Disclaimer: Doctor, the delusions involve several fictional characters, and quite frankly, it's starting to get out of hand…
A/N: Just finished an essay for school in which I got to compare/contrast the Leandros brothers, and just got a new story follower for this fic (Thanks Illeana Starbright!) In celebration, here's an update.
Some canon, some headcanon, some not-quite-either-but-possibly-very-close-to-one-or-the-other. Some otherwise serious events may be joked about. There's a bit of crack, a bit of angst, and something resembling "touching" here. Be ye warned.
Just as a quick warning, there're a few parts in here that get a little… odd. Sophia's line of work comes up. As does Robin… well, Robin. Nothing is too gross or explicit though, so don't worry. I just wanted y'all to know.
These one-shots are all unrelated, unless otherwise stated. And it will be. Stated. They will also probably not be precisely canon-concentric, just so you know. Updates will be sporadic.
Never Have I Ever
Timeline: Outside of continuity for both fandoms. (That means possible spoilers for all books and all seasons/episodes, as well as some leaning on the fourth wall.)
Harvelle's Roadhouse, Nebraska
"Never have I ever…" Robin scrunched up his face, tapping his fingers on the table top.
Impatient as always, Cal snapped. "Well, Loman?"
Shooting the younger man a glare, Robin said, "Be patient, you insufferable youngling! I'm thinking. There isn't much I haven't done."
Cal snorted. "Now that, I believe." He shared a commiserating glance with his brother as their puck friend tried to come up with something.
How exactly he, Nik, Robin, and Promise had come to be sitting in Harvelle's Roadhouse with Jo Harvelle herself, her friend Ash, and the Leandros's sometimes-allies, the brothers Winchester, playing the old drinking game of "Never Have I Ever," Cal wasn't exactly sure. However, since nobody was currently trying to kill any of them and there was plenty of junk food, he wasn't really complaining.
Robin snapped his fingers suddenly. "I've got it! Never have I ever…" he grinned mischievously, "said the words, 'No, I don't want to make out with you.'"
Every person at the table grimaced and took a shot, Jo and Ash having said those exact words to Robin himself, just a few minutes before. They'd been playing for only a quarter of an hour, but already they'd given up getting new glasses, instead just pouring out the shots from their bottle. They were playing with whiskey brewed by Grandpa Harvelle himself, an old family recipe. There were "tons of bottles of the stuff" in the basement, according to Jo, and since her mom wasn't here…
No one thought to question the fact that none of them knew how they'd gotten there, or that Ash and Jo were present, despite everyone having been sure they were… well, dead. Actually, Dean had pointed it out at the very beginning, but Ash had immediately began spouting off something about continuity and time/space dimensional hash ("If you find yourself remembering stuff that you think hasn't happened yet, don't worry about it. It'll wear off."), interspersed with munching on hot wings and tracing equations in the sauce. Eventually, he gave up, pointed the wing he was eating at Dean and said, "Look, man, I am a genius with degrees in physics and computer science, and I'm technically dead, which gives me access to the secrets of life, Zen, and all things meta. You wouldn't understand it anyway, so shut up and enjoy my company while it lasts."
"My turn!" Jo said excitedly, a little tipsy. She grinned at them all and said, "Never have I ever… completely lost it when I thought my brother might be dead."
Sam, Dean, Cal, and Niko all reached into the middle and took their shots without hesitation. They all knew it was true. Robin eyed them all with something resembling fond exasperation as he said, "Okay, I've got another one."
"You just went!" Sam protested. Robin waved away his protest and spread his hands. "Never have I ever… been in love with a vampire," he said, shooting Niko a wicked glance.
Calmly, the eldest Leandros reached into the middle and pulled out two glasses. Handing one of them to Promise, he tipped his head back, downing his quickly. Jo looked sort of disgusted. Dean looked resigned, and Sam was trying to look understanding and failing. Ash didn't care. Cal sniggered.
"I'm still not sure how we got Niko to play this game in the first place, and now you're specifically targeting him, Loman? You got a death wish?"
Niko shot his brother a glare, and was about to retort when Promise spoke up for the first time. "I've got one."
"Spill," Dean ordered. He rather liked Promise, even if it was weird that Niko was human and dating a vampire.
She smirked then, tiny little fangs glinting a little in the dim lighting. "Never have I ever… purposely annoyed my older brother."
Sam and Cal reached into the middle, raised their glasses to each other, and downed their shots simultaneously. Dean and Niko looked amused. Robin cackled. Promise smiled smugly.
"Never have I ever," Cal began, "been arrested." He grinned as Sam and Dean took their shots, smirked when Robin did, and laughed outright when Promise downed one.
"Seriously? What'd you do?"
She gave him an amused look. "Ask your brother sometime," was all she said, and Cal had to be content with that.
"Never have I ever… had a mullet," Sam said, a little lamely. Ash snorted and reached for a shot. No one was surprised when Robin did the same.
"What?" he said, in answer to Cal's disgusted look. "The eighties were fun."
Shaking his head, Cal reached for the bottle and refilled the two empty glasses.
Dean was next. "Never have I ever… participated in drunken karaoke and dancing while naked."
Robin took a shot. Everyone rolled their eyes. Sam took a shot. His brother choked.
"What?" Sam asked. He winked at Cal. "College is fuuuuunnn…"
While Dean was still sputtering and Cal was still chuckling, Niko said, "Never have I ever… sold a car for three times its worth."
Robin stuck his tongue out at Niko and took the shot. Cal didn't know why he was complaining. He had the fastest metabolism of any of them, and (besides Promise) was the only one not feeling any effects of the whiskey. Cal's tolerance was pretty high too, as was Promise's (gotta love those non-human genes). Niko had an alcoholic tolerance (for a human) like nobody's business, as did Dean, though for different reasons. Ash and Jo were technically dead, and Sam was Winchester-stubborn, which counted for more than you'd think. All of them had drunk enough to put most people under the table, but the worst of them were just tipsy. (Ash started to explain this when Sam brought it up, but Dean shoved a potato chip in his mouth and he shut up.)
"Ooooh, my turn again," Jo said, obviously thinking hard. "Umm… oh! I've got a good one. Never have I ever…" she paused dramatically, glancing at Promise, "drank blood."
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Then, Promise, Cal, and Sam all reached out, snagged a shot, and tossed them back.
"Who needs a 12-step program, right Sam?" Cal drawled, dropping his glass and watching it bounce on the table.
"Blood Drinkers United," Sam replied solemnly, bumping his fist against Cal's. Promise set her glass down delicately and licked her lips, somehow managing to aim this gesture in Jo's direction. Jo gulped and stuffed a chip in her mouth.
"Wow," Ash said into the silence. "Awkward…"
Dean coughed pointedly. Robin took the hint and said loudly, "Never have I ever… kissed a demon."
Dean shot him a dirty look, but took his shot. Cal said, "Wait a minute, there's something you haven't kissed?"
Jo looked thoughtful. "Does it still count if it technically kissed me?"
"Yes," Robin said firmly, ignoring Cal. Jo shrugged, and took the shot. Ash grinned.
"Yes! We are back in business. Never have I ever…" he paused dramatically. "Eaten tofu." The last word was said in the tone of voice usually reserved for demons and other undead monstrosities.
Niko and Sam each took a shot. Cal stuck his tongue out at his brother as he reluctantly did the same. Niko smacked the back of his head with one hand, while pushing his glass into the middle to be refilled with the other.
Hissing, and rubbing the back of his head, Cal retaliated, "Never have I ever… stabbed a man in the femoral artery because I didn't like the way he was looking at my brother."
"Liar," Niko said implacably (so implacably, no one could tell if he was serious), even as he tossed back another shot.
Dean was torn between being scandalized and being impressed. "What? No, no, we don't go on until we hear this story."
Niko spread his hands. "It's not much of a story. Once, when we were younger, Sophia had a customer who had… different interests. Usually, I'd just get us out of the area when I found out someone was coming, but this time, I wasn't expecting it, and Cal and I were in the front room when he got there. He immediately started eyeing Cal, and then he asked Sophia if she'd mind if he… well, I won't repeat what he said. Suffice to say, I knew Sophia wasn't going to protect us, especially not if money was involved, so as soon as the guy got close enough, I pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the thigh. He left."
"He left?" Jo said incredulously. "That's all you have to say about it? You stabbed someone fatally and he left?"
"Am I supposed to feel bad about it?" Niko said, the barest hint of annoyance coloring the words. "He was looking at my baby brother. Besides, I didn't kill him. He was able to call nine-one-one. I don't think he ever fully explained to anyone what actually happened, but I never saw him again, and that's good enough for me."
"How old were you?" Dean put in.
Niko shrugged. "Ten."
Cal said, helpfully and unnecessarily, "I was five."
"Which brings me to my next turn," Niko said, turning to his brother. "Never have I ever… leaped onto the back of a man five times my size and tried to strangle him because I didn't like the way he was looking at my brother."
"Liar," Cal countered pleasantly, reaching out all the same to snag a glass. Sam gave him a bemused look.
"Do we even want to know?"
Cal smirked. "Niko didn't tell the whole story. It's not like that creep just backed off politely after being stabbed by a ten-year-old with a butcher knife. I was five. He was mad at Nik. That's about all I understood of the situation anyway, other than that he was creepy and I was glad Niko had stabbed him. He reached for Niko, I jumped on him and tried to strangle him with a jump rope. And then he left."
Jo looked sideways at Sam and Dean. "You two… that sounded perfectly reasonable to you, didn't it? You see nothing strange about the way they handled that situation."
The Winchester's looked at each other.
"Well," said Dean slowly. "I'd a probably just shot the guy, 'stead of using a knife, but other than that…"
Jo shook her head and sighed.
"Never have I ever…" Promise said, startling everybody. She'd been quiet so long, it was weird to hear her speak. ("Almost like the author forgot she was here," Ash said, before Cal decked him and shut him up.)
"...Been dead," she finished smugly, smirking.
They all looked at each other.
"Am I the only one who thinks it's a little weird that, besides Robin, the only one at the table who can legitimately claim that is the vampire?" Sam asked. Dean shook his head.
"You're not the only one." Everyone except Robin and Promise tossed back their shots.
"Never have I ever…" Dean said, "been a bartender."
Cal, Jo, and Sam both took another shot. It was starting to show in Jo. Sam and Cal were still going strong.
"Never have I ever… been worshipped as a god," Niko said, eyeing Robin. The puck just grinned and drank.
"Okay, I've got one," he said. "Never have I ever… ditched my friends, headed to downtown NYC with my brother, and gone nuclear on an ancient race of psychotically evil elves."
Cal and Niko reached forward simultaneously, clinked their glasses together, and downed them in one swallow. Dean scowled.
"Maaann, you guys get to do all the fun stuff," he grumbled. "Sammy, why can't we ever have a nuke?"
"Because, Dean," Sam explained patiently, with the strange logic and exact pronunciation of the just-this-side-of-sloshed, "that would be copying. Also," and here he gave his brother a look Cal knew well –from the mirror– "what the crap would we do with a nuke?"
"It would be cool," Dean said petulantly.
"This bottle is empty," Jo announced.
"Switch it out," Ash ordered lazily. Jo reached under her chair and fished around until she found another container. "Last one," she said, reaching for the individual glasses. "Gotta measure it out."
There was enough for ten more shots each. (This shouldn't have been possible, and someone probably would have mentioned it, but then Ash would have explained it, and nobody wanted that so they all just kept quiet and resolved to end the game within the next few minutes.)
It was quick.
"Never have I ever…"
"Killed something with a fork."
"Stabbed someone with the same fork."
("It was not the same fork, Loman.")
"Lived in New York City."
"Changed my brother's diapers."
"Hugged my brother in public."
"Ruffled my brother's hair in public."
("You three don't even have brothers. Shut the crap up.")
"Worn a ponytail."
"Worn a braid."
"Worn a mohawk."
"Joined a nudist colony."
("Robin, I swear, if you say 'the eighties were fun' one more time…")
"Been a college student."
"Been a car salesman."
"Been a waitress."
"Been a brother."
They didn't bother trying to figure out who drank the most. It was probably Robin anyway, what with him taking a shot almost every time something was mentioned. Niko was a close second however, since Robin did his best to tailor his statements to trap his friend. Everyone had drunk enough to do some serious liver damage, and everyone except Niko was wavering a little as they walked around The Roadhouse trying to clean up.
"You know, he didn't actually drink any of that," Cal said to Robin and Dean, surprisingly lucidly.
"No?" Dean was surprised. Robin wasn't, not really. Cal nodded solemnly.
"Maybe one or two, like at the hard parts, but the rest of it, not a drop."
"Hard parts?" Sam joined the conversation, pushing a chair under a table nearby. Cal waved a hand.
"You know. Me. Dying. More than once. That stuff."
Niko appeared behind his brother as Cal stumbled over Promise's foot, catching him easily. "Someone's got to be the designated driver," he said, not without amusement. "I don't know how we got here, but somehow, I don't think we're just going to be dropped back into our beds at the apartment."
"No, 'cause that would be too easy," Cal sighed. "And easy doesn't really exist in our world."
Dean nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel." He yawned, surprised to feel himself sobering as he spoke. "I'm going to bed. Send Sammy up once he's said his emo, girly goodbyes and all that crap."
Sam glared after his brother as Dean headed for the stairs. "Bye," he said shortly to Cal and Niko. "See you… later?"
Niko nodded. "We'll keep in touch." He offered his hand. Sam shook. "Take care of yourselves."
Cal rolled his eyes. "Joss, you guys are sickening. I'll be in the car." He strode out the door.
Ash offered a gallant arm to an only-slightly-tipsy Promise. "M'lady. If you'll allow me, I'll escort you to your transportation."
Promise gifted him a smile. "Thank you." She took his arm, tossed a kind-but-sharp smile in Jo's direction, and headed for the door, Ash in tow. Robin followed them, and Niko brought up the rear, eyes always alert and ready for anything and everything that crossed his path.
Ash came back inside after seeing them off, and Jo hopped up on the counter as he leaned against it with one elbow.
"Did it help?" she asked quietly. "For them to relax for a while, to have a little fun in a safe place. Did it help at all?"
He looked up at her, his little Jo, so young but so grown up already, and dead before her time to boot.
"Yeah," he said slowly. "I think so." She smiled at him, hopping off the counter and giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Then I'm glad you did it," she said, flouncing over to the stairs. He grinned at her.
"How'd you know?"
She paused. "Please. This whole situation has your signature written all over it. Scrawled all over it. In huge capital letters with bold highlighting." She pointed a finger at him. "I know your work when I see it, buddy." Turning, she made her way up the stairs.
Ash turned back to the bar and looked down at its relatively clean surface.
"Never have I ever…" he murmured. "I'll tell you what I've never: Never have I ever been drinking with so many armed and dangerous people without anybody getting shot once. I mean, holy chipotle, between Cal and the Winchesters, there was enough ammo sitting at that table to blow up the whole state." He glared at nothing in particular, but directed his comment everywhere.
"You might wanna think about that next time you go messing with space and time, Missy."
A/N: I'm not really good at writing people drunk. Maybe that's a good thing. And, just saying, I don't think getting absolutely smashed is a "good" or "cool" thing to do. It's just a story. ^-^ Stay in school too, kids.
Partially inspired by and written while listening to the song "'Fore She was Mama" by Clay Walker. Do I picture Niko while listening to this song? Nooo, of course not. *shifty eyes* (Okay, yeah, I totally do. Think about it as you listen to the song. You'll see it too.) Also, Mary Winchester, though she doesn't appear in this fic.
I just wanna say, I love Jo. She's a fantastic character, she's fun, and she's good for the boys and the show. However, she can (and has in canon) come off as a little… not judgmental exactly, more… lacking in understanding. She can be pushy, and childish, and she tends think she's always right. I know she's acting pretty witchy here at times, so I just wanted it to be clear that I'm not intending to bash her.
Yes, that's me Ash is talking to at the end.
Fanfiction-rant: Am I the only one who has trouble with "the?" I mean, seriously, I can spell "supercalifragilisticexpiali-freakin-docious" but I can't spell "the?" The heck?