A/N: Writer's block. I'm currently working on a big project, which is taking awhile. This story is based on a conversation I had with my fandom-ignorant friend, who kept referring to fanfic as 'fanfix' instead of 'fanfics'. Unbeta-ed. Any errors are mine. Constructive criticism appreciated.

Mission report: Dr Rodney McKay, Head of Science and Research Dept. Atlantis.

Please take some time to recall the events of the mission and record them in less than 1000 words:

P3X-999 was nothing like the pictures, for starters, all the villages were either destroyed or abandoned, and so far, we hadn't seen a single living soul. No people or animals. Teyla had promised a flourishing pre-industrial society for us to trade with.

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, this group of about 10 or so decent looking women approached us. Teyla, of course, introduced herself first. The girls paid her no attention and headed straight for Sheppard.

"I'm Dr Rodney McKay," I offered weakly.

One of the females glanced at me briefly, before making some affectionate sound towards John, who mouthed "Help me," in a very desperate way. He then proceeded to explain to the women who we are and why we came. Another one said "Our village was attacked and all the men were taken by the Wraith."

Eager to get some action, I replied "We could take you with us, back to Atlantis."

No one said anything until John suggested "Hey! Why don't you all come back to Atlantis with us!" All of the girls giggled and screamed with glee. I was not amused.

So they came back with us. Suffice it to say, Elizabeth was not impressed either. I always suspected there was something going on between her and John. Anyway, they all basically attached themselves to Sheppard and refused to answer any questions unless he asked them. This went on for two or three hours, that I know of. Zelenka called for me to help him with some minor problem with one of the naquadah generators. No big deal.

Later, I went to go see if Sheppard wanted to race cars on the East Pier again (don't ask) because I totally cleaned up last time. I radioed him and got no reply. Thinking something was wrong, I dashed up to his quarters and overrode the door. The sight I saw when that door opened was scary and I wish I could erase it from my memory altogether. I'm probably even going to have nightmares now. There was John Sheppard, sitting at the desk, in front of him, on the desk, was a big stack of photographs of him without a shirt. The photos were being held by one of the women. Another was sitting on the opposite side of the desk, holding a cup full of sharpies. The rest were either lined up, waiting for him to sign them a photo, or in the corner, oogling over their copies or feeling his bedsheets. It was creepy, okay.

So John looked up at me with this totally pleading, pathetic look on his face.

"Nice picture." I commented casually.

"Thanks," He replied "She took it." He pointed at the woman holding the sharpies.

"Oh god. Well, I'll see you later. Have. Fun." I turned and started to leave, but he called "Wait! Don't leave me alone with them!" It was so pathetic, I couldn't abandon the poor guy. So, I took a seat on the bed and watched John sign autograph after autograph. The females kept staring daggers at me. Eventually, I got really uncomfortable, and a little bit afraid for my life. I wanted to leave, but every now and then, Sheppard would check to make sure I was still there.

Finally, I decided to end it. I stood up on the bed and cleared my throat loudly, to get everyone's attention. When the room quieted down, I announced

"Hey ladies! You should go to the mess hall. There's a really... uhm...hot guy in there. He can't wait to meet you!"

The girls seemed convinced that John was the only man they could ever love, so I said

"And, he's John's twin brother. But waaay more attractive!" That got their attention, and in less than a minute, the room was free of women. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Sheppard was being all emotional and pathetically thanking me for my heroic deed. Before being completely engulfed in a grateful bear hug from John, I managed to say "You're welcome."

I would hate to be that unlucky guy in the mess hall...

Was any contact made with local peoples? Unfortunately, yes.

What was your general opinion of this mission? Rubbish.

What is one thing you have learned from this mission? What? Umm...never go to P3X-999? I don't know. Who comes up with this stuff anyway? ELIZABETH!