1) Fate really didn't want us to write out this chapter.
2) This chapter is shorter than USUD standard because we really wanted to get it posted already.
3) All reviewers of this chapter get five author bodyguards with weapons they quite frankly don't know how to use.

That is all.

Chapter 3- Authors Obtained: Weapons!

"This thing seems endless," muttered Mystic as they walked up MORE path. "I mean there's road, and then more road, and more road, and it just keeps going on and on and on and on and just... ROAD. EVERYWHERE. SO MUCH GODDAMN ROAD."

Desi, meanwhile, was just humming the music that played in the Cave of Nagi, as per usual for basically every situation that came up.

Be prepared for this to be a running gag of some sort.

Bacon, in the meantime, was more concerned with the little parting gift that the river of stars had left with him.

"What's with all this stupid sparkling?!" he complained, growing progressively louder. "GAH, it's just like glitter! I hate glitter! It's the bane of my existence, I swear! That stuff never comes off of me!"

Senom shuddered and began to pull her arms through her jacket sleeves the proper way. "I think I'm having an allergic reaction."

Mikey paused.

"...Brace yourselves," she muttered, realizing her warning in the previous chapter would likely not stop the reviewers from mentioning anything. "The Twilight jokes are coming."

"Well, at least my hair's shiny, for once," Mystic commented. "Usually it's just greasy as heck. Now it's all shiny and flowy." She paused. "... Like Waka's!" she grinned, dissolving into a fit of giggles a few seconds later.

"Butbutbutbutbutbut your hair is so soft..." Mikey flailed her hands and suddenly started petting Mystic's hair, completely forgetting that they weren't supposed to mention Waka around Issun. "Sooooooft."

"Can you stop that?!" Mystic flailed, doing an impressive Gobber voice, and hopped over closer to Bacon.

The man's only response was to lightly facepalm and drag his hand down his face, thinking all the while, "Why am I putting UP with this?"

"...You doin' okay over there, buddy?" Mikey prodded Bacon. "You look like we're draining all your energy out of you. ...Oh wait, we probably are." She shrugged and put her hands on her hips, tilting her head at Bacon. "Never mind."

"Isn't there, like, some sort of monster or creature or whatever from ancient mythology that drains all your energy?" Mystic asked. "... Something like that? I'm pretty sure I read about it somewhere."

Of course, no one answered her.

Also, the shrug that Mikey gave just a minute ago somehow caused Issun to topple off of Mikey's shoulder and fall into the grass. "...Don't do that anymore," he complained, pushing himself up.

"Thennnn hitch a ride with Bacon, you're gonna need to become friends before this trip's over," Mikey said firmly, clearly not willing to take any more of Issun's babbling right next to her ear.

"HAH! You wish!" Bacon yelled from further up the path.

"YEAH, LIKE I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH A PORK CHOP!" Issun shouted back, hopping to his feet.

"You had better or both of you will suffer my..." Mikey pretended to suddenly have a dramatically horrible change in mood by darkening her expression. "...wrath."

And then Mikey walked away as if nothing had happened, leaving Issun to bounce after them as quickly as he could.

"Issun just wants the V," Mystic muttered, still walking beside Bacon for whatever reason.

"Hey, guys," Desi piped up. "Do you think people will be able to see our ears and tails? Or will they be invisible like Ammy's markings would normally be?"

Senom shrugged. "I'unno, I'm not the one with a tail. … Probably the latter, though..."

"Yeah, I would think it'd be pretty inconvenient when four mutants just stroll through Nippon like nothing's wrong," Bacon commented, throwing a quick glance back at his tail. "...Minus one normal looking person with a brush."

A goofy grin suddenly crossed Desi's face. "Teenage mutant hero wolves/humans/things~ Teenage mutant hero wolves/humans/things~ Teenage mutant hero wolves/humans/things~ Heroes with ears and tails~ Wolfeh power~"

"NO." Bacon bellowed back at her.

"Desi, there are so many problems with that. Please no." Mikey buried her face in her hands. More than likely, she was hiding her face because it was beginning to burn at the very comparison of an Okami SI to... ...to some turtles. Who also happened to be teenagers, and ninjas, and turtles. Did I mention turtles? And teenagers? Oh, and I've forgotten mutant. That too.

"Why do I keep re-relating myself to you?!" Senom moaned irritably.

At the generally negative responses from her friends, Desi just stuck her hands in her pockets and glued her gaze to the ground, glaring at whoever was closest to her every few seconds.

Throughout all of this, Mystic was smacking the side of her head in an attempt to dull the growing headache.

As if on cue, the youngest member of the party instantly slid over to Mystic and grinned cheerily. "Advil? It's the every pain reliever~! … oh, wait, we're in ancient Japan, there's no such thing as pain pills yet..."

"I don't even like Advil..." Mystic mumbled. "I prefer Motrin."

"Best you can hope for is some tea, I think," Bacon muttered.

"New nickname for Bacon: Sensei Wu." Desi announced proudly, all former moodiness now put aside, wagging her tail while sending a smirk in aforementioned person's direction.

"Desiiiiiiii." Senom complained. "Noooooooooooooooooo. Don't invoke the wrath of our new next-door neighborly country."

Mystic sped up so she was AWAY from the party yet still on the path.

"Wait," Desi put a hand on her chin in thought. "Didn't we already say that Nippon was supposed to be Ninjago, just a few decades earlier or something?"

"That was my theory," Mystic called back.

Issun was taking all of this in with a very blank look on his face as if he was confused but was deciding not to question it for fear of becoming even more confused.

"Guys, let's get back on track. I think I see some kind of cave up ahead..." Bacon spoke up.

"Some kind of cave?" Desi deadpanned. "Uh, Bacon, we've-"

She stopped herself mid-sentence, suddenly remembering the existence of Issun and his suspicions. "...Disregard that last sentence."

Mikey facepalmed yet again, getting the feeling a lot of facepalming would be had on this adventure. "...Can do."

Issun, thankfully, was too preoccupied with stalking Mystic because. ...Do you need another reason aside from that? It's Issun.

Mystic, meanwhile, was currently listening to her echo in said cave. "Woah, this place is huge!" she called, giggling as she heard her own voice repeat several times. "Cool!" She chirped, repeatedly yelling out "COOL!" and listening to her own echo, all the while referencing The Incredibles. Because why not.

Senom's eyes suddenly lit up and she clasped her hands together, an expression of purest awesome crossing her face.

"The reverb in here is amazing..." She gasped, starstruck. "It's beautiful..."

Bacon whistled appreciatively, taking in the sights as the group continued to move forwards, deeper into the mysterious geological formation.

"...I've never been in a cave before..." Mikey admitted as she entered the cave alongside her companions. "But I kinda get the feeling this isn't your usual cave, huh?"

"You guyyyysss! Can't you hear it~?" Senom spun around and giggled. "Can't you hear that echo effect? It's gorgeous! The reverb's like a dream come true!"

"Does no one else see the huge-ass statue right there?" Mystic asked.

"I do!" Issun declared. ...Of course, no one really heard him.


"If we do, then we just don't care," Desi responded with a shrug as she walked a little bit past her sister. "After all, we're the Great RP of Doom group! Forget logic and plot- I mean, uhhh...ignore what I just said."

"I thought we were just the Doom group," Mikey mumbled, tilting her head slightly.

"Moving on," Mystic muttered. "...were those chests there before? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they weren't." She pointed to the row of chests sitting at the base of the giant statue.

"They've been there," Issun pointed out. "...But hey, treasure!" He eagerly bounced over to take a closer look at them.

"...We're inside some interdimensional pocket of space, and all you can think about is treasure?" Bacon said.

Mystic gave Bacon a look that said "It's Issun, what do you expect?" before sliding down the sloped cliff of sorts and over to the chest on the far left, shoving the lid off of it once she reached it.

As if on cue, Issun complained to Bacon, "What do you want me to think about?"

"Don't answer that question, Bacon," Mikey said abruptly. "Don't answer it. It's a trap."

Bacon had a sudden mental image of Admiral Ackbar, but kept his mouth shut.

Meanwhile, Mystic was staring blankly at the tiger claws lying at the bottom of the chest. "... What is this I don't even."

Desi opened up the treasure chest nearest to her, her eyes widening two seconds before she let out a squee not unlike a rabid fangirl's and practically lunged for the weapon inside. "Bow and arrows! Yessss!" She couldn't resist the temptation to spin around on one foot, lift up the new item in one hand, grinning like an idiot, and sing the classic "Danananaaa~" jingle from about every Zelda game ever.

Issun bounced onto the edge of Desi's the open treasure chest eagerly, then drooped in undisguised disappointment as he watched her hold up her new weapon. "...that's all?"

Senom was busying herself with kicking open a chest and blinking.

"... Why is there a mechanical pencil in this thing?"

"Beats me, but- OH HELL YES!" Bacon suddenly yelled, after opening his up and spotting the massive two-handed sword lying innocuously inside it, looking suspiciously like a european claymore, but not complaining in the slightest despite the fact they were technically in Japan. Because who cared, right? "DIBS! So many dibs!"

Senom took the mechanical pencil and clicked the eraser end. Instantly it shifted into a scythe. "... I changed my mind, this is the best thing I've ever seen. Let's just not question it."

And Mikey awkwardly tiptoed toward the last chest- it was a large one, but they all were- and opened it up. Her mouth fell open slightly as she stared inside of it. "...This thing is... amazing..." She reached in and pulled out the enormous, cruel-looking chainsaw and held it up. "...how am I holding this?! ...Whatever, not gonna complain. LOOK, YOU GUYS. I'VE GOT A CHAINSAW."

"...and if we find a hockey mask lying around here, I'm rage-quitting life..." Bacon muttered in response, before looking back to his own weapon, which he was attempting to pick up and balance on his shoulder with a great deal of effort.

"I never saw that movie," Mikey commented as she examined her chainsaw.

"This is so cool," Mystic grinned, having put on the tiger claws and was now swinging them around experimentally.

"So I guess all that was here was some weapons for you guys, huh?" Issun queried from atop one of the treasure chests. "I wonder if the gods put these here. That'd be kinda weird..."

"Who knows." Mystic shrugged.

"The OCs are far from godly," Mikey muttered under her breath.

"Technically, isn't- I mean, shutting up now." Desi had to stop herself for about the tenth time in the past twenty minutes.

"That'd make sense. Li probably thinks I'll kill myself with this thing." Senom leaned the scythe against her shoulders as she answered Issun and Mikey. "... which I probably will, but hey. Free scythe. I'm not complaining."

"Wait, did the OCs give this to us as some sort of sick joke, or are we really getting helped out by the other Brush Gods?" Bacon thought to himself as he continued examining his sword.

"I'm more afraid of Mikey accidentally murdering us all with her chainsaw..." Desi trailed, taking a couple steps away from aforementioned team member.

"Desi," Mikey said, somewhat flatly. "Desi, I'm an author. Not a murderer. I may be German, but I'm not Hitler. 'kay."

"...You're German?" Bacon asked, sounding unconvinced.

"German-Columbian mix," Mikey answered with a casual shrug. "I mostly take after the latter, though."

Senom raised her hand slowly. "... I'm a grammar Nazi, does that count for anything?"



"I don't see you puking any rainbows," Mikey retorted.

"Or breaking out in hives!" Bacon chipped in.

Mystic apparently decided it was high time to get on with the plot. "ENOUGH!" She crossed her arms. "Mikey, I believe that Nagi's statue is missing something." Hint hint.

"Huh? Oh, right," Mikey agreed, and looked up at the stone sword, tail waving as she filled in the missing piece.

"And here comes the most spammable technique in all Okami..." Bacon muttered under his breath. Senom elbowed him.

"Issun is in the vicinity," She hissed.

"You're right. The most spammable technique is actually Exorcism Slips."

Desi motorpoked her sister in an annoying manner, looking quiet concerned. "Hey sis, we're not going to waste all of our yen on Exorcism Slips, right?"

And here we have a prime example of a paranoid gamer who buys nothing but healing items. Too bad she's horribly outnumbered by the offensive item spammers.

Senom gave Desi her best poker face. "Actually, yes, we are."

Mikey snorted, rolling her eyes as she did so. "Silly Desi, you don't have to worry about that. ...We'll only waste most of it on exorcism slips." And of course the headphones-wearing girl was mentally trollfacing.

The green-haired girl looked concerned, but she figured it was the best she was gonna get from these people.

"Right, because I'm TOTALLY sure that we can eat painted slips of paper for sustenance," Bacon quipped. "Yum! Nothing like a heaping helping of holy light that pierces demons!"

"I said most," Mikey said patiently, putting her hands in her pockets. "I like food too."

Mystic had to commend Tachigami for waiting while everyone else completely ignored his introduction.

...though of course it could be said that when the rest of the party finally came around they were all probably either A) embarrassed or B) surprised Tachigami was still there. Or some other third thing, maybe.

"Oh hey, it's the rat that defies all known laws of physics," Bacon remarked, looking over at the massive sword said rat was carrying.

"For goodness' sake Bacon, he's kind of a god," Mikey muttered.

Mystic smacked Bacon's shoulder. "Respect the mouse."

Said mouse god seemed to be rightfully ignoring this conversation. "Well, well, well... if it isn't the messengers of Amaterasu. As you are all doubtlessly aware, I am Tachigami, and I will do everything in my power to aid you on your quest."

Mystic was trying very hard not to squeal at his voice.

Senom poked Bacon and muttered something.

Bacon then noticed that, being the weapon of a Brush God, Tachigami's sword actually looked a great deal...well, cooler, than his own recently acquired weapon, and got some sort of crazy idea in his head that was likely born out of his withdrawals from a lack of lifegiving soda.

"Hey, uh...Tachi, right? You think it'd be cool if I, uh...y'know...borrowed that sword of yours? I mean, I just wanna look at it...just for a second."

The brush god actually looked amused. "I can do better than that, messenger. Allow me to bestow my power upon you all and wish you luck in your endeavors."

And then preeeeeeeeeetty liiiiiiiiiiiiiights I mean orb that circled around the party and went into Mystic.

And so everyone suddenly appeared back in the cave of awesome.

A cheshire cat grin slowly stretched across Mystic's face. "Oh hell to the fucking yes."

"Language, missy," Bacon cut in, waving his finger like a scolding parent.

"I'll swear if I want to." Mystic crossed her arms.

"I swear you are the reason this adventure's gonna have to go from a T rating to an M rating," Mikey mumbled to herself.

Mystic grinned unashamedly at Mikey.

Senom overheard and blinked pitifully. "But... I thought that was my job..."

"Looks like life handed you the pink slip, ol' buddy." Mikey patted Senom's shoulder sympathetically.

"... What the hell does that even mean DID SOMEONE PAINT TOBI PINK."

Mikey hissed and made another cut-throat motion at Senom. She got the hint.

"Pink slips are what you get when you're fired from a job, I'm pretty sure." Mystic answered Senom's question.

"I thought they meant ownership of a car...?" Bacon piped up.

Mystic shrugged.

"I am so confused right now," Desi announced, though two seconds later she put a hand on her chin in thought. "Actually, I'm always confused whenever conversations are happening, but whatever."

"Hold up!" Issun exclaimed, bouncing over to Mystic. "Now you have Tachigami's technique?! ...Okay, I'm not sure if I believe that. Rejuvenation's one thing, Powerslash is something else entirely."

"...Now she can cut us," Mikey whined, suddenly realizing this and backing away slowly with her arms held up in front of her face.

The cheshire grin returned to Mystic's face.


"Don't give anyone ideas! I think we're all crazy enough as it is!" Bacon complained. "...I think I'm feeling a little crazy myself, actually..." he added, feeling a headache coming on from lack of soda.

And thus, Desi burst out into song. "DOES THAT MAKE ME CRAAAZEEEEH~?"

She was promptly whacked upside the head by her younger sister.

Bubbling with excitement, Mystic turned to the enormous rock off to the left and brought up her tail before making a clean stroke through the air. The rock split in two, the upper half sliding down to the floor.

Issun had gone off to stand atop an open treasure chest again, but fell backwards off of the treasure chest's edge in shock and fell inside as a result.

Mikey silently watched Mystic slice the rock, blinking. "...Alright, it's gonna be weird seeing you cut stuff in half all the time. Just be careful you don't cut any of us in half."

Mystic stuck her tongue out at Mikey playfully, before looking like she had just had a sudden thought. "... Aw man, what if I wag my tail and just cut the whole dang background?"

"I don't think it works like that," Mikey pointed out in response.

"If I end up cutting down a ton of background trees because of that, I'm going to spam you with "I told you so"s," Mystic warned.

"Try it, then," Mikey suggested, folding her arms. "Wag your tail."

"No, wait-" Bacon started, but it was too late. The teen's recently acquired tail was already moving.

There was a sudden, loud CRACK that echoed throughout the cavern. In the next moment, the stone sword had come clean off and was now falling towards the group.



Mikey's eyes widened in horror.

Desi clung to her sister's arm in panic.

Senom just blinked and muttered "... oh shit we screwed up didn't we".

Mystic's face drained of all color, and she stared at the spot where Bacon had been- now replaced with Nagi's recently repaired sword lying on the floor- for a few seconds before she clapped her hands to her mouth and let out an ear-splitting scream.