You're like my first bad habit
I can't live without it
I can't give you up, give you up
And even though you're trouble
I come back for double
I can't say enough is enough
I'm a part of you, you're a part of me
And I know it's wrong but I can't get free
You're like my first bad habit
How am I gonna give you up?
I look both ways of the hallway before I go into the closet. A few moments ago I was in my pre-calculus class and then I got a text message. I would've ignored it if I was the old Ally Dawson. Because the old me would never, in her too innocent, gullible mind, let anything interrupt her from her studies and much less, leave class to go to the "nurse's office." If I was the old me, I would've continued listening to what the teacher was saying; I might have still ignored it if it was from Trish, but it wasn't. It was from him. It was from the same person that I couldn't say no to because he runs through my mind 24/7. So now I'm in this dark closet waiting for him to show up, terrified if a teacher catches me, while hoping that this time he might tell me the words that I've been dying to hear. To hear him say that he actually cares for me.
I don't know why I came. And much less, I don't know why I'm still here. Right now, the only thing that I do know is that there's a lot of I shouldn't thoughts running through my mind. Like I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have said yes, I shouldn't have kissed him, I shouldn't be letting him play me, and the thought that keeps screaming inside of me… is that I shouldn't let myself fall for it over and over. I know that it's wrong and that when he finally gets bored, the only one that's going to end up hurt is me. I know that he doesn't take me serious and like my friends say, I can do better.
But that's just it. That's the problem with this situation, I don't want better… I want him. I've had offers and I've been asked out, but none of them are him. None of them can do what he does to me and much less, keep me in this trance that I find myself in. My friend, Dallas, keeps telling me that he's not worth my time, that I deserve more, that I deserve respect. My best friend, Trish, tells me that he only wants one thing, and that's to get into my pants; that once he gets it I'll just be another number that he throws away and tells his buds that he has scored. But what they don't know is what he can do. The words that he tells you are enough to forget your own name. That once you've felt those lips of his, you have no choice but to stay. Because, even though he's not asking you to stay, you want to. You just can't help but feel hypnotized by his touch and you can't fight it. Because even if you know that it's not right, the lust for it is stronger. The want keeps pulling you back and when you finally think you've had enough; that you want to put an end to it. You can't.
Every girl knows that he only means trouble and everyone knows he can't take a girl serious if his life depended on it. Girls are toys to him. And he thinks that he has the right to have any toy that he wants… that he has every right to dispose of them when he gets bored. And that's exactly what I am right now; I'm his new shiny toy that he still hasn't gotten bored of. Before, I tried my hardest to stay away from him as best as I could. I didn't want anything to do with a selfish bastard as him, and much less wonder on his looks. I always questioned why girls would let themselves be played with, when they knew that he was only going to forget about them a week later. Now I find myself here, in the same situation that I had seen girls gone through. And the question that now runs through my mind is… how do I stop myself from wanting this.
"Hey," a husky voice interrupts my thoughts. I turn around and I forget everything. I forget the reasons why I shouldn't be here, I can't remember why this is wrong, and I find myself lost in his brown eyes. They're always full of mystery and you never know what to expect from them. He never allows any emotion to show and he makes this feel like I'm meeting him for the first time. I smile in delight and I go give him a hug. We stay like this for a moment and it's enough to get me thinking. How many girls did he meet here before me? How many girls is he planning on asking them to come here? I asked him once if he ever met other girls besides me. I knew that the answer whether he did or whether he didn't wouldn't change the fact that I can't say no when he asks me to meet him somewhere. I just wanted to see my chances of ever becoming something else than a relationship that's physical. Well let's just say that the innocent question that ran through my head at that moment never got asked again.
He moves his hand under my chin and he makes me look up at him. He looks me in the eyes for a split second, but in that split second he tells me he cares. That he wants me just as much as I want him, but he never lets me know for sure. He never voices it out loud. There are times when I think I imagined this because he flirts with every girl that he talks to but then… when I see him again, I look into his eyes; I know that in a strange way, he cares. The next thing that happens is a second nature to me now. The way he leans down to kiss me to the way that his hands move; I know what he's going to do. But I never get bored of it and I can't help but fall for the same moves over and over. His kisses are intoxicating. His touches make me shiver. The thought of being close to him makes me get goose bumps. And I can never think straight when he's around and it's gotten to the point that I can't think straight when he's not. He knows that he has me wrapped around his finger. And I know that if I ever wanted to, I could walk away from this relationship, if you can call it that, at any moment. He's not an addiction just yet, but for now he's my first bad habit.
He has me pinned up to the wall now and I can't help myself. I give myself to him in every kiss that I give him and I want more of him. I want to feel the sparks that he gives me every time and the feeling that, at least for this moment, I'm the only girl he wants. But I'm starting to feel broken. When I have time to think, which ends up making me stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning, I know that he's never going to grab my hand and walk me to my class like how Trish's boyfriend, Dez, does. I know that he's never going to even ask me to become his girlfriend; I don't even know if people from school know what we're doing. I'm sure he keeps this hidden from everyone. And what hurts the most is that I know he's never going to say that he feels the same way that I feel for him.
I've known for a while now that he has my heart in the palms of his hand, and he plays it to the beat. I know that he knows that I've fallen for him, and hard. He knows that whenever I bring the conversation of becoming anything serious he just has to say, if that's what you want then I should leave because that's not what I'm looking for, and I'll go running to him because I can't stand the thought of going back to the world where I didn't see him. Even if it could only be this way. We never talked when we meet and much less asked anything personal of each other's life, but those moments are the world to me. He pulls away and put his shirt back on. He gives me a wink and says, "You never fail to amaze me." He gives me one last rough kiss and just how he came, he's gone.
Now I'm back to square one, thinking how could I let this get this far and much more, how did I even end up here? I'm a nerd. I'm the girl that guys don't pay attention to because I'm always hiding behind a book or my journal. I don't go to parties and much less worry about guys and certainly, not blonde ones that have brown eyes, and play the guitar. I get this empty feeling that what I'm doing goes against my beliefs but they were forgotten a long time ago. I know that I should walk away because it's starting to affect my school work and seeing my friends. I know that this is a mistake, a miscalculated solution, but I can't live without it, I just can't give him up.
The best moments are when we're at his house and all we're doing is laying down on his couch or bed. I have my head resting on his chest and I can feel his even breaths. His arms are around me and they're holding me protectively. I remember how I first spoke to him.
"Ally and Austin," my teacher told us the last partners for the project. "What!" I yelled out loud. I got a disapproving look from my teacher and after class I asked him if there was any way that I could do the project by myself or with anyone else and he said no. That two letter word is all it took for me to be found in Austin's house with his arms around me. I walked out of the class room to find that the one and only, Austin Moon, waiting for me. "Hey there cutie," he told me. I went into defensive mode and I made it clear that if he thought I was going to turn out like all the other girls that he went after then he was wrong. That the only chemistry that was going to happen between us was going to be the molecule that we had to do our research on.
It's ironic really, how I thought that being the nerd that I am would've kept me safe from Austin, when in the end it was exactly what brought me into his arms. Everyone tells me that he's a lost case. That there's no girl he's willing to treat correctly because he doesn't have a heart to give. There are moments when I believe that and then there are moments when he actually gets interested in what I'm doing, but like always it's only for a second. It's as if he wants to show emotion but then he remembers why he doesn't. "Austin?" I ask him. "Umm um," is all that he responds. He's playing with my hair and giving soft kisses on my head. "Why do you still find me interesting? What do you find amusing from me? What's making you want to stay with me?" I ask him. The truth is that I don't know why he's still with me. We've been up at this for five months now. I have nothing to give him. I'm not popular and he wouldn't need it because he rules the school. I don't think it's because of my looks because I'm not pretty nor ugly, I'm average. I have no experience what so ever and yet I'm the one that he keeps calling to meet him in the library or the closet or to come over to his house.
I feel him get stiff and he moves me off from him. He sits up and while running his hands through his hair, in an annoyed tone he says, "Are we going to have to go through this conversation again?" A few seconds pass without either one of us saying anything. He then adds, "Ally I've told you before and I'm going to tell you again, if those things worry you then I'm not for you. I don't make you stay and if you want, you can leave. Or better yet, why don't you leave and I'll find someone else." My mind rushes through different thoughts. A side of me is telling me to leave him; that he doesn't deserve me, but another side is asking me, beckoning me to stay. Can I really live without his touch? Can I go through the rest of high school seeing him call another girl or kiss her? Can I actually go back to pretending that the things we have gone through never happened? I see him get up and he grabs my wrist. He's motioning me to go walk out the door and for a second I think that I can. I feel like I've had the last straw and I think I'm going to walk out that door and show him what he's missing. But as soon as my foot's about to cross I can't help but turn around and go running back to him. Like always he has his arms open to catch me and he has a smirk on his face. Because he knows that this will always be the same outcome. That I will always come back, asking for more.
I never know when he's going to call me. I never know when he's going to leave me. I can't tell you if he's actually interested in the girls that he flirts in front of me or if he's keeping up an act. And worst of all, I can't tell the difference when he flirts with me or tells me something like I'm beautiful, if he actually means it or if he knows that it's what I want to hear. I don't have a say in telling him when I want to see him. Sometimes I get to see him three times a week, other times weeks pass by before he calls. I look like a mess and Trish keeps begging me to leave him. Dallas want to beat him up, but the only reason why he doesn't is because every time I tell him no. That it'll hurt me if he does. They always warn me that he's nothing but trouble, and I know. I've known this before they even knew and now all that matters to me is when am I going to see him again.
My friends barely see me, and my grades are dropping. I can't seem to get sleep and when I have time to myself I spent it by the phone waiting for him to call me. I keep telling myself that I've reached my toll. That the next time I see him, I'll tell him that this needs to stop. But when the next time rolls around the corner it always ends the same. He makes me forget all the waiting and the problems that this intoxicating relationship is inflicting me. He makes it all worthwhile and when I remember what I wanted to tell him, he's already gone.
Today I'm going to spend my afternoon with Dallas. I'm going to try to forget about Austin because I'm tired of waiting for him to call. I feel weak and desperate. I now know he's become an addiction. He's the habit that I'm not going to give up on because I can't live without it. Dallas keeps telling me that I deserve better. What he doesn't know is that no one can be better than him because he's the best. He's the best in my eyes because he's the one that has my heart.
"Ok Ally let's drop this sad topic," Dallas tells me. We're both walking to my house with ice cream cones in our hands. We continue walking in silent when he tells me to look at this tree. I turn to look and I can't find anything when I feel something cold being mushed on my cheek. I whip it off to find my chocolate chip all over me. "DALLAS!" I scream. Before I can do anything he runs and I'm chasing him.
I manage to catch up but I'm so out of breath that all I can do is unevenly say, "You're… going … to pay… Dallas." All he does is grab me and spin me around but when he puts me down he gets serious. "What's wrong Dallas?" I ask worriedly. I can see him staring at one direction and I turn to see. There standing next to the tree across from my house is Austin Moon, and he's glaring at Dallas while I think he's showing hurt and betrayal towards me. "Why don't I leave Ally," Dallas tells me more than he questions. I don't want him to go and I tell him to stay but then he ask me, "So are you going to tell him to go away?" I know that he's asking me to push him out of my life and at this moment he wants me to tell him that I can't please him because I have company, but I only do the thing that I have strength for and that's to shake my head. I look up and he feels sad for me and he walks away. Now I'm left on my steps to think about what's happened.
"So what was that about?" I hear the same voice that has been haunting me since the beginning of the school year. I bring myself to turn around and like always I forget why I shouldn't be with him. "Why does it even matter?" I whisper. I feel nervous and I'm not sure what to expect. I don't know if he's like this because he's jealous or because he doesn't want competition. "What do you mean why does this matter? I see you flirting with him and how do expect me to react?" he whispers back. At that moment I feel like a part of me broke. That all the emotions that I've been holding in finally gave up and I know that I'm close to a heartbreak. I can't help but cry and I know that this is how I feel. I have a love hate relationship with Austin Moon. He knows that I'm falling apart by the things that he does and I know that I can't count on him to stop. I finally let myself fall and I would be on the ground if it isn't for Austin who is holding me. I feel him picking me up and whispering hush to me in a sweet soft tone. He opens the door and carries me to my room.
He slowly sits down on my bed and he's just holding me. I'm crying and I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. It's never easy to see Austin. Because you never know what mood you're going to catch him. And I know that the only one to blame is me. He keeps telling me soothing words while trying to get the hair out of my face. I want to stop but I can't and finally when he starts humming to me is when I manage to calm down with the occasional hitched breath. I feel myself breathing deep and I hear, "Ally will you please open your eyes and look at me?" I don't want to and I shut them tighter. "Please Ally… open them at least for one quick second." I find he's request strange because he's not the kind to show emotions. Normally he would get annoyed and leave but I find him on my bed trying to comfort me.
Slowly I open them to see a worried Austin looking back at me and sighing in relief. "God Ally you scared the crap out of me," he whispers. Now it's his turn to close his eyes and take a deep breath. "Austin I can't take this anymore. I can't do this, but I can't walk away either."
"Shhh… it's okay Ally we can talk about this at a different moment," he tries to calm me down except I need to be heard. And it has to be Austin who hears me. "No Austin, I need you to hear me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel confused and you never make yourself clear. You get jealous of Dallas and me but you flirt with every girl that walks by. You tell me that you're going to leave and that if I keep asking you can find someone else, but it's always you that calls me. Austin your games are driving me insane," I yell the last sentence. The room slowly creeps with silence and the only noise is my jagged breathing. "But most of all I hate how I can't stop myself from coming back because you're the one that I find myself wanting," I whisper quietly.
I know for a fact that this time Austin's actually going to leave. He's not going to come back and I'm going to find myself in a place where I won't know what to do or how to act. I need Austin. He doesn't mean to hurt me with his actions but it happens. It's going to be me looking for him this time and I think I'm willing to be in this cycle that we have in order to feel his touch, hear his voice, or feel his kiss at least one more time. I feel him get stiff and I'm waiting for him to pull me off and say that this time he's actually going to leave. I'm anticipating how much more seconds I have of being comfort in his arms and trying to memorize the way my head falls on his chest and the way that he smells because I'm not sure how long it'll be until I see him again.
"The reason why I act like that Ally, is because I'm a selfish bastard. I know that what I do hurts you but I can't stop myself. I'm too selfish to control my wants to see you, to kiss you. I shouldn't have gone after you like how I did with the other girls, and much less after we started played with your mind. I'm sorry I couldn't help myself," he finishes. I don't know how to react. I was ready to throw myself at him, promising to not let this happen again and he does something I never thought that would happen. He admits his faults. It gets quiets again, and I feel him playing with my hair and giving me kisses on my head. I don't know what to do once again. I feel like my hearts about to explode and I can't find the words to say. I feel a hand grab my chin to slowly pull me up. This time I find myself wanting to not look into his eyes because I'm scared of what I'd find.
Like always I can tell that he cares but this time he doesn't hide it. He's not looking away and this is scaring me. "Ally I," he sighs. Something tells me that I'm going to hear the words that I have desperately, been wanting to hear since the beginning. "I love you," he finishes his sentence. And for the first time, since we started this fling, he doesn't kiss me rough, rushed or full of want. He gives me a sweet gentle kiss that I know has meaning behind it because I could feel him pour himself out for the first time. And like always I let him know that I'm there. My fear has become a realization. When I didn't know what he felt, I still had the possibility of escaping one day. But now… Both of us are doomed in this relationship that we've created. I can't help but love him in every possible way for him and know that he isn't going to respond, while he lets his fear dominate his feelings of ever becoming something more. We are meant to be in this destructive relationship. When he pulls back we both have our foreheads leaning against each other and then he says something that gives me hope. "Please be patient with me," he whispers softly. Maybe Austin Moon might not be a lost case… because I just found out that he does have a heart to give.
A/N:I feel so sad for the ending. I felt bad writing Austin like this but I got inspired by a song called first bad habit by vanessa hudgens. I was cleaning and i got to my childhood times :) And this story was the outcome. What do you guys think? It's my first one shot so i'm not sure what to think. I wanted a happy ending and i think this is the closest thing i could write it to. I like how it came out. how about you? For those reading my other stories i'll upload later and I'm sorry but i just had to write this out. Well please review and i hope you enjoyed it. Have a wonderful day! :)