Author's Note: Did you all think I forgot about you? Not a chance. First let me thank everyone who had reviewed, alerted, or put this story on their favorites it means a lot to me. I'm a little apprehensive about posting this chapter. I know the journal entry is going to make some go WTF! (It made me go WTF! And I wrote it) I can promise though that if you stick with the story until the end it will make sense. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own them? I'm just playing with someone else's toys and do return them in the same shape I have found them (well that may not always be the case).
Severus felt as if he had wondered around the whole town by the time he returned. He knew he was avoiding what was to come in her journal. He knew what he had done by heart when he returned. He played it over enough in his mind while he was walking. The only thing was to see it from her point of view. But did he want to? Even if he didn't he would still read it. He would read every word.
As he had walked, the chain around his neck had ended up wrapped around his hand as he thought about that one time, and how he beat her down mentally. In his anger, he wanted to show her that though she manipulated him into marriage, he would do as he pleased. The thing was, he wasn't so sure anymore that she was the one who manipulated him. He had begun to think that she was a pawn in it, just the same as him. If he ever found that to be true, he would never be able to make it up to her, for the way he treated her.
He took the bottle of whiskey and sat with the book in his chair; he knew he was going to need it to get though this entry. He found the entry he was looking for easily, and it had been hidden before. Taking a deep breath, he started to read.
Tonight was one of the few times since we married that Severus ate supper with me. Of course, when it was finished I found out why. He commanded me to stay in my room tonight, not to come out until morning. When I heard him leave I didn't understand why he would do such a thing if he wasn't even going to be here. It didn't take more than a couple of hours to find out. I was sitting at my bed working on some research when I heard the front door open.
I heard him on the steps before I heard a giggle; a woman's giggle. A fleeting thought crossed my mind about what he was doing bringing some woman here, and the thought didn't sit well if he thought I would be a party to a threesome. I could sink to new depths for him, but that was not a line I was willing to cross, even for him.
When I heard his bedroom door open and the woman, who was obviously drunk, say something about his huge bed, I didn't want to hear anymore. I silenced my room only to have the charm drop a moment later, and when I tried again, something blocked me.
I had been privy to many things that happen in that room; Some nights I am sure he amplified the sound so I could hear him masturbate knowing that he preferred that more than coming to me, his wife. I tried not to let it bother me, but somewhere deep inside I knew no matter what I did or how I presented myself to him, he would never find me attractive or desirable.
I tried to block out the sounds, but nothing seemed to work. It was like they were being fed directly into my head. I heard him say things that I longed for him to say to me. There was no mistake as to what they were doing. There was no mistaking how much he was enjoying himself.
It really didn't matter what he did, I was still bound to have sex with him when the ring said. Now, I know my place. He told me once that I was no better than a Knockturn Alley whore. Tonight he showed me that was all I am to him.
Then, as fate is a cold-hearted bitch, my ring started tingling. I had to accept him into my bed, no matter how much I had just been hurt. I had to allow him the most intimate of touches, and try not to think of how he had just taken a woman, a stranger, the way I wanted him to take me.
He came to my room, drank the damn potion in front of me, and then did what could only be described as rutted around on top of me until he was finished. I couldn't do anything but bite my lip to keep from crying until he left. My heart hurt so much, as did my chest. I was scared that something might be wrong but didn't say anything. Maybe if I did die this nightmare of a life would be over.
I felt so degraded and dirty that I had to take a shower, once I asked if it was okay to leave my room. It didn't help at all. Maybe when all is said and done, I'll just move on and become the whore he has turned me into.
Severus held on so tightly to the rings in his hand as he read that they left deep indentions in his palm, one almost breaking the skin. He loosened his hold, shoving his hands through his hair. If he had ever wanted to have her back, this entry showed him that he would never have her with him again.
In his anger he did something so terrible to her, all in the name of showing her that he was not going to be lorded over by her. Hindsight showed him that she never once wanted to be his master, but his equal.
He had meant to cut her deeply at the time, but in the harsh light of day, he felt empty at his actions. He avoided her for months after that. He couldn't stand the pained look in her eyes.
He pulled his hands down, looking at the one that still held the rings. He stared at the tiny scars on the back of it, scars that were left when he punched the mirror. He had removed all the glass but didn't heal his hand as a reminder of the many, much deeper scars that he had left her with.
Past his hand, something caught his attention on the page. At first he thought it was just an ink splatter, then he reasoned that it looked too uniform to be a splatter. He took his wand, pointing at the spot. With a quiet 'dilato' a footnote appeared; I tried but keeping it is just too painful 3/2
He had no idea what the footnote meant but he intended to find out, although a suspicion spread over him that she had removed the memory and hidden it.
He spent the next few days reading over the journal. He found extended entries, but nothing else new of the caliber of his blatant unfaithfulness to her.
He spent the next few days adjusting to the new information he had found in the journal. He didn't dare call it accepting. He would never accept that he treated her that way. Something had to be behind it. He just couldn't put his finger on what that was.
Author's Note: Comments really do make me smile and brighten my day. I hope I didn't lose many of you with this chapter.
Dialto is Latin for Expand.
Also I wanted to let you know that I have a couple of Severus/Hermione videos on youtube, the link is in my profile.