AN: Hello dear readers, it's been a while. Real life has been a little hectic, but here I am once again, and I promise you all that I'm not giving up on this story, I WILL see it through.
Sorry for the wait, I had a broken hand…
Not much to say this time, thank you all for your readership, and I hope you continue reading.
Chapter 16: Lost
Restricting hands and crippling vices…
That was all I saw, heard or felt in the aftermath of the confrontation with my father.
I felt hands pulling me down, when all I wanted to was to break the surface of sanity and just… breathe.
I saw blood red all around me, suffocating and consuming.
I saw tears and punches and disappointment and resentment.
I heard screams and sobs and "I'm so sorry Baby."
All the while, I could hear him. I could feel him all around me. Try as I might, I couldn't shake the feeling of safety and belonging that I felt while his arms circled around me and held me tight. And I hated it, I hated everything about the feelings I was feeling towards him. I hated him and my father; I hated myself and this life. I just hated everything around me and I wanted it all to end.
But Edward wouldn't let it end, he wouldn't let me hide in the deepest, darkest portion of my mind, he wouldn't let go when I so desperately needed him to.
All night I thrashed and sobbed, and he whispered "I'm so sorry Baby."
All night I fought and struggled and regretted my actions and he whispered "I've got you Angel, I've got you."
All night I wondered; why was I in this bed with him, why was he holding me so tightly, why was he whispering soothing words and comforting me? What changed? Was it me? Or was it Edward? Did he finally understand the gravity of our situation? What was it that compelled him to take care of me this time around?
I woke up feeling like I've been hit by a truck, my eyes were almost swollen shut, and my nose was killing me, as was my throat.
When I started to get out of bed, Edward's hand shot out and grabbed my arm, startling me.
"Where are going sweetheart?" He asked, his voice was gravely and low. He's been through hell with me.
"To the bathroom." I replied lifelessly.
"I don't think you should walk right now Bella, hold on, I'll carry you." He told me.
Well I didn't want his pity or compassion, God only knows what he'll do now that he's seen me weak and at my lowest.
"I've had a rough night Edward, I'm not incapacitated. I can get to the bathroom by myself." I said angrily, daring him to argue with me.
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry I'm just worried about you." He said, looking right through me. "I wanted to make sure you were okay Bella."
"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked.
"You didn't see yourself last night Bella, you didn't see the blood and the shaking and the gasping for air; I did. I held you all night, scared out of my mind. I thought your heart was going to stop any minute. You were shaking so badly, you were crying and begging and… and I don't know, you just worried me." He said.
"I… I get nose bleeds when I'm extremely upset or angry. It's nothing to worry about, it just happens. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm okay now, I'll be okay." I lied. I lied because I had to, I had no other option.
What was I supposed to do? Trust him? Trust that everything was going to get better after this? Why, because he helped me through the most horrible night of my life? Any decent person would have done that. I wasn't anything special, I didn't mean anything to Edward, and I was just a cruel girl who was thrown into his life.
I eventually walked to the bathroom; all by myself I might add. I washed my face and brushed my teeth, and then I got in the extravagant shower and began scrubbing. I scrubbed and washed and washed again, thinking I could wash away the memories and the hurt and the guilt.
I hit my father; I actually hit my father, and then ordered him out of my life. No matter what he had done to me, no matter how he had fucked up my life, I had no right to hit my father like that; and that's where the guilt came from. That's why I found myself on the cold shower floor, crying my heart out again for the man who used to be my hero.
Everything after that was a blur. I wanted nothing to do with life, and apparently life wanted nothing to do with me.
I spent my days buried inside my head, I found myself staring at walls all the time. I showered, I ate when I was forced to, I spoke with one syllable sentences when I was spoken to, I stared and stared and stared at walls until my vision got blurry, and then I went to bed. I no longer slept next to Edward, I no longer longed for the comfort of his bed or the comfort of his arms around me. I just curled up in a fetal position on my bed and just slept. No nightmares, no dreams… nothing.
School started and I found myself giving all I had just to pay attention in class. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't make friends, and I didn't even remember the faces of any of my follow students. I just went to school, stared at the board or at the instructor, got my notes and went home.
Things at home weren't so different; I didn't speak to anyone there either.
Esme would look at me with tear filled eyes, and it had absolutely no effect.
Alice would try to engage me in a conversation and I would find myself tuning her out.
Rose was so pissed at me; she couldn't even look at me, and I didn't give a shit. She would spit words like "Get the fuck over it already" or "Drama queen much?" and I didn't find the energy to care or to even respond.
Emmet would goof around, tell me jokes, try to tickle me, try anything that would make me laugh or utter more than one word at a time, but he didn't succeed. When that approach didn't work, he sat me down and just talked, he went on and on about the hardships of life, and how we should be strong enough to overcome them, he begged me to talk to him, he begged me to just snap out of it and talk to him, he reminded me that he was my "go to guy" and that he loved me just like he loved Alice and Edward. He told me that he'll always be there for me, no matter what, and that when I was ready, he'll get me through this. But I didn't listen, I didn't want to listen, I didn't want anyone to be there for me, I didn't care if they were. Even though it broke my heart to see Emmet crying as he spoke, I couldn't find it in me to care enough to talk to him, and that just made me close myself off even more.
And then there was Edward…
Edward who also begged me to talk to him, who begged me to just say or do something, Edward who went to work and came home right after work, Edward who no longer partied all hours of the night, who no longer had "sleepovers" with any of his sluts, Edward who just sat there and looked at me look at the wall. First his looks were looks of pity and heartache, then they turned to looks of impatience, and lately they've been looks of pure unadulterated anger and frustration.
It's been three months since my showdown with the old Pops. It's been three months since I just abandoned my body, abandoned the people who I considered my family and abandoned the world and left, I left it all and hid in my head.
In my head, things were perfect. In my head I was a completely different person and led a completely different life. In my head my parents didn't throw me away like I was garbage, oh no. in my head my parents loved me and would have done anything for me. In my head I headed to New York that summer afternoon with a full scholarship to study medicine. In my head, when I arrived to New York, I had a job at Cullen Co. and that was where I met Em, and Alice and Jasper and Edward. In my head I wasn't forced to marry a man I didn't even know.
In my head everything was perfect.
But real life was a bitch, and I couldn't hide in my head forever.
In real life, I was close to a skeleton; I barely ate and it seemed like I lost two pounds every day.
In real life, the people closest to me, the people who considered me a part of their family started getting impatient, frustrated and too worried to leave me be.
In real life I did have a husband, and that husband had reached his boiling point.
A late Friday afternoon, I sat on a chair facing the fireplace, with a cup of hot chocolate in my hands that I had no intention of drinking and a lifeless look on my face. My family was sitting all around me; having conversations I had no intention of being a part of. Every few minutes one of them would ask me if I was doing alright, but I didn't reply. Every few minutes Alice would nudge me, Emmet would poke me, Jasper would send a worried glance my way, and all I did was just look straight ahead… aimlessly.
I thought about the fucked up things that happened to me in such a short span of time, all the abandonment and the hardships of having to get accustomed to a new life I had no idea I was supposed to be living. All the trouble with Edward and all the unworthiness I felt after my used to be family abandoned me. I guess it just dawned on me that my life was never going to be the same, and that after the contract was terminated I would have no one and absolutely nothing.
I didn't realize I was crying until one of my tears landed in the cup of hot chocolate in my hands making a tiny, barely noticeable splash. But someone did notice, because the next thing I knew, I was being yanked upwards while I hearing Edward yell: "That is it!" loudly.
He grabbed my arm and just started dragging me outside the house, and he was walking so quickly I stumbled almost six times trying to keep up with him. The dragging stopped once we reached his black Lamborghini, and then I was being shoved into the passenger's seat. Edward go into the car and peeled out of the drive way. His was speeding so much that the scenery around us was nothing but flashing blurs. Normally I would have been screaming his ear off, but frankly I didn't care if we crashed and died, so I stayed absolutely still, because nothing mattered.
In no time, he was parking in the underground garage of a huge building I had never seen before, and again I was dragged out of the car and into an elevator so quickly it barely had time to register in my mind. Edward inserted a card of some sorts and pressed a button, and we were off.
When the elevator's doors opened, we were in the foyer of a huge, elegant apartment that could only be dubbed as a Bachelor Pad, and then the dragging began again. Edward finally released me when we reached an enormous bedroom decorated in all black and white.
I stood still, waiting. I had no idea what was going to happen now, and I absolutely didn't care. I had no idea what Edward was planning, if he was going to hurt me, or yell at me, or beat the shit out of me until I snapped out of it, and I still didn't care.
Edward took a few steps away from me, and then turned around to face me. The look in his eyes should have made me pee my pants. It was so crazed, so overwhelmingly frightening that I should have been running and screaming for help, but I stayed still… waiting.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he held it in for what seemed like an eternity, and then let it out slowly. When he opened his eyes, he was a little calmer, but still distraught.
"You know…" His tone of voice was bored, like he wanted to be anywhere but here, and I didn't blame him. "The old Bella, the Bella I knew, My Bella would have killed me for touching her like that. She would have scratched my eyes out and hung me by my balls. But this isn't Bella, this is a shell of a person who was too weak to just FUCKING DEAL WITH IT." He screamed the last part so loudly, I could have swore the walls vibrated. "For three months, three fucking months Isabella, you've been making every single person in my family miserable. For three months I've been losing sleep over you, for three months I've been waiting for the girl I knew to just… come back. But you won't, you'll happily stay locked in your head while we worry our freaking brains out over you. You won't eat, you won't speak, you won't interact with anyone or do anything, and I'm not going to let this go on any longer. You're making yourself sick, you're killing yourself slowly right in front of my eyes and this is it, this is where this shit ends. I'm not letting you fade away. You either snap the fuck out of it, or I'm going to make you snap out of it." He seethed.
I have never seen Edward this angry, even while confronting his witch of a grandmother; he was never his upset or angry.
I heard what he said, I heard every word, but I didn't want to respond, I didn't want to "snap out of it". I didn't want to go back to a life where I made everyone miserable and I was never good enough. I didn't want to go back to a life where I abandoned my dream. I wanted insanity to take me over and pull me under and just burry me. I didn't want this life anymore…
But Edward wouldn't relent. By not moving or speaking or even blinking I made him all the more angry, I made him crazier and more frustrated and fed up.
He charged towards me and grabbed me so tightly; it felt like a jolt to my system. And then he shook me… he shook me and started yelling again.
"Why can't you see? Why can't you just fucking see? You have a whole bunch of people dying to love you, dying to make you a part of their family, and what do you do? You spit in all their faces. Why can't you see that what you're doing to yourself is going to kill you? That it's going to kill me too? Wake up Bella! Wake up and take a look around! The world isn't the monster you're making it out to be. Wake the hell up!" He screamed and shook me and screamed again, but I wasn't ready to do anything yet, I wasn't ready to do anything at all.
He looked at me and just searched my eyes, and I could practically hear him begging me to really look at him. "You're not going to do anything, are you?" He asked disappointingly.
I saw the look in his eyes darken, and his attitude shift. I saw his arrogant little smirk and the squaring of his shoulders. I saw his hand reach for the hem of my blouse and I saw his tongue that peaked out to wet his lips. "I can do whatever I want right now, and you won't do anything about it." He smirked "And trust me, I want to do a whole lot of things to you right now." He winked and started lifting my shirt.
I looked at his hand, creeping closer and closer to my bra until he lifted my chin with his hand and looked at my lips hungrily. "I've been dying to taste these lips again for some time now." He murmured huskily as he started closing the distance between our lips.
I could have pushed him away, I could have screamed bloody murder and slapped him, but I didn't. I didn't want to; I wanted to feel his lips on mine, I wanted to see if it could distract me from my anguish. I wanted to find out if Edward can be my anchor to sanity.
When his lips reached mine, everything around me became kind of numb. I couldn't feel anything but the feel of his soft lips against mine, and it was so different from the first time he kissed me. This time I knew he was going to, this time I kind of wanted him to, and this time it felt absolutely amazing.
Pins and needles crawled all over my body, and my lips tingled. But I didn't kiss him back, I couldn't. It was such a blissful feeling being distracted from my burden that I kept absolutely still and just enjoyed the feeling while it lasted. Edward wouldn't kiss me for long, he said it himself that I wasn't his type. He wouldn't be able to make himself kiss me or be intimate with me, even if it was for the noble cause of snapping me out of it.
He backed away for a second and looked at me worriedly. When he got no reaction out of me, he arched an eyebrow, barked a tiny laugh and backed further away. "Wow." He said. "That felt… Fuck that felt amazing." He spoke as though it surprised him that kissing me could be enjoyable. "I won't be satisfied with just that though… Since you are so compliant, I might as well do something memorable." He reached for my shirt again and practically ripped it off, surprising the hell out of me. Inwardly I was screaming, I didn't want him to see me shirtless, but on the outside I was still a statue; I didn't even bring my arms up to cover my breasts.
Edward circled his hands around my waist and pulled me toward him. He reached for my jeans as he attacked my lips again. This time, his kiss was more forceful, this time it wasn't a gentle peck on the lips, it was a punishing kiss and I enjoy the punishment. I felt his hand on my thigh and took notice that it wasn't covered. I was in a black bra and panties with my pants pooled around my converse covered feet and had no idea when Edward unbuttoned my pants and yanked them down. Edward then broke his one-sided kiss and crouched in front of me. He unlaced my shoes and took them off one by one as I stumbled a bit until he steadied me, then he took off my pants. He stood back up and just looked at me, and I felt like crying. I wanted to cover myself up, but that would mean I was giving him what he wanted by snapping out of it. That would mean I'd have to feel the horrible feelings I've dealt with that night, that would mean getting back to real life, and I didn't want that at all. So I let him snake his hand under my leg and hitch it to his waist. I let him pick me up and walk us towards the wall, I let him put my other leg around his waist and steady me against the wall while his lips attacked mine again. I let him touch my breast and palm my ass and I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to scream, because he felt amazing. I didn't want him to stop; I wanted him to stay right here, doing exactly what he was doing. For the first time in my life, I actually longed for the physical contact he was giving me.
I clenched my eyes shut and just felt him.
I felt him move us away from the wall, I felt him snake his hand into my hair as if steadying my head, and then I felt him slam us into the wall again. He repeated the act three more times before he broke away and yelled: "React!"
"React, Isabella! Do something!" He screamed at me, holding me tighter. "My Bella would have killed me by now. Look at me; look at what I'm doing. You are in your bra and panties, I have you against a wall, and I'm going to fuck you right here, right now if you don't react and push me away." He shook me, staring into my eyes. I could feel the desperation rolling off of him in waves.
I stayed in the same position, begging my body to comply. I wanted to hug him, and wanted to tell him that it's going to be okay, I wanted to comfort him, because by now Edward has tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Please baby, please do something. Snap out of it Bella please." He begged. "Please baby, just look at me, look at me and you'll see that I'm dying for you to come back to me."
Something in my stomach coiled and I felt fire take over me. It started in my belly and spread to my chest, to my arms and legs and face. I felt every cell of me burst in flames and then all I felt was pain.
I screamed, and Edward stilled. He looked at me with sock written all over his face, and then all I saw was devastation. He put me down and backed away quickly, shaking his head from left to right and covering his face with his hands.
"What have I done? What in God's name have I done?" He mumbled. "I'm sorry Bella, I'm so sorry baby. I swear I won't touch you anymore. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Angel."
But I didn't want his apologies. I wanted him to just hold me again. I wanted his kisses, I wanted the distraction, and I wanted him to do anything and everything he wanted with me so I could feel good again.
"No, no no no" I hiccupped. "Edward." I sobbed as I sank to the floor.
"I know baby, I know. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have touched you like that, I shouldn't have kissed you. I know baby, I'm sorry." He replied, sitting on the floor across from me, but still keeping his distance. His hands were hesitating, as if he wanted to just reach for me and pull me to him, but his conscience wouldn't let him.
"Come back. Come back." I pleaded. I just wanted him to save me from the hell boiling inside of me; I wanted him to ease the pain.
"What?" He asked, his eyes swimming with questions.
"Come back." I said more clearly. "Hold… Hold me again."
He quickly scrambled to get to me, in a flash I was on his lap with his arms tightly wrapped around me. He hugged me tightly and squeezed, and I felt the pain ebb a little.
"Shhh, shhh Bella. It's going to be okay, I promise." He whispered. And for the first time in months, I looked at the beautiful man with the dark circles under his eyes. I saw in his eyes the pain and anguish he's been through these past few months with me. So with teary eyes and a shaking body, I looked him straight in the eyes and asked him to kiss me.
"Bella, what are you… What are you doing?" He asked. "Since when would you allow me to kiss you?"
"Please. I know… I know I'm gross Edward. I know I'm not your type and that you couldn't give a fuck about me, but please just kiss me, make me forget." I begged.
"Gross? Are you out of your mind? Why would I…? Baby you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You mean a lot to me Bella. You mean a lot." He replied, and then I felt his lips on mine again and it was like a balm, soothing all the wounds and dulling the pain. I kissed him back this time, I kissed him with everything I had, and I heard us both whimper when we pulled away.
"Being with you… Kissing you Bella is like nothing I've ever felt before." Edward said, and he stood the both of us up and led us towards the bed…
It was the first time ever that I wanted something so badly, I felt consumed by the pull.
AN: Ummm…. So there it is folks.
Lemon next chapter? Who knows…
But I do know one thing… Chapter 17 is going to be up sooner than you think (wink wink.)
Thank you so much for reading, and please take the time to review and tell me what you think