Mission 3: The Phantom Idiot

Mission 3: The Phantom Idiot

Easy one this time, Dante me laddo. Simply retrieve the Pride of Lion from the altar.

Dante: And that's it? No tricks?

No tricks. And certainly no giant, lava filled demonic spiders who want to rip you limb from limb. No sirree!

Dante: YAHOO!

Dante runs into the room, which consists of super bendy pillars and an altar with the Pride of Lion floating above it. Smirking, Dante walked over to the altar and reached for the tablet.

Dante: Hmmm, somehow this seems too easy…but what the hey! Easy's good!

The second Dante touches the Pride of Lion, he is shot backwards by a powerful beam of light. He crashes through the double doors behind him and ends up on a bridge leading to a small round platform.

Dante: Ugh…well, I guess I had that coming.

Dante gets to his feet and walks toward the platform. Upon reaching it he sees a plaque set into the middle of the platform and proceeds to read the words inscribed on it.

Dante: "If thou seeks the Pride of Lion, thou must walk back the path and prove that thou is indeed the Machoest of Macho Men. P.S., at no point dost this trial involve being struck by lightning and falling into the sea to be attacked by giant demonic skulls."

Dante mulls over this new information.

Dante: "Machoest"…?

And so our intrepid demon hunter backtracked towards the castle.

Dante: Well, this is nice. The cool sea breeze, the beautiful sunset…


Dante (well-done): …the large bolt of lightning which struck the top of my head. Yep, paradise.

The bridge chooses this moment to collapse, dunking Dante in an underwater corridor. Thanks to the fact that the only swimming technique Dante was an expert at was the Anchor Stroke, he had no choice but to follow the corridor to a coliseum-like area. Upon entering, the exit was sealed off and a pack of fearsome Sargasso was released. Realizing that he was in for a fight, Dante drew Alastor and braced himself as one of the abominations opened its foul mouth wide and…

Sargasso 1: Did'ja see the Bears game last night?

…immediately began yakking, much to Dante's bemusement.

Dante: Wha?

Sargasso 1: Oh, sport's not your thing? Well, did'ja see what Jordan was wearing at the premiere on Tuesday? What a ho!

Sargasso 2: Dude, I know! And do ya know who she's dating now?

Dante watches the mindless banter for a few minutes, his blank expression giving way to one of horror as he realizes what's going on.

Dante: Annoying…gossip…killing…brain cells! Will…to live…slipping…fast! Must…KILL!

Alastor: Yip…yip!

(Insert scene of bloodcurdling violence here)

Back in the cathedral, we see a soaking wet Dante smash the doors open and stomp over to the altar over which the Pride of Lion floated. Dante looks at it for a moment before quickly grabbing the P.O.L. from the light beam, which promptly shut down. Suddenly, Alastor starts to vibrate in order to warn Dante of impending doom. Unfortunately, Dante mistook it for something more…pleasurable.

Dante: Ooh! Didn't know it could do that.

Alastor: Yip yip!

Luckily, Phantom chooses this moment to drop from the ceiling, sparing the reader any more horrifying images. Turning around, Dante watched as the demonic spider waddled up to him, clad in a droopy fishing hat, a fishing vest and with a box of bait strapped to his back. Phantom eyes Dante critically for a moment before snorting derisively.

Phantom: Phah! Another small one! I sensed something a little bigger! What a disappointing catch!

Dante stares at Phantom blankly.

Phantom: Ya get it? Catch? Small one? Me wearing all sorts of fishing paraphernalia?

Dante continues to stare blankly.

Phantom: Hmmph. Damn humans, never getting my highly evolved demon humor. Why, I…(sniffs Dante) Wait a second…you're the bastard that killed my children!

Dante: Who, me?

Phantom: Yes, you! I'd recognize that stench anywhere, seeing as how the air over THE CRUSHED CORPSES OF MY KIDS was full of it!

Dante: But it wasn't me! It was…um…my identical twin brother Etnad! Yeah, that's it…

Phantom: Was it? Oh, well, I'm sorry for…HEY!

Dante: What?

Phantom: You don't have an identical twin brother! You just made him up and gave him a backwards version of your name!

Dante: …There's no legal proof of that.

Phantom: I'm going to enjoy this! This is for you, Timmy! And for you, Timothy! And especially for Tim, Timmy 2, Timantha, Timchel, Timbolena, Timella…

Four hours later…

Phantom: …Tim-Tim and last but not least, Tim-Chan. Now, Dante, prepare to…HEY!

Phantom turns around to see Dante sneaking towards the exit. Dante turns at the sound of the spider's voice.

Dante: Sorry. I thought you were going to keep going for a few more hours.

Phantom: Well, I wasn't. Now prepare to be incinerated by my mighty fire powers!

Dante: Mighty, eh? Mighty enough to destroy that pillar?

Phantom: Of course!

Phantom destroys the pillar Dante is pointing at with his flame breath.

Dante: Impressive. But is it mighty enough to blow a hole in the ceiling?

Phantom: That's not even a challenge!

Phantom blows a hole in the ceiling.

Dante: Cool. Still, I bet you couldn't destroy the floor beneath you.

Phantom: Oh yeah? Watch THIS!

Phantom aims at the floor beneath him and fires. The floor is oblivionized, leaving a large gaping hole right beneath Phantom.

Phantom: …Damn it.

Dante gives Phantom a little good-bye wave as the spider falls into the hole screaming. Six minutes later a loud, satisfying crash is heard. Smiling, Dante makes his way to the exit when a poorly acted voice drifts from the other door.

???: Daaaaaaaannnteeee! Daaaaaaaaannnteeee!

Curious, Dante exited the cathedral through that door. There, floating over the suspended-in-midair pieces of the bridge was Takajo, the Oni matriarch from Onimusha 2.

Dante: Whoa! A beautiful woman with a snake's tail for a body!

Dante thinks about this.

Dante: Why am I thinking of a Lemon all of a sudden?

Takajo: Daaaaaannnteeee…yooooo must leeeeap intoooo the abyss and compleeeete the seeeecret mission…

Dante: …Okaaaaay. Now what is that in English?  

Takajo (speaking normally): That WAS English, you clown! It's not my fault they couldn't get a decent English language actress to play me. Speaking of which, why am I speaking English? I live in feudal JAPAN for cryin' out loud! 

Dante: Well…I'll be, uh, going now…

Dante leaps into the sea.

Takajo: Insensitive bastard.

Takajo disappears.

To be continued…



This week: Sargasso, Phantom and special guest demon Takajo.


A millennia ago, Mundus had an epiphany. Realizing that it wasn't enough to merely inflict unspeakable physical pain on his victims, he concocted a means to destroy their sanity and break their souls. Thus were born the Sargasso.

The Sargasso are the souls of people who had literally talked others to death by discussing matters which interested them and no other person on the planet. Upon their death, Mundus fashioned each of them into a ghostly skull, after which they could float around tormenting their victims with news of who's dating whom and what a sports manager should've done to win a big game. Despite their fearsome powers, they are easily destroyed by a well-executed sword combo or gun blast.


One of Mundus highest-ranking demons, Phantom has the strength of fifty bulls, the stamina of a thousand finely honed athletes and the mental functions of a deformed guppy. Phantom's incredibly thick hide prevents damage from being inflicted on his person, but like a boss in any Sonic the Hedgehog game you could care to mention, he inexplicably keeps revealing a weak point and inviting an enemy to stick something nice and pointy in there. His inner body is composed entirely of lava, making Phantom indispensable when winter comes rolling in.


The Oni mother of oddball swordsman Jubei Yagyu, Takajo is also the owner of a laughably bad English voice ("Deeeefeeeet da deeeeeemons, Joooooobei") and quite possibly the funkiest hat in the history of video games. Her fighting skills seem to fluctuate wildly, as one minute she can strike down a master swordsman, the next she's helpless against a giant pig in a dress. Her appearance in this fic is completely pointless, save for trying to get a few cheap laughs.