Simon: :O *picks up dead Mr. Lizard and backs away slowly* BECAUSE YOU NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON AN OUTSIDER.

Jack: *looks a little disturbed at Roger's Roger-ness*

Simon: WHAT AM I DOING? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN YOUR BACK ON AN OUTSIDER.

Jack: ...Well that went well. Thanks Roger. Thanks for killing the only character anyone ever liked in this movie.

Roger: No problem.

Random Ginger Kid: When do we do it?

Jack: WTF.

Random Ginger Kid: Like what time of day?

Jack: NOT ANY BETTER - oh, you're talking about hunting pigs, hah, sorry, thought you were talking about something else for a bit... we always go right before dawn, for some weird reason. Dramatic affect? Oh, no to see if we can catch 'm asleep. If that's my logic, though, why don't we just go at night? Seriously.

Creepy noises: *are made*

A pig: *squeals*

Jack: AWESOME REACTION TIME TIME. *runs toward moving thing*

AND JACK HAS SUDDENLY BECOME AN OLD MAN! oh wait that's Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here.

Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here: Haaaaai.

Jack: Oh crap we're all going to die.

Roger: What is this? I must come see!

Jack: SIMON! COME GET YOUR FRIEND.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Simon: Stupid Jack killing Mr. Lizard and chasing me off and then forcing me to lug Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here back to camp even though he's like three times my size.

Mysterious music: *begins to play*

Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: *breathes*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Ralph: SIMON CAN'T STAY WITH HIM ALL THE TIME.

Jack: SHUT UP HE'LL HEAR YOU.

Ralph: But he's scared of everyone else. And I'm not sure if I'm talking about Simon or Adult-that-shouldn't-be-here. Either is possible.

Random child: I'm scared of him.

CAMERA CUTS TO ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THERE

Random child: He's crazy.

Ralph: Simon or Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there?

Random child: Both. We've gotta do something.

Jack: Kill him when we go savage?

Random child: Sounds good to me. Or we could tie him down so he can't move.

Ralph: Wait, who are we talking about?

Jack: I like the kill him idea better.

Ralph: WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? If we're talking about Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there, he has a fever! We should keep making Simon take care of him!

Jack: Yeah, but he AIN'T gonna make it. I'm actually being quite logical here, if a bit immoral.

Random child: EXACTLY!

Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: *breathes*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Why does Ralph have fabulous red underwear?

Mysterious Music: *starts up again*

Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: *breathes... mysteriously*

Mysterious Music: DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN. DUN.

Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there: AHH! I HAD A TERRIBLE DREAM THAT I WAS TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND WITH MANY SMALL, INSANE CHILDREN AND- oh, fuck. Screw this, I'm outta here.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Pretty sunrise: *is pretty. We get it.*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE... AGAIN! Wait a minute, was that scene even remotely necessary?

Fabulous Kid: *seems to be the center of attention*

Ralph: Hey, I exist! And am hunting with these guys for some weird reason! Yaaay screwing with canon! Oh, wait, I seem to be looking for Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there. Are we all? What's going on here? I sense a Jack x Roger scene coming up sometime. ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE!

Piggy: Whoa, I'm here too.

A tree: *blocks our view of the boys for about thirty seconds*

Ralph: ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE!

So, they wander through trees for a while, Ralph calling 'ADULT-THAT-SHOULDN'T-BE-THEEERE every five seconds.

Jack: Shut up, he's dead anyway.

Ralph: BUT HE'S GOTTA BE HERE. IF WE LOSE HIM WE LOSE EVERYTHING.

Jack: If we lose him we lose an insane old man.

Ralph: SHUT UP.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Bloody clothes: We're Adult-that-shouldn't-be-there's clothes. In case you didn't know.

Simon: LOOK!

Everyone: Whoa you exist?

Ralph: It's nobody's fault-

Simon: When did I say it was someone's fault?

Ralph: ...Shut up. He was insane.

Simon: I think you're stupid. I seriously think he's alive.

Ralph: NO, IT IS YOU WHO ARE STUPID.

Simon: ...where are his shoes? We should keep looking!

Ralph: Srsly Simon. Srsly. Why do you want his shoes. He probably just swam out in them.

Simon: And his belt? HIS SHOES AND BELT? ARE YOU INSANE, MAN?

Ralph: He was crazy, just like you.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Simon: I hate this movie. Everyone has to take turns at the fire instead of just Samneric.

Samneric: ...It appears we're here, too.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Ralph: Once again, why am I with these people? Am I a hunter now? Ah, here comes a Jack x Roger scene, I believe.

A pig: *runs out from literally right under them*

Everyone: AHH! GET ITTT!

Roger: *jumps at pig and misses, except he apparently cuts it a little to get blood on the knife. And then falls. And cracks his head open*

Nobody: *seems to realize that the pig is gone and Roger has a concussion*

Roger: *actually seems to be seriously injured*

Jack: *puts his hand on Roger's back and SEEMS CONCERNED*

Slash fans: Eh... nah, not enough material.

Jack: OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY MY LOVE? YOU LOOK INJURED!

Roger: *is still holding his head* Yeah, I appear to have hit my head... oh, wait, I'M A MAN. NO, BUT I CUT IT. RIGHT UP HIS ASS. HAHAHAHAHA. I'M A MAN.

Samneric: *are very excited about this 'up the ass' bit* RIGHT UP THE ASS! YEAHHH!

Should-be-Robert: *joins in on their excitement*

Samneric: *...poke their spears up Should-be-Robert's ass...*

Robert: HEY! OW! THAT HURT! STOP! STOP LISTEN TO-

Ralph: And in comes the voice of authority! STOP IT!

Robert: That hurt!

Samoreric: I know! :D

Robert: Holy freaking Jack x Roger.

Everyone: *looks over to see Jack painting Roger's face*

Nightkill: *fangirls*

Other Slash fans: ...Eh.

Jack: I am clearly in love with you.

Nightkill: This is a great movie. Until this part is over. Then it sucks again.

Jack: And now I shall paint my own face.

Nightkill: Aaand it sucks.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Roger: *is sharpening a spear in better than a 'let's make this vaguely pointy' way*

Nightkill: You know, instead of 'how many creepy looks does Roger give the camera, we'll do a 'how many lines does Roger speak.' As of now - two.

Jack: The camera is slowly zooming in on my face. Why, exactly? Dramatic effect?

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Mr. Lizard 2: Hey, look guys! Mr. Lizard's been replaced already! And why am I qualified to be Mr. Lizard 2? Well... I CAN DANCE! *bobs head up and down*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Hunters: *are creeping through the forest*

Nightkill: I guess there is one good thing about how annoyingly diverse this movie is. You don't mistake people for other people.

Jack: *gets his own shot*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Ralph, Piggy, and Littleuns: *are carrying things full of water*

Ralph's Arm: *is completely healed. He carries only one anyway*

Piggy: I WANT A CLOCK.

Ralph: Wut.

Piggy: WE CAN MAKE A CLOCK.

Ralph: OH SURE. YEAH, THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WE CAN MAKE? A TIME MACHINE. AND A TV.

Piggy: Srsly Ralph. Srsly. A sundial.

Random Littleun: Aand time to change the subject? WHAT'S THAT?

Ralph: Haha, like that'll work - wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE. A HELICOPTER- hold on. A helicopter?

Harry Hook: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Everyone: *waves their arms like the thing will see them*

Fabulous Kid: *is way out in the water*

Ralph: *runs away*

AND SO BEGINS AN EPIC RUNNING SCENE IN WHICH THERE IS DRAMATIC MUSIC AND RALPH BREATHING REALLY LOUDLY.

Ralph: Finally, I'm up on the mountain. And the fire's out. GREAT. YOU HAD ONE JOB, MERRIDEW. But wait it's leaving. OVER HERE! OVER HERE! Damn, even my bright red underwear isn't enough to make the helicopter person see me.

Fire: *is dead*

Ralph: ...and i'm extremely upset.

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Hunters: *are covered in blood, pig sitting in front of them, glaring menacingly*

Roger: *is sitting rather close behind Jack*

Ralph: Okay, I look like I'm going to be fairly reasonable about this... LOL NO IT'S TIME FOR THE SWEARING TO BEGIN. IF YOU GUYS WOULDN'TA LET THE GODDAM FIRE GO OUT WE COULD'VE GONE HOME AND I COULD'VE BEEN AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE FOREVER.

Jack: We were hunting. Not like it's obvious or anything. And also we killed a pig, if you can't see it.

Ralph: YOU FUCKED UP.

Jack: Woah woah woah. No need to get vulgar.

Ralph: WE COULDA BEEN RESCUED.

Jack: Okay, now I'm angry. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT. AND ALSO THE BLOOD-COVERED PEOPLE ARE TOO, BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY GOOD PEOPLE TO HAVE ON MY SIDE.

Ralph: Your side? What's that supposed to mean?

Jack: ...Okay, how stupid are you?

Nightkill: I am beginning to understand why people like this Jack so much. I mean, he's not Jack. No. But he's a good character if you forget he's supposed to be Jack.

Jack: STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME. YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER. *pushes Ralph*

Ralph: *pushes Jack*

To sum it up, they just start shoving each other while everyone just kind of watches.

Piggy: *runs up like the idiot he is*

Jack: *pushes him. He falls over. Everyone cheers. And then sees that he's not dead*

Ralph: *helps Piggy up*

Slash fans: OTP.

Jack: Y'know what? IMMA DEFECT EARLY, THAT'S WHAT IMMA DO.

Roger: *has an incredibly deep voice*

Nightkill: There's three!

Ralph: You're insane. We should work together. What do you say?

Jack: *fabulous expression. We could count these, too, but then I'd have to go back and COUNT EVERY SINGLE ONE. TOO MUCH WORK* Also FUCK YOU. AND THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO MISS PIGGY. Hey, I'm funny.

Ralph: Well that escalated quickly - oh, not in that way, gotcha.

Jack: LET'S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND.

And so they leave, taking the pig with them

Random child fifty-one: HEY, JACK, I'LL JOIN YOUR TRIBE! I'LL JOIN YOUR TRIBE, JACK!

Jack: Who are you? And why are you in black-and-white? Ah, whatever, at least you aren't Larry. And when you guys wanna, you can come join too, I mean, we don't really need this stupid rivalry here...

Roger: WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME TO CARRY THE FRONT ALONE? I MEAN, SURE, ACCORDING TO THIS VERSION I'M ONE OF THE BIGGEST BOYS ON THE ISLAND BUT SRSLY JACK. SRSLY.

Piggy: *has absolutely no idea what's going on*

ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE

Helicopter: Hi camera! Wow, it's an awesome night, isn't it? I love life-

Ralph: HEY, LOOK ANOTHER HELICOPTER!

Audience: WTF is going on.

Ralph: SIMON I CARE ABOUT YOU WOW IT'S KINDA OBVIOUS YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME IN THIS VERSION.

Simon: What are you talking about I'm not in love with you I mean what.

Helicopter: *explodes*

Simon: Oh no. Look at me. I have the emotional range of Plank. *wakes up*


DISENCHANTED LOTF~

Roger: …The next time we interact is when I help to kill him.

Simon: Yeah… not the best ship for this movie…

Jack: Hey, maybe he just knew that I was way cooler than Ralph could ever hope to be.

RACHEL MANTEGNA~

Nightkill: Yes. Yes it does. Cx thanks.

PRINCESSESOPHIA~

Simon: Okay.

Jack: How? I'm on a deserted island with just boys? I'm sure this chapter didn't help either.

KSBG~

Simon: It's because all of the others don't think at all, so I have to think for all of them.

Hammsters~

Nightkill: Okay, first off, thanks for all of your reviews and I'm glad you enjoy this. :) And, no, Simon is not ugly. BUT.

I am an extremely shallow person. I'll admit it. I'm shallow. I judge people. Appearance, intelligence, general annoying-ness. Also it appears my school has been blessed with extraordinary beautiful people – or, you know, extraordinarily average-looking people. Samneric-y people.

So.

Yeah.

SEERSTELLA~

Simon: Both of us do have an innocence that is not present in the other boys.

Piggy: I'M SORRY.

Jack: Hey! If you show up, I can prove that I AM TOTALLY STRAIGHT. NOPE NOT GAY FOR ROGER OR RALPH OR SAMNERIC OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ONES.

Random Kids: It's an old TV show. That was apparently quite popular during this time period, seeing as Harry Hook reminded viewers at every turn THAT THIS DOES NOT TAKE PLACE WHEN IT IS SUPPOSED TO.

Roger: …I actually think it's OK.

ALLTHEGOODNONESAREGONE~

Jack: Of course I'm an artist. Bad boys have to have a sensitive side.

Random Indian Kid: He probably borrowed his dad's bicycle and rode it around the block.