A/N: This is what happens when two bored authors try to spend the night without having much else to do. Kudos for Tearthgrrl for cooperating with the complete utter of insanity that you are about to read. And Tearthgrrl insists I put this-Tearth did this completely because I asked.
Warning: This is no way meant to be political. If you are offended, don't read. Simple as that. It isn't our intention to offend, just to entertain.
Disclaimer: Adventure Time its owned by Pendleton Ward and Cartoon Network. Other trademarks mentioned in this fic are not of my property, nor do I make intent to make profit out of them.
Summary:When Finn and Jake are sent to find evil in a faraway kingdom, its up to them to stop the fries and hamburgers from being consumed. A complete crack-fic.
Crack Time with Finn and Jake
"Does it work?" Said a dog, looking over a phone.
"Lemme see!" Begged a boy, already half-climbing over the yellow-dog's head to get a look at the screen. A most enthusiastic boy, the dog just overlooked his horseplay and readied to push a button on the camera phone.
"Say cheese Finn!"
Rather than say "cheese", Finn pressed his palms against his cheeks whilst sticking his tongue out. Jake laughed and said "cheese!" for both of them and took a picture. Moments later the two were laughing at the image set as the new background.
"Nice one Jake!" Finn laughed, adjusting the odd hat on his head.
"So what'd PB summon you here for anyway?" Asked the dog, putting the phone away.
Finn shrugged. "Don't know man, she just said it was really serious."
"Oooh..." Jake winked.
Finn chuckled. "Knock it off, dude!" He lightly punched his adoptive brother in his furry, yellow shoulder.
"I hate to interrupt boys," spoke a feminine voice, causing Finn to stop short. Jake, instead of ignoring the blush, chuckled and elbowed his human adoptive brother in the shoulder. Finn scowled and just tried to focus on the lady who approached them. She was very tall and very...pink. Her dress, her skin, even her hair was hued in every shade of color of pink there was. Pink as oh say...
"Yes Princess Bubblegum?" Finn asked with chivalry.
"I come with grave news." The princess spoke. "I have just received word from a princess of a far off kingdom. Her land is in grave peril."
"Oh man! NOT cool." Finn bit his lip.
"What's the sitch, PB?" Jake said.
"Apparently there is this horrible red-headed monster that is slowly destroying the town."
"Slowly?" Finn's brow rose. "Well, can't the villagers just stop it then?"
"Or the kingdom's guards?" Jake added.
"The people are practically powerless to stop it. This monster this...evil, plaguing their land, its influence is so great that even the royal family is under its spell. Except for the princess; she, for some reason, was the only one able to resist the monster's enormous power. But her kingdom is in dire need of rescue. Finn, Jake, I employ you two to go to this kingdom and save it."
"YEAH!" Finn and Jake high-fived in mid-air. "YOU GOT IT PRINCESS BUBBLEGUM."
Though the princess looked happy, she also seemed somber. "But be warned, this is monster the likes of which no one has ever seen. There's no record of him-or her-or...whatever it could be, in any mythical book. There's no legends of its whereabouts. And up until recent, no eyewitness accounts either. So I must implore you two to be careful-and be prepared."
"No problem!" Finn and Jake said.
"Hey Jake, know what time it is?"
Both brothers howled, "AAAAAAADVENTURE TIME!"
*Several days later*
Finn was riding on Jake's back, and a heavily-packed satchel was riding on his. A map was enclosed between Finn's hands and a bushel of trees was nearly tickling Jake's belly. The dog giggled, causing the boy to nearly lose his balance. "Stop it, man. We gotta be vigilant."
"Right." Nodded his brother.
"So apparently this kingdom's supposed to be far, far away." Jake said.
"How far is that?"
"Far, FAR away."
"Whoa." Finn's eyes widened.
"Yeah-maybe a 3-day trip, at most. Depends on how long we stop for bathroom breaks." Just then Jake suddenly halted, right as Finn lurched forward and a large GONG! sounded throughout the forest, scattering masses of crows everywhere.
"Jake! What's wrong?"
The dog groaned. "I think I stubbed my toe." He said, lifting up his foot.
Finn hopped down.
"Finn! Wait for me!" Called his brother in alarm. The dog shrunk to normal size and stood on all-fours beside him. "You know you can't go this alone-rule of thumb, bra, ALWAYS make sure someone's got your back."
"Yo man, check this out." Pointed Finn, to a large, metallic-looking object with several unknown symbols carved into the face.
"That's the thing I stubbed my toe on."
"I think it's a message." Finn said, turning his head and looking at it up and down. "But of what?"
Jake shrugged. "I dunno, let's ask it." He joked, leaning in. "Excuse me, what are you?"
Something staticky emerged from out of nowhere. "This is—"static erupted out of nowhere, "how may I take your order?"
Finn and Jake jumped, each squealing and screaming like they never had in their lives. Finn drew his sword.
"Show yourself!" He shouted as he and Jake circled the metal object.
More static rose out. "Did you want an order of fries with that?"
"Fries?" Jake looked at Finn, who shrugged, and then looked at the weird metal thing once more.
"Uh...ok. Can we get TWO fries?"
More static. "That's two orders of fries, do you want a drink with that?"
The two exchanged another look. "Ok, what do you have?"
"We have Sprite, Coca Cola, Tropicana-"
"Whoa, this must be what all those freaky symbols on the thing mean!" Jake said.
"Yeah man, you could be right." Finn nodded. "Um...we'll just take whatever."
"That'll be 8.95." The static said.
"Oh glob man, I don't have any money." Finn muttered to Jake. "Nevermind dude," he waved to the static thing, which was silent for a moment, before uttering
"Thank you for coming to McDonald's."
"McDonald's?" Again the brothers exchanged looks.
"OH GREAT, YOU ARE HERE!" A voice cried, as both brothers whirled around, Finn drawing his sword, only to lower it at the sight of a lovely vision racing toward them. A young girl it looked, with short brown hair, a white and pearly dress, with an orange sash around the middle.
"You must be the heroes Princess Bubblegum sent!" She said.
"That's us." Finn clarified.
"At your service." Jake bowed. "You must be the Iron-willed princess."
"Indeed I am." The princess nodded, her happiness growing solemn. "Come, it is not safe to talk here."
The princess had led the two boys to the inner workings of the castle, where they finally stopped in the large and marvelous quarters that was her room.
Finn whistled. "This reminds me of PB's place, only with less candy."
The princess stood by the window and motioned for them to come over. Finn and Jake took a look out and each of their eyes grew wide.
"I know-I haven't seen so much lump since LSP's world." Jake said.
"Yes, that is the unfortunate side-effect of the monster's power." The princess stated solemnly. "You see, my kingdom used to flourish under happier times. Health Haven, we were once called-but then a dark, ominous mass overtook the city one day, enticing the citizens and even my father's most powerful armies with their temptations. Soon the whole kingdom was in horrible obesity, and not even my father has the will to stop it. Everyone just wants more milk shakes, more fries, more this and that. They don't see what they're doing to themselves!" She sobbed.
Finn but a reassuring hand around her shoulders. "Don't worry princess, me and Jake'll save your kingdom and have your subjects droppin' those lumps in no time."
"You will?" She sniveled. "Oh thank you hero!"
In no time Jake and Finn were in the heart of the kingdom, where everywhere they looked, slops of wobbling people were trying to hobble their way to wherever they needed to be. It was a grotesque sight: even children were stuffing their faces.
"Dude..." Finn said.
"I know," Jake nodded.
"Wait, the princess said the monster works by making the citizens give into temptation right?"
"...So?" Jake echoed.
"So if we make the people have a backbone against this thing, the monster's powers are completely useless!"
"Hey, yeah man! But how're ya gonna convince a whole city to stop eating at that place?"
"Trust me, I got a hero's charm." He winked. Then, in quite a very high, and irritating voice he shouted. "EVERYONE! LISTEN UP!"
A few onlookers stopped, a few looked back and forth, many just continued going on their way.
"YOU NEED TO STOP EATING MCDONALD'S!" Finn shouted. THAT got everyone's attention.
"Stop eating at McDonald's?" A very stout civilian echoed. "But they're so tasty."
"Yeah, I eat there everyday." Another spoke, getting general agreement from around her.
"You've GOTTA stop you guys!" Finn shouted, glad to have caught all their attention. "Don't you see what you're doing to yourselves?"
The citizens looked down and less-than-proud looks drew themselves upon their faces.
"Oh, but how can we stop eating there? It's all just so good."
"Yeah, like the Big-Mac's."
"And the milkshakes."
"And the onion rings and fries..." One drooled.
"No! Stop!" Finn called. "Listen! I KNOW somewhere, deep down, you guys realize this isn't right for you! Otherwise, you would have tried to stop the princess when she tried to send for help! C'mon you guys, don't-"
"SO!" A voice echoed, making all the citizens halt in fear. They would have jumped in fear, but they were too fat to do it "It was the princess who tried to stop me, eh? Well, she'll come in time, just as they all have!"
Finn drew his sword. "Where are you, villain? I'll beat you with my hat on backwards!" And just to prove his point Finn turned his hat on backwards.
"Awww yeah!" Jake shouted.
"HA! Think you can defeat me?"
And within seconds the sky had began raining down packets of crispy, salty french fries. Finn batted them all away expertly, but he began to hear some distinct chewing sounds beneath him.
"Jake?" He looked below. "JAKE!"
Jake was happily lying on his back, stuffing his face full of yummy, hot french fries, and opening his mouth wide to catch the falling ones.
"NOOOOOOO!" Finn threw his hands to the sky.
He looked down, only to look back up with a quavering fist. "You took my brother-NOW IT'S PERSONAL..."
"But he doesn't seem so unhappy, does he Finn? Look down, can't you see how much he enjoys himself?"
"NO! HE'S JUST LIKE THAT, BECAUSE YOU MADE HIM DO IT!"
"I didn't make him eat those fries." The voice insisted. "He chose to himself."
Finn looked at his feet, realization washing over him. "No...no..."
"It's not so bad Finn. C'mon man, try it." Jake urged, gaining support from the droning crowd that quickly surrounded him.
"Please, join us Finn. Join us..."
"NOOOOO!" Finn shouted, turning with disgust to face the civilians. "YOU DID THIS! YOU'RE WHO GAVE IN TO THE MONSTER'S EVIL POWERS! MCDONALD'S ISN'T WHAT'S RUINING YOUR KINGDOM-YOU ARE!"
"Yes! Now Finn, would you like a nice, cold drink?" It started raining cola from the sky, and many people, including Jake, began opening their mouths for any one drop.
"It may be too late for them..." Finn said, ignoring the brown, fizzy droplets running down his face. "BUT I'LL NEVER GIVE INTO YOUR POWERS! NEVERRRRRR!"
He raced with mighty speed towards the place where the voice had come from, and could not believe his eyes or what they beheld.
"So," the clown said, "you see the true face of McDonald's. What do you think?"
"I think it stinks like dog buns." Finn glared.
"That's the secret ingredient." The clown winked, only to jump back as his arm was severed from his body, "AGH!"
"Taste my sword, you butt!" Finn swung again and again at the hideous clown, who called upon several other figures to help him. One looked like a giant chicken, the other looked like a big purple glob, the other looked like a bandit who had a really bad dental plan. One by one he smote them all. And when it was over there was nothing but the smell of blood and hot grease to fill the air. The sky cleared, and down below all the McDonald's restaurants had vanished. The food remained however.
Finn stood up with a sigh, only to turn at the sight of something else coming at him.
"YOU DID IT HERO!" The princess shouted, hugging him with relief. "You saved the kingdom!"
Finn smiled for her sake, but looked down at the people..and his brother. The civilians, seeing there was no restaurant left, had grown desperate, even eating food off the ground and digging for it in garbage cans. He sighed. "No, the kingdom will have to save itself-if it truly wants to."
The princess nodded in understanding, still smiling. "I will help it. Thank you hero, you have my father's undying gratitude."
Finn nodded, "C'mon Jake, time to go home."
Jake groaned. "But I'm not done with my french fries..." He said with a full mouth. Finn said nothing and booted him in the tail. Jake jumped and instantly grew to the size he normally did as Finn leapt on his back. Finn kicked his sides. "Heeyah!"
The princess waved them off. "Goodbye!"
In the distance, Jake began panting even though he had only taken steps from the afflicted kingdom. "C'mon man, work those buns! It's gonna be a long ride, you'll do exercise to lose that crap you ate too!" Finn encouraged
A/N: I hope you guys have enjoyed this! I sure got tons of laughs with this one. I love this show very much...even though Tearth considers it silly. It rocks my socks, we'll see if more fics will be coming to Adventure Time in the future, review or fav! Thanks for reading!