don't look back in anger;
From all what has been said and from all what has been done, Nana won't go back. - Ren/Nana drabble fic.
Nana only had herself for comfort since a young age, and she has never been resentful toward that. Rather, she was never the kind of person to cry over the hardships in life, or take it very seriously for that matter, because she lived for now not then; and looking back got rather tiresome.
She does it anyway, when she has a spare moment for a scarce thought. Emptying the banks of her mind was something she'd both wish she could do and wish she could never do. Nana never liked considering the specifics. She liked returning back to the idea of black and white sorting. Shades of grey, in a sense, scared her for their limitless possibilities.
And she'd be never quite sure of herself.
All she really knows is that she misses him; but she must move on.
She liked his fingers in her hair. Nana doesn't say anything, but smiles because the moment won't last and she knows it won't and Ren doesn't say anything because he knows, she knows, words are empty and certainly won't mean a thing.
The couch is cramped but that's okay; Nana is tired and Ren is fine with that.
"Would you like to listen to something?" He asks in between an exhale and another breath.
Thinking too much gives her headaches. She's always been selfish and that trait wasn't about to change any time soon; but perhaps, it's really fine this way. There are people around her who look out for her and although it's cruel and mean to burden them this way, Nana can't let them go. They mean the world to her. The world and more; because they're the only things she has in this world.
The guitar is cold to the touch and the strings are stiff on her nimble fingers. Nana finds it hard to believe in the happiness that is blossoming in her chest, but accepts it anyway because there's nothing else she can do. She won't struggle, because she can trust Ren with her life. She won't struggle, because there's no need to.
That taste of happiness left her feeling more bitter than ever. Sometimes she wishes they could've stayed like that forever; the rational part of her says that wouldn't have happened, even if Trapnest didn't exist.
But when has she ever been rational?
Ha. Who is she kidding?
Osaki Nana has never been, will never live a life of order. She has always been chaotic. Always stuck in the eye of the storm, she feels too much and she says too little and she will never, ever, lead a normal, happy life, no matter how much the idea makes her smile when she feels like crying.
Her memories of high school weren't exactly the fondest tale to look back upon, but it is all that she is and it is all that she owns.
She remembers sucking in her breath with she first hears The Sex Pistols and genuinely smiling, laughing as the adrenaline pumps through her veins and she can't stop, won't stop, and suddenly, she's in love.
She spends weeks listening to the first track over and over again until she's sick of it and won't bare to listen to it again. She sings her favourite lines in broken English and although Nana doesn't understand a word, not yet, that's okay because it sounds good to her ears and she'll do it all over again.
Some nights, she plays it before bed so she could cry herself to sleep. It's the only way she can get some rest without resorting to knocking herself out with those white pills.
On a good night, she sees him in her dreams. A fuzzy Ren, smiling at her with the funny way he does and she reaches out and the picture distorts to the point of fading, and it is then does Nana feel despair stronger than anything she's ever been hit before.
It's because it's a dream, she thinks.
England is mild and the sun never shines, but that suits her just fine.
She thinks she can leave it all behind her but she knows she can't. All she can do is to store those painful memories away from her consciousness and yes, she's still trying.
When she's singing, she can forget.
She can also remember.
It's painful, but she knows she can force her legs to move, one step at a time.
If there was one thing she was good at, it would be walking away.
She loves them all, because she can.
In reality, she can't choose between the two of them. But she already has.
It's been a while since reading Nana so apologises for the inaccuracies in character and other details. Feel free to point them out and do please leave me a review. It's been a while for me, you see. XD
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock and roll band;