to me during the rough times. On numerous occasions Alice has dropped by to give me various things she knows I need. Things I'm too embarrassed to ask Carlisle to get for me. Of course she also gave me things that I didn't need, like overpriced clothes and lacy lingerie, both of which I promised would not be used. It's really the thought that counts anyway.
'So, you like it, right? I mean, Alice said you would, but her visions can be subjective sometimes, and…" his voice faded off as he stared at me awkwardly, searching my eyes for approval.
I gave it to him in the form of a nod and a smile, both of which he graciously took, offering a simple 'you're welcome' along with a chaste kiss on the hand. His lips were smooth against my skin, igniting the fire within me once again. I needed him, more than I ever needed him before.
"Esme?" he whispered as I got up and walked around to his seated form. He gave me a quizzical look before I planted a heated kiss on his slightly parted lips, causing him to gasp slightly in surprise (it has been over a month since I've been so daring). After a second he realized what was going on and deepened the kiss, pulling me forward so I could sit on his lap comfortably. His hand found my waist and wrapped around it tightly, pushing my other hip into his groin. He groaned around my mouth and I used his moment of weakness to slip my tongue in-between his lips, tasting him with new excitement. It had been too long since we had done this, since we had loved each other in a physical manner.
I felt his cold hand slip underneath my sweatshirt to massage my back freely, groping at the flesh beneath my bra strap. I knew Carlisle, and I knew he wouldn't go past that without some serious persuasion, which, I might add, I'm offering today. I'm ready for this. It's been over a month, and I'm ready.
I ran my hand across the front of Carlisle's pants, idly wondering what he would be like. I of course had had my fair share of fantasies about what my gorgeous boyfriend was hiding under those dress pants, but in reality I had no idea what I would find. Either way, I'm sure he'll be perfect.
"Come on," I murmured, breaking the kiss for a second to pull Carlisle up by his tie. He compliantly followed me to my bedroom and didn't even hesitate when I sat him down on the bed and steadily began undressing in front of him. None of the normal, 'Esme, stop', or 'not tonight, love,' just lustful eyes and a massive erection to match. He reminded me of teenager dressed like a business man.
I peeled off my sweatshirt and pants, tossing them to the ground as I walked over to Carlisle whose eyes had gone completely black with desire. He had hunted last night, so I knew he would be okay, but for some reason my nerves tightened at the sight of his onyx colored eyes. They were somewhat frightening.
"You're the most beautiful creature on this planet," he commented, pulling me between his legs. His erection pressed into my thigh, causing me to smile. He was more than ready.
"Did Alice give you these?" he asked politely, thumbing the lacy red undergarments I had chosen this morning to wear. Thank God I didn't wear my normal white n' beige set made for forty-something's. That would have been embarrassing.
"No, the ones she gave me are much, much worse," I warned him, sending him a naughty grin. He smiled and allowed me to take off his tie and button-up shirt before pausing to raise and kick off his pants.
If there are words to describe a nearly-naked Carlisle, I sure as hell don't know them, because the sight of him standing there, his sinewy muscles rippling handsomely, his perfectly sculpted arms and legs flexing flawlessly, had left me completely speechless. He was so perfect, so utterly perfect that it almost made me want to cover up. Almost. I know for a fact I turn him on (there's evidence, I can see it) so why do I need to worry about how I look? Obviously he loves how I look. It really doesn't matter what I think.
I pushed him down onto the bed, straddling his hips in the process. Our lips met again, as searing and as hot as ever. Passion coursed through us as we kissed and touched and felt each other. He felt so smooth and impeccable beneath me, almost like a moving statue. My own personal Zeus, and for tonight I'm his Hera. I'm his Goddess and he's my God.
"Essie," he moaned into my ear as I pressed my palm into his groin. He tossed his head back, tendrils of blonde hair flying backward in his frenzy. He was so different in this state, all wild and crazy. This was a side of Carlisle he never lets anyone see, the one which is actually capable of losing control sometimes. I never realized how lucky I am to have him as my own.
"Make love to me, Carlisle," I groaned out. His hand found my breasts and he squeezed at them through the stiff fabric, pulling at my already taunt nipples. I arched my back and let out a little scream as he did so, falling backwards on the bed, allowing him to tower over me, his arms stretching out to pick me up lightly. His had caressed my neck and hair as he whispered soft nothings in my ear, coaxing another moan from my mouth. He was killing me.
"Carlisle, please," I begged, tugging at his hair. I'm sure it as annoying, but he only chuckled at the childlike gesture.
"My love, my Esme," he murmured as he planted a kiss at my collarbone. From there he trailed his lips down to my navel before sliding his lips down to meet my panties. He kissed the skin just above the fabric before biting onto the lacy material. Just before he was about to pull them down he jumped up from his position and raced to the opposite corner of the room, huddling like a scared child.
I sat up and placed a hand on the side of my head, wondering what on earth he was doing. I could feel my libido dying down quickly, which built a new wave of agitation inside of me. Why couldn't he do this just this once? I needed him, so why couldn't he just give this to me?
"Carlisle!" I snapped, an unneeded bite in my words. I knew he would understand my anger, he knows my emotions better than anyone, but for some reason I needed to demonstrate them for him. I needed him to know what I felt in a blatant and obvious way.
"You know I can't do that Esme. You know I can't," he reasoned, slowly walking back over to me. He pulled his clothes back on and offered me my own, which I refused. I didn't want to get dressed. I wanted to make love to my boyfriend, like a normal grieving woman. Why can't I be in a normal relationship?
"Why? Tell me why you can't have sex with the one woman you promised to love forever? Because I don't see a reasonable answer," I spat. He looked up from his pants where he was buckling his belt. He shook his head slightly, his eyes directed downward at the floor.
"I don't want to hurt you," he explained, his tone making him sound almost tired, which I knew was impossible. Still, he sounded exhausted.
Maybe if he treated you like his girlfriend and not his child he wouldn't be so tired.
"Oh, don't give me that crap, Carlisle. You have the most control over your powers and you know it."
He gave me a confused look. "That's not what I mean, Esme. I think I could control myself, but I would be filling your…area with venom, and that's dangerous. Not to mention I heard it's actually possible for a male vampire to impregnate a human female. The female has never survived. Do you want to die from my hand, Esme? No, I will not make love to you as a human. You can count on that," he rebutted with confidence. He turned form me and began making his way out of the room when I yelled for him to stop. He did, changing his position so he was staring into my eyes.
"Then leave. Just go. This relationship is breaking down anyway, so just leave. I don't want to see you again," I hissed. I knew what I was saying was wrong, and a complete lie, but I had to say it. I couldn't live this way. I'm not his child, or his roommate. I'm his girlfriend, and if he doesn't want to treat me as such, he doesn't deserve to have me at all.
"Esme, please don't do this," he pleaded. His eyes locked with mine, his golden stare penetrating me like a million bullets, killing me instantly. I had to get rid of him. I was dying with him.
"Leave! Now! Go get your crap and get out of my fucking house! Now!" I screamed, pounding my fists down on the bed angrily.
Carlisle's face fell as the words soaked through. He stared at me for one final second before grabbing his sparse belongings and leaving, locking the door behind him stiffly. The house fell silent as I dressed for bed almost in a mechanical manner.
I sobbed for hours, most of them for no reason other than overall depression. It was pitiful, but I had to. I had to let it all out one final time. I then pushed all my sheets into the washer and placed the rest of the Chinese food into the microwave to warm up. I turned Netflix on and flicked through its familiar selection as I shoveled lo mein and fried rice into my awaiting mouth. My vision became fuzzy as I picked some random show and settled in, somewhat watching the show but never really getting into it. My mind was too occupied for that.
After completing the almost religious practice of binging-after-breakup I fell asleep on the sofa, a cartoon of Ben and Jerry's at my side, a re-run episode of I Love Lucy on the television. I didn't even notice my phone ringing continuously throughout the night. No, I was much too tired to hear that.
I wish I had checked it.
But at the time I didn't know it was Alice texting me telling me to come over quickly, for Carlisle was planning on moving away to Alaska to visit with his cousins, the Denali's. Nor did I know a certain blonde vampire named Irina was quite smitten with Carlisle, and was planning on seducing him now that he was 'free-meat'.
Just another day in my crazy, fucked up life.
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