One day, as Daria left Lawndale High, a chill ran down her spine. She looked all around to see if anything was amiss, but there was nothing except the usual - her fellow classmates, filtering out of the building in order to head to their cars, walk home, or otherwise take the bus. She noticed a van she hadn't seen in the parking lot before, parked at the far end of the lot, beyond the staff and student parking, but Daria shrugged it off, pegging it up to being owned by a parent who was picking their child up that day. She asked Jane about it, but Jane had no idea who the van belonged to. It certainly wasn't the Tank - the van was a tan color, not black and dinged all to hell. As she walked out of sight of the high school, she took one look back and saw that the van was still parked, even though (as far as she knew) all the other students had left.

The next day, the van was parked across the street from the Pizza King, where Daria and Jane had their usual post-school pizza. This bothered Daria; Jane could tell something was wrong, but Daria refused to answer, and so Jane let it drop.

She was out shopping with her father the day after that. (Her mother had bribed her into going, so that she could intercept any of Jake's wilder purchases that he declared would 'taste good' in his 'food'). While following along beside him, she saw the van parked (again) near the far end of the parking lot. She noticed for the first time the van's tinted windows, and wanted very badly at that moment for the windows to not be tinted, so that she could see into the van and find out who - if anybody at all - was inside.

The fourth day, upon leaving school again (alone this time - Jane had to serve some detention), she did a sweep of the entire parking lot, and to her relief, the van was nowhere in sight.

Halfway home, though, she heard the rumbling of an internal combustion engine. She surreptitiously fished a compact mirror out of her pocket (swiped from Quinn's stuff the night before) and used it to look behind her. The van was actually following behind her just a few hundred feet down the road, and closing.

Daria was now almost paralyzed with fear. Only instinct kept her legs moving forward, and not frozen stock-still or (worse yet) trip over themselves, causing her to fall over. She only had a few moments to decide what to do.

As the van was almost upon her, she noticed one last detail in the mirror. She could read the license plate this close, and in the reflection she saw that the van had Texas plates. Instantly, she realized exactly who was in the van.

She ran.

The van floored it after her, jumping the curb in an attempt to mow her down, but she zigged out of the way and jumped over the fence of a house into its backyard. She kept running, vaulting over the fence at the rear of the lot as the van turned the first fence into splinters.

She kept this up for a good five or six minutes, playing hide-and-seek with the van among the back yards of suburbia, but she was growing more and more exhausted, years of a sedentary life subsisting mainly on junk food catching up to her in a way that didn't involve having a heart attack at the age of forty.

She spotted her salvation scrambling over one last fence and onto a side road somewhere in Lawndale: a drainage ditch that led into a small pipe buried under the road. She threw herself down and crawled into it, never minding the dirty water.

Just in time, too, as she heard the crashing sound of the van plowing through yet another fence and screeching to a stop, less than a foot directly above her. She listened as the engine idled for one minute, then two, then three, until finally it drove off out of earshot. She waited in that pipe for twenty long minutes, wondering why she wasn't hearing any police sirens (as you would expect to hear if some madman had just driven through the fences and yards of a dozen or more peoples' houses trying to run down a teenage girl) until finally she decided to peek her head out and take a look.

She was fortunate that the driver of the van hadn't just driven off a little bit and shut his engine down for a ruse, as the coast was clear. After walking for a bit, she realized she was thoroughly lost, as she hadn't been to this part of Lawndale before. Backtracking through the wrecked fences (and scooping up her backpack, which she hadn't even realized she'd lost along the way), she made her way back to familiar territory, and then broke into a dead run towards Jane's house.

Jane was home. Thank God. "Jane, Jane, he's here, he's here from Highland, and he's out to get me, oh God Jane please call the police, please Jane -"

Jane slapped her hand over Daria's mouth, counted to three with her free hand, then released her hand. "Okay, Daria, now from the top, and try to make more sense."

Daria took a deep breath. "Jane, you have to call the police. I've been stalked the past few days by somebody from my past, back in Highland. Please, call them now."

Jane frowned, until the sound of screeching tires-on-asphalt came from outside. Daria's eyes darted towards the front door in fear, which she immediately dashed towards and locked. Jane frowned and dashed downstairs. When she came back up, Daria was mashing the buttons on Jane's phone trying to get 911, and there was a heavy thumping on the door. "Don't worry, amiga. If this bastard tries to mess with you, he'll get what's coming to him." She slapped the bat she had taken from the basement into her hand for emphasis.

Daria's eyes widened in fear. "Jane, no! You don't understand! He's -"

The thumping at the door suddenly stopped. The two of them looked towards it, then back at each other. "Maybe he'll try the back -"

With one spectacular CRACK!, the door and the frame both were violently barreled through, where they slammed to the floor hard. On top of their remains stood Daria's menace - a fucking grizzly bear. Weighing in at over 1,500 pounds and armed with sharp teeth and sharper claws, it was the apex predator of America's forests.

And it was now in Jane Lane's living room.

"HOLY JESUS FUCK," Jane screamed, dropping the bat to the floor in sheer terror.

"RUN!" Daria screamed, as she grabbed Jane's hand and made for the back door.


This can either stand alone as a ridiculous one-shot, or I could expand it into the realms of the really, really ridiculous.