Here's a Smartass Family fic. Established Tony/Loki with Peter Parker as their adopted child. Enjoy~

Disclaimer: I don't own this characters. I'm only borrowing them for a bit.

Peter gave an inward cheer as the final bell rang. Finally! He thought to himself as he grabbed his bag and prepared to leave. Time to go home and not think of any of this shit! He was almost out of the classroom when Mr. Sterling called his name.

"Hey Peter, can I chat with you for a quick sec?" Mr. Sterling was nice enough, but he wasn't exactly Peter's favorite teacher, mainly because he taught History and that was the one subject that wasn't easy for him. The fact that Peter didn't exactly try didn't really help either. Peter waved at Wade, telling him to wait for him outside.

"Uh, sure. What's up?" Mr. Sterling gave Peter a smile.

"Peter, I know you're more of a scientist than a historian and that's fine. We all have things that we're good at. But I've been very concerned with how you're doing in this class, especially after the last test. Report cards come out tomorrow and I just wanted to give you the head's up that I've requested to meet with your father."

I've request to meet with your father. Peter's brain short-circuited right at those words.


"You're not in trouble, Peter. I just want the three of us to sit down and see if we can figure out the best way to get you the help you need in this class. I want to see you succeed, Peter. I would hate to have to fail you. You know the saying, those who fail history—"

"—Are doomed to repeat it." Peter finished miserably. "Yeah, I'll let him know."

"Thanks Peter. I'll see you tomorrow." Mr. Sterling said cheerfully as Peter exited, looking like a man walking to his death.

"Sterling wants to meet with who?!" Gwen exclaimed as they walked home.

"You heard what I said. Mr. Sterling wants to meet with my dad, aka Tony Stark aka Iron Man." Peter said miserably. Wade gave a snort, earning a reproachful look from Peter.

"It's not funny, Wilson."

"Come on man, you have to admit, it's pretty hilarious. Can you imagine your dad having a parent-teacher conference with Mr. Sterling? I'd kill to see that." Wade chuckled. Gwen patted Peter on the back.

"It's okay Peter. Maybe Mr. Stark won't go. He doesn't seem like the parent-teacher type." Gwen said.

"Are you kidding me? He would totally go, if only because he'd know how much I'd hate it. And to ridicule Mr. Sterling for teaching a 'soft science." Peter scoffed.

"Well, Peter, it looks like you're stuck. Make sure you record it for me. I'm going to need the laugh after my dad sees my report card. Maybe you can put it on Youtube." Wade said, slapping him on the back.

Peter wanted to cry.

The next day

Peter raced home, praying to God that he was able to get to the mail before anyone else did. Yesterday, he decided he would play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong.

So far it had worked. Nobody had suspected a thing. Especially Tony and Mr. Sterling. Now, if he could just intercept his report card before Tony saw it, he would be in the clear.

He entered Stark Tower and made a beeline for the mailboxes. Heart racing, he carefully punched in the mail code for the Avengers' mailbox, praying that the school had addressed it to him and not Tony. The mailbox opened and Peter almost had a heart attack when he saw that it was empty.

"Shit!" Someone must have beaten him to the mail. Cursing his luck, he raced to the elevator, hoping that whoever got the mail had not saw the letter addressed To the parents of Peter B. Parker and placed it in Tony's mail slot. The elevator doors opened and Peter ran face-front into Thor's chest.

"Greetings, Peter Parker!" Thor greeted. Peter extracted himself before giving the Thunder God a dazed hello. Peter was about to excuse himself when he saw that Thor was holding the mail.

"Oh, good! You got the mail." Play it cool, Parker.

"Indeed, I have liberated these letters from its captor." Thor said proudly, holding up the assorted letters and magazines.

"Awesome, Thor. Hey, if you want, I'll sort them for you." Peter said, holding out his hands.

"But Peter Parker, it is my turn to sort the mail." Thor objected, holding the mail close to him.

"Don't worry about it, man. I'll do it for you. You go eat a Poptart or something." Peter hoped he didn't sound as desperate as he felt.

"Are you sure?" Thor asked, uncertain.

"Yeah dude, it's no big deal." Give me the mail!

"Well, alright." Thor gave Peter the mail. Finally! "I will sort the mail for you next time as repayment."

"It's no big deal. Go, enjoy a Poptart or something. I think Clint bought the Cookie Dough ones this time." Thor grinned before bounding off to the kitchen. Thank God.. Peter thought as he began leafing through the mail.

"Bills…Junk…Bills…Popular Mechanics…American Handgunner…GQ…Cosmo?!" Peter wrinkled his nose, before breaking out into laughter. So Natasha read Cosmo, eh? Blackmail! He continued going through the pile before finally coming across what he was looking for!

"Ah-ha! Found ya!" Peter exclaimed, holding the report card up like a trophy. Now to go destroy this, Peter thought gleefully. This was too easy.

"What do you have there, Peter." Shitshitshitshit. It was Loki. No wonder it was too easy. Peter quickly schooled his features before turning around to face Loki.

"H-hey, Mom….what's up?" Peter said, hoping he sounded calm.

"I wanted my mail." Loki said, looking down at the scattered pile.

"Oh, well, it's right there. Thor was supposed to sort it, but I think he got distracted by some Poptarts or something. I'm gonna go upstairs and do my homework, so I'll see you at di—"

"What is that in your hand?" Peter swallowed hard. The only thing worse than Tony finding out about the parent-teacher conference was Loki finding out.

"It's nothing. Just a letter." Peter said. Loki smirked. Shit.

"If it's nothing, then you should have no problem letting me see it." Now Peter was wishing that it were Tony who saw the letter. With much resignation, Peter passed Loki the report card. Carefully, Loki opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

"Ah, it seems 'nothing' is actually a report card." Loki said as he scanned over the sheet.

"Hmm…it seems in English, you have a B plus, in Physics an A plus, in Advanced Calculus an A plus, an A in Physical Education, and in History you have a D minus…" Loki read off. "And your teacher has requested a parent-teacher conference."

"Mom, please." Peter pleaded. Loki looked up from the report card, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I wonder what Daddy would have to say about this…"

"Mom, I'm serious. Please don't show Dad."

"Don't show Dad what?" Peter could have died right then and there. The aforementioned Dad came up behind Loki and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Ah, Tony. You're just in time. Peter has a letter for you." Loki said, smirking at Peter. Thanks, Mom Peter thought bitterly as Tony read over his report card.

"You got a D minus in History?!"

"It's still passing!" Peter protested. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Barely passing. Your teacher requested a conference." Tony said. Peter began to wonder which god in heaven he pissed off. He wouldn't be surprised if it was actually Loki.

"You're not gonna go are you?" Peter whined, praying that someone up there (hopefully Thor) would take pity on him and end him.

"You bet your ass I'm going. A D minus? Some kid genius you are." Tony said. Ouch.

"Well, gee, thanks, Dad." Peter sniffed.

"Jarvis, remind me tomorrow to call Peter's teacher." Tony said.

"It has been noted, sir." Jarvis answered. Peter groaned; this was going to be a disaster.

"And you, young man—" Seriously?! "—are grounded until further notice. No hanging out with your friends and no Spider-man."

"But Dad—"

"No son of mine is going to fail a soft science!"

"So when is this conference?" Loki asked, as they got ready for bed.

"It's next Tuesday at three-thirty. Why?" Tony asked suspiciously.

"Oh goody. I'm not doing anything so I should be able to make it." Loki said calmly.

"Oh no, there's no reason for you to go. I can handle this." Tony shook his head.

"I am the boy's mother. I believe it was addressed to the both of us. I want to go." Loki said, folding his arms across his chest. Tony swallowed hard. He hadn't really intended on going, just making Peter squirm. He was going to have Pepper call the teacher tomorrow and tell him that he couldn't do it. Tony Stark did not do parent-teacher conferences.


"No buts, Stark. I'm going." Loki said. Might as well fess up, Tony thought to himself.

"You may be going, but I wasn't. I don't do these things. I only said that to make Peter upset. Serves him right for getting a D." Tony said, dropping on to the bed.

"So…you were lying to him." Loki asked after a few moments of silence. Tony grimaced. Wrong thing to say to the man whose father had lied to him for the majority of his life.

"Yeah…I guess I did…" Tony said sheepishly.

"You were lying to our son…" Loki said dangerously.

"I mean…I guess I could go…" Tony backtracked quickly.

"That's what I thought. We will go together." Loki said finally.

Tony wanted to cry.

Yeah, stay tuned for Chapter 2!