She tried so hard to ignore it. She tried to do her work without her eyes raising toward it with a burning passion to find the nearest pair of scissors and cut it all off. Not professional, she kept telling herself. Not here, not at work.

All day, though, he seemed to be following her, trying to get her to notice. He'd constantly stick his face in hers, even if just to say hello, and her eyes would glare at it, and she'd try to ignore the urge, but she couldn't resist, she wanted to badly to yank it off...

That damned mustache.

"Colonel," Mustang said for probably the thousandth time that day.

"General," Riza returned through gritted teeth.

He leaned a hand easily on her desk and inspected his fingernails. "Soooo...anything new?"

"No, sir," she managed, resisting the urge to rip his fuzzy lip right off his face.

"Oh. Well, I've have a big revelation in my life recently."

"Is that so, sir?"

"Sure is. Riza ..." His eyes turned to her, deadpan, as he said huskily, "I can grow facial hair."

"That's good, sir," she nearly shouted, collecting a stack of papers and hoping to shake him off as she stood to leave.

"I don't think you understand." He whipped around and put his face a hair's width from hers. "I can grow facial hair," he whispered sensually. "I am a man."

"Good for you, sir." She really did shout this time, pushing him out of her way with her arm as she left.

"Riza!" he called, jogging after her. "Riza, I have a mustache! Am I desirable to you? Do you want me now? Can you control the pulsating desire within your groin?"

Riza stopped dead in her tracks, dropped her paperwork, and sexually ripped a gun out of a thigh holster that seemed to appear as quickly as her pants has disappeared. She shot a bullet through the floor, allowing the ballad of Satan to ring through the room. In that moment, I swear Riza's breasts grew to a size that was infinite. Roy was paralyzed by her insane sex appeal. Riza, however, stared Roy down and screeched, "Gettin' real tired of your shit, Roy!"

She aimed her gun expertly at his face. The skills of the Hawk's Eye were so extensive that when she fired, the bullet flew straight at Roy, then whizzed to the side, scraped at his lip, and buzzed off the hairs of his stupid mustache before twirling into the sun.

"I ain't puttin' up with none of your shit!" she bellowed. "I AM A STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN."

"My mustache!" Roy cried, reducing to a sobbing heap of tears. "My testosterone-filled fuzzy friend! O woeful day, o woeful day! How will I attract the ladies now?"

From the floor, the snipped remains of his mustache whispered into the winds, "But you didn't have to cut me off..."

Suddenly, Black Hayate acquired a sudden, strong sexual desire that stirred in the pit of his stomach and tingled in his nether regions. To fulfill his growing desires, the dog strolled promptly to Roy, urinated on his shoes, sprouted wings, and flew out the window. Meanwhile, Riza's pants were still missing in action, so, finding nothing better to do with her noticeably bare legs, she summoned a pole from the depths of hell and gave Amestris the best show they'd ever seen.


Did you appreciate my references to a pop culture, including a popular song, and modern and classic literature? Despite this being a satire, I wanted to keep it in my usual writing style, and I couldn't help but throw in a few allusions.