So this is a random thing I came up with the other day.
It is as mentioned, pretty random but enjoy it anyway!
"That one! That one right there!"
Hidan crossed his arms and followed the finger that Kakuzu was pointing at Kakashi Hatake.
The Copy nin had just exited the gates of Konoha and was off on what was probably a long mission.
Kakuzus bookkeeper had recently been killed in the crossfire of a shinobi fight and the miser was worried that his records and cheque history was on his person when he died.
This meant that the instant his body was searched, Konoha would have information on the Akatsukis self-proclaimed treasurer.
As a result of this, The Zombie Brothers were camped outside the gates of the Hidden Leaf Village waiting for an opportunity to infiltrate.
Of course, Kakuzu had elected that his partner be the one to do said job.
Stamping his foot impatiently, Hidan turned his head away.
It wasn't until he heard a growling sound and turned back that he saw Kakuzu glaring at him.
"Tch… Fine… You owe me big time for this, Kakuzu you asshole."
The priest threw his partner an annoyed look as he sighed, mussing up his hair until it defied gravity and stood up at one side then dressed into the Konoha jounin outfit that Kakuzu had neatly sewn together a half hour before.
Hidan slipped on the spare, unmarked Hidden Leaf Hitai-ate that Itachi had left lying around after claiming it to belong to one of the first Uchiha when Konoha was established (cause that's really something you leave lying around…)
The priest crossed his arms and glared back at Kakuzu who as yet, had not said a word.
A silence descended upon the two as Hidan glanced through the trees at the man he was trying to impersonate.
Everything was perfect…
Old as shit Konoha Hitai-ate, check.
Jounin outfit, check.
Weird glove things, check
Complete lack of tasteful hairstyle… Check…
He widened his eyes however, when he realized something wasn't right.
Glancing around on the ground, Hidan realized there was one crucial thing missing.
He almost smiled with relief, it wasn't like he actually WANTED to do this and now maybe he didn't have to.
"Kakuzu, we don't have a mask. I cant impersonate this asswipe if I don't have the fucking mask."
Without a word, Kakuzu reached into his pocket and withdrew a jet black face mask.
Hidan raised an eyebrow at his partner when he uttered, "It's a spare."
Grudgingly, the priest took Kakuzus mask and put it on, not bothering to complain because in all likeliness, it would end in a fist fight.
For once, Hidan was not in the mood for one.
The miser looked his partner up and down, walking in circles around him to inspect the disguise.
His eyebrows furrowed slightly, making Hidan very nervous.
"Theres something missing…"
Hidan tilted his head in surprise, looking at himself and then at the real Kakashi.
It didn't look like he had forgotten anything…
Frowning slightly, he impatiently turned back to Kakuzu and growled, "I don't see whats miss- OW FUC-mmmph…"
Kakuzu covered Hidans mouth with his hand while the priests swearing fit continued.
He didn't really care for his partners discomfort, he would walk it off anyway.
Kakuzu just didn't want him making too much noise.
When Hidans cursing and struggling finally stopped, Kakuzu let him go to inspect the damage he had caused.
Blood trickled from the large cut that he had inflicted from the top of Hidans eyebrow, to half way down his cheek.
Hidan growled at him under his breath,
"Whats your fucking problem!? The headband was going to cover up my eye anyway! What did you want to do, hurt me or something?"
Kakuzu nodded, "Yes."
"Well fuck you then."
It took a lot longer for his immortal body to heal scar tissue than it did fresh wounds.
For the rest of the day Hidan would have a mark but when he woke up the next morning, it would definitely be gone.
They waited 20 minutes until Hidans bloody cut closed up and contracted into a scar.
The now dry blood was cleaned up and the priest righted everything that need righting.
"And remember, no swearing."
Glaring at Kakuzu, Hidan turned and stomped off towards the Konoha entrance gate.
The gate keepers, Kotetsu and Raido looked up at him as he entered the village and grinned at him as he walked past.
Waving their hands they cried out, "Hey Kakashi! That was a quick mission! Did you forget to take the mission scroll with you again, or are you practicing being on time?"
The real Kakashi would have waved at them and smiled without saying a word before vanishing into thin air.
Hidan, not in a mood to play around let alone act out someone elses personality, yelled over his shoulder, "Fuck off you dumb shits."
He stalked off into the village, leaving a gaping, dumbstruck Kotetsu and Raido in his wake.
When he was out of sight, Kotetsu whispered, "Wow… as if our egos needed even more damaging…"
Hidan stomped through the streets of Konoha without the slightest idea where he was or where he was going.
Kakuzu hadn't been specific, nor did he give him any directions at all as to where the body of his book keeper might be.
He muttered curse words under his breath which were thankfully, muffled by his mask.
At least I haven't been recognized by this douche-bag Kakashis friends or anything.
Several people yelled out hellos and greetings to him but Hidan was so caught up in his own world that he completely ignored them.
Luckily for him, Kakashi usually did the same thing too.
There was one greeting however, that he couldn't ignore.
A giant man with long white hair and a seedy disposition collided with Hidan midstride and latched onto his arm.
The undercover Akatsuki member was so surprised he forgot to react.
Which was probably a good thing because if he had, it would have been with violent swearing.
To make things worse, Hidan didn't recognize this guy at all which meant he couldn't call him by name.
Have to do something to not look suspicious…
He tried desperately to remember the speech habits of Kakashi Hatake, if he didn't know this guys name then he at least had to greet him with something suitable.
What was it he said when he spoke to the gatekeepers this morning… Something short and stupid… What-was-it-what-was-it-what-was-it!
Hidans face grew red in irritation.
Deciding to try the first thing that came to mind, Hidan hesitantly greeted,
The white haired man in front of him didn't budge an eyelid (so Hidan at least assumed he got the greeting right) instead the man shoved a little orange book under Hidans nose and pointed to a very scary picture.
It took him a few seconds to comprehend what he was seeing.
Hidan suddenly yelped in fear and pushed the book out of the way, a slight nosebleed and stomach ache coming on.
He was all for sex but it wasn't the sort of thing he read or looked at!
Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew! What sort of fucking pervert reads porn in public!?
Hidan gagged slightly and looked the other way until his nausea past.
He briefly wondered if he had upset the man with the scary book but upon facing him, realized that he was grinning ear to ear.
Waggling his fingers in the air, the white haired man eyed Hidan creepily.
"Whenever you react like that Kakashi, I know that I have written and drawn the books well."
Hidan glanced at the book again and noted the title was Icha Icha Paradise.
Where had he seen those before…?
He didn't go to libraries so that was a dead end…
Maybe someones bookcase in their room back at the base…
Kakuzu only read financial things and the stocks in the papers, Zetsu only read stuff about gardening, Tobi read kids books, Deidara read about art, Kisame read about the ocean and sharks or something…
Itachi read a little orange book with a…
A switch clicked in Hidans head as he remembered.
Itachi and Sasori often got together to read books from that series and constantly fawned over the author, which seemed to be the man in front of him.
Hidan felt like bashing his head against a wall in his effort not to swear.
For the life of him he couldn't remember the name of this freaky pervert in his way.
With little options left, Hidan decided to approach the situation aloofly and avoid names where possible.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he smiled uneasily and replied,
"Yes, you have done a very good job on… that…"
Now he knew why Kisame, Deidara and himself weren't allowed into Itachis room when him and Sasori were discussing 'business'.
He used to get furious for not knowing what they were doing, but now he felt he was better off being oblivious in the first place.
Hidan forced his attention back onto the man in front of him who at the moment, was saluting him and saying something about his filthy book.
"-and then Naruto said, "Jiraiya, that book is filthy, dattebayo" but he is just not mature enough to understa-"
That's the fuckers name, Hidan thought.
Not a wonder he couldn't remember though, his brain had obviously repressed the name as soon as he saw the familiar orange cover.
Whatever the case, Hidam needed to get away from the guy, sneakily if possible.
He got the feeling that Jiraiya would follow him around like a lost puppy if he didn't ditch him quickly and harshly.
Hidan glanced back at him.
Jiraiya had seemed to go off on a tangent with whatever he was saying.
"-aruto tried tearing up my precious manuscript and I told him, noooooooooo, Kakashi wants to read that, don't make your sensei upse-"
This Naruto kid seems to have the right idea.
Why are we trying to kill him again…?
Hidan shook his head.
Who cares at this point? What he really needed was a distraction…
The best way to distract someone, obviously, was to point and yell something that attracts attention before running off at the speed of light.
It works on Kakuzu anyway, Hidan mused.
"Look! A polar bear!"
Hidan made exaggerated movements and pointed into the distance over Jiraiya's shoulder.
To his surprise and annoyance, the white haired man gently pushed Hidan backwards out of his personal space and lowered his arm for him as he kept yapping away about his dirty, disgusting novel.
"I couldn't believe it, you know? Its so discouraging every time Naruto calls my book dirty, disgusting and all that… But I keep writing for your sake, Kaka-"
This guy just never stops.
Hidan raised a finger to his chin in thought.
What would scare him enough to make him piss off and leave me alone…?
Pointing in the opposite direction, Hidan yelled,
"Look out! A meteorite is headed for earth!
"-so then I laid my moves on her and was all like, "Cmon Tsunade! Lets go get hammered" and because there was alcohol involved sh-"
"Look out! It's a Senbon-Chewing-Shinobi!"
"-but the bar was closed so we had to-"
"Look out! It's Madara Uchiha, alive and well!"
"-Naruto just so happenedto show up and he still had the condom I gave him the other da-"
"Look out! The Akatsuki are attacking!"
"-so I played hard to get and told her I had to work on my novel but she made me do the mission report anyway-"
"Holy hell! A naked woman!"
Hidan used the immediate distraction to run off in the other direction.
He was beginning to think yelling and pointing wasn't going to work.
Obviously, he should have yelled that out in the first place…
It was cliché to yell about a naked woman to attract a perverts attention but who was he to complain…
As he dashed through a crowded street, Hidan congratulated himself on his amazing technique.
I bet it works on Itachi and Sasori too…
He made a mental note to find out.
A small girl holding an ice-cream ran in front of him as he dashed through the streets and Hidan narrowly avoided knocking her over by skidding to a halt.
She raised her arms over her head in defense as he towered above her.
Ignoring the girl completely, Hidan bent over, his hands on his knees and huffed, slightly out of breath.
That was close…
A soft sniffle caught his attention.
He glanced up.
The little girls ice cream had fallen to the ground and was melting in the sun.
The little girl glanced up at Hidan silently with tears in her eyes.
Why was it that all kids cried when their sweets fell on the ground…?
Hasn't she ever heard of the ten second rule?
"Uhh… Don't cry kid…"
The sniffling grew a little louder.
"Seriously… Crying doesn't solve shit…"
Sniffling gave way to gasping sobs and Hidan glanced around frantically.
How the fuck do you get them to shut up? Is there a snooze button or something…?
Hidan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"See, this is why I don't want kids…"
The little girl started wailing.
Hidan slumped his shoulders, closed his eyes and grit his teeth.
He looked around and noticed that other villagers had started staring at him and the little girl he was obviously mistreating.
"Oh for fucks sake!"
Hidan put his hand in one of the pockets on the jounin jacket and pulled out his coin purse.
The little girl stopped wailing, sniffled and rubbed an eye instead.
He hated giving away money, maybe it was something he picked up from Kakuzu.
After rooting around in his coin purse for a few seconds, Hidan found a few coins.
Holding them out in his palm he offered them to the little girl.
"There. Just go buy another- HEY!"
Before he could finish, the little girl snatched the money and bolted down the street away from him, giggling.
Growling in annoyance, Hidan tossed his coin purse back into his pocket before reaching over his shoulder for his scythe…
Which wasn't there.
Jashin fucking dammit!
He had left it with Kakuzu when he entered the village.
Red with fury, Hidan took a step to give chase to the googly-eyed brat that he was going to dismember, decapitate and disembowel before he realized that he had attracted a small crowd.
Nearly everyone in the street had stopped and was watching the scene with stony faced interest.
Instead of yelling profanities at the girl as he had been planning, Hidan instead shook a fist in her direction and called out,
"Didn't your parents ever teach you to say thank you!?"
Seemingly satisfied with his reaction, the street came to life once again and the villagers bustled around once more.
Sighing in irritation, Hidan vowed to return to the village in the dark of the night and kill the little girls entire family.
He glanced around in boredom.
Something shiny caught his eye and Hidan was about to investigate what appeared to be a weaponry stall when he heard the dreaded cry of, "Kakaaaaaaaaaashhhhhhhii!" in the distance.
That means Jiraiya…
Which means it was time to go.
Hidan proceeded to race as far away from the voice as he deemed possible.