Warnings: suicide, character death
Emma Pillsbury was just trying to snap her crackers as easily as possible without making any crumbs fall anywhere other than the paper tissue when Will had snuck up behind her to kiss her cheek. He laid his head on her shoulder as he stared down at the perfectly cut Saltine crackers in her hands. She placed them in her two-sided container, one of them already had a good amount of tuna – Will was so proud of her for packing tuna of all things, knowing it was a messy food – and the other half filled with Saltines.
"Emma, I was just thinking…" Will asked, voice so tender and loving that she almost forgot what was the question, "When can I meet your son?"
"Well," she started, eyes as wide as usual as she placed the new perfectly cut Saltines in her container, shutting it as tightly as possible with the dark pink lid.
"Um, he isn't a very nice person, Will. He goes to Dalton and he's not home much," she gestured towards the kitchen.
Will had moved in with Emma, of course, but because Dalton was a boarding school and Emma said that some of them go home in the weekends whilst others of them stayed in. Her son was one of those that stayed in. Emma's lips were tightly pressed when she looked back at her container, placing the air-tight container into her woven bag before straddling it on her shoulder. Will had decided to take out the crumbs-filled tissue paper for her. He also added water to the kettle, allowing it to boil whilst he took out the tissue paper. He'd been in Emma's house for nearly three months and hadn't once seen her son, which worried him of their relationship. He'd always wanted to be a Father but Emma kept warning him that her son wasn't quite the best to be around with.
Handling the Glee club made him feel like a Father Model, and good enough to make any male feel at home. Will went back to the counter. He added an over-exaggerated amount of sugar, ground coffee, and an ungodly amount of sweet-smelling hazelnut creamer before adding in the piping hot water. "Just give me a chance to meet him, Emma," Will said, voice so sincere that Emma nodded her head, transfixed by his eyes.
"Oh-okay," Emma said, as she looked at the concoction of sugar and fat in Will's hands. "Just…I warned you, Will."
"He can't be that bad," Will gave her a confident smile before leaning down to kiss her quickly. Emma accepted the kiss, and smiled back at him, nodding. He enjoyed how wide her eyes were most of the time. He watched her walk outside to her car to be there just a little earlier than usual. She was dressed her usual floral skirt, and sweater combination and Will simply wondered if her son had her beautiful ginger hair. He sipped the rest of his coffee, grabbing two doughnuts and headed out.
The day went by smoothly, with Emma meeting up with him and telling her that she phoned Dalton. They were done tomorrow anyway so Will can pick him up. Will was amazed since McKinley still had another two weeks before the seniors were done with school. Will's stomach was in knots, thinking about the students that were graduating this year. He took a deep breath. Maybe he can focus on other things during the summer then. He'd already given them all his phone number, email, Twitter, Skype and added each and every one of them individually on Facebook.
The Spanish classes were long, tedious and boring. He saw Finn was actually putting up an effort for the last test, and that made him smile so wide his face could've broken in. The day went by smoothly, as he'd stated before, and then he walked into Glee, which was his favourite time of the day, and horrifically, it was all a ruckus of disruption and chaos.
"It isn't my fault," Rachel said as she was being held back by Finn.
"If you let me at her, I'll blow her brains out," Santana threatened, held back by Sam as she continued to say very colourful Spanish curses. Everyone was standing, splitting themselves from side. With Santana, there was Mercedes, Artie, Brittany, Mike and Blaine. On Rachel's side, there was Sugar, and Tina. In the middle, Rory stood awkwardly and Puck was just looking at the time. Kurt was sitting in a chair, legs crossed, and arms over his chest with a look of heaviness in his eyes.
"Dudes, stop!" Finn exclaimed.
"What's this about?" Will finally decided to cut in, walking towards them.
"It's Rachel fucking Berry!" Will flinched at the language that Santana was using as she gestured towards Rachel as if she was an infection. Finn was biting back his lower lip, confused on what to do as Santana continued to gesture towards Rachel. "She gets every fucking thing in the world and she's still beating her ass around for more!"
Will raised an eyebrow. "Why make a commotion out of it now that Nationals is—?"
Blaine cut him off. "Kurt didn't get into NYADA, but Rachel did."
Will felt a sudden fire in his throat. He'd been there in the rehearsal. He'd seen how beautifully Kurt had done his number, and now, he was staring down at Kurt, whom didn't want to be in part of any of the fighting, but there was some sort of contempt in Kurt's eyes. Apparently, he didn't really enjoy being the second consideration of everyone. Will moved towards them, sitting beside Kurt and laying a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay, Kurt?"
"Mr Schue, I really don't want to talk about it," Kurt said as politely as he could whilst still keeping an edge of ice in his voice.
"Burt's kinda worried about you, you know?" Finn suddenly stated.
Kurt glowered as he slowly nodded his head. "I'm aware," he said in a thick voice as Blaine sat down beside him, placing his hand on Kurt's right now in comfort. Apparently, this was the best they can get him to open up until now.
"It's their loss, Kurt. You're amazing," Blaine said with so much admiration in his eyes that he could explode.
Kurt was furrowing his eyebrows together as he looked away from Blaine. "I suppose that those tight golden pants really did accentuate me," but his voice was vacant.
Blaine smiled softly at him. Brittany then added on. "If it helps, I think that you're the best Dolphin ever."
Will smiled as he patted Kurt's back in his attempt of consoling Kurt. "Would you like some water, Kurt?"
"No offence, Mr Schue," Kurt began, voice laced with pain, "I don't think any amount of water will make them think otherwise."
Will nodded his head. "Do you want to leave, Kurt?"
"I'd like to if you don't mind," Kurt finally said, standing up. Will saw Finn pointing at Kurt and nodded his head. Finn left with a barely audible 'thanks, Mr Schue' as he spun towards the exit, following his stepbrother. Will tried to tell himself that it would be fine, but then remembered the excitement in Kurt's voice when he was leaving the stage just right after his audition with repetitions of 'thank you', looking so happy he could practically hold the world in his hand. Kurt was confident he'd get into NYADA, but his dreams were shattered. He was bitch-slapped in the face with something worse than every single slushie he'd been hit by all combined together.
This time, Will Schuester can't walk up to Figgins and complain about this. He had to have one of the last memories of Kurt being one where he was empty and vacant. Will had been such a fool as well, pumping Kurt full of dreams and then watching him fall and break everything. In reality, things were much harder and he would never forgive himself for never teaching the New Directions that.
and the breathless caress of the piano keys…
Long, nimble fingers played a tone that may not be heard. Maybe it will be to those that care enough to listen. Kurt shut his eyes softly, fingers still finding keys as he bit down his lower lip, hard enough to draw blood yet not at all. Each note played was played by a near caress of the keys, and what beautiful, raw emotion will the pianist paint, but only for those who want to hear it.
He'd forgotten how he'd gotten lost when he played. Maybe he'd heard Finn singing again, I'll Stand By You by the Pretenders – what a lovely pick, classic – just like everything about Finn. Kurt eased back into memory, and slowly back into reality with the last sounding notes. After the piece was done, Kurt stood up. His fingers may be sore from the hours he spent just sitting there, losing track of time but some may say his fingers were sore from pure and utter passion of his soul.
Kurt turned around from the piano in the empty auditorium. Had he truly driven all the way to the open school at night, so he could play? Ms Pillsbury sometimes liked to give him a cup of tea when he was done. Sometimes, she was there to listen, sipping from her tea cup with that anxiety-ridden smile that would plaster on her face as those fragile fingers held on white, pristine teacups and slow melodies close to her. Once or twice, she'd call Will over after her SAT prep was done and they'd just sit and watch him play for hours endlessly.
Kurt had forgotten when he'd gone off to school – what he'd like to call Hell with slushies, bullying, shoving, dumpster-diving – for an escape. Maybe Kurt wouldn't know it now, but Hell had another escape route planned for him in the form of chocolate-brown hair, and soft green eyes. Kurt's hair was dishevelled, his lips were raw from biting his lower and upper lip so hard, his knuckles white from all the playing and his shirt, pants, blazer, and scarf slightly unkempt. The only thing that did not change was his hat, and the messenger bag he had around his shoulder.
It took a moment for Kurt to note that the usually humid room was full of air conditioning.
He turned around and found Emma standing there. This time, she didn't acknowledge herself as she had placed a cup of tea for Kurt on the piano. Kurt took it, sipping gently, and even bearing the indecent amount of sugar. Due to Will living with Emma, the ginger-haired woman had become quite accustomed to placing an ungodly amount of sugar in her teas, coffees, and oatmeal that Kurt wasn't used to seeing her do before. He supposed that their love was just that sweet.
Kurt had nodded towards her and was just about to leave when Emma said. "I'm sorry that you were rejected, Kurt."
Kurt simply shrugged lifelessly. "Thank you for the tea, Ms Pillsbury."
"That piece," Emma gestured to his piano with an awkward hand. "It was really beautiful."
Kurt found a very soft smile making its way to his lips.
"You should get a piano for your house. Um, you've been coming here for nearly three years." Emma chuckled nervously but Kurt admired her quite obvious suggestion.
Kurt shrugged. "I suppose that buying a large, grand expensive piano and placing it in the living room isn't on my Father's list of things to do," Kurt knew if he asked, he'd get a piano but he'd developed a quite bond with this very piano. The school board wouldn't give it away unless they'd pay through the nose with an absurd price for it due to 'appreciation' of the product, when it was really depreciation.
"I play some of my problems away," Kurt finally admitted.
"Does it help?" Emma tried to probe into Kurt, trying to get him to open up to her when he wouldn't open up to anyone else.
Kurt didn't say anything. In an attempt to save the conversation, Emma tried to say something else.
"Those are a lot of problems, Kurt," she said, realising for three years, she'd been hearing him play for endless boundless amount of hours just sitting there. His Father was aware where he was and trusted Kurt very well. Emma still called to confirm anyway and Burt just said his standard 'I know where my kid is. I know he won't lie to me.'
"I'm aware," Kurt nodded his head.
"I think," Emma began, "you should try poetry or something else too if it helps. Maybe even art."
Kurt seemed to suggest this for a moment as he nodded his head. He sipped the tea. "Thank you again, Ms Pillsbury."
Emma nodded her head and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked so much younger when he played. It was so familiar to see him playing that she almost forgot that three years had passed since she'd first saw him playing.
Emma finally asked. "Will you be alright, Kurt?"
Kurt looked down at the piano, remembering that in two weeks, he'd have to leave it. In two weeks, he'd have to graduate. In two weeks, he will be alone and miserable because no college ever wanted his high marks, and scores, and one of them even had said that they refused to accept gay students.
"I don't know," he chuckled a small chuckle, so he'd break a little less on the inside and left the piano to hold one of the last caresses Kurt's hand would ever have to give.
Will Schuester was still thinking about how he only had so little time left with the Gleeks. At this thought, he waited patiently in thought when he looked around for 'Emma Pillsbury's son'. In that moment, he realised he'd never asked Emma for a name. Will watched them move around. Most of these Warblers got along quite well with the New Directions. He asked another student, whom had black hair and dark eyes. He just told him 'Dorm six' and left promptly for some sort of meeting with his friends.
Will had walked up, trying to look for the dorm and finding it quite quickly thanks to his happiness. Just before he opened up the door, another black-haired boy walked out. "Hey," Will finally said. "Are you Emma Pillsbury's son? She asked me to—"
"No, but my dorm mate is," the male answered as Will thanked him promptly and left. When he walked inside of the dorm room, it took a few moments for Will to realise that he was staring right into the face of Sebastian Smythe. Will was stunned that the only Warbler that the New Directions didn't like was none other than Emma's son. Seventeen years old, taller than her by at least nine niches, with soft green eyes, chocolate-brown hair, he was just staring at Will dully.
"Yes?" Sebastian drawled out with his over-confident voice.
"Um," Will looked back at his feet. "Emma asked me to take you home. I'm Will Schuester. Your Mother's engaged to me."
Sebastian stared at him, and then shook his head. "Do you fuck her? How's she like in bed?"
Will was thrown back by this question. "That's highly inappropriate."
Sebastian snorted. "And?"
Will shook his head as Sebastian stood up. He took his small black trolley in his hand and Sebastian was just about to walk out of the room, when Will had taken the trolley for him. Sebastian didn't even acknowledge the gesture as Will was busy hauling the rather heavy small trolley down the staircases and through large hallways. Sebastian didn't say much, but when they got to Will's car, he smirked and then finally stated, "Did you know your car was a piece of shit?"
Will tried to keep his lips as tightly pressed as possible, choosing to not acknowledge the fact that Sebastian had said any of those words. "Is your Mother aware that you tried to blind Blaine?"
"Kurt," Sebastian corrected him but didn't answer his question.
"She isn't, is she?" Will asked again, voice hard.
"Do you get off this?" Sebastian muttered. Will chose not to answer that as Sebastian busied himself with his phone – Emma had gotten him a good quality BlackBerry Touch.
"Does your Mother always buy you and give you expensive things?"
"My Mother?" Sebastian snorted. "My Father tries to buy my affection. I used to live with him in Paris before I had to move."
"Do you have a French passport?"
"Of course," Sebastian muttered as if it wasn't even up for discussion. Sebastian stared at Will for a long while before he looked away.
"Your Mother's OCD is better now," Will noted with a small smile.
Sebastian didn't say anything for a while, shifting into uncomfortable silence. Will thought that Sebastian didn't care at all.
"Ever heard of the Weill Cornell team?"
"Not in particular," Will said. "No."
"They're a bunch of scientists that were conducting some sort of research on some stupidass gene I've never heard of before in my life which plays a role in the development of stem cells that'll eventually specialise into blood cells. They wanted to know about the gene more, so they engineered mice in where that gene was disabled. They tried to look for how it changed the animals' bloodstream but it didn't. Still, the mice started to have weird lesions around their mouths, and were extremely jumpy—even for mice. They began engaging in excessive grooming behaviours, enough to cause facial injury. This gene has a role in the release and uptake of glutamate in the brain, which helps regulate urges. Now, because it's not there, you become impulsive. The mice had some form of OCD because they don't have a gene in their brain."
After the small science lesson, Sebastian smirked. "You're trying to fix a disease that screws with your brain more ways than any boy can fuck me, and it won't help shit."
Will's knuckles turned white from how hard he was holding on the wheel. "Can't you just be happy for your Mother?"
"I pity her," Sebastian muttered. "She's marrying you. I liked the Carl guy better. He 'made her OCD better'," he used quotas with a little ice in his voice, 'without even trying. She wanted to try with him."
Will took a deep breath. "Do you have OCD, Sebastian? You don't seem to be…uh, obsessed with contamination."
"If you're asking me if I give a damn about how clean things are, I don't," Sebastian icily responded. "But if you're asking if I have OCD, then yes, I do."
Will raised an eyebrow. "It took me…about three years of knowing Emma to get her to admit she has OCD."
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Just because I don't have your stereotypical OCD where I wash my hands more times than I can count or just because I told you right away that I had OCD means that I'm a lying piece of shit?"
Will bit down his lower lip. "It's just—uh," Will tried to explain his discomfort.
"25.9 percent of OCD patients actually have an obsession with washing shit," Sebastian looked down at his lap, folding his hand on it. "You suck ass so far. I'm going to give you another chance to impress me."
Will nodded his head. "The fact that you can recall dates, figures and numbers for the whole OCD thing tells me that it's bothering you."
"I had the link between genes and OCD as my psychology report," Sebastian insignificantly stated.
Will nodded his head. "So, what's your obsession? If you don't mind me asking."
"Currently, wondering why my Mother chose a man with such an extensive horrid taste for sweaters." Sebastian snippily replied, as Will tried to focus on the road right now, or else he'd throw Sebastian out of the moving vehicle if it ever came to that. At home, he noted how Sebastian took his trolley upstairs, and Emma was waiting for them at the door. She looked impressed they got this far.
"How's Sebastian, Will?" Emma said, a smile stretching so widely that Will couldn't help but try not to complain.
"He's…I think he's okay. He doesn't seem to like me very much," Will chuckled at the end of this sentence, just to try and even out the play.
Emma nodded her head. Not only ten minutes of settling in had Sebastian walked downstairs clad in skin-tight jeans and a plaid shirt, apparently making his way towards the doorway. Emma didn't look surprised. Will Schuester was stunned that through the moments that it took Sebastian to settle in the house and leave, Sebastian didn't even take one look at his Mother, much less greet her.
When Sebastian returned later after an hour, Will confronted him. "I don't care who you think you are but when you first see your Mother in three months, you have the decency to say hello."
"Will—"Emma began, chewing her lip nervously. "I—"
"Please, Emma. Let me handle this. Your child can be incredibly spoiled."
Sebastian gave Will a cold, dark gaze as he threw a bag in Will's hands, walking upstairs without another sound. Will opened up the bag to see that it was his dry-cleaning, which made him blush.
"…made him pick up your dry-cleaning before they closed," Emma finished off her sentence in a low voice. Will knew that the woman was so adamant about her cleaning that she only trusted one laundry mat downtown to do any garment of clothing in this household.
"Oh," Will didn't feel like he could flush any more than he did right then.
Emma left due to the awkwardness, as Will looked back at the dry cleaning. Sebastian didn't take any money from Emma. Sebastian paid for another guy's dry-cleaning and said guy accused him of being spoiled and taking things for granted. Will sighed, placed his bag upstairs and passed by Sebastian's room, only to see him sitting on his laptop typing vigorously, probably a complaint to someone with how hard his eyes were. Will didn't blame him this time as he left to his room, which vaguely smelled like Emma's favourite scent – soft flowery lavender.
Will smiled. She was happy. He can tell that much by the scent. His beautiful fiancée was happy.
Kurt tried his hand at writing poetry, and so far, he'd gotten a large amount of cheesy small short poems for Blaine and had thrown them away. He'd pulled away his notebook after tearing down poem by poem and stuffing them in the bin underneath the piano. His notebook was significantly thinner now, and he turned to look at his beautiful piano keys as they urged him to touch them. Kurt had, softly, gently, taking care with each and every note he played. Whilst his Father knew where he left to go to on these nights, Carole didn't and neither did Finn. There was a reason for that. This was his world, away from reality, in this tight container of hope to erase this ever-lasting misery.
After an hour and a half of playing, he heard very sarcastic clapping coming from the doorway. Kurt turned around, hair as unkempt as always after a piece, knuckles as white as snow, with his black sweater, white shirt and pants being slightly unkempt. Suddenly, Kurt was weighed down by his boots and his beret didn't seem to be shielding his identity enough. Kurt watched as one of his enemies came to burst his bubble of security, and he felt his hands ball into fists.
Sebastian stood there, looking rather smug. It took a moment for Kurt to realise he wasn't in his Warbler uniform – actually, Sebastian looked less guarded than Kurt, with his hair just as dishevelled, his old shirt, his loose, baggy pants, and his paler than usual body. If anything, Sebastian looked worse than he did, but that arrogant smile still rested on his lips.
"How did you…?" Kurt's voice was high with horror.
Sebastian's arms were crossed against his chest as he finally said. "My Mother invited me." Kurt watched with shock as Emma Pillsbury walked towards him, giving Kurt a cup of tea and smiling over at Sebastian lazily. Kurt's body was numb with shock as he watched Emma tightly squeeze Sebastian's shoulder as she offered him some tea. When he accepted her offer, she turned around, left and came back with two individual cups of milky sweet tea that Sebastian might even take for granted for all Kurt knew.
Kurt sipped the tea, soft, rosy-tasting with the hint of saffron that made it smell and taste nearly exotic and sweetened evaporated milk that had one too many chemicals in it. Kurt didn't seem to care about calorific content as he sipped, eyes resting on Sebastian's face. Sebastian looked different, almost frazzled.
"Sebastian," Emma was dusting off unseen specks of dirt off Sebastian's shirt. "It looks like it's contaminated or something. Did you put this into the dryer at all?"
"Of course, Mother," Sebastian muttered. "It's more-so the condition of this shirt. However, I happen to like it."
In his state of shock, Kurt had stopped sipping.
"Does Mr Schue know…?" Kurt asked as he started gesturing to Sebastian as Emma slowly nodded her head. Oh, so Will purposely disclosed the fact that Emma mothered Sebastian Smythe, because that would probably be the most awkward thing in the world.
"Smythe," Kurt finally said after a while.
Emma slowly nodded her head. "Yes, well, Sebastian still goes by his Father's name…Kurt, you aren't awfully like this a lot, did something happen between you and Sebastian?"
Apparently, Will didn't tell her everything that went on in the choir, just problems he didn't think he can handle, or he was going to until Emma mentioned that she mothered a boy that was a equivalent of the Devil right now. Kurt smiled a fake smile, but couldn't handle it. "He almost blinded Blaine with a rock salt slushie."
Emma's face turned white as Kurt went on. "He blackmailed Finn with an outrageously photoshopped picture of him. He claimed to be getting better, but then decided that wasn't as fun as seeing my face 'scrunch up' in this 'sexy' way when I talk—"
Emma turned to look at Sebastian, who still wore a look so arrogant that Kurt thought that he was suddenly made of steel as Sebastian finally said, "Hummel, spare us the gore."
"Sebastian, is this true?" Emma's voice was teetering on the edge of horror, as she placed a hand on her chest. "You know – you know – it's not right."
Sebastian just shrugged as if he didn't care if it was right or not. "Hummel over-exaggerates."
Emma had to sit down to keep herself from having a panic attack as she looked down at her lap, and back up at Kurt and Sebastian. Kurt had turned around, breaking the silence as he sat down to play. Kurt waited for Sebastian and Emma to leave, as Emma placed a hand on Sebastian's shoulder. Just as Kurt finished playing the last note in the fifteenth ballad he'd played, Emma had finally whispered, "I raised you right. I-I-I just don't understand."
Kurt didn't turn around as he heard Sebastian say, "There's nothing to understand. I fucked up, like I always do." There was a bit of pain just straining at the end of Sebastian's voice that Kurt would've missed if he wasn't listening as intently as he was.
Kurt can see from the corner of his eye, Sebastian leaving but Emma holding his arm. Sebastian sighed, and left after a moment contrary to it. Emma looked down at her feet, apparently still shocked at the new information she'd gained about her 'perfect' son.
"Um, I suppose I'll just leave to go clean something," Emma muttered as she looked at Kurt.
"Ms Pillsbury, I don't mean to intrude – but was Sebastian always like this?"
Emma stared at Kurt as she nodded her head but then added on. "He-he has good intentions." Before Kurt can say anything else, she added on. "That's a nice piece, Kurt."
Kurt's voice was low when he said. "Thank you."
She left, and Kurt pulled out his notebook, writing scribbles of poetry that meant something almost a little deeper than normal, but not as deep as the softer notes of the piano as they sung the pitches he couldn't sing, an unheard ballad that unveiled itself to those who wanted to hear. In his secure world, Sebastian Smythe had suddenly broken what used to be just his. Just as Kurt went to leave, he was met with Sebastian Smythe standing there again.
"I thought you left," Kurt said.
"Don't flatter yourself, Hummel," Sebastian said, as Kurt scowled at him. Sebastian gave Kurt a DVD and was on his way. "And don't break it else I'll smash your face in."
Kurt watched as Sebastian strode through the McKinley hallways as if he owned the world. Just as Kurt was mourning the death of his own secure world that broke when Sebastian decided to join in, Kurt looked down to see what DVD Kurt had given him. He thought Sebastian had given him porn but instead, he'd had him the 2010 edition of Alice in Wonderland. Kurt opened it, and saw that there was the movie, the soundtrack and a CD labelled in Sebastian's neat scrawl Almost Alice.
After watching and re-watching the movie about four times that night, Kurt finally decided that he can fall asleep when he'd just gotten a text from an unknown number that stated: if you had a world of your own, Hummel, we'd all be bathed in glitter. –S. Kurt groaned, wanting to throw his iPhone across the room but instead, he added him to his contact and simply saved it with Bas. It took Kurt a moment to realise he'd nicknamed Sebastian - almost like a friend. Kurt decided that he truly was too tired to think as he shut his phone and curled into his bed to sleep.
The next morning, Kurt would wake up to hearing the sound of something loud and incredibly annoying. Kurt walked downstairs and found Burt was just as stunned as he was.
"What's going on?" Burt asked one of the movers.
"Well, we were paid extra to deliver," one of them explained as Kurt looked at the soundless grand piano. Not just any piano, the same piano Kurt played on every night, with just one key ready to fall out, the scratches on the wood it made when Kurt was wearing new bangles and the stool that Kurt had become so familiar with. Kurt couldn't help but smile softly.
Burt just looked at Kurt's face before smiling. First time he saw his son genuinely smile since he'd heard about NYADA. Burt probably decided he didn't care about who'd pay to get a piano into his house for Kurt and then stated, "Just don't play too loud when it's three am, okay?"
Kurt slowly nodded his head, face numb with astonishment. After they were done moving, all Kurt wanted to do was sit down and play so that was what he did. With Burt and Carole out to do some grocery shopping and Finn tagging along to buy excessive amounts of junk food, all Kurt did was sit down and play. Kurt hadn't even noticed when someone else was in the room until he looked up nearly half an hour later after he finished a multitude of easy-to-play songs that he remembered from his childhood.
Sebastian was emerging from the kitchen and suddenly, Kurt remembered they always left the backdoor open. Sebastian must've known it too. Emma did if anything. Burt told her and Will to come by the backdoor once since it was always open. Sebastian was dressed in a silver white shirt, his face hard and stoic. "I suppose my plans of bashing your head on this piano can be delayed then."
Kurt didn't stop playing until he finished the song about six minutes later, but Sebastian didn't mind standing here, waiting. "Why?" Kurt wanted to know why Sebastian went through any trouble at all, paying and getting him that very piano here.
Sebastian just chuckled. "Because Hummel, you depress me."
Kurt looked up to stare at Sebastian, as he wished he can wipe that disgusting smirk on his lips as Kurt smiled with those trembling lips. Sebastian didn't even know what was going on until Kurt practically threw himself at Sebastian, hugging him as tightly as ever. "Hummel! I didn't get you the damn piano so you can hug me! I got it so we can fuck on it!"
Kurt didn't seem to care, hugging Sebastian as tightly as possible. "Thank you."
"Hummel, you could've just sent that in a text," Sebastian responded, rolling his eyes as he looked down at Kurt's face. Kurt pulled away from Sebastian's body as if he just realised he was hugging Sebastian Smythe of all people.
"How did you pay for the piano? How can Emma pay for Dalton—?" Kurt finally decided to ask.
Sebastian snorted. "You think my Father's dead? He isn't dead, Hummel. Mother just doesn't like him. My Father still sends me as much money as I want and gets me whatever the hell I ask for. He got me a beach house just so I can have sex in it."
It was odd, with Emma being his Mother. It was all so very odd.
Sebastian then eyed the piano. "Does this mean we can have sex on the piano, Hummel? Just out of curiosity, I want to see if you start squirming, fighting or screaming when we're fucking. Plus, I want to see the faces I know you'll pull."
Kurt just stared at Sebastian for the time being. A question that would've made him punch Sebastian before had allowed a small smirk to follow Kurt's lips as he seriously asked, "Why?" Kurt wanted to know the real reason Sebastian had gotten him an entire freaking piano in his living room.
Sebastian's eyes turned solemn, as he finally explained his selfish intent.
"Because Blaine doesn't go to get coffee anymore because you won't. I'd go stalk Blaine in his house but his Father installed a high-quality security system and the very large intimidating-looking German shepherd doesn't seem to enjoy my presence any more than Blaine does."
Kurt shook his head, sighing. "You're mad, Sebastian."
Sebastian let a small smirk finally make its way to his lips. "We're all mad here."
Kurt's face finally hardened. "So, what do you want for the piano?" he was serious right now.
Sebastian just smirked right now. Kurt hoped for the worst. He was going to decline sex, and Sebastian knew this immediately.
"You don't do anything when I'm after Blaine and if you ever find me fucking his brains out, you don't do anything."
Kurt didn't tell Sebastian that Blaine and him broke up and didn't want to so he just nodded his head. Sebastian then added on, "Oh and you're going to make your stupid little fucking world. And I'm going to be in it."
Kurt didn't expect that at all as he stared vacantly at the taller male. If you had a world of your own, Hummel, we'd all be bathed in glitter.
Kurt was numb as Sebastian left. Kurt looked down at his piano. It all seemed so simple, which was what made Kurt wonder. Kurt picked up his spiral notebook along with a pen as he flipped to an empty page and wrote a sentence, just one sentence.
I'm falling down the rabbit hole
Kurt realised that probably was the end of that damn 'poem' as he pulled his notebook away and turned to look down at his piano. He picked up his sheet music, and wrote a sequence of pitches that he knew would be okay. By the time it was lunch, Kurt had be torn away from his piano, leaving the keys untouched and a song unspoken.
The rest of the days were the same with Kurt leaving to get warm milk for Sebastian and then coming back, giving it to him and playing until he could not play another note, until his fingers would bleed at five or six am. Kurt would just stay there, staring at Sebastian as he drank, sipping bit by bit. Kurt looked at Sebastian. Kurt never stopped a song and always ended it. Sebastian knew Kurt wasn't done playing but he still asked.
"Have you ever read about Selene and Endymion?" Sebastian said, placing half-empty cup on the table.
Kurt raked his mind over Greek mythology. He nodded his head. "Of course, Selene was the Goddess of the Moon, and Endymion was a handsome shepherd. Selene saw him, fell in love with him, and watched him fall asleep. She enjoyed the serenity on his face and enchanted him to sleep forever. In his sleep, Endymion dreamed of their many children and eternal love between him and Selene, always bearing a smile on his face."
Kurt looked down at piano before he laughed softly. "Are you assuming we are just like them?"
Sebastian stood up and moved towards him, placing his hand on Kurt's shoulder. "How's the notorious Klaine?" his voice dripped of thickness.
"I promised I would never leave him," Kurt said, voice vacant, as he looked back up at him. "I left him."
Sebastian snorted. "I don't need a promise."
Kurt looked up at Sebastian. "Did anyone ever give you a promise?"
Sebastian snorted and looked away. "Oh, please, Hummel. What is this? Confession hour?"
Kurt looked away and just shrugged. "You asked me." Kurt seemed to think for a moment. "Now, that you know that I no longer control when or whether Blaine goes to the Lima Bean, will you stop pestering me?"
Sebastian smirked. "Not by a long shot."
"What's wrong with you?" Kurt hissed, looking down at the keys. He didn't know why Sebastian insisted on intruding. Sebastian must've known that Kurt hated sharing his world with people; that he hated to have someone inside of his private mind and he just didn't want to. "What do you want from me? Why do you insist on trying to ruin my time with myself by just existing there?"
"You depress me, Hummel," Sebastian only repeated. "Being all alone. I should really do something." He said with a small smirk on his face.
Kurt's fingers dropped to the keys, making an annoyed sound from the piano to express his current emotion.
"Why the hell do you insist on warming up some milk for me?" Sebastian brought the cup up in the air right now as if to emphasise on his point.
Kurt's ribcage expanded as he took in some air. He looked back at Sebastian. "Because," he began, voice certain, "If I don't give you something, all you'll do is talk, and talk, and mercilessly talk when I'm trying to focus on my keys."
Sebastian shook his head, as he placed the cup down. He brought a chair, sitting beside Kurt. Now, it was far too close for comfort as Sebastian tried to play one of Kurt's childhood pieces. A seven minute piece. Very easy, repetitive keys. Kurt looked down at Sebastian's face, noticing that he wasn't even concentrating. He knew the keys by heart right now from the days on and on he'd seen Kurt play.
Kurt watched as Sebastian played instead. It was strange, having to be the one listening as he took the cup of warm milk, melting in the notes and drinking the still-warm liquid.
Kurt stared into Sebastian's eyes after he was done playing. "Play that last note again," Kurt whispered.
Sebastian nodded as he played the last note. Kurt smiled softly. That was his favourite bit. He finally joined Sebastian, replaying that same note over and over again. Kurt snorted. Sebastian laughed. When he did, Sebastian nearly looked shocked when he caught himself laughing. Kurt looked deep into those delightful eyes, as Sebastian registered back his cold and calculated face.
Kurt grabbed onto one side of Sebastian's face so that they were looking directly at each other.
"Fuck, your eyes are shitless blue." Sebastian spoke, breaking the moment.
The silence lapsed again, as he found too much colour in Sebastian's eyes that he couldn't really decipher. If they were green, then they were a shade of green that Kurt had never seen before as he muttered, "I know."
Kurt continued to look back at Sebastian's eyes as Sebastian's hands dropped to Kurt's lap. Kurt's hands had found their way around Sebastian's elbows. Sebastian finally pushed Kurt off as if this was more personally offending than anything else he'd ever done.
"Fine. Who needs to be around you or your stupid lucid musical fantasies anyway?" Sebastian muttered as he picked up his bag to leave.
Kurt stared at Sebastian as he threw his bag over his shoulder as well as grabbed his phone and shoved it into his pocket. He icily turned around with such coldness in his eyes Kurt was rendered speechless as Sebastian gave one last look towards Kurt. "You won't have to worry about me being anywhere around you anymore, okay?"
Kurt grabbed his arm just as he was about to leave. "What drug are you injecting? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Sebastian snarled at Kurt. "Don't tempt me to cut you into pieces, Hummel."
Kurt let go of his hands. "All I did was looked into your eyes. Oh, was it the fact that I saw a bit of humanity in there? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. You're the all evil doesn't feel a thing Sebastian Smythe!" Kurt called out angrily, fists in the air. "Sorry if I misunderstood that."
Sebastian looked back at Kurt, and then Kurt saw it again – that silver of humanity, that slight render of pain that somehow attacked Sebastian's eyes.
Kurt was thrown back with shock at seeing him so weak. "Okay, Hummel," Sebastian muttered. "Oh-fucking-kay."
"Sebastian?" Kurt said his name in such a soft manner that it provoked a violent response from Sebastian as he stomped his feet, jerking his hands together and grunting all in the same second, looking down at Kurt with animalistic eyes.
"Just don't fucking talk to me. Ever again and I can pretend this never, ever happened," now Kurt can see that Sebastian's lips were trembling as he turned to leave. He seemed to be storming out, and then shut the door behind him. Kurt felt a huge amount of pain accumulating in his chest for some reason.
"Fairfarren, Sebastian," Kurt whispered.
Fairfarren. In Alice in Wonderland, it just meant one word: goodbye.
"Kid, you're not playing anymore."
Kurt looked up from his plate of eggs at breakfast. Kurt shrugged. "I suppose it's time to let go of childish fascinations."
Kurt looked back down at his eggs. He had two days of school left and couldn't help but feel empty. Last two days and then he had a week until graduation. Kurt didn't know what to do with his life, and this heaviness laid on his skin, thinking about Sebastian. He used to play to get away, but now, Sebastian was in that world too, with every touch of the key, every note he played. With no escape, Kurt slowly realised he was losing himself completely. After three years of using his piano as an escape, his perfect mirror started to slowly break and his mask unveiling itself right before his own eyes.
"Kurt, you're eating a bagel."
Kurt looked down at the bagel. A dessert in disguise practically. Whole-wheat or not, Kurt hadn't had bagels after he was seven and had his first few piano lessons. He didn't need food to compensate for anything but now, he was slowly reverting back to old patterns when he was seven: needy for comfort, whether it be new clothing, food, or just generally laying around the house being lazy and watching reruns of series he'd memorised. He was nothing special than three quarters of the world now, sitting down with nothing more to fill his days than senseless hours reblogging Matt Smith's face on tumblr. The thing was he never even watched Doctor Who, but according to his download manager, in about three days, he'll have the first five seasons.
Of course, Kurt had his voice, but he did not have his own world. When he sang, he sang to an audience. He only let a very few people tread into his piano playing. Emma, Will, Rachel, and Burt was only aware of it. Even Blaine didn't know it, which made Kurt realise that if it had been something short of true love, Kurt would've wanted Blaine to know about his ingenious piano playing. When Rachel suggested he become a pianist, Kurt shot the idea in a fraction of a section. This was his world and nobody else was invited.
The minute he let Sebastian in was the worst and now, Kurt can't play. Without the solace of his keys, his hands had to be busied – whether it was a keyboard, or snacking in front of the television. His scale was certainly telling him something was to be done about it, but he truly had lost all interest in anything else. His voice was to become his talent and career, but falling back, he had nothing. His crappy poetry to Blaine about how sorry he was had been ripped out because it was just too corny and cheesy that even the romantic Kurt couldn't stand hearing any of it, despite how true it was.
Kurt found himself thinking about Endymion and Selene quite a lot, as well as looking at Sebastian's handwriting on the Alice in Wonderland CD's he'd given him. Had Sebastian been letting him in so when Kurt had stared into him and saw how unguarded his eyes were, it made Sebastian react violently? Kurt realised how plausible that it was. Sebastian knew that Kurt's piano playing was something short of remaining sane and secure as he played his worries, pain and frustration into beautiful musical notes. Sebastian had let him into his world, his 'wonderland' where he was just a child revelling in simple childhood stories and attaining some sort of clarity of the world through an escape.
Kurt looked down at his failing poem that failed all kinds of epic fail.
I'm falling down the rabbit hole
And realised, just then, that those words were practically the truest words he'd said in his life. A few moments after, he also realised it was probably the truest words to describe Sebastian Smythe's life as well.
"Enough," Kurt muttered one day as he stared at himself in the mirror. "I'm depressed. I'm fat. My face hasn't seen moisturiser in days. There's a pimple on my back. All your lotions are new and unopened and your pants are getting tighter by the day."
He tried to encourage himself, but then he just found himself reverting back to his old habits just at that breakfast as he ate many Nutella crepes and washed it down with an unhealthy and ungodly amount of coffee. Kurt thought of doing something productive that day and thought of the only thing he could: I'm sorry. Kurt sent that to Blaine. I'm a coward. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry we couldn't be together. They can touch us and
Kurt couldn't say anymore as he sent the text to Blaine.
Blaine responded in about thirty seconds: did you ever love me, Kurt? Just tell me that you did once.
I did. Kurt responded in a fraction of a second.
Blaine answered just as quickly. When did you realise you loved me?
Kurt stopped to think now. He remembered once seeing Blaine lay down asleep and then his heart thudded. He quickly went to Sebastian's number and typed in a text for him: you asked me about Endymion and Selene because you thought that Blaine and I were like them, correct? Like a pointless senseless twisted love that will end up with one of us being selfish.
Sebastian answered in a moment: took you long enough. Blaine is a sick person, Kurt. That's why I wanted to fuck him. I like sick things and sick people. Now delete me from your contact list, Hummel. Kurt did as told even though he didn't want to. He had Sebastian's number memorised but felt like he owned him a favour. Kurt finally typed back to Blaine: I realised I was in love with you when you were asleep.
When Blaine didn't respond for hours, Kurt realised he probably should drive over to him to make sure he was okay. He wondered if he'd find Blaine clutching a bottle of alcohol, drowning his sorrows in it, or finding him pressed up against the couch, reading old Facebook messages from when they were together. He knew Blaine was taking it hard. He knew that Blaine was horrified and that Blaine had made him a promise, and this was how he repaid him. In Kurt's mind, he can't be with Blaine because it wasn't fair to Blaine. Because he wouldn't let Blaine in his world of the piano keys and its magic, and that was enough for Kurt to realise he didn't want Blaine to know things about him. Not important, personal things.
Kurt realised right then he'd never even met Blaine's parents. This escalated into a fight. Blaine tried to know about Kurt and he did. He knew many thing about Kurt but Kurt knew nothing at all about Blaine. He couldn't be in love with a stranger. He was so foolish, so young, so blinded by the idea of someone loving him that he realised he barely knew Blaine. He didn't know his birthday or his favourite colour. He didn't know what Blaine liked to do, what he had – it was news to him when Sebastian told him that Blaine was 'sick'. Kurt didn't quite understand that yet, but it disturbed him. He wondered if Blaine would hurt him.
In his fit of recognition, he realised he knew too much about Sebastian. Sebastian's birthday was at the sixth of December and his favourite colour was between cobalt and cerulean blue. Sebastian liked Alice in Wonderland, Castle and Game of Thrones. He liked to sing, make fun of him, read crime novels, write poetry sometimes in the back of those books and used dead flowers as bookmarks. In the hours Kurt had spent with Sebastian, he realised he knew more about Sebastian than anyone else in the world. Sebastian knew Kurt's favourite colour right off the bat when he'd seen him in a violet purple shirt, and told him something about him looking horrid even in his favourite colour. In the exchange of insults, Kurt was surprised to find out that Sebastian actually let Kurt know a lot about himself.
His French Father tried to buy his affections when he was young, which escalated into him asking for insane things and he'd always gotten them. Sebastian told him once that Kurt's nose was so runny it was like the eggs his Father made, with that soft smile on his face. Sebastian liked things messy. He liked messy food and he liked to poke around and prod with it. Sebastian also had very strong OCD. Sebastian would check, re-check, and check again his bag when they were together and the pockets of his pants. Sebastian also had an obsession with using the same cutlery, wearing the same shoes, the same bag, and sometimes was a hoarder of objects, stealing things that Kurt deemed as useless, which meant that Sebastian can steal it. When Sebastian thought something was wrong, he checked, re-checked and checked again, and he sometimes rummaged through bags and trash to make sure nothing was missing.
With these horrible thoughts lingering in Kurt's mind, he stepped out of his car and walked towards Blaine's house. He heard something rattling, and then the sound of something smashing. Kurt's heart rate accelerated. He was numb and silent. He heard the sound of something loud and unmistakable, running towards the house. He looked for a spare key and found it under the doormat. The gates were open and the German shepherd was whimpering, leading Kurt to believe something horrible had happened.
Kurt flung the doorway of the room and was nearly choking back tears as he realised that there was nothing on the ground but a gun in Blaine's hand, a puddle of blood and a single crumpled note that said: now, I'm asleep and you can love me forever, Kurt.
Will was just reading the newspaper when he pulled it down and took a deep breath. "Blaine Anderson killed himself last night."
Sebastian dropped the can of Pepsi he had on the ground. Emma didn't tell him to pick it up and clean. "What?" Emma's voice was low.
Will just shrugged. "I just couldn't understand."
Sebastian didn't need to as he grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. "Fairfarren, Mother. I'm leaving."
"Where are you g-going?" Emma's eyes were wide with fear.
"Nowhere," Sebastian muttered as he stepped out from the doorway. Emma was just about to go after him when Will grabbed her elbow, nodding knowingly towards Sebastian. "Go."
Sebastian smirked. "You impressed me, old man."
So Sebastian left, going nowhere. Except not. Where are you going? Sebastian looked back at the house, never to come back again. Somewhere. Everywhere.
Police came. An ambulance came. It was futile. Blaine was dead and all Kurt felt like was sick right now. Thoughts whizzed in Kurt's mind: what if I didn't break up? What if I listened to Sebastian when he warned me that Blaine was sick? Why didn't I ask the Warblers if Blaine was okay when he got aggressive? Why didn't I pay attention to the antidepressants on Blaine's dresser? Why didn't I love him enough? Kurt was staring down at the dead carcass, laying a hand on Blaine's cheek.
A policewoman told him to tell him the events. Kurt showed proof and then was blushing so hard he was nearly crying when he told her he was unaware that his ex-boyfriend of nearly two years had any kind of problem. Sebastian, who'd known Blaine for around a year, knew everything about him. It made Kurt feel sick to the stomach and horrified that he could even be considered a boyfriend to Kurt.
"He looks happy."
Kurt turned around to see Sebastian moving. Blaine had already been pronounced dead, and the thoughts were lingering in Kurt's mind. Blaine was dead. There was no coming back for him now.
Kurt was hissing now. "You knew he was going to kill himself."
"No," Sebastian whispered, eyes hard. "I knew he was sick. Did you?"
This threw Kurt away and made him restrain his posture. "Then why did you use the Endymion and Selene reference?"
Sebastian shrugged. "Because your love for him is going to make you fuck up one day and he'll land himself in a rut he can't break himself out of," Sebastian looked down at Blaine's body. "I never imagined that this would happen to him and don't you dare imply that I knew that Blaine was suicidal and I did nothing about it."
Kurt's face softened. "I thought you didn't want me to talk to you again."
"No, I'm here for Blaine's remains, not for you," Sebastian muttered indecently.
"Blaine said you used to exchange family-friendly text messages."
Sebastian smirked for a moment but it dropped just as soon as it flashed. "We did," his voice was soft. "He told me that we should run away some day. I told him I already am."
"Alice in Wonderland?" Kurt chimed in.
Sebastian looked at Kurt. "It helps me sleep at night." Sebastian just shrugged. "Along with a bottle of liquor and a good decent fuck."
"Why the hell do you do that? Whenever you open up to me, you bring up this inappropriate comment—"Kurt stopped himself from talking, looking like he was ready to blow Sebastian's brains out.
Sebastian smirked. "Bothering you, Hummel?"
Kurt slowly nodded his head.
"You look as lonely as an old woman with cats."
Kurt's mouth opened as he stared at Sebastian. That was true. Without his world, it downed own on him: that he was lonely. He wasn't alone. He had Burt, Finn, Carole, Rachel, Mercedes and a lot of people. Warblers. New Directions. He can turn to any of them, but he just felt lonely either way.
"I made the Endymion and Selene comment because we're like them." Sebastian confessed. "I never thought of Blaine. He's not in my world. He's a fuck. I never laid a fucking hand on you because you're in it. Despite that disgustingly stylised hair of yours that make you look like you're trying to defy the laws of physics."
Kurt was stunned by this confession still. "What do you dream about?"
"None of your fucking business," Sebastian muttered under his breath. "What do you dream about? Glitter? Rainbows?"
Kurt can reply the same way, telling him it was none of his business. "You."
Sebastian was thrown back. It was evident in his eyes, but he tried to save himself with a quick comment. "And now we're supposed to make out under the stars and—"
"You're Selene." Kurt finally said. "You give me dreams. I think it's your exceptionally excellent taste in movies, but I keep thinking that I'm falling down a rabbit hole into this new world, and you are in it. I can't play a note without thinking about it and…do you know how much it kills me? You're the reason I have nothing. And wipe that smirk off your face, you rancid meerkat."
Sebastian still kept on smirking. "It was my ass, wasn't it, Hummel?"
"Ugh!" Kurt looked like he was completely fed up with Sebastian.
Sebastian's eyes softened. "You asked me if anyone gave me a promise."
Kurt nodded his head, eyes on Sebastian.
"You did," Sebastian had a small smirk resting on his face.
Kurt snorted. "I think I'd remember you promising you anything. Other than that one day, I will make sure to hand you over to animal protection so they can label you as an endangered meerkat species."
Sebastian smirked. "Oh, please, Hummel," and then added on. "You promised me that you'd let me in your world."
"Oh, that," Kurt murmured. "I wasn't aware it was a promise. Did I keep it?"
Sebastian nodded his head. "Hummel, you're just as fucked up as Blaine is. And the thing is, I am too." Sebastian smiled as he stared down at Blaine. "He's happy, Hummel. He's dreaming. Probably of you getting him a new fugly bowtie."
Kurt nodded his head silently. "Why are you here if you're so sure he's happy then?"
Sebastian pressed his hand against Blaine's hand, as he smiled weakly. "Because," his voice was soft. "I promised we're run away together."
"Did you?" Kurt whispered.
Sebastian looked at Kurt as he smirked. "I ran off to a strange new world," Sebastian muttered. "I keep my promises, Hummel. I keep them until the day I fucking die."
Kurt looked down. "So, that's why…that's why you got me the piano? So you can run away into my world?"
"Jeez, Hummel, you're so slow," Sebastian shook his head, laughing bitterly.
Kurt looked vacant eyed.
"You didn't think you were special and I loved you or some elaborate shit like that, did you, Hummel?" Sebastian smirked, but then his smirk dropped, as he realised the emotions in Kurt's eyes. "Shit. You…you did."
There was silence.
"D-disappointed, Hummel?" Sebastian tried to keep his voice steady.
Kurt looked at him in rage as he turned around, walking away from the whole scene. The police asked him a few more questions and left. They hauled Sebastian to ask him as well. Kurt had managed to get around to the back of the building, taking deep breaths and putting his hand in his coat.
Kurt only got a few moments as Sebastian had found his way towards the back of the building, and then looked at Kurt with strong eyes. "Why? Why the fuck do you even like me?"
Kurt looked at Sebastian and now, laughed. "I don't know. You're horrid. You have disgusting taste in clothing. You're cold, cynical and cruel. You quite blatantly just fuck everything up."
The final sentence must've struck a chord in Sebastian's brain.
"Fuck you, Hummel," Sebastian said, voice wobbly. "Fuck you, and your gay shoes and your gay pants and your fucking gay shirt and…just fuck you. Fuck you to Hell. I don't need you anymore. I don't need you at all. You're just some bitch that can play some keys and sing a few show tunes."
Kurt looked back up at Sebastian as he extended his arms. Sebastian practically threw himself into Kurt's arms as Sebastian's fists made it the walls of the building. "Fuck you," Sebastian said one last time, as hot tears ran down his cheeks.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Sebastian?" Kurt said, voice just as shaky as his own set of hot tears spilled down his cheek.
"I don't fucking know." Sebastian honestly answered. "I just put myself up for hurt, hurt, hurt like a fucking masochist. I see people hurt and think that I can save them and I'm a fucking sadistic bitch too. I knew Blaine was sick. I still hit on him. I knew if I sat down with you to burst your stupid bubble of comfort, you'd crack. I just like pain. I fucking adore it but fuck it, Hummel. It hurts. It hurts too fucking much. Take it away, Hummel. Take the fucking pain away because I can't stand it. I can't stand any-fucking-thing anymore."
Sebastian was staring at him directly now, hot tears still spilling from his cheeks.
"You know I have OCD. I'm obsessed. With fucking pain. I'm obsessed with people's pain. I'm obsessed with being in pain and I run after it. Fuck it. I wish I wanted to wash my hands all the fucking time. I just want to hurt people, all the damn time. I want to see their pain and I can't stop until this…stupid anxiety thing calms down and I can fall asleep and dream of shit that won't ever happen. Except I wake up and feel like hurting people again and again, prodding at their issues like it's my business. It's not my business. You got me figured out, happy, Hummel? Happy? I knew Blaine was in pain. I did nothing. I know you're in so much fucking pain and I'm not doing anything. I'm nothing."
Kurt didn't remember the rest of the night. The pain controlled them for a while, and Kurt found himself on top of Sebastian on his piano, kissing him as their naked bodies was highlighted by the moonlight from the window. Nobody was home just yet. Carole and Burt out on a date and Finn staying over at Puck's. They had sex just under the moonlight, and the sound of Sebastian's moans intoxicated with the sound coming from the piano was the last and most beautiful song Kurt had ever played.
I'm falling down the rabbit hole
if you had a world of your own, Hummel, we'd all be bathed in glitter.
Kurt was Endymion. Sebastian was Selene.
A few days after their first time, Sebastian found Kurt's piano smashed into pieces. Kurt's body was on the floor, bloodied, and a gun in his hand. Sebastian knew that Kurt was lost, that he had nothing to live for after graduation and that Blaine's death was a constant weighing guilt in his mind. He knew all of this. He knew how much in pain Kurt was, and he ran after it. He ran after it, until he was in Kurt's world. He saw what Kurt saw. He bled what Kurt bled.
It wasn't enough.
Sebastian held the cold body in his hands, falling down the rabbit hole, as he whispered into Kurt's ear,
Addressing some issues, honeys.
1/ Blaine's reasons for his suicide attempt is vague: good, that's intentional. I wanted to pull it off as if Blaine had some sort of clinical depression for a few years and the last straw was the break-up. Except not, because the last straw was when Kurt told him that he fell in love with him when he was asleep so he thought that: might as well fall asleep forever. This is a very simplified version of what happened to Blaine. I did not tap into Blaine's mindset because I wanted the ambiguity. I wanted to touch on this as lightly as possible just to show you how shocked Kurt was. Shocked enough for the guilt and everything. In Kurt's mind, Blaine killed himself. For whatever reasons, it didn't matter because Blaine is DEAD.
2/ you didn't probe much through Sebastian's mind: I didn't. Sebastian's mindset is not mentioned here as much. Will's and Kurt's are. Sebastian's mindset is only touched very briefly at the end, that he is addicted to pain. This can possibly explain why he was drawn to Blaine in the beginning and then Kurt at the end. He's drawn to their pain and this ends up with him being unable to take it when it becomes 'very real' aka Blaine's suicide so he breaks down in confession to Kurt.
3/ Blaine's suicide attempt was lightly touched at the end: it was. That was intentional just to highlight how impromptu, out of the blue it was. It's significant because things in life happened unexpectedly. In the very end, Kurt is still stunned by Blaine's suicide attempt. Sebastian wasn't. Suggesting that Sebastian knew that Kurt will kill himself. His apathy suggests that he knows Kurt would be better off dead than guilty for the rest of his existence.
4/ the sex at the end was very impromptu: yes. This also is an exploration of both Kurt and Sebastian's mindsets. Sebastian chases after pain and Kurt is in a great deal of it right now. Also, Sebastian promised Blaine to 'run away'; this is explored greatly in the last few lines. The sex and the 'poem'. The sex is both of them running away from the reality of the situation: Blaine is dead.
Any other notes that you vaguely implied that we might've missed, oh Lord of all things weird, vague and unacceptable?
1/Sebastian's apathy at the end: I used Blaine's impromptu suicide to highlight and foreshadows Kurt's conditions as well. Blaine was happy at the end, dreaming, elated – that's the same condition Sebastian found Kurt in, so he didn't show much emotion BECAUSE he knew that Kurt was happy too.
Thanks for reading and sorry for the extremely long note! It's not as fun as having to explain it, but I wanted that specific ending written in that specific way. If there is an offense, triggers here, they are not deliberate. I warned in the beginning for the biggest triggers: both character death and suicide. ^_^ I loaf you. This idea was bugging me for a long while to say the least!