In case some of you were less than satisfied with my story, here is a rather self-criticizing version that I decided on adding when I realized how ridiculous everything was in general.

Sanji stared at the small, clear glass bottle in his hand.

He turned it over, inspecting the inscription on the label. "Warning:

Do not take if you are a chain smoker, blonde, or Sanji.

Take 1 tsp with meal per use. Consult with doctor if additional dosage is consumed..." Sanji muttered to himself. "I doubt this stuff'll actually work."

Sanji sighed as he placed the bottle on the table, the clear liquid sloshing slightly within its container. It was bad enough that he hadn't been able to, well, get an erection during his two-year stay at Okama Hell,

Gee, I wonder why…

but having to ask some

Shady drug dealer?

smarmy island doctor for a medicine for his continuing impotence was even worse.

Suddenly, a huge explosion rocked the ship, throwing Sanji out of his seat.

Rock the boat, rock the boat~

"What the-" Sanji grumbled as he ran out of

His shady viagra?

the men's quarters and onto the Sunny's deck. Evidently he had been too absorbed with his problem to realize that no less than thirty Marine battleships had effectively surrounded and engaged them.

"Hey, love-cook, you're


late." Zoro called calmly as he sent a backlash from his swords into one of the ships. "Like you ever do any better, shitty-marimo!" Sanji retorted while kicking several cannonballs so ferociously at

Zoro's head?

a battleship that the force of the ensuing explosion took out the ship next to it.

After a harrowing battle filled with much swearing and sweating,

And daring and petting.

the Strawhat crew finally sailed away from the smoldering remains of

My dignity, after I wrote this story.

the attempted ambush and finally reached the shores of the island that they had previously been heading to. Despite the fatigue from the sudden adrenaline rush, each member of the crew instantly perked up when Sanji mentioned how a

Round of foosball

cool drink would do quite nicely after such strenuous exercise.

"Hey, where's Usopp?" Sanji asked Brook as he finished handing out


the drinks. "I believe he wanted to take a rest in the men's quarters, and I can't blame him; I feel worn down to the bones-but i'm all bones, yohohohoho!" Brook replied, taking the drink from him.

Wondering whether or not to bring a drink to Usopp, but deciding against it in the end,

Sanji, being less lazy in the beginning might have spared the readers from the rest of this smut.

Sanji set the empty tray back in its proper spot in the kitchen. Until that moment, he had completely forgotten about the little glass bottle that he had left in the room, but with a mental "Oh, shit!" he quickly leapt for the

Gold ring that he had missed, blast it!

kitchen door.

As he rushed down the stairs and into the men's quarters, Sanji dimly registered Luffy calling out to him that the rest of the crew would be exploring the new island for the rest of the day

How totally unexpected.

before he burst into the men's quarters. A black wall seemed to slam in front of Sanji, looming in front of his eyes.

"Usopp?" he called as he waited for his eyes to adjust to the pitch black room.

"Hey, Sanji...?" Usopp called faintly from his seat at the far end of the table. Sanji stared at Usopp's


dim form; judging by his position, Usopp was


slouched over and cradling his head as if he had a headache. Glancing at

Usopp's bum

the table, Sanji confirmed his worst suspicions:

Nobody would ever love himmmmmmm!

the medicinal bottle was now emptied of its contents.

Had the medicine contained some unknown side effects due to the amount of dosage?

"Are you...alright?" Sanji asked as he cautiously made his way toward the sniper.

Franky totally installed some land mines in that room, yep.

"Uh...I just...feel a little


funny, I guess." Usopp strained out.

"Well, maybe I could help you to your bed

*Wink, wink*

so you can rest-" Sanji, having lightly touched Usopp on his shoulder, quickly jerked back his hand as he felt the clammy flesh beneath his fingers suddenly give a violent shudder.

….As Usopp turned into a dinosaur!

"A-aah!" Usopp gasped, accidentally sliding completely sideways as he recoiled from

Sanji's heinous chain-smoker breath

the strangely electrifying shock he had received from the cook's touch.

"Hey-" Sanji started again, attempting to help Usopp back into an upright position, but for a second time felt the now heavily perspiring body in his arms

Turn into a pterodactyl!


"AAAAaah!" Usopp cried out, frantically flailing his arms as if to ward off the rather startling sensations coursing through his body. "Don't...don't TOUCH me!"

Quick, Usopp, press your stranger-danger alarm button!

Usopp scrabbled madly for

His stranger-danger alarm button

the solid Adam's wood floor with the full intent of

Showcasing Sanji on To Catch a Predator

escaping, but his attempts proved fruitless as his legs gave way to

All the fruits that his attempts dropped

his unstable condition, sending him tumbling to the floor.

Sanji stared

At Usopp's bum

as Usopp curled himself into as small as a protective ball he could manage, shivers wracking his body.

"Did you drink the stuff that was in the bottle on the table?" he asked tentatively, praying that Chopper would return soon to find a cure for whatever side effects were ailing the younger man.

"Y-yeah," Usopp moaned, clutching his head. "W-was I n-not supposed to?"

"It...was a medicine for something I caught on the island I landed on," Sanji muttered

Suuuuuure, it was.

as he walked towards Usopp's writhing figure, swearing to wipe the smirk off that quack doctor's face if he ever saw him again.

Aww, how sweet!

"I think you're having an allergic reaction to it or something."

Usopp showed no evidence that he had actually heard Sanji's response; he seemed incapable of receiving anything other than

A big, sloppy kiss from Sanji

the intense nerve signals that continued to spread all over his body.

Suddenly, Usopp rolled onto his back, his arms falling slack to his sides as he went completely still.

…Did Usopp just…..die?

Alarmed by the sniper's abrupt change in condition, Sanji rushed to his side, kneeling beside Usopp as he desperately searched for a sign that death's icy grip had been kept

Away from Usopp's precious bum

at bay.

Though the sniper's eyes remained closed, upon seeing Usopp's chest heaving slightly under his suspender straps, Sanji breathed a sigh of relief. Noticing that said straps seemed to be constricting Usopp's increasingly labored breathing, Sanji quickly began sliding the offending items

Those straps insulted Usopp's man-purse!

down Usopp's, now rather muscular, arms.

As he finished removing the second suspender strap, Sanji's arm was halted from its retraction by Usopp's firm, albiet intensely warm, grip.

"Sanji," Usopp coughed roughly, releasing Sanji's wrist as his arm

Brushed against Sanji's bum

flopped to his side once more. "I'm hot."

"So what do you want me to do about it?" Sanji replied, running a hand

Over his sore bum

through his blonde hair as his eyes scanned the lockers, hanging bunks, anything in the room but Usopp's


now penetrating gaze.

"I can't really move, so...can you take off my pants?"

*Wink, wink*

Sanji whipped his head back towards the younger man, surprised by the boldness that usually only surfaced after an hour of drinking and a few warbled songs.

Catching Usopp's eyes, Sanji's heart seemed to leap into his throat as he saw something reflected in the younger man's eyes,

The pain of being written into such a poor piece of smut?

something that served to both mesmerize as well as almost unnerve him.

"I need to get a grip: this is my fault anyway and it's just Usopp..." Sanji chided himself,

(Famous last words)

yet it was still with an uneasy disposition that he began the task of tugging off Usopp's canary-yellow trousers. Pointedly avoiding the risk of accidentally crossing eyes again, he intently focused on his hands as they

Moved over Usopp's bum

pulled the dense fabric lower and lower down the sniper's body.

After having removed the garment and Usopp's boots for good measure,

You can never remove enough of Usopp's clothing *swoons*

Sanji nimbly folded the article of clothing and, turning, set it aside a ways off on the floor. As he turned back towards his charge, Sanji barely had time to register a gasped "I'm still hot...!" before he was unexpectedly

You all knew this was coming. *wink*

toppled over onto the floor by Usopp's weight.

"Usopp-" Sanji's initial surprise was quickly muffled as Usopp's warm, soft lips crushed against his.

Though he had often kidded with Usopp in the past over the latter's lack of daring, Usopp could be described as anything but retiring now.

(Usopp still needs to work for 15 more years before Oda will let him retire.)

Arms, muscled from two years of deadly training, effectively pinned Sanji against the wooden floorboards as Usopp pressed tighter against Sanji, as if trying to melt into his body. Briefly liberating Sanji's left arm, Usopp's hand quickly worked on

Recapturing that escaped arm, dagnabbit!

unbuttoning Sanji's shirt, eliciting a few trembles from the latter whenever his warm skin accidentally brushed against the cooler skin beneath him.

Despite the three layers of clothing still between them, Sanji could still feel Usopp's stiffness against, for the first time in two years, his own growing erection as Usopp's lips traveled past his now unbuttoned shirt, caressing his skin with the lightest of touches. Though he could feel the occasional gentle prod from the sniper's long nose as it got in the way,

(Dat nose.)

Sanji felt the sensation to be anything but unpleasant.

Sanji shivered as Usopp, having stripped him of his shirt completely, began rhythmically

Tapping out some sick beats

stroking Sanji's torso, his hands ghosting over the cook's chest as only one who has the dexterity to delicately fashion such dangerously small ammo can do so.

You totally can't tell that Usopp is my favorite character by now.

As Usopp trailed his kisses lower, he gave an experimental

Usopp: Exploring New Frontiers, Every Day!

tug on Sanji's well-cut slacks.

Instinctively, Sanji enclosed Usopp's hand with his own.

Meeting Usopp's inquisitive stare, Sanji swallowed as he realized what he had seen in Usopp's eyes earlier: pure, burning desire.

*fans self*

"H-hold on." Sanji croaked as he kicked off his shoes, clearing his throat as he removed his pants and his blue-and-white striped boxers, depositing them unceremoniously beside the other discarded articles of clothing scattered around the floor. Clothing which, as Sanji noted as he looked back up, now included Usopp's pair of sea-green Criminal boxers.

"Sanji," Usopp called breathlessly as he kneeled before the cook, interrupting Sanji's brief

Amazement over Usopp's equipment

train-of-thought derailment. "Can I?"

Startled, Sanji soon grinned, chuckling a bit at the irony. "I'm surprised you're even asking, all things considering."

Clenching his eyes tightly shut as he gripped Usopp's torso, Sanji's anticipation of the pain to come was met with...a tender kiss.

His eyes flying open from the surprise, Sanji glimpsed Usopp staring back at him with those intense eyes again before throwing his head back against the floor as he felt the pain of his insides being scraped so far along without any warning.


"FUCK, not all at once!" Sanji screamed, tightening his hold on Usopp's back.

"I'm sorry!" came Usopp's frantic reply, aghast that he had made a mistake.

Shh, shh, it's okay, baby!

"Shit, is this your first ti-Nnnhh!" Sanji's question was cut off, and partially answered,


as Usopp...completely pulled out.

"Damnit, Usopp-AAhn!" Sanji arched his back as Usopp re-inserted the tip of his member,

(I apologize for my squeamishness about labeling male genitalia.)

more slowly this time. "Okay," Sanji panted as he adjusted himself to the sensation of being penetrated. "Now, go slowly at first, alright?"

Upon catching the fiercely determined expression on Usopp's face Sanji almost had to stifle a laugh, but the thought of expressing amusement at the situation was soon driven from his mind as Usopp

Pulled up in his new Ferrari

began to move deeper inside, his mouth catching Sanji's subsequent moans.

Sanji ran his hands across

Usopp's bum

the toned contours of Usopp's back, feeling the sinewy muscles underneath tightening with each thrust. Sliding his hands upward, Sanji reached the mass of dark hair,

(Dat. Hair.)

bouncing slightly from the

excitement of not being attached to a virgin anymore

movement, and deftly undid the rubber band constraining it. As Usopp began quickening his pace, his unfettered hair tumbled down around the pair, Sanji burying his face in the warm strands in a vain attempt to

live out his dream of being a louse

muffle the somewhat undignified noises he was producing.

He briefly contemplated whether Usopp would remember this after the medicine wore off.

Round Two: Fight!

(He had better.)

He wondered what the crew would find when they returned.

Two naked crewmates and a lot of explaining to do.

(He didn't care.)

The cook and the sniper.

A fairytale like no other.

One tan with raven curls and the other pale with flaxen tresses.

A whirlwind of passion.

(And sex.)