Devils Never Cry, They Merely Sniffle

By Kingdom of Deke

Summary: A parody of one of the best games ever. Simple, no?


We start off with a scene of Sparda against a fiery backdrop. Instead of the normal martial arts he starts to show off his dancing as the narrator speaks.

Narrator: Two millennia and a bit ago there was a war. A war between the human world and the other, The World of Unimaginable Evil and Morris Dancing.

As if on cue Sparda switches to Morris Dancing.

Narrator: Then someone from the demon world woke up not to justice, but the promise of 6 billion dollars and all the cream buns he could eat, and stood up to the legion of darkness alone. His name was Sparda, Darkest of the Dark Knights and Village Idiot Extraordinaire. After a long, bloody and terribly exciting battle, Sparda prevailed, chiefly due to the demons' incredible incompetence which dwarfed his not inconsiderable own. Afterwards he went on to live a life that was about as interesting and exciting as a book of Slovenian folk songs, fathering a pair of boys with a woman (well, duh). He proceeded to go down in history as the Legendary Legend, Sparda.

A few years later…

Midnight in the City of Lost Hope, more commonly known as New Jersey.  Focus on the moon as Trish descends at a rapid pace. Instead of slowing down as she nears the ground she actually speeds up, causing her to smash through the pavement and leave a Trish-shaped hole. A few seconds and many four-letter words later Trish pulls herself out of the hole and dusts herself down. A quick glance around the street allowed her to spot her target: the Devil May Cry building. Getting on a nicely placed motorbike she roared towards the front door.

Meanwhile, inside the Devil May Cry, erstwhile gumshoe Dante Sparda was taking a call.

Dante: Devil May Cry, you curse 'em, we kill 'em.

Caller: HELP! My cat Mittens is stuck in a high tree!

Dante (sitting to attention): A cat, eh? Does it have talons as sharp as a Damascus blade, fur as black as the darkest night in Hades and eyes as red as the hottest fires of hell?!?

Caller: Well…he is prone to peeing on the carpet every lunchtime…

Dante leaps to his feet.

Dante: GOOD LORD! I'll be right there! But first, give me the password.

Caller: Password?

Dante looks at the phone sadly before hanging it up. As he sits down a thought comes to him.

Dante: I probably should have come up with a password before asking someone for it…


Dante (looking at the door where the sound came from): Good thing I had the whole front of this place reinforced with titanium.

The front door opens, revealing a bruised Trish who pushed in a smashed motorbike. Dante takes a great interest upon seeing her.

Dante: Hellloooooooooooooo Nurse!

Trish (struggling to keep her shattered shades in place): Huh?

Dante: Nature calls? It's in the back.

Trish: Oh thank the Dark Lord! (off Dante's questioning look) The, um, Dark Lord of…Sunshine and Happiness…yeah.

Trish runs to the bathroom. Twelve minutes later she reemerges.

Trish: Ahhhh…that's what I get for having a bladder the size of a pea. Now, to business. I understand you're the handyman who'll take any dirty job, am I correct?

Dante: Almost. (Dante gets up and plucks the Force Edge off the wall, inadvertently ripping off the poster it was stuck to) I only take 'special' jobs, if you know what I mean.

Trish: You mean like this one?

Trish hands Dante a newspaper clipping, which screamed the headline "Albino Idiot Ruins Kids' Day Out" above a picture of Dante graphically killing the Teletubbies as some grade schoolers watch on horrified.

Dante: Ah…yes, well, there's a perfectly rational explanation for that…

Trish: Oh really? Let's see you explain THIS!

Trish grabs the Force Edge, sending a bolt of electricity through it. This is followed up by Trish whomping Dante's ass before grabbing the Force Edge and hurling it into his groin. To make matters worse, she proceeds to pump massive amounts of electricity into the unfortunate area through the Edge.

Trish: This is for Tinky-Winky!

She picks up the near wrecked motorbike and hurls it at Dante, who tries to whip out Ebony and Ivory but finds that his arms are too numb to respond. The bike crashes down on him.

Trish: Huh. That was…

Whatever Trish had to say was lost as the bike suddenly exploded, causing her to hit the deck. When she looked up again she saw Dante stride towards her, the Force Edge still stuck in his groin. Needless to say it was a bizarre sight.

Dante (very high pitched voice): Even as a child I had powers. There's demonic blood in me.

Trish stares at Dante for a moment longer before bursting out in hysterical laughter.

Dante: Stop that!

As she laughs Trish catches a glimpse of Dante's shadow on the wall. This causes her to nearly black out from laughing so hard. Annoyed, Dante grabs the Force Edge and rips it out. Male eyes the world over water in sympathy.

Three hours later…

Trish: Ha ha ha…oh my…(gets up) Anyway, despite this attempt to castrate you, I'm not your enemy. My name's Trish and I have a proposition for you.

Dante (eyes widen in happiness): REALLY?!

Trish: Not that sort of proposition you complete twat. I need you to help me destroy the World of Darkness!

At this Trish whips off the nearly destroyed shades. Dante stares in shock.

Dante: My god, y-you look exactly like…

Trish: Yes?

Dante: Baby Spice!

Trish: O_O

To be continued…

Next week:

Trish: I take it your not keen on visiting the Underworld then?

Dante: Of course I'm not! I'm about as popular there as a Nazi at a bar mitzvah.

See you then!