This was just a little idea I had to make a Kyle XY story inspired by things like 'The Hangover', 'Dude, where's my Car', and HIMYM's 'The Pineapple Incident'. I might have made it longer, but there are only so many drunk Kyle jokes and the actual TV show already used most of them.
I'm not actually in favor of Kyle/Hilary or Declan/Hilary. This story is not intended to fit anywhere in the actual series (except it's somewhere after the part where Kyle and Amanda break up) and really should be taken seriously at all.
I do not own Kyle XY
There was a loud pounding in my head and an unusual discomfort in my abdomen. Or maybe it wasn't unusual for most people—because of my endurance, I wasn't exactly used to feeling physical pain. As I adjusted, I felt something rough against the side of my face.
Kyle clutched his head as he finally opened his eyes. For some reason, his shirt was missing. The outside of his tub was in view and his cheek was flat against the rug. Kyle groggily began to sit up with an imprint of his rug on the side of his face.
Why had I fallen asleep on my floor instead of my tub? I was used to keeping perfect track of everything that happened to me, but for some reason the past 12 hours were a complete blank.
Kyle continued to rub his head, but he suddenly stopped when something caught his eye. There was an arm draped over the side of his tub, with painted fingernails.
There was a girl in my tub.
Lying down against the cold floor of the Trager kitchen, Declan slowly started to come to as well.
"Ugh… what the hell happened last night?"
Declan opened his eyes as he propped himself up against the cabinet to get a better look around. As he did, an empty beer can rolled off his chest and hit the floor with a clank. Now that he could see, Declan noticed that he was wearing a t-shirt and nothing but his boxers below his waist. Empty cans of cheap beer were scattered all across the kitchen.
"I guess that answers my question."
Declan heard a door elsewhere in the house open and shut. In walked Kyle buttoning up a shirt and looking extremely confused.
"Declan, what did we do to the house last night? I don't remember anything."
Declan slowly got up on his feet. "All I remember is you telling me that the Tragers were going on vacation and me somehow convincing you that we should get drunk again. And from the looks of things, that's exactly what we did."
"Then do you know why Hilary is here?"
Declan raised his eyebrows. "Hilary?"
Kyle nodded and winced. "She's asleep in my tub—and she's naked."
Declan flinched. "Hold on… what?!"
Before Kyle could respond, the doorbell rang. Both of them turned their heads to the front door, wondering who it could be. Declan looked back at Kyle anxiously.
"Could that be the Tragers already?"
"Declan, they wouldn't ring the doorbell to their own house."
"Right, you answer it while I… uh… find my pants."
Kyle walked over the front door and opened it to see a UPS deliveryman holding an enormous box.
"Mr. Kyle Trager?"
The man handed him the package. "This came in for you."
"What is it?"
The deliveryman paused. "Sour Patch Kids. You ordered them."
As the man left, Kyle shut the door and took the package with him back into the kitchen, where Declan was zipping up his pants.
"Kyle, we need to figure out what happened."
Kyle nodded as he put down the box. "We could wake up Hilary. She might know."
Declan shook his head. "No. Bad idea. We need to find out before we talk to her. Can't you do some superpower thing to remember?"
"If I focus, I should be able to access my holographic memory. Maybe that will still be intact from last night."
Declan nodded. "Do it."
I began to focus on what I could remember, but it was much more difficult than usual. The information was jumbled, like a television channel filled with static. Finally, I managed to put some of the pieces back together.
Kyle looked around to see that he was in the house the night before. He walked into the kitchen to find himself and Declan in the middle of telling stories and laughing over a case of beer. Kyle stared uneasily at the projection of himself, who at this moment was on the phone.
"… You have my address and my order. I want a THOUSAND Sour Patch Kids…"
Declan cracked up as he listened to Kyle make the order.
"… And I want them delivered here. And sir? Please make it overnight."
Kyle closed his cell phone and grinned at his friend. "Now I'll get to fill my tub with my favorite food. And take a bath in it."
Declan laughed as he cracked open another beer. "Problem is, they still won't come until tomorrow."
"Oh…" Kyle looked at his closed phone with a frown. "You're right. What are we going to do now?"
"You know what else you take a bath with? A girl."
A big, dumb grin came over Kyle's face. "A girl?"
"Yeah, you know, a female? With breasts and everything? What's the farthest you've ever gotten with a girl?"
Kyle paused. "I… made out with Amanda."
"Bro, we gotta make something happen tonight! I'll wingman you and everything. Don't you want more than just hugs and kisses?"
"Well… yeah." Kyle nearly stumbled as he grabbed and opened another beer. "I mean… when I was with Amanda, I got like… well… that day at the pool."
"Day at the pool?"
"I don't want to explain it to you. But my point is… I don't think Amanda wanted to."
"Dude, you're not with her anymore! You're a free man! Tonight, you can hook up with any girl you want. You need some rebound!"
"Well…" Kyle grinned again. "I think I kind of like Jessi."
"No! Not her."
"But… why not? You said…"
"Because it's rebound! You don't rebound with a chick you actually have feelings for."
Kyle seemed incredibly confused. "I'm supposed to rebound… with a girl I don't like?"
Declan shook his head. "I didn't say pick a girl who's your enemy. Just someone's who you think is hot, but you don't actually want a relationship with. It's not supposed to be serious, just fun."
Kyle slowly nodded. "Just fun…"
"So who's it going to be?"
Kyle grinned. "Well… I find Hilary... attractive."
Declan nodded. "Wise choice. She's always had eyes for you. I'll give her a call right now."
As Kyle stood there watching the events of last night unfold, the images around him suddenly became rough and blurry. Kyle opened his eyes to find himself back in the present, standing in the trashed kitchen with Declan.
"Find out anything?"
Kyle turned to Declan. "We were drinking together and you told me that I needed to rebound from my relationship with Amanda. Then you gave Hilary a call."
Declan cringed. "This is not going to end well. What happened next?"
"That's all I have. For anything past that, the memories are just too damaged for me to retrieve."
Declan sighed. "Great."
They were interrupted by the sound of someone else opening the refrigerator. Kyle and Declan turned to see a pair of feet on the other side of the refrigerator door.
Declan turned back to Kyle with wide eyes. "Crap! She's up!"
The door slammed shut to reveal Jessi, who was just getting herself a soda.
She shot them a mischievous smirk. "Um… good morning."
Kyle tilted his head. "Jessi?"
Jessi's eyes darted back and forth and then she nodded. "Yeah, it's me."
"Hold on." Declan stepped forward. "I thought you were with the rest of the Tragers."
"I stayed behind. I just kept myself in my room last night so that I wouldn't interrupt your 'bros night'—as you called it."
Kyle winced. "Do you know what happened?"
Jessi raised her eyebrow as she continued to smirk. She was clearly enjoying this. "I was in my room. How would I know anything?"
"Jessi, please. We need your help."
"Maybe I could help you out. How about this: I'll connect my mind to yours and boost your mental abilities. Then you can access your holographic memory again and see for yourself. But Kyle…" She raised her eyebrow even more with a grin. "Are you sure you want to know?"
Declan cringed. "Now that can't be good."
Kyle nodded at Jessi. "Do it. We need to find out before Hilary wakes up."
Jessi stepped up to Kyle and they put their hands on each other's arms. As they both focused, the previously garbled memories became clear.
Kyle was back where he had been, once again experiencing the memories from the night before. He anxiously walked into the kitchen to find that Hilary had joined up them and she had also caught up with them in terms of drinks.
Hilary laughed as he put her hand on Kyle's shoulder. "You know what, Kyle? You're cute and smart and funny and really… really nice. Most guys are missing at least one from that list."
Kyle drunkenly raised his eyebrows. "And keeping with the theme of tonight, I will now impress you again. I am going to do show you TWO incredible things at once. Kill two stones with one bird."
"Bro… that's two birds with one stone."
Kyle turned to Declan. "Thank you."
Hilary ran her hand through her hair. "So what are you going to do?"
"I'll show you."
Kyle grabbed his shirt and ripped it apart with one motion.
"There. I showed you that I'm incredibly strong… and that I have no belly button."
"And very nice abs too." Hilary raised her eyebrow as she touched Kyle's stomach. "Unlike you, I have a belly button. Do you want to see it?"
Kyle grinned. "Yes."
Hilary unbuttoned her blouse and let it fall to the ground behind her. As she stood before Kyle and Declan with nothing above her waist but a bra, neither of them were looking at her belly button.
Kyle's eyes were wide apart. "Wow… grapefruit."
Declan nodded. "More like cantaloupes."
Hilary shot Kyle a seductive look. "I'll be in your room if you want to see more."
As Hilary left the kitchen, Declan turned to Kyle with a grin.
"Look who was all smooth tonight. You're a lucky man."
Kyle paused, thought for a second, and then turned to Declan. "No Declan, you are."
"What do you mean?"
"You should go to Hilary instead of me. Tonight… I'm your wingman."
"But why? You're the one who need the rebound."
"Declan, listen." Kyle closed his eyes and tried to talk clearly in spite of his drunkenness. "I still haven't done something like that with a girl yet. As much as I want to, I really should wait until I'm with a girl I really care about for my first time. But you…"
Kyle gave Declan a pat on the back, but it came out too hard, as drunk Kyle didn't know his own strength.
"No man, it's cool… but are you serious?"
Kyle nodded. "Go find Hilary."
Declan grinned. "You're the best."
Back in the present, Kyle opened his eyes to see Jessi smirking at him yet again. He took his hands off of her arms and turned to Declan.
"I didn't sleep with Hilary last night—you did."
"She went into my room and then I told you to go to her instead of me."
Declan's eyes widened. "Oh crap! The girl code! Lori's going to kill me!"
Kyle turned back to Jessi. "Jessi, do you remember when I broke up with Amanda and you recommended erasing my memory of her with an electric charge?"
"I remember. Why?"
Kyle cringed. "I just found out that Declan and Hilary had sex in my bathtub. Where I sleep. This time, I'm going to need my memory wiped for real."