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A Word from Your Sponsor
The Capital would like to issue an apology for the showing of the last Hunger Games. Mass suicide is no way to behave, no, no, not at all. Every ten years, at least 0.24 teens die from mass suicides. No, if you are feeling the desire to take your own life, please call the number on your screen and we'll send you a free gift card to the Capitol's biggest megamall, the Target Archery Centre, for 1% off your next purchase. (If that purchase exceeds $1,000,000. If it doesn't, your gift card expires.) Kids killing other kids is supposed to promote peace, joy, and our extensive line of sponsorship benefits! The Capitol wishes to inform you, the viewer, that they are deeply sad to have witnessed the preceding Games. So sad. So often, the Games do not have a moral. The Capitol would like to take the opportunity to give you all a moral that will send you to bed happily, in the following montage:
1. The least beautiful of the Tributes raised her fist in the air. "Well, let's do this!" she cried, her croaky voice screeching above the howling wind. "We have rights. We can do this. Let's not let the Capitol win! Let's kill ourselves rather than kill each other!"
A small mouse skittered out of the jungle and bit her on her big toe. The girl immediately contracted AIDS, gonorrhea and died while having explosive diarrhea. The other kids realized they should probably keep their mouths shut and go back to killing each other like good little Tributes.
2. The last two Tributes, a stunningly hot girl from District 1 and a stunningly hot boy from District 2 leaned in together to shelter from the cold winter wind, even though it was summer. "I love you," she whispered. "I want you. Let's do it, right in front of the cameras!"
The boy chanced to look up, and saw the giant, flesh-eating eagle hovering right above them.
"Ohemgee! There's a giant, flesh-eating eagle hovering right above us!"
"What giant, flesh-eating e-"
The eagle swooped down and killed the girl to death. The boy won the Games but was blinded in the fight. He was later healed by a tireless team of Capitol healers, and when he woke up he fell immediately in love with a good, maidenly Capitol nurse who suffered a lot but was beautiful nonetheless. Her name was Mary Sue.
3. The boy was burning, strong and hot. That's because he was on fire. Because he betrayed his best friend. Who was trying to kill him. Which probably goes to show something, but for the life of me I can't figure out what.
4. "I'm a cold-blooded killer," the girl purred, stretching her long legs. "And want to kill everyone else in these Games."
Her former best friend, a beautiful, blonde cheerleader with a magnificent rack gasped. "I knew it. You're a murderer!"
"Yes, and now I'm going to steal your boyfriend, Marty Stu of District 2, to show everyone that girls in the Hunger Games can't be friends or allies because there is no emotional drama!" the killer murmured, twirling a knife idly in her fingers. "And I'm going to convince everyone to commit mass suicide!"
The cheerleader gasped again. "I can't do this any longer. I sat back and watched while you torched my District, gave birth to my brother's baby, forced my parents to kill each other and ate my pony. But stealing Marty Stu of District 2 away from me? Not going to happen!" She took a step forward and pushed the 'On' button on a handy flamethrower.
The killer was immediately engulfed in flames.
"See you later, bitchy-gator."
The burning corpse just managed to whisper, "In a while, croco-" and then she died of death.
The cheerleader went to to become a 20-time winner of the Capitol's Most Gorgeous Grin Award and leader of the Capitol Ladies' Timid Housewives Association.
A/N: Thanks for reading, hopefully you're significantly brainwashed now! Thanks for reviews, and I do not own the Hunger Games, nor do I own the book Beauty Queens, on which this chapter was loosely based.