Author's Note: This idea crept up on me this morning, and I thought it would be fun to write it. This fic is an AU fic, since the events of Sburb never happened and there are no time paradoxes in this fic, but the Pesterlogs and trolling still exist. So, let's begin the fic.
Oh, and in this fic, Dirk is Bro Strider and Roxy is Mom Lalonde.
Disclaimer: Andrew Hussie owns Homestuck. I'm just a fan of Homestuck.
It was a very normal day in the very normal city of Maple Valley, Washington, where a very normal father named Dad Egbert was bringing in the mail.
"Bill, bill, jury duty summons, bill..." Dad Egbert said to himself before he noticed a letter for his son. "John, there's a letter for you!"
Dad Egbert's son, John, ran downstairs to claim the letter from his father.
"A letter? Must be from Rose, Dave, or Jade," John commented as he opened the letter. But, to John's confusement and eventual horror, the letter said the following:
Dear John (Get it? It's also the name of a movie),
Remember me? It's me, Jake English, your old pen-pal you had back when you were seven! It's been a while! How have you been, old chum? I've been doing well here in Australia. Anyway, I'm headed to the U.S. for a month to visit Washington, Oregon, Nevada, and California with my grandmum. Tomorrow, we're going to be headed to Tacoma for an overnight stop, and grandmum said that I could visit you and your friends and family. I've heard so much about them, so how about we have a little party to celebrate? I can't wait to see your family and friends tomorrow!
John grew pale. Throwing a party for a person you've never met was hard enough, but John only found out about this at the last minute.
"Dad, can we throw a party tomorrow?" John nervously asked his dad.
"Why, son?" Dad Egbert asked his son.
"My pen-pal is coming tomorrow, and he wants to meet my family and friends. Of course, we only found out about this today," John explained. His dad just sighed.
"I suppose. Go tell Jade, Rose, and Dave about the party while I go shopping for the stuff. Oh, and you should invite that Jane Crocker girl that lives down the street, too! I'd bet she'd love Jake!" Dad Egbert answered. "Oh, by the way, which Betty Crocker cake mix should I pick up?"
John screamed as he grabbed at his hair.
"No! Not the Batter Witch!" John cried.
Over in a city in Texas, Dave was working on his turntables, when his phone rang.
"Talk to me. A party? For somebody you've never met before? John, are you fucking crazy? *Sigh*... Alright, alright, I'll be right there."
Dave hung up his phone and exited the room.
"Bro, I'm going to go to a party! While I'm gone, Lil' Cal is not allowed in my bedroom!"
On an island in the Pacific, Jade got the same call from John.
"You know Jake English, too? What a small world! I know him, too! Of course, I'll help! I'll see you soon, John!"
Jade hung up and ran downstairs.
"Bec, Grandpa, I'm going to go see my friend, John! Bec, guard the house while I'm gone!"
In New York, Rose also got John's call.
"A party? For someone you don't know? John, what did you get yourself into? I'll be right there."
Rose hung up.
"I'd better bring Vodka Mutini. I have the feeling that things are going to get ugly. Maybe I should bring my knitting needles, too..."
On a faraway planet called "Alternia", twelve trolls sneezed.
"I havve the feeling something wweird is going to happen..."
The next day, the party was set up at the Egbert household, and John, Jade, Rose, Dave, and Jane were waiting for Jake to arrive.
"So, John, what's Jake like?" Jane asked John.
"Jake, huh? Well, he's Australian, he likes movies, he's my old pen-pal, he's... Honestly, I don't know what else to say," John explained. The doorbell then rang.
"John, Jake's here!"
John ran to the door and answered it to a boy who looked similar to him. The only thing that was different between the two boys were their hairstyles and the fact that the other boy wore a green coat.
"Jake English, is that really you?!" John asked the boy.
"John Egbert?! You look like me!" Jake yelled excitedly.
"Well, son of a gun! We could pass for twins!" John commented. "So, do you want to come in? Your buddy, Jade Harley, is also here."
"Of course!" Jake said before the three went back into the party room.
"Jake!" Jade yelled before she glomped Jake.
"How are you, Jade? It's been a while!" Jake asked Jade.
"I'm good," Jade said. "But, enough about me. Meet Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, and Jane Crocker, my other friends."
"Hello," Rose said.
"Nice to meet you!" Jane said enthusiastically.
"Yo," Dave said with a wave of his hand. "I'm also the DJ for this party. You'll be hearing some mad, ironic tunes."
The doorbell then rang again.
"There's the rest of my family! Why don't you guys have some refreshments?" John asked before he ran to the front door. When John opened the door, he saw twelve Trolls standing on his lawn.
"What the fuck did you call us here for, idiot?!" Karkat asked John, who closed the front door behind him.
"Listen, you guys. My pen-pal is visiting from Australia, and he wanted to see all of my family. Since my family only consists of my Nanna and my dad, you have to pretend to be my family," John explained.
"What's in it for us?" Kanaya asked John.
"A party," John answered. "Now, Aradia, you're my sister He-She, who is from China. You live in Ridgecrest, California, and you run a motel. Tavros, you're my baby cousin Tammy. You live in South Dakota and you're going to get married to a beautiful woman named Shana. Karkat, you're my older brother Heathcliff Thom McSex Bomb who left home to model in Los Angeles or New York. Sollux, your name is Gareth and you're my awesome cousin that lives in Chicago. You attend the University of Chicago and you work as a bartender to pay off your student loans. Nepeta, your name is Precious. You're my twelve-year old otaku cousin from Islip, New York, and you love to cosplay and go to anime cons. Kanaya, you're Macy, my dad's mistress from Mexico. Terezi, you're my sister Lana Strider. You go to boarding school in Nevada and you like to LARP. Vriska, you're my girlfriend Michelle. You're an artist from Seattle and you work at a hipster coffee shop. Equius, your name is Charlie X, and you're my second uncle. You're a Brony from New Orleans. Eridan, you're my older cousin Andrew, who is from London. You're a rich, snobby hipster. Feferi, you're going to marry Eridan. Your name is Tsukushi, and you're from Japan. You have an annoying laugh, and everyone assumes you're a weeaboo because of it. And, last but not least, Gamzee, your name is Marky-Mark. You're my stoner cousin from Las Vegas, and you work at an auto mechanic shop. Got that?"
The Trolls grew silent, since they were wondering what drugs John was on when he came up with their fake origins.
"What kind of name is 'Heathcliff Thom McSex Bomb'?! John, what the fuck were you smoking?!" Karkat cried.
"Ooh! Islip, New York, sounds like a purrfectly good name for a city!" Nepeta commented.
"What's a Brony?" Equius asked John.
"A male fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic," John explained.
"What's My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Is it anything like My Little Hoofbeast: Moiraillegiance is Magic?" Equius asked. John sighed.
"Yes, it's like that show," John answered.
"Oh, my... I think I need a towel," Equius commented as he beagn to sweat profusely.
"Why do I have that Dave kid's last name when I'm supposed to be related to you?" Terezi asked John.
"Because Dirk didn't want you or something like that," John explained. "Now, let's go meet Jake."
Fortunately, for John, the party was going smooth. Jake got along with the Trolls and the Trolls didn't slip up on their fake identities.
But, hindsight is only 20-20. What John didn't know was that the party was going to go downhill fast.
"So, Tsukushi, how's Japan this time of year? I've always wanted to go to Japan," Jake asked Feferi.
"It's reely nice! The sakura blossoms are so pretty!" Feferi gushed.
"I see. So, when are you and Andrew going to get married?" Jake asked Feferi.
"M-Marriage?" Feferi asked, since there is no real definition of marriage on Alternia. "Well... Uhh... The wedding is in six months. We're going to get married in New York City."
"That sounds like a lot of fun!" John commented as Dad Egbert wheeled in the cake.
"Alright, everyone, I made the cake! Who wants to cut it first?" Dad Egbert announced.
"How about Jake? He is our guest?" John offered.
"Alright, then. Jake, why don't you cut the cake for us?" Dad Egbert offered.
"Okay," Jake said as he grabbed the knife. But, just as Jake was about to cut the cake, Lil' Cal jumped out of the cake.
"Hi, everybody!" Lil' Cal greeted everyone. Most of the guests screamed and/or jumped back, with Dave screaming the loudest before he passed out at Vriska's feet.
"Wow. He fainted in the most ironic way possible," Dirk commented as he exited the cake, Lil' Cal in his hands.
"What are you doing here? You weren't invited," Dad Egbert asked Dirk.
"For your information, Egbert, my bro was gone for several hours. He told me he was going to a party. What he didn't tell me was that the party was in another state," Dirk explained as he got out his katana.
"Put that away!" Dad Egbert yelled. But, before anymore damage could be done, a drunk Roxy Lalonde entered the room.
"Hey, youse guys! Did I miss anything?!" Roxy slurred. Both John and his father grew silent.
"All of you, get out!"
And, so, everyone but John, Jake, and Dad Egbert left the house.
"I'm so sorry all that happened, Jake," John apologized.
"It's okay. This party was quite smashing, if I may say so," Jake said. "In fact, why don't we do it again soon?"
"He's right, son. Your birthday is coming up, so why don't we invite everyone back here for your birthday? And, yes, Lil' Cal can come, too," Dad Egbert suggested. John facepalmed.
"Never again... Never again..." John thought to himself.
Ending Note: I used too many page breaks in this fic. *Sigh*
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