Well, it's Steve turn for some quality time with Dani. I didn't manage to get in any great lines quite like immaculate conception, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!
Steve stood in one of the smallest rooms of the tower, holding Dani tight against his chest while trying to not hurt her. She was as terrified as he was, not that he would admit it to Tony or the rest of the team. He eyed the set up in front of him as Dani let out what could only be described as a small wail. Steve shut his eyes and scratched her between the ears, her favorite spot.
"I don't like this anymore than you do," he murmured as he shut the door. "But maybe if you would learn to stay out of trouble, this wouldn't have to happen."
It all started the morning Steve, Tony, Dr. Banner and Thor were all seated around the kitchen table. Clint was somewhere in Europe for the week on a small solo mission for Fury while Pepper was running errands with Darcy and Jane in the city. Tony and Dr. Banner were discussing different tests to run on Steve to test his tolerance to different types of alcohol when Natasha's shriek echoed through the tower, causing all the men to jolt. "The Widow sounds distressed," Thor said. Steve shook his head. Sometimes he wasn't the only one who stated the obvious.
"The Widow sounds distressed," Thor said. Steve shook his head. Sometimes he wasn't the only one who stated the obvious.
"Sir, it appears Miss Romanova is looking for you," JARVIS announced in his usual calm demeanor.
"Run," Dr. Banner muttered without looking up from his paper. Tony shot out of his chair and made a run for the elevator, only to find Natasha standing there, holding Dani away from her body toward Tony. Steve didn't think he'd ever seen her look so terrifying, and he had seen her at some pretty bad times.
Tony swallowed before speaking. "Hey, Natasha. Might I say you look rather beautiful when you're homicidal?"
"What is this?" Natasha pointed on a collection of what could only be described as blue goo sticking to the fur on Dani's paw. The cat kept trying to turn to lick it, but Natasha wouldn't let her.
"Oh that?" Tony ran his fingers through his hair. "It's an anti-aging cream Banner and I are developing for Clint. He's getting those crinkles around his eyes and he can't keep passing for someone who could get you…" Steve's eyes widened as Tony trailed off. When the man was digging himself a hole, he skipped the shovel entirely and just went for the drill.
Natasha took two steps forward, her heels the only audible sound in the room. Steve couldn't be sure, but he thought even Thor seemed terrified. Natasha held Dani out to Tony. Eyeing the animal as if she might be rigged to explode, Tony accepted her gently.
"Give her a bath." Natasha said. Without giving Tony time to respond, she turned on her heel and left the room.
Steve, Dr. Banner and Thor spent the next few hours on the couch, watching Tony attempt to give Dani a bath. When Clint arrived at the tower a few days later, the video already had seven million views on YouTube, and the scratches on Tony's chest had almost completely healed.
Since that day, Dani grown even more fascinated with the lab, and made every attempt to get into things Tony and Dr. Banner would rather she not. Soon, giving Dani a bath became a regular occurrence. Steve was the only one who hadn't had the misfortune of doing so, but the time had come.
Luckily, it wasn't the lab Dani had gotten into, but Steve's peanut butter and jelly sandwich (he should have taken JARVIS up on the offer to make him something. He probably wouldn't be in this situation) Tony and Pepper were in DC where she was visiting some of the doctors helping with removing the Extremis virus from her body. Clint and Natasha were both at the Hellicarrier, Dr. Banner was at a medical conference in Scotland, while Thor just so happened to be in Asgard.
Dani tried to make a run for somewhere, anywhere in the room that she could hide once JARVIS started running the water, but Steve held her tightly. He didn't like it anymore than she did.
"The water is at optimum temperature, Captain Rogers," JARVIS announced. "Best of luck, Sir."
"Thanks, JARVIS." Even the AI was abandoning him.
Steve stepped toward the tub, only to have Dani fight him more. He sighed, but he knew how she felt. When he was younger, his mom almost had to throw him into the tub in order to get him to bathe. To calm him down, she would sing to him.
Figuring it was worth a shot, Steve started to do the same. It wasn't the same song his mother sang to him, but one he felt was more appropriate to the situation. It was from one of the TV shows Tony made him watch to get accustomed to present times. Dani relaxed instantly, so Steve kept singing the same six lines until they left the bathroom.
Tony howled in laughter as he and Pepper walked to the car.
"Something humorous, Mr. Stark?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow.
Tony handed her his phone. "JARVIS sent this to me. Steve had to give Dani a bath."
Pepper held the phone up to her ear, trying to hear the meows, but instead, all she heard was Steve's voice.
"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…."
Pepper's eyes widened as she listened to him repeat the lines over and over. "Tony, did you…?"
"It's gotten 12 million views in half an hour, Pep."