A/N: Sadly, this is based on a true story. You just can't make up stuff like this.

Dedicated to TheRogueChicken and Pence.

Inside the Factory

The road had been long and harsh for the knights since their fair maidens had been spirited away by dark forces. After rescuing two of their sweethearts (and fighting almost to the death for their fair hands in marriage), our heroes the Green, Blue, and Orange knights followed the trail to a mechanical factory.

The maniacal Duke, lord of the factory, guffawed at the puny mortals who feebly tried to tear down the massive titanium gate barring entrance to his abode. Neither their weapons nor magic could put a scratch on the seemingly indestructible door. Everything seemed hopeless, but what spinach does for Popeye, homemade samiches do to Technicolor knights. Pulling out the picnic basket they had swiped from Yogi Bear (who incidentally swiped it from a Salarian STG team studying the affect of enhancement drugs on wildlife), the knights feasted upon their jelly sandwiches laced with steroids and grew into gigantic proportions.

Now fully ripped, the ogre knights tore the door clean off its hinges and tossed it aside like a piece of cheap Styrofoam. They entered the factory, chasing after the livid Duke.

The effects of their lunch wore off within seconds. Having shrunk to their original proportions, they were immediately ambushed by the Duke's newly confident minions. The knights cleared the path with easy by cheating. Green upped his level by 80 points and one-hit killed mostly everything, leaving Blue and Orange with nothing better to do than pull out their shovels and dig around for buried treasure. Yeah, because everyone knows there's treasure buried under titanium flooring…

With the minions beheaded and their booty (almost) evenly distributed amongst the victors, the knights pressed on further into the factory of horrors. Deathtraps awaited at every turn as the machinery ran rampant against its programming.

"Okay, everyone," said Green as he led the way shield-first into booby-trapped territory, "we're coming up to the mallets. Time yourselves and try not to get hit! You'll get killed easily and I—"

Orange ran headfirst into the death mauls and got squished like a pancake.

"What did I just say?" Green shouted. He quickly went to resuscitate his comrade. "Now run!"


Orange just stood there and got crushed again.

"Ugh!" Green groaned as he again administered mouth-to-mouth. "RUN!"




"Stop standing there and—"


"What's wrong with you?"


"I didn't even heal you yet, how did you die again?"

Blue had run out into the hammers to try his luck. Turns out he wasn't very lucky.

Green shook his head in dismay. "The second you get up, run. You understand? Run." He gave his friends the kiss of life, and this time, they actually ran. "Thank you god!"

They ran…and went splat under the second hammer.

"Lord love a duck!"

Twenty resuscitations later, and Orange finally got across.

"Now you stay there while I help Blue," said Green, who ran back into the thick of the hammers to kiss Blue back to life.

Blue got up only to die again.

"Dear god! Am I going to have to hold you by the hand or something?"

While Green busied himself with Blue—who had somehow managed to die under the first hammer again—Orange grew bored. He tossed his boomerang around a bit, gave his horn a few blows, and dug for some nondescript treasure but nothing held his attention for too long. Eventually, he started playing the hopping game. He hopped under the hammer and back to safety; under the hammer and back to safety; under the hammer and—


"JESUS! What the hell did you just do?" Green screamed.

Orange's ghost popped out of his lifeless corpse. "Okay, Blue," he said, waving to Blue's ghost (who was incidentally trying to dig Green into a ditch—it didn't work), "on 3 we're going to both use medigel. 1…2…"

"That's a totally different game!" said Green.

"Says the one with the gel addiction."

"Hey, don't be hatin' on my gels! I can quit anytime I want!"

"If you hadn't eaten them all, we wouldn't be in this predicament."

"We wouldn't be in this predicament if you'd stay away from the frickin' hammers!" Green let out a loud, irritable grunt. "You know what? I'm done. I don't have the potions for this." He skipped across the hammers and made it safely to the other side.

"Hey, you forgot to give us the kiss of life!"

"Uh-uh, I ain't having this."

"'Ain't' isn't a word," Orange corrected.

"Shut up! I don't need no stinkin' auto-correct sass from you!"

"That's a double negative…"

Green stuck out his tongue and got on the elevator.

Blue's ghost shot some arrows at Green, but they didn't land far enough.

"You're abandoning your teammates?" Orange said, mortified.

"Damn straight. I can totally solo this." Green plowed through the ambush on the elevator.

"But we're your teammates!"

Blue blew his horn.

"And you're dead," Green retorted. He then cast a few spells and blew up the Duke's crazy machinery. "So long!" Green chased the Duke outside to where the princess was yet again spirited away. He gave the Duke a quick shove off the balcony and set off to the ice castle.

Meanwhile, Blue's ghost ran circles around Orange, firing off arrows and boomerangs in every which direction.

"Why are you so spry?" Orange said bitterly. "He's not coming back, you know."

To that, Blue just stopped and smiled from ear-to-ear. He then pulled out a big, red button labeled "reset" and started the level all over again.

Green, Blue, and Orange rematerialized outside the factory.

Before anyone could say anything, Blue sprinted inside the factory. Not more than three seconds later…


Green smacked his forehead.


The End