A/N: Because I really need to branch out to different fandoms, and this seemed like a good place to start. That and I've always wanted to do a '5timesplus1' story. Or whatever the technical term is .
Plus, I have a minor Iron Man obsession at the moment that needs to be addressed . . . and I think Stark eliciting violent tendencies in others is funny.
Disclaimer: Nope, just musing a little . . . and fan-girling a lot.
Clint was a patient man by nature. That was his job, after all, being a sniper/spy. Very little could rattle that patience, much less break it completely. Very little.
Tony Stark, however, was the exception to many a rule.
They were both staring out the broken window of an exceptionally tall building when Clint happened to realize this.
"I'm certain that this is somehow your fault," that was about the fifth time Tony had said that as he continued to check the damage to his suit, "Great, even Jarvis is starting to blink out . . . left stabilizer's busted . . . I don't even think this chest-plate is repairable –"
"Stop talking," Clint interrupted flatly. Before I shoot you. He knew he had some explosive arrows left.
Tony ignored him, "I mean seriously, you could've been a little faster with the save there. Would have saved me a lot of extra time in the workshop . . . of course now you have given me the perfect excuse to get out of that stupid charity thing –"
"Stark –" Shooting him would be too quick.
"But then Pepper will mad 'cause I skipped the last one –"
"I mean it, Stark –" Really hope that suit's not too damaged.
"Nice, Barton, now I not only have to repair the suit, but my girlfriend is mad at me . . . what are you – Barton!"
Shoving Stark out the window wasn't Clint's most original idea, but it was still incredibly satisfying to hear Tony's extremely girlish scream as he went down.
When Tony finally remembered he could fly, he was hovering in front of Clint again in an instant, "That was rude."
Clint sighed, "Just . . . stop talking."
Tony suddenly had a way too cheerful expression, "But I've only just gotten started."
Pepper should have been immune to shock by now, really.
Yet, somehow, walking in on the sight of Black Widow, on the floor of her living room, simultaneously straddling a panicking Tony and holding a frilly throw pillow to his face left Pepper a little speechless.
When Natasha saw the other red-head she merely growled, "It never stops talking." Her eyes were kind of dilated and she was breathing hard as Tony tried desperately to escape.
Well, if she couldn't be immune to shock, Pepper could pride herself on shaking it off quickly enough, "Just make sure he's conscious by eight. I don't care what he says; he's not missing this charity benefit."
The assassin gave her a jerky nod and pulled the pillow off Tony's face.
"Seriously?" Tony gasped, "The famous Black Widow is trying to kill me with a pillow?" Said pillow was shoved back onto his face as Pepper walked out.
"I'm ignoring you Tony."
"But I'm bored." How he managed to make words have ten extra syllables, Bruce would never know. Bruce didn't answer.
The silence lasted all of two seconds.
He took a deep breath, "Go play with your toys Tony."
"I don't w –"
"Tony," Tony opened his mouth again only for Bruce to slam his hand over it, "Shut up."
Tony glared over the other scientist's hand for a moment while Bruce savored the quiet. Then . . .
"Ew!" Bruce snatched his hand away as Tony cackled, "You licked me? Seriously?"
Tony didn't stop laughing for three hours.
The god of thunder was usually the last person to fault anyone for being loud. Loud was one thing.
Stark was another.
How a mere Midgardian managed to hold that steady stream of nonsense in the middle of battle was beyond him. It was like a herd of Bilchsteim pounding in his head (and this wouldn't be a big problem if the Captain hadn't insisted he wear this blasted headset that let him hear, not only orders from the ground, but everything else).
Thor's irritation only came to a head after the fight was over, however. Frankly, he didn't think anyone could blame him for his actions.
"What's with you, Blondie?" Was Tony's greeting upon seeing Thor's scowl pointed at him.
He tried being nice (like Jane asked), he really did. Though, somehow, using the word 'please' around Tony Stark sets off some strange reaction within the man that resulted in another round of verbal abuse.
"You will leave my mother out of this Stark!" And with that Iron Man was hit with a particularly impressive bolt of lightning.
The rest of the team (sans the Hulk as they didn't actually know where he was; and it was probably a good thing he didn't just see Thor electrocute his favorite person) stood behind him. The Captain walked up to him with a sympathetic look, "You remember what happened last time you shocked his suit right?"
Thor thought for a moment . . . and immediately wanted to hit himself in the head with his own hammer.
As he saw Iron Man start to get up across the street, he could practically hear the smirk the man underneath probably wearing.
"I will never be able to outlive this, will I?" Thor asked Rogers mournfully.
"Afraid not, big guy."
"Director, a moment," Agent Hill's brisk tone sounded behind him and Fury turned.
"Something wrong, Agent?" Fury asked going back to the console in front of him.
"Sir, the basement crew is saying there are strange noises coming from one of the airtight vaults down there," She paused, looking at him with something akin to exasperation.
"And?" Fury glanced at her.
"And when I tried to open it to investigate, I found it was locked to anyone except for you," She was still staring at him.
He finally turned to look at her fully, "And?"
"And when I checked the security feed inside the vault I found this," she thrust a tablet at him showing a video feed of one very irate (and, thankfully, suit-less) Tony Stark slamming his shoulder into the immovable door. There was no sound, but Fury could read lips well enough to know he was using some extremely colorful language. In several different languages.
Fury cleared his throat, "It's entirely possible Mr. Stark was accidentally locked into one of the vaults."
Hill stared at him for a second, seeming unable to choose between anger and amusement, "Why exactly?"
"He licked my hand, Agent."
Hill was staring again. Finally she shook her head and took the tablet back, "And should we discover this little mishap soon, sir?"
"I'd say he's got an hour's worth of air left," Fury replied turning away from her again.
" . . . Understood, sir."
A/N: I wrote this in a day, which worries me because I've never written anything good that fast before and I'm afraid my writing skills are pretty rusty (to put it lightly), so I'd appreciate constructive criticism.
But I hope you had fun with it, cuz I did. Except for Thor's part, that was . . . ugh . . .
I will post the 'one time it worked' hopefully before the week is out. It'll be less cutesy/funny (or what I think is funny, anyway) and a little more angsty (or what I think is angst, anyway). Please review!