Diiiiiiiisclaimer: The characters, events, and storyline of Metal Gear Solid 2 do not belong to me, sadly enough. I only wish I were as twisted as Hideo Kojima.
Author's Note: This was written with the great help of my younger brother. Send the pocky and money on to him.
This was inspired by T.H.E.M. Reduced Anime and the various ultra-condensed books out there, and while not nearly as fun, made me giggle for a minute or two with the thought.
Metal Gear Solid 2 in Five Minutes or Less!

The tanker SINKS; the events leading up are unimportant.

The Colonel TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and then...

Raiden: I found a gun.

'Pliskin' recounts the MILITARY HISTORY of the weapon.

Raiden: There's a bomb.

Stillman: Defuse it.

Raiden: Done.

Stillman DIES.

Raiden: *angst*

Everyone and their grandmother GROPES Raiden.

Emma DIES.

Raiden: *angst*

Rosemary: I'm a lying skank.

Raiden: *angst*

Fortune: I can't die.

Ocelot: Yes, you can. Pawn!

Fortune: *angst*

Fortune DIES.

Solidus: I am your father.

Raiden: *angst*

Patriot #1: We bad?

Patriot #2: We bad.

Raiden kills Solidus.

Raiden: *angst*

Snake MORALIZES for several minutes.

Raiden: *angst and major head trauma*


Mysterious hook into the next METAL GEAR.

Contents of this document are the fault and responsibility of Kim and Chris Kondratieff.