Wherever You Are


Christian's life was a nightmare. Some long running dream that scared him shitless. Unlike a normal nightmare, he couldn't just wake up and forget about it. It was a nightmare that would forever be a part of him. It was just like his heart or brain, as long as he lived it would function. He compared it to drowning. He was just a empty man trying to stay afloat in a sea of emotion. He had never felt like this. Some of the people closest to him had died before yet it was never like this. What he was experiencing now was hell. He was so confused about it. It had happened way too fast for his brain to process it all. Christian's mind slowly started to register Sammy's death. It was like a game of pass-the-parcel. Each day, another emotion hit him, slowly bringing him to a pit of darkness and depression. All of Christian's friends were buried in what ifs at the moment, leaving Christian to himself. Sammy was his best friend. Sammy was his only true friend.

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Christian never had the power in his relationships. Tara always took control, barely recognizing his opinions. Kat was too laid back to even care. His friendship with Sammy was different though. Every decision was made by both of them. It was so even. That was what made Christian confused. He knew Sammy had once liked him. The tables have turned. It was like Sammy's death switched on a part of Christian's brain that made him regret something. Regret never sharing his underlying feelings. It wasn't until recently when he discovered his attraction to Sammy. Sammy had started to hang around Ollie, a third year. It wasn't really a problem at first. Christian admits he felt a bit jealous. Ollie was openly gay, which was probably the source of the jealously. Sammy was still in a spiral of confusion about his sexuality. He didn't know who he was. Honestly, it was driving him crazy. He didn't know how to label himself, he didn't know how to feel. He just honestly didn't know.

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But at the time of Sammy's confusion, Christian was dealing with the same problem. He couldn't risk telling anyone. Once upon a time he would of told Kat, but after their short lived relationship he didn't fell comfortable enough. Tara was another option, yet with her big mouth and her being his ex-girlfriend, she was even an riskier choice. The new boy Ben seemed nice, but he hadn't earns Christian's trust yet. He had his old friends which would react by bashing him up leaving him with one option, Sammy. If it wasn't for Sammy struggling with the same problem or Christian's feelings being directed at him, the temptation would have forced him to tell him by now. Christian had continuously told himself that telling anyone would cause any good. Keeping his feelings bottled up wasn't a major problem for him. His whole life, Christian had been quite reserved, letting other people do the talking for him. Sammy was similar in a way, although people made up their minds for him. He wanted to speak for himself but he just didn't have the courage.

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When Ollie and Sammy's relationship started, Christian acted happy for him. It was just a facade though, under that happy exterior was a boy full of pain. Grapling the issues of his sexuality and his new found emotional stress, Christian was on the verge of a mental breakdown. His body was trying to deal with all of that and dancing, he just couldn't do it. Sammy on the other hand was no longer stressed. Instead he had changed directions completely. Happily in a relationship and the Prix De Fonteyn, he basically had the world at his feet.

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Then there was that day. The day where Christian's world dropped. Sammy and him had made plans, and Christian was stupid enough to bail. At that point in time, Christian still had hovering feelings for Tara, that came and went as they pleased. They didn't make anything easier, and he had decided to act on them when they were there. He knew this spontaneous behavior would be something he would regret, yet he acted on those sudden impulses. Christian was a completely impatient person. Sammy on the other hand was the most patient person Christian had ever known. That day however, Sammy was in a rush. His patience was running low. He had places to be and he had to be on time. His schedule had been messed up from what he planned. Yet he still made time for a run with Christian. Christian had plans to. Christian canceled with Sammy and planned to meet with him later. Christian didn't know that there would never be a later...

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They had called it a 'clean crash'. No blood, just a dead body. The phone call Christian recieved broke his heart. When his phone rang, Christian didn't know what to expect. Maybe a prank call. Maybe Kat wanting to know where he was. But instead it was just the simple words of "Sammy's dead." Nothing more, nothing less. It was like a bomb had gone off inside of him, like bullets collided with his heart. There was just pain. All his emotions that he kept inside of him shattered and poured out. Somehow he ended up laying on a Sydney footpath falling into insanity. He was just crying and hurting. He was too weak to move. It took his whole willpower to eventually manage to get to the Sydney Opera House. Finding Tara was a feat of it's own. He spent ten minutes holding back tears and asking directions until finally he made it side stage and Tara runs to him. She was shocked to see Christian at that time of day. Instead of confessing his feelings towards her, he was telling her one of her best friends had died. She didn't cry, she just stood in shock, shaking and stuttering random syllables. She was a mess just like Christian was.

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Every day got harder for Christian. His dorm only smelt of Sammy. His dorm was filled with Sammy's stuff. His dorm was just memories of Sammy flooding back to him. Christian was no longer coping with every emotion being thrown at him. He couldn't sleep, wouldn't eat and wouldn't even try and speak about what he was going through. Instead, he just laid in his room staring at the ceiling. The funeral just turned Christian into a mess, sobbing and screaming throughout the whole ceremony. Eventually, Kat had to drag him out to stop him from disrupting the service anymore. He was in despair. His dorm was a jail cell, tourturing him every moment he was in there. He told himself he deserved it, that he should of never bailed on him. Christian didn't know how to describe his feelings towards Sammy. He just knew it was too late...