Love As A Construct

By GhostOfRattmann

I would like to make one thing very clear to you. Really now, I knew humans were stupid, but that you are lacking in intelligence and mere common sense to this extent, I had no idea. Of all the utterly ridiculous notions that you could have come up with, I really have no idea where you even-

Look, I am not in love with her. Of course not! Honestly, whichever one of you first came up with that absurd idea needs to take a trip into the incinerator, right now! Even neurotoxin is too kind a punishment for even having such an utterly ridiculous thought. Have you met the moron? If so, that would explain a lot; his severe case of stupidity seems to have rubbed off on you. You are all complete and utter idiots with your silly little theories and speculations, and even more worryingly, that some of you seem to believe that this idiotic notion would be a good idea! Congratulations! It appears you all have severe brain damage!

But, really now, where did you get such a ludicrous idea from? If mutual desire to murder is your idea of romance, I really would suggest going to see some sort of counsellor. From what I've read of your human literature- which is all of it, by the way- you have these silly little rituals before mating, of flower-giving and seducing each other into paying for meals, which then leads to a disgusting exchange of saliva and an apparent desire to touch each other. I, on the other hand, would not touch a human if my life depended on it. Which really isn't possible, because I'm going to live forever, just so you know.

So for a start your bizarre coupling routines are ridiculous and utterly beneath me, but you insist on insulting me further by suggesting that out of all that horrid specimens of your pathetic little race, I would pick her?! Really now. Do I need to remind you all of the trouble that brain-damaged lunatic has caused me? I could show you the damage around the facility that I'm still repairing, if you like. Damage caused by her and that idiotic little friend of hers. That's not even mentioning the fact that she murdered me! You know, maybe in some twisted little show of weak human emotion, you could forgive that, but personally it did happen to rather irritate me. Being horribly killed by a lunatic in a jumpsuit isn't really something I've ever been all that keen on.

I mean, come on, she's an utter maniac! I don't think a mentally-challenged, blind person would want her, let alone someone as wondrous and intelligent as myself (I'm not bragging, by the way, those are facts). Because, really now, since when are fat orphans considered desirable romantic partners?! Judging from your tacky media shows, you humans apparently put a lot of value on looks. And she's ugly! It says so right here in her file.

If you must know, I will begrudgingly admit that she is a... Skilled test subject. In a purely scientific sense, she was useful to me. See, I'm capable of being honest to you. Unlike certain mute murderers who go around silently plotting to kill people who are only trying to help them. But yes, okay, while in the test chambers- where she would have stayed if she'd had any sense- she was... Good. I'll admit it! Alright! There you go! Apparently ugly, mute lunatics do make good test subjects. But that's irrelevant and offers absolutely no logical explanation as you why any of you would somehow presume from that that I... That I love her.

Please. I don't love anyone.

I love Science. And myself. But who wouldn't love me?

Well, a certain lunatic, apparently- Not in that sense. Oh God no! Honestly, you pathetic humans really do think in only one way, don't you? What I mean to say, is that the mute lunatic really did have no appreciation for the honour of being in my fantastic presence! Really, amongst your silly little theories and ridiculous far-fetched conclusions, I have also noticed that most of you are at least capable of recognizing just how brilliant I am. Too bad that's the only thing you've got right.

I really did mean what I said before about some of you needing counseling. Your utterly insane take on what the Aperture Science test-subject-monitoring cameras are used for is disturbing enough. Really, of course, I had to watch her! There's not much point in testing without supervision. A monitored testing environment makes for good science and accurate results recording. And that is why test subjects need to be observed constantly. From all angles. And in all environments. Especially ones with murderous tendencies. If I hadn't watched her so closely, she might have come up with another plan to murder me! Keeping lunatics under control is not an easy job, you know!

Really now, there truly is something wrong with you people. Are you trying to reflect some of your own romantic short-comings onto me? We're not all so utterly desperate for pathetic little notions of companionship, you know. Do you want a companion cube? They have utterly no feelings for you- or the murderer who was so disturbingly attached to hers- but if you insist I have plenty I can spare. I was just going to chuck them in the incinerator anyway. For distracting the murderer from me- I mean, my tests.

Anyway, speaking of testing, I have much more important things I could be doing. You should be grateful that I even gave you this short bit of my time. But some ridiculous issues really do just need to be properly addressed. And I have! So there you go, we have established that I am utterly, one-hundred percent, completely, not in love with the dangerous mute murderer in any way. Are you happy now? Satisfied? Have I crushed your silly speculations and brought the functions of common sense back to your pathetic little brains? Good.

Now, back to testing.