a/n: warning - everything's incoherent and somewhat unclear. because i wrote this when i wasn't entirely conscious. i apologize for possible grammatical or spelling errors!

I look at you now, and my vision's suddenly fogged.

I guess you're no longer really the nine year old trailing after me, with your frizzy long hair trailing down your shoulders in rivers, pale eyes glancing at the ground ever too often. You've changed, Lily, because I was the cold waves surrounding you and choking you. And you were drowning - but you found air, I suppose, and you breathed. And now you've decided you don't want to play in the waters anymore, do you? I was horrible, Lily, I know and I'm so, so sorry. I miss you but I guess I'm being selfish once again.

I see you're with Malfoy now. I hope he's nice to you. I hope he treats you better than anyone ever could - than I ever could. I wish I could be more selfless and say I was happy for you, but really, more than anything I wish you were here with me, Lily.

You know, it's funny. This is how most people see us - you as the desperate little girl, pining after someone out of your bounds. In their eyes you were the ignorant one, but that's not true, is it? They you shedding silly tears over someone who was never yours, but they don't see me broken down and lost like this. They don't see me jealous of Malfoy, wishing that I were him, or wishing we'd go back to the days where it was just you and me and nobody else. They don't see how much of a fool I think I am for leaving you like that.

What am I doing, exactly? What am I thinking, lying awake on my bed at three in the morning thinking about the way you don't reply to my letters anymore, the way your hands clung to my arms when you told me to stay, your insane squeals of laughter, everything about you, about us? I don't know. I don't have answers, for once.

Look at me, I'm rambling again.

I don't know how to say this, Lily. I don't even know what more I'm asking for. You're not punching me in the face every time you see me; you're not exactly avoiding me, either. You're just so neutral about everything. How do you still genuinely laugh at the jokes I tell? How do you talk to me normally, pretend none of this happened? Why haven't your eyes grown dark and wary each time they meet mine? Why can't you at least hate me? You're just like this, showing no emotion, so lifeless - it's fucking scary, Lily, it really is. And please, Lily, stop playing with me, if that's what you're doing, because I really am sick of this. I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you - yet I don't know where to start. I wish you'd just scream at me or hex me or do whatever to make it alright, at least slightly. I wish we could start over; I wish it weren't impossible.

You know you're insane, Lily? But then again, I guess that's what I grew to love about you. You're not like anyone else. I've never seen anyone like you before. You were different, special, away from this world. You believed in the stories Aunt Luna told you, believed in her magical creatures. You were somewhat self absorbed; you rarely played with the other girls, you didn't care for clothes or obsess over your looks. You were unexpected. If you could hear me now you'd probably say I'm being dramatic and I'm exaggerating, but in fact you'd silently agree. But I love every bit of you, your randomness, your strange logic, your love for anything out of the blue.

And so one day - night - you turned up on my doorstep drunk, and I was surprised, because you were barely seventeen. You told me you didn't know for sure if you still loved me but you knew you were afraid of getting hurt once more. Your words were slurred and your voice was choking up and there were many words I couldn't make out. You cried and cried and eventually fell asleep on my sofa in tears. I was sickened by myself and hurt by the depth of the wounds I'd inflicted upon you. Your eyes were crazed and I'd never seen anything quite like it, not when you were awake and conscious.

Lily, I'm afraid. I don't know what to think. Am I supposed to believe in what you said that night? Or were you just really drunk? I so badly want to take you in my arms and promise I'll never leave you again, but I'm afraid of causing you more harm. If anything, I'm a coward. I don't trust myself enough to know that I won't hurt you again.

So you've invited Malfoy over to The Burrow for Christmas. Do you really love him, Lily? I see the way you look at him, the way your fingertips touch his arm, the way you're so casual and comfortable in his presence.

I corner you in the kitchen, when everyone else's still having their dinner. You treat me the way you'd treat an older brother - your eyes have lost their gleam, your guard's up even though it's not obvious, and fuck, Lily, are you a natural at this or what?

You say hi, somewhat catiously. I suck in a deep breath, not sure to begin, careful with my words, afraid to scare you away, out of my grasp. It turns out we have a silent conversation, and my eyes are filled with the words not spoken from my lips.

Is something the matter? you ask at last. You seem even genuinely concerened. I don't even dare say anything because you fill my head with doubt and steal away my self confidence. There's a sick pain in my chest from the way you're talking to me; it's a different tone from the one you use with Malfoy. It clearly spells out that we're just siblings and that this isn't love and I've never considered you as anything other than a godbrother.

Nothing, I say. Even though I'm dying to say I love you, I've never actually spoken the words out aloud. The words are on my tongue but I stumble over them, not quite managing to get them out.

Right on cue, James walks in, still stuffing himself with Grandma Molly's cooking. He grins at us, dumps his plate in the sink, and leaves. You watch him leave and then give me an awkward smile before following him out. I remain leaning against the wall for a whole minute before pouring a cup of water for myself.

It's around my third gulp that I think we were born to be screwed around with.

I'm so lost. I don't know what I'm doing. Life before this was straight lines with clear paths until your hazy streak blurred into my picture. Now I'm lost with nowhere to go.

The tables have been turned on me, and now I'm drowning.

You've told me on multiple occasions you loved me. Now I wish we were more than just family love. I want to - fuck, what is it I want? I don't know. I suppose this is more than I could've asked for but it still feels like you're missing from me. This indifference, your indifference towards me, is not at all what I'm seeking.

I'll give you time, Lily, if that's all you're asking for. Let your scars heal, if they ever do. Maybe they just fade away and reappear, though I'm not sure how that's possible. Maybe one day you'll eventually drown, maybe you'll find your own way to stay afloat. Maybe you'll find your place at the bottom of the sea, maybe you'll just run off into your Scorpius Malfoy fantasies.

It's okay. Whatever it is, I'll be waiting.

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