A/N: Thank you to everyone who joined me on this very short journey :)
This was a different style of writing for me and I really enjoyed it, so perhaps in the future, I may employ it again :)
Enjoy, my ever faithful and amazing readers :)
Onward and up!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(
June 20th 2021
My Dearest Santana
Five years to the day that we walked hand-in-hand back up the aisle after being pronounced married. Time flies, huh? Especially when you're having fun. I wish we had more fun…
I miss you, Santana. I miss you when you're away at work, when you're at home but sitting in your office, when you're sitting next to me and I can tell that you're thinking about something else. The worst is when we're making love and you don't even look at me anymore. When was the last time we even made love?
I can't believe that as I'm sitting here, my bags are packed and waiting by the door. I'm leaving, Santana. It's our goddamn anniversary and you're at work. I dreamed that we'd be talking about having a family at this stage of our lives, if we hadn't started one already.
It's breaking my heart to write this letter to you. We were so happy, Santana. What happened? Did you become bored of me? Did the letters I sent you not have the same effect? Was the sex bad? Was I loving you wrong?
The worst part is that I was so convinced that you were going to make me your priority. After everything we went through, you were supposed to love me and want me forever. That's how these things are supposed to work. You hurt me, broke my heart and I took you back. You told me that you were going to spend the rest of your life making me feel like your number one, like the single most important thing in the world. You wrote that in your fucking vows, Santana.
I don't know where you are right now, or who you're with. The unknown is probably what hurts the most. I thought I trusted you. But you never tell me anything anymore. I haven't had a letter from you in months. That's always been our thing, San. Always. It's how we found each other again. And now I feel like I've lost you. Again. And I'm the one walking away. Again.
Sadly, I think it's because you're too scared. Once upon a time, we didn't give fear a chance to worm its way into our relationship. And yet I'm always the one making the difficult decisions while you let them just pass you by.
Well, Santana, you just let me pass you by.
I wish I could say that I didn't love you. I wish I could say that I didn't wish more than anything that you would come running through that door and shower me with love and affection and tell me that I'm your number one. I wish that I didn't know that I probably won't get a letter from you. I wish that I didn't wish that I did.
I wish that you loved me enough.
I wish that you'd just told me you didn't want me anymore.
Always wishing for you,
June 29th 2021
It's taken me nine days to write this because I've been unable to come up with the words that I feel would quell your worries and concerns. This last week has been torture for me. I hate not having you here. I hate not being able to turn to you in the middle of the night as we sleep and just hold each other. I hate that you're not eating cereal in the kitchen when I come in after my shower. I hate that I can't watch Saturday morning cartoons because it's just not the same without you.
Brittany, I hate that you're not here. I hate it.
But I hate that it's my fault.
You were right to leave. Again. I hate that it always takes these drastic measures for me to see how much I'm fucking up. And I hate that it's always you that gets hurt so much. I would gladly take all the pain that I cause you if it means that you can just be the Brittany that I love so much.
I do love you, Brittany. I love you so much that I am swirling into a pit of depression without you here. I've hardly eaten, I doubt I've showered more than twice. I can't seem to function without you.
I love you and I need you. I didn't know that you didn't feel like I didn't. I'm so sorry. I know that I've been distracted. No excuse will be enough. Neglecting you is completely inexcusable. Utterly unjustifiable. You ARE my number one. You always have been and you always will be.
Please come home. Come home and I'll show you that you're my number one.
All my love,
July 10th 2021
It's unfair of you to say all those things to me. You haven't shown me affection in months. Not the kind of affection that you used to show me every second of the day. You made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. You made me feel like the most loved. Now…I don't feel like that. I feel like the most neglected. And a wife should not feel that. Not when you promised, San. You promised.
I'm not coming home. You need to do more than tell me how terrible you feel. I know our saying has always been words speak louder than actions, but I'm not sure words are going to be enough this time. That scares me so much because I am hurting. I hate not being there as much as you hate me not being there.
But I have to be strong because you're not. Do you know that in your last letter you didn't once say sorry for anything?
July 12th 2021
Tell me what I need to do, Brittany! Please! I'll do anything. ANYTHING! I'm slowly dying without you. Not seeing you, not hearing your voice…
You're not answering my calls, emails, IMs, anything. How am I supposed to act when you won't allow me to?
Nevertheless, I fought for you once and I married you. I won't fail to win you back again.
If it's the last thing I do, Brittany Pierce, I swear I will win you back.
All my love,
August 3rd 2021
The gifts are sweet gestures, but that's all they are, San. Gestures. I don't need gestures. I need…
Well, I know what I need. You need to figure it out if you want me back.
The door trembled against the violent knocking. She glanced up from her cereal and frowned. Who the hell would be visiting her parents at eight am on a Saturday?
She opened the door and smiled.
"I need you," Santana pleaded, tears streaming down her face. "Please, Brittany. I can't go on without you. You're my everything. Tell me what I need to do. I'll honestly do anything. I'll…" Her voice choked. "If you wish, I'll leave you alone."
Brittany stepped forward and took her hand, pulling her close. Santana clung to her desperately.
"Don't you see, San? All I needed was you. It's all I've ever needed. You just had to remember that you need me too. You need me enough to come and fetch me."
"I'm so stupid," she sobbed into Brittany's shirt.
"You are," Brittany sighed. "But I still love you."
"I'm sorry, Britt. I'm so, so, so sorry. I'm so sorry."
She stepped outside, closing the door behind her and sitting with her wife on the swing seat hanging from the porch.
"I-I-I quit m-my job," Santana said urgently, watery brown eyes boring into her blue ones.
"Why would you do that?" Brittany asked calmly.
"Because it was pulling me away from you. I knew it was. But I wanted to make sure that we were secure, that we had enough."
"For our family." Her voice is quiet.
Brittany's eyes are wide. "You never said anything."
"I wanted it to be a surprise. But then things just got ahead of me and everything just got so overwhelming. And I didn't realise until it was too late. Again. I don't expect you to forgive me, Brittany. I would like to try and convince you to give us another chance. Come home with me and let me remind you how much I love you. Please?"
Brittany nodded and her wife smiled in relief.
"Reason one, Brittany Pierce: You are my first and only love."
She blushed. She knew Santana had all the reasons memorised. This was what she wanted. She wanted her wife to remember why she'd fought for her before. She wanted her to remember why she loved her.
Santana leaned closer. "Reason two, Brittany Pierce: I will always wait for you."
Brittany closed her eyes.
"Reason three, Brittany Pierce: You saw me when no one else did."
She can feel her breath run across her face now. Reasons four and five are her favourites. They're her absolute favourites out of the four hundred and seventy-one reasons that Santana had written, each one different. She'd checked.
"Reason four, Brittany Pierce: I was put on this planet to love you. That is my task. It has been since the day I was born and it will be till the day I die."
Brittany let out a breath she hadn't even been aware she was holding. She knew Santana was very close as her fifth reason came out in a whisper so soft that only because they were millimetres apart was Brittany able to hear it.
"Reason five, Brittany Pierce: You are my perfect match. And I am yours. You told me that on Valentine's Day of our senior year in high school and I will never forget how much I wished I was brave enough to tell you that I wanted everything with you. Brave enough to kiss you in that crowded hallway like I'd wanted to so much."
"Kiss me now," Brittany begged.
Their lips met and all the other four hundred and sixty-six reasons were forgotten because none mattered as long as Santana kept holding onto her and kissing her like she was the most important thing in the world. Like she was the number one thing.
That was all she needed.
A/N: So there we go…so didn't go according to what I had planned…lol. Am I surprised? Nope :)
Sequel? I dunno…are there unanswered questions or did I wrap things up sufficiently? Keeping in mind that this was never meant to be any longer than six chapters at most…
Anyway, would love to hear your thoughts regardless :)