DISCLAIMER: I, to my utter and true and a little bit vomit-inducing dismay, do not in any way, shape, or form own any of the titles, characters, or backgrounds associated with Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel, as these belong to the brilliant god we know as Joss Whedon. Oh, yeah, and Mutant Enemy Productions. Grr Arrg.

The cover image of this story was made by me, drawn by me, designed by me, and is mine. I hope I've made that clear.


How to Slay Vampires by Buffy Summers
by TheMuffinSlayer

Chapter 1: Introduction

How to Slay Vampires
by Buffy Summers
9/21/99

You want to slay vampires, right? Then you've come to the right place...or picked up the right piece of writing...or hacked the right computer because I'm not ever printing this out...or whatever. Anyway, I'm, like, vamp-slaying professional, 'cause I, y'know, am a vampire slayer, so, I can pretty much let you know all you need to. About slaying vampires, I mean. Not a whole lot else. Maybe hair. Not so good at the studyage, though. Me an' algebra are a little less comfy, so you might wanna take those questions to my friend, Willow. Much better in the academic department. But, y'know, vampire slaying is a way more important skill. You can't expect a vampire to turn into dust by figuring out the value of X.

This guide will inform you, step by step, of the fundamental (not exactly sure what that means, but I heard Giles say it once in a similar sentence so…) skills you need and help you ascertain (that's another Giles-word) the knowledge required in order to slay vampires and, like, not die.

I have to make clear, though, that I am, like, so not encouraging that you slay vampires. I'm just…telling you how you would do it should a reason to arise. So, if you wake up tomorrow with two itty-bitty holes in your neck, super strength, the urge to drink blood, inability to touch the sunlight, and eternal youth, I am not responsible in any way.