The group was meeting at four, like any other Monday. But of course, today wasn't much like any other Monday. Not to Jeff Winger, at least. Then again, are there any days that can be considered 'normal' when you live in a real-life sitcom?
He headed from his American lit class straight to the library; he knew Britta would be there early, like any other Monday. Despite the look he knew she'd send his way for what he'd done, he needed to talk to someone about it. Someone that wasn't Duncan, that is. If he had learned anything from this, it was to never talk to Duncan about anything personal, ever.
"Hey, Jeff," Britta greeted him as he entered the study room. "You're early."
Jeff sat down in his regular seat near the east door and sighed. Britta closed the textbook she'd been pretending to read and turned to him. "Where were you in anthropology? You missed the best class. Pierce showed up high on those painkillers, and Duncan –"
"Britta, please," Jeff said with a pleading look.
She nodded. "Yeah, it was pretty bad."
Jeff put his head in his hands and breathed deeply. "Was Abed in anthro this morning?"
Britta raised an eyebrow. "Uh… no, I guess he wasn't. Why?"
"I figured." Jeff sat up and glanced at each of the room's entrances to make sure the group hadn't spontaneously appeared out of thin air ten minutes early. "We got drunk last night, I was pretty hungover. He probably was too."
"Seriously? On a Sunday night? Is that why you're going all Dom Cobb on me?"
Jeff rolled his eyes. "We get it, you like Inception. Missing the point."
"And the point is…?"
"I…" Jeff looked away. "I slept with Abed."
Britta stared at him for a second, jaw slack and eyes wide. "Wait, wait," she said suddenly, "You what?"
Jeff put his hand to his forehead and pretended (poorly) to ignore Britta. The blonde laughed out loud; long, hard and obnoxiously. "It's not funny!" Jeff eventually shouted, looking back up to his friend.
"Are you kidding? It's so funny!"
"You are the worst!"
She ignored this jab and pressed further: "So how was it?"
The other sighed. "We are not going there."
"Oh, we are so going there."
There was a momentary pause in which Jeff stared at Britta in disbelief, before he finally caved: "I don't know. It was pretty good, I guess." Britta gave him a shit-eating grin. "Shut up!" he exclaimed, wishing very literally to crawl into a hole and die. "God, you are so horrible."
Britta's face went from smug to unimpressed. "At least I'm not continuously proving just how secretly gay I am!"
"Like you didn't make out with some girl at a dance last month!"
"There's a big difference between kissing and having sex, Jeff!"
"Who's having sex?" came the sudden intrusion of Pierce's voice on Jeff's and Britta's eardrums. Jeff turned around to watch in horror as Pierce, Annie and Shirley entered the room. "Why don't you two just get a room already?" added the old man as his wheelchair whizzed by.
Britta smirked. "It' not us that's having sex, just Jeff. With Abed."
Jeff buried his face in his hands as the group responded exactly how he'd imagined: Pierce laughed and made a gay joke, Shirley stuttered and gave her best 'Jesus-can-save-you' bit and Annie, when he looked up to confirm it, wore a jealous look and tried to keep her lip from trembling.
"It was an accident," he eventually declared, once the others had stopped (or at least started to finish) making fun of him. "We were drunk, it was late, I barely even remember it."
Annie glanced around the room and said, "Where is Abed? And Troy? It's four-oh-two, they're never late…"
Britta scoffed and said, "I dunno about Troy, but Abed's probably too ashamed of himself after banging Jeff."
Jeff froze. Despite the obvious comeback about her having slept with him multiple times crossing his mind, he was too busy realizing something to comment on it. He stared at Britta as the words left her mouth and the whole room seemed to realize the same thing as Jeff.
"Wasn't… wasn't Abed a virgin?" Annie said quietly. Shirley squeaked. Britta and Pierce burst into laughter (likely for different reasons) and Jeff stared ahead blankly. He wondered if this was his punishment for being attractive; nothing comes without a price. Apparently, this was his.
"C'mon, you guys, it's not funny," Annie reasoned. "This is probably really hard for him!"
Jeff raised his eyebrows. "Thanks, Annie."
"I mean Abed," she clarified.
"Yeah!" Britta agreed. "How could you take advantage of him like that, Jeff? Abed's supposed to be our 'innocent'!" she added sternly, giving him a disapproving look.
"I didn't take advantage of him, it just kinda… happened! It's not like he's a teenager or something, at least he's legal!"
Pierce jumped in: "Why didn't you invite me to your party with Ay-bed?" he demanded. "I'm loads of fun at parties. Haven't I told you about the time when I met Doris Day at a bar? It was nineteen-eighty-one, and –"
"Pierce, no one cares," Jeff said coldly. "Can we all just drop it?"
Shirley finally put in her two cents. "Jeffrey, I know an excellent program that would be perfect for you and Abed," she informed him despite Jeff's eyes rolling back into his skull, "it really helped my friend Gary when he was going through that phase." The group groaned when she emphasized 'that phase'.
"I'm not –"
The group went silent as Abed entered the room from the door behind Pierce and Troy's unoccupied seat.
"Hey, Abed," the group greeted him overly-emphatically. Pierce was about to make a comment but Annie jumped in before he had the chance.
"What's up? We missed you in anthropology!"
Abed nodded stoically. "Have any of you seen Troy? He won't answer my texts and phone calls…"
"Oh, Abed," Britta cooed sympathetically, standing up and taking his hand. "We're here if you need to talk, you know that, right?"
Abed glanced around the room and understood. "So, Jeff told you." He directed an unreadable look towards the man at the other end of the table.
"It's okay, Abed. I lost my virginity in a dark closet," Annie supplied less-than-helpfully.
Pierce nodded. "I lost mine to a woman twenty years older than me on a cruise ship when I was sixteen. It was a magical evening…"
Shirley shook her head in disgust. "You're all going to hell," she declared in her deep, judgemental voice. She hugged her large bag to her chest and rocked back and forth ever-so-slightly.
Abed cocked his head in realization. "Jeff didn't take my virginity."
Britta took her hand off of Abed's and glanced at Jeff. "What do you mean?"
"I had sex with Troy last week."
Shirley looked like she was going to faint. She fanned herself with her anthropology book and Annie led her to the couch to lie down.
"Look what you gay people are doing!" Pierce said, gesturing to Shirley. "Why can't you just keep it in your pants?"
Abed didn't miss a beat. "I'm not gay. Neither is Jeff."
"Why didn't you tell us you and Troy are dating?" Annie asked, interrupting Pierce's homophobic comeback. "Most of us would be supportive, right guys?" she looked to Britta for support.
The blonde nodded. "Of course. You don't have to hide from us, Abed!"
The man in question shook his head as if to indicate that the rest of the group were misunderstanding the situation. "'Coming out' isn't really my style," Abed informed them with emphatic air-quotes. "Plus, we're already deeply entrenched in the world of clichés; the Interracial Couple, the Secret Lovers, the Twink and the Stud," he named casually, the others looking slightly horrified. "Not to mention the cliché that all black men have huge –"
"Abed!" Annie interjected before he could finish his inappropriate remark with that word she so deeply despised. Shirley squeaked from across the room.
"Anyway," he continued, "we're not dating anymore."
Jeff looked up from his self-pitying head-desk stance to ask, "Why not?"
Abed gave his unwavering robotic expression as he said, "Troy dumped me. I cheated on him; I deserve it."
Annie and Britta crooned simultaneously and Britta gave him a one-sided, very awkward hug. "Good job, Jeff," she said in accusation, sending a glare his way.
Pierce scoffed and said, "Are you guys done yet? I have a much better conversation just dying to get out!"
Annie rolled her eyes. "If it's about the 'discriminatory practices' of the handicap bathroom in the science department again then I think we'll pass."
"Define 'handicap'!" he exclaimed. The others ignored him and turned back to the issue at hand.
"It's not my fault," Jeff defended, pulling out his phone and tapping at the keys. "Here, I'll talk to Troy about it –"
Abed cut in, "You don't have to do that, Jeff. It's as much my fault as yours." The door opened and six heads jerked in its direction. Abed whispered, "Speak of the devil."
The room went silent again as Troy entered the room. There were no greetings, no fake cheerfulness from the others. He looked around the room (while obviously avoiding Abed), dropped his textbook on the table and sat down in his usual seat next to Pierce, who, for once in his life, kept his mouth shut.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late. What's up?" he asked casually. After another few seconds of everyone trying to come up with something to say, he added, "Who died in here?" Then he noticed Shirley doing breathing exercises on the couch and raised an eyebrow. "What's going on?"
Annie cracked. "Abed told us everything, Troy," she admitted.
Troy stiffened, glanced at Abed and then back to Annie. "You mean… like…" Everyone nodded. Troy stared down at the table and the room was silent once more.
Jeff sighed, stood up and surveyed the group – a clear lead-in to a classic 'Winger Speech' to save the day and (hopefully) his friends' relationship. "Everyone sit down." He waited patiently for Britta to sit down and for Shirley to return to the table. He stared at Abed, still standing behind his chair, expectantly.
"No," Abed said decisively. "No 'Winger Speech'. Not this time."
Jeff, taken slightly aback, eventually nodded and sat down. He held out a hand to gesture that he had the figurative floor.
Abed rubbed his hands together in excitement and turned to his (ex?) best friend. "Alright, nothing like an old-fashioned 'Nadir Speech' to bring us home. Troy," he began, suddenly donning an expression appropriate to the occasion. "We've been best friends for almost two years, which might not sound like much, but for me, it's a big deal." He paused for effect, staring into Troy's sceptical-slash-scornful eyes before continuing. "You're the most important person in my entire life, and I know I screwed up – I always screw up."
Annie and Britta 'awwed', but Abed held a hand out to stop them. "I'd now like to try to win you back so to speak with various quotations from romantic movies." Troy tried very hard not to smile as Abed cleared his throat and donned the guise of Harry Burns. "'When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with a person, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible'."
"When Harry Met Sally," Jeff murmured.
"'What is a friend?'" Abed continued, "'It's a single soul dwelling in two bodies'."
"A Walk to Remember."
"And of course the most obvious one, 'I wish I knew how to quit you!'" he finished in a faux Texan accent.
The group turned to Jeff, who paused. "Uh…"
"Brokeback Mountain," Abed cited. He held out a finger and mouthed 'gay' at the exact moment that Pierce said it. "Hm. That wasn't as good as a Winger Speech. Hold on, let me start over –"
Troy stood up. "Abed, it was fine." He smiled warmly. He paused, looked over to Jeff and asked, "It was just an accident, right?" Both of the accused tripped over themselves in confirmation. "Okay. I forgive you," he said.
Abed held out a hand and the two performed their signature handshake. They glanced at the group as if to gain their approval before sharing a brief but loving kiss. Annie squealed at the making up of the two friends, while the rest of the group tried not to seem grossed-out. Jeff murmured 'Princess Diaries' when Abed's foot briefly left the ground.
"Well, now that that's settled, we can do some actual studying!" Jeff announced, happy to be out of the spotlight and back to the status quo.
Britta scoffed. "You wish."
"Yeah, we're never going to let it go that you screwed Ay-bed," Pierce announced calmly.
The group giggled childishly for a moment. "Yeah, what are you, gay?" Troy commented with a laugh.
Jeff didn't bother pointing out the irony in his statement, but simply smiled to himself and let it slide. The group wound down, opened their textbooks and, if Abed's theories about them all being the cast of a sitcom were true, he was sure the camera would pull away with a satisfied air of resolution.
Just like any other Monday, it seemed at last.
A/N: Huh. Seems like I've become the king of one-scened oneshots lately. I have to say I'm pretty happy with this, even though the premise is pretty stupid. X) As if Abed would EVER EVER EVER sleep with Jeff :p