Title: Fascination of the Darkest Kind
Word Count: 2 200
Character: Lily Luna Potter
Warnings: Obsession, somewhat unhealthy family dynamics, masturbation
Summary: Lily Luna has heard mention of Bellatrix Lestrange, and now she can't stop thinking about her.
Author's Notes: Written for the prompt Lily Luna Potter and (the memory of) Bellatrix Lestrange - "It's not cool to like her. It's not edgy or interesting or funny. It's not the sort of thing you should do just to get your parents' reactions. It's serious." Lily has been reading about the war, and she appreciates Bellatrix a lot more than her family and friends think she should. on nextgendarkfest on LiveJournal, a dark!fic fest centering on next-gen characters. This is another story that I really want to extend into something longer and more complicated… until I do so, enjoy!
Lily spent most of her time at Hogwarts in the library. Not because she was studious – far from it – but because Albus and James would never be caught dead there, so as long as she was there, she would be left alone. At one time, the Slytherin common room had been a safe haven from her brothers, but then someone had gone and told them the password and robbed Lily of that personal space.
So she wandered around the library on the last day of term, looking for a book to entertain her for a few hours before she had to go back to the common room. Pity that she had already read nearly every book that interested her.
Lily paused in front of the section on recent Wizarding history and stared listlessly at the shelf full of books on the second Wizarding war. Her father was mentioned in nearly all of them, and she, Lily, privately hoped that her name was buried in them too.
She reached up and pulled 1995 to 1998 – The Years of Terror off the shelf and turned to the index. She ran a finger down the page, checking the list of names. Potter, Harry. Potter, James. Potter, Lily – Lily's heart leapt excitedly – Evans.
Lily scowled, then flipped a few pages back, hoping vaguely that she might be listed under L for Lily, even though she knew perfectly well that that wasn't how indexes worked. She glanced down the page, but the index skipped straight from Lestrange, Rodolphus to Lovegood, Luna with no mention of any Lily Luna Potter.
She stared vaguely at the page. Something was bothering her, something in the very back of her mind – an idea, a thought, a half-formed memory.
She was quite sure that she could recall her father talking with Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione, and a whisper of Lestrange had passed their lips. Something-ix Lestrange.
Because there, two spots above Lestrange, Rodolphus, was Lestrange, Bellatrix.
Lestrange, Bellatrix, pg 140-143
Lily glanced around quickly, then flipped through the book to page one hundred and forty.
She was met immediately with a glossy black and white picture of a woman glaring out at her with a contemptuous sneer. Lily actually jumped a bit, and the woman's lips twitched as though she could see Lily and her disconcertion.
Lily paged past that and sank into her chair, eyes fixed upon the page.
Bellatrix Lestrange was one of the four Death Eaters who tortured Frank and Alice Longbottom after Lord Voldemort "fell" in October 1981. After spending a period of fourteen years in Azkaban Prison, Lestrange escaped in the mass breakout of 1996. Shortly thereafter, she is suspected of having murdered her cousin Sirius Black, though reliable witness testimony remains elusive.
I wouldn't mind murdering my cousins sometimes, Lily thought, a bit of a smirk twisting her face, and she immediately felt sick with herself. She had heard stories about Sirius Black from her parents – he was very nearly a fairy tale figure in their house, especially when her father was talking. He had to have been, for Harry to name his first son after him.
Lily's heart began to pound. She felt a touch dizzy – a little lightheaded, and there was a creeping sensation in the pit of her stomach. She snapped the book shut, and stood up, intending to replace it on the shelf.
At the last second, she glanced back over her shoulder, and dropped it into her school bag.
Then, her breath coming in short gasps, she darted out of the library before anyone could see her.
It seemed like an eternity – an eternity of saying goodbye to people who were almost (though not quite) Lily's friends, and smiling and pretending that she was oh, just ever so happy to be going home – before Lily finally boarded the Hogwarts Express, locked herself in a compartment, put down the blinds that covered the window in the door, and retrieved the book from her bag.
Property of Hogwarts School glared at her from the front cover, and she felt a little jolt. I stole something.
But that was not the important thing.
Lily's hands shook violently as she turned the pages, flipping past glossy pictures of her parents and their friends and all the other people that she knew were supposed to be war heroes, until she reached page 140 again.
She had half expected the picture to be gone, but Bellatrix Lestrange still glared up at her, looking as terrifyingly smug and superior as ever, and this time, Lily was able to stare for a little longer before she had to snap the book shut with her heart pounding against her rib cage.
There were people at Hogwarts who would not say Lord Voldemort's name, Lily knew. In her household, Lily, James and Albus were all but punished for saying "You-know-who" to indicate him, and his name was said as bravely as anyone's.
But now she was thinking hard, and she was positive that she had heard the name Bellatrix Lestrange whispered more than one, and always in a fearful little gasp.
Lily was breathing heavily, as heavily as if she had just run, and she felt a little ill.
There was a knock on her compartment door, and she dropped the history book in surprise.
"Just a minute!" she called, hastily shoving it back into her bag, then rushed forward and opened the door.
Dominique was leaning against the frame, a small, easy smile on her face. "You don't mind, do you?" she asked, even as she strode inside and sat down, sweeping a few spikes of her short, pale hair out of her face.
"N- No, of course not," Lily stammered. Even she was aware of how stupid she sounded, stuttering and fumbling with her own words.
"Something wrong?" asked Dominique, sitting down beside Lily and eyeing her warily.
Lily's mouth opened and closed a few times as she searched for a good response. Something was most certainly wrong – she could feel deep inside her stomach that something was wrong – but it wasn't anything that she could have explained fully to Dominique.
"I'm fine," she said at least. "Dominique…?"
"You know a lot about the second war, right?"
"Sure," said Dominique, swelling up proudly, and Lily smiled. Dominique had often proclaimed how fascinated she was by the Order of the Phoenix, and how she would have joined if she had lived then, and Lily had seen the books in her bedroom on the subject. "Did you have a question?"
"Yes…" Lily said slowly. "Not- not about the Order, though… about a Death Eater…"
"Oh." Dominique looked mildly disappointed. "Well, as long as it's not a really obscure Death Eater, I should be able to help. Who is it?"
As soon as Lily said it, Dominique's face clouded. She looked at Lily with a wary expression, a mixture of concern and fear.
"Where did you hear about her?"
"She was in a book I was reading," Lily said, deciding that it was best not to mention that she had stolen the book simply because Bellatrix Lestrange was mentioned in it. Dominique had shifted away from her very slightly, and Lily frowned, horribly confused. "Did I say something wrong?"
"Bellatrix Lestrange," Dominique repeated. "Surely you've heard of Bellatrix Lestrange."
"I know the name…"
"Lily…" Dominique dropped her voice, looking at her cousin, "Bellatrix Lestrange… she did horrible things. Really horrible things. I… I don't know if I should even tell you…"
"Yes, you should tell me!"
Dominique sighed, then raised one hand and began ticking things off on her fingers. "Neville – she tortured his parents until they ended up in St. Mungo's, permanently insane. Aunt Hermione – she tortured her too. Luna… she helped keep her locked in a basement for months. And…"
Dominique glanced around, then pushed the compartment door shut. "I… I don't know if this is true… but it's something that people say about her…"
"They say…" Dominique took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "They say that she was Lord Voldemort's mistress."
"That… that she had an affair with him… don't quote me on that, Lily, all right? No one knows for sure…"
Lily nodded slowly, and they both fell silent, but already, the idea of Bellatrix Lestrange, the woman in the book, in Lord Voldemort's arms, had taken her over. All through the journey back home, Lily was picturing them together, and the more she thought about it, the more the twisting in her stomach moved lower down…
Lily forced herself to smile at her parents when she finally got off the train. Albus had gotten to them first, and Dad was busy asking him all about his year, but Mum smiled a bit at her too. Lily kept her eyes on them only for a moment before she was gazing off into space again, thinking… thinking…
As soon as they were home, Lily flew up to her room and buried herself in the book. She didn't come down for supper, saying that she didn't feel well, and she read and re-read the section on Bellatrix Lestrange until her head was light.
There was something so terribly wrong about enjoying this so much, an almost sexual sort of thrill that made Lily quite dizzy with delight.
She laid down the book and closed her eyes, and her body trembled as she tried to imagine Bellatrix Lestrange – not easy, considering that she had only seen one picture of her, and that was just from the neck up. She tried to imagine how she might have moved, this monster who had tortured so many people, according both to Dominique and the book, how she might have looked when alone with Lord Voldemort, her lover…
Oh, now that was definitely a sexual thrill that Lily was getting.
She sank down onto her back, allowing her fingers to move slowly town her torso, one hand sliding inside her underwear.
God, she was wetter than she had ever been in her life.
How wrong is this? she wondered vaguely. How wrong is it, really, to be so turned on by someone so horrible?
She felt guilt, terrible guilt, but why should she?
It didn't matter. She could have had the best reasons in the world for feeling guilty, but that wouldn't have stopped her body from reacting this way.
Lily closed her eyes tightly, buried her fingers inside herself, and tried not to let her shame get in the way of fantasizing.
It was only when she was done that she became aware, to her horror, how desperately she had, while she was touching herself, wanted to be Bellatrix Lestrange.
When Lily came down to breakfast the next morning, she could tell immediately that something was wrong. Mum and Dad were sitting very stiffly, Albus and James turned around to give Lily a look that very clearly said You're in real trouble now, and Dominique was next to them, looking extremely nervous.
The instant Lily saw her cousin, she thought that she had a very good idea what was going to happen, but she forced herself to remain calm.
"Is something wrong, Mum? Dad?" she asked sweetly.
"Yes." Dad's voice was serious, hard, but with an edge of concern to it. "We need to talk."
Lily winced. She'd known that it was coming, but that didn't make it any less unpleasant. "What about her, Dad?"
"Dominique says that you were asking about her."
Lily shot Dominique a dirty look, and Dominique at least had the grace to look ashamed. "Well, you were."
"I was just curious," Lily said, trying not to sound too defensive. "She was mentioned in a book I was reading, and I wanted to know more about her. It's not as though you tell me about the Death Eaters, not really," she added.
"There's a reason for that." Her father sounded even graver now – painfully so, enough to make Lily actually feel a little bit afraid of him for the first time in her life. "Now listen carefully to me, Lily. Being interested in the Death Eaters… especially Bellatrix… it's not cool. It's not edgy or interesting or funny. It's not the sort of thing that you should do just to get your parents' reactions. It's serious. You understand me, don't you?"
Lily nodded solemnly, pretending that she understood now, that she was just a naieve little girl who hadn't understood what Bellatrix had done. And now she did understand and she'd never think about her again.
Lily wanted to kill and torture as Bellatrix Lestrange had. She wanted to be able to be evil, and be rewarded for it. She wanted to fight against the pretty life that her parents had fought for, fought to give her.
Lily wanted to be Bellatrix Lestrange.
And no lecture from her parents was ever going to change that.