This movie was brought to you by Castle Rock entertainment... seriously, it was.
People who actually read the book: Hey, there aren't supposed to be any adults! Well, at least he's got blood coming out of his mouth, maybe he'll die right away-
Harry Hook: KEEP DREAMING.
Ralph: Blond hair? Psh, no, we'll go dark brown. TIME TO SHOW OFF MY PROTAGONIST-ISM!
Random child one: SOMEBODY HELP ME I CAN'T SWIM.
Nightkill: Those were seriously the first words uttered in this movie.
Random child two: GET THE RAFT.
The raft: *is gotten*
Somebody: *lost their hat*
Random child one: SERIOUSLY, GUYS, I CAN'T SWIM.
The raft: *explodes. Wait, no, it's just opening*
LORD OF THE FLIES. BASED VERY LOOSELY ON THE NOVEL BY SIR WILLIAM GOLDING. DON'T FORGET THE SIR. HE WAS KNIGHTED.
The raft: *takes an incredibly long time to get anywhere*
Harry Hook: IT'S MORE REALISTIC.
Ralph: We just got to shore, how on earth did I get my arm bandaged up already? And where is that creepy music coming from?
Crickets and frogs: Flies are too mainstream. This island has CRICKETS and FROGS, bitches. And creepy music.
Piggy: I'm the right weight! Which means I'm morbidly obese.
Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: I'm not dead yet!
Ralph: Mmkay, time to pull out the lightsaber...
Random child three: What's that?
Ralph: A lightsaber. MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.
Random child three: How does it work?
Ralph: STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS, YOUNG PADAWAN.
Samneric: *are the only adorable children in this film*
Random child four: Do you think anyone else is here, Mister Goblin King Sir?
David Bowie - I mean, Jack: It's just an island. And I'm not David Bowie.
Everyone: *is thirsty*
Random child four: What if we die here? What if we get all dehydrated and die? I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.
Ralph: We're all thirsty and hungry. So it's only logical that we just go to sleep and hope that our problems go away.
Simon: I'm either an insomniac or I just have problems. Or maybe I'm the only nice one and am watching the supposed-to-be-dead guy sleeping.
Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: That's just creepy. Water...
Simon: Uh... we're hoping that our problems go away, sorry.
The next day.
Simon: Yeah, I'm just wandering around aimlessly. Apparently I wander around quite a bit, if the amount of transitions are anything to go by. Hey! Water! Oh, look, more pointless Simon wandering... ah, frick. I'm right back where I started. Maybe I can bother the love of my life - uh, I mean, Ralph. Sir Ralph. Sir.
Ralph: What do you want, I was having a very nice dream -
Simon: During my pointless wandering I found water!
Ralph: Hey! Things did take care of themselves! I NOW PROCLAIM SIMON JESUS.
ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE
David Bowie!Jack: *leads the procession*
Roger: I'm here, but I just look like a harmless little person with weird hair. But at least I'm here, unlike Bill and Maurice and Robert and Henry and Harold-
Billy: FALSE! They just added a 'y'! :D
ABRUPT CAMERA VIEW CHANGE
Nightkill: You know, it really sucks that they all know each other. There's no useful little introduction
*is scene. :( No little choirboys going down in a line 'Henry! Maurice/Morris! Rupert! Bill! Roger! Et cetera!'
ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE
1963!Cast: Psh, and they say our movie sucked. We didn't have near as bad scene changes as this... well... not this quickly.
David Bowie!Jack: Yes, I am just leading these people around the island randomly.
Random Black Kid: *is walking eerily close to Jack*
Roger: *is walking right behind him, presumably figuring out a plan to get rid of Random Black Kid*
David Bowie!Jack: Well... we aimlessly wandered for a while, so I'm going to assume that this is it.
Ralph: I'm here! :D
ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE
THE CONCH OF POWERRR: WOO! I AM READY TO BE BLOWN BY RALPH. ;)
THE CONCH OF POWERRR: NO. NO. NOT THE FAT KID. I WANT RALPH.
Piggy: *takes an overly long amount of time to get THE CONCH OF POWERRR out of the water*
Ralph: I'm here! :D And what is that?
Piggy: This is a conch-
1963!Jack: Shut up, Fatty.
Book!Ralph: Hey, we could maybe be friends.
Piggy: My Granny had one-
Book!Piggy: FALSE. Your AUNTIE knew someone that had one. *pushes up glasses*
Piggy: If it had a hole in it, right there, you could blow it. If you know what I mean. *seductive face*
Piggy: Like a trumpet-
1963! & Book!Jack: WHERE'S THE MAN WITH THE TRUMPET?
Ralph: Seriously. This is not your parody.
Book!Jack: I didn't get a parody...
Nightkill: There are tons of book parodies. Scram.
Ralph: *takes THE CONCH OF POWERRR*
Piggy: *looks very proud of himself*
1963!Eric: LEAVE ME ALONE. It's not my fault he's so creepy and attractive.
FLEEEP PERSON. THERE'S A FLEEEP AND A FLUFFIETFLEEEP. I'M UNSURE IF THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON. BUT I THINK SO. SO~
1963!Simon: Thank you for your review. :) I'm glad you enjoyed.
Nightkill: Yes, I am the one who wrote the LOTF/Harry Potter crossover. Cx I'm glad you enjoyed that as well as this.
Nightkill: Yeah, it's way too easy to make fun of. Cx
1963!Roger: …fine. *does as asked* But now you'll have to deal with 1990!Roger, and he's not as near as awesome/adorable as me. And he has stupid hair.
1963!Ralph: Hey! It's not easy being chief to a bunch of little idiots who just want to hunt and stuff all the time! Only Simon helped, and… well, we kind of killed him…
1963!Simon: I'm sorry for making you sad. :C But now you have another Simon.
Percival: Thank you! :D I remembered my telephone number, do you want it too?
Nightkill: Oh my god. I just made up a Lord of the Flies pickup line. LIFE ACHIEVEMENT ACHIEVED.
1963!Simon: I think you're all unique and beautiful.
1963!Ralph: Sucks to the people that don't like me. But you're cool. Because you do like me.
1963!Roger: …there were actually more. Only Nightkill found them adorable instead of creepy. So she didn't count them.
Nightkill: That is right below the review replies on this chapter. :3 And, yeah, I've seen the LOTF Randomness. Cx It's pretty good.
1963!Jack: :D Hooray!
1990!Simon: Hooray! My first fangirl of this parody!
1963!Roger: …trapping littleuns so they would get burned up with Maurice. I mean, Maurice was helping me. Not getting burned up.
JUST ANOTHER BELIEVER~
1963!Roger: No. I am way better than the 90's version. Mostly because that version has stupid hair. And a stupid face. And I'm creepy and adorable.
Jack: I'm crashing through the forest, crashing through the forest, maybe I'll find my friends who abandoned me... whoa. How did I get here? Oh, look, Ralph. Hi Ralph!
Ralph: Sucks to your ass-mar - oh, not Piggy. Hi, Jack.
Hut: SUCKS TO YOUR BUILDING SKILLS.
Ralph: FUCK YOU, HUT. *falls over in anger* We've been doing this for days! And nobody helps, hint hint!
Jack: I join you on the ground because apparently Jalph is a thing.
Ralph: AND NOBODY HELPS, HINT HINT.
Jack: ...we need meat?
Ralph: You idiot, the three things you seriously need in life are food - we've got fruit - water, and SHELTER. SHELTER.
Jack: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME-
Ralph: DUDE I JUST WANT SOME HELP FROM SOMEBODY WHO IS NOT ONE OF MY FANGIRLS. No offense Simon. If you're in earshot.
Jack: *mutters* Your only fangirl, you don't even have a nice chest-
Ralph: Don't you want to be rescued?
Jack: *is silent*
Ralph: *apparently takes this as a 'keep going'* ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS MEAT.
Jack: WE NEED MEAT.
Ralph: AND YOU COME HOME AND YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE SHELTERS AND ALL I HAVE IS STUPID LITTLE FANGIRL SIMON NO OFFENSE SIMON IF YOU'RE IN EARSHOT AND WOW WE ARE REALLY BAITING THE JALPH FANS RIGHT NOW.
Jack: *prolonged silence* Hey, I do stuff too!
Ralph: *is suddenly defensive* Yeah but you like your work! So hah! I officially work harder than you-
Jack: *stands up*
Ralph: *shuts up*
Jack: *is completely adorable* I'll help you. A little. I mean, for like two minutes or something.
Ralph: No. *leaves*
Jack: WTF, RALPH.
Extremely long shot of Jack just standing there. Yes, he is an attractive person. No, we did not need this section to be this long.