Yeah, this is what happens when I'm hopped up on caffeine.
If you value your sanity...Then you need to realize that it won't last so ya may as well lose it sooner rather than later.
That'll be a proverb A la Max one day. (;
"Tony, can I borrow a Newspaper?" A tentative voice requested.
The billionaire was forced to tear his gaze away from the data on his Stark Tablet. He'd placed it on the table while he (very) impatiently waited for the coffee maker to finish doing its job.
He needed to make an upgrade. He'd been horrified when Pepper had presented him with a not-created-by-Tony-Stark coffee maker. It was insulting, really. Of course, that being the case, he probably shouldn't be surprised by it's sloth-like production. This...thing wasn't a Stark Coffee maker. It had started producing the liquid gold approximately 40 seconds ago and it was decidedly 30 seconds too slow.
He turned at the question, eyebrow raised and came face-to-chest with Captain America. Immediately, Tony leaned away from the wall of muscle, both hands raised by his head in a gesture of surrender.
"Whoa, whoa!" He snarked, "Personal space, Steve. Making advances on the first date? Very naughty." Tony admonished with more than a hint of sarcasm.
Despite his words, close proximity to other people put the genius on edge. Almost everyone that came within spitting distance of him was usually out for his blood, so yeah, Tony Stark was uncomfortable with invasion of privacy. It was understandable. Really, it was.
The super soldier respectfully took a step back, apparently distracted, seemingly not paying much attention to the words, but clearly understanding the body language. Only then did Tony allow his eyes to travel to Steve's flustered face. He blinked in confusion, but chose to resist asking the guy what the problem was.
"Stark tower is 100% green, my star spangled Neanderthal." He replied in proud voice. Tony should be proud of this, why would the man who revolutionized clean energy decide to further pollute the atmosphere? That was what he liked to call pretty damn contradictory. Besides, it wasn't like the man didn't have the resources.
When his statement was met with a blank look Tony allowed an exasperated sigh to leave his lips as if the man in front of him were the dullest creature he'd ever met. But he did it in a nice way.
"No paper. That includes the 20 pages full of depressing updates kind."
Tony continued, disregarding the other's interruption for the sake of interrupting the interruption because being interrupted pisses Tony Stark off.
"Not a sheet of paper in the tower. Zilch. None, zip, negatory, nada."
With that, Tony returned his attention where it belonged. His coffee. He reached longingly over his tablet to remove the container and pouring the murky brown liquid in his cup.
Meanwhile Steve bounced up and down on the balls of his feet in anxiety. The billionaire didn't understand! Steve's eyes flickered from the man's completely at ease posture to the marble counter top in the center of the kitchen area 5 feet behind him. This was urgent!
"Tony!" He exclaimed, trying to convey the importance of the situation in his demanding tone.
In response, Tony lazily sipped his coffee, apparently unconcerned with Captain America's issues. He tapped the transparent surface of his tablet which was still resting on the counter top.
That got his attention. The older man whirled around angrily, tablet and coffee in hand, to face Steve who was clenching and unclenching his fists, his tense body screaming stress. Stark was clearly irritated by Steve's lack of 'This-is-Tony-Stark's-coffee-time-and-it-is-sacred' awareness.
Did Steve not understand that his coffee was a work of art? It was meant to be enjoyed in peace. This particular cup of coffee probably cost more than 1/3 of New York. The super soldier would have been appalled if he'd known, but for the moment Steve's focus was elsewhere.
"What!" Tony demanded. "Don't you have a boy scout to find so he can earn his 'I-helped-a-buff-senior-citizen-cross-the-street badge' or something?"
"I- I just…I really need a newspaper." Steve's voice was small and strained, but insistent. He was still twitching and glancing fearfully behind him.
The billionaire grumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'send' and 'Steve' and 'as donation to retirement home'.
"I just said there are none, Rogers. Stark tower is all tech. Just the idea of something so…primitive tainting my baby…" He trailed off and shuddered realistically. Then he leaned back on the counter behind him, entirely unphased by Steve's obvious discomfort. In truth he had been trying to decipher what was troubling his teammate, but he was growing tired of watching Steve fidget like an animal in pain.
"Here." Tony continued lazily, thrusting the nearly weightless tablet in Steve's direction.
The man grabbed it on reflex, feeling the sleek design against his fingertips. It was so…delicate. No, this wouldn't do at all.
When he raised his head to say so Stark waved a flippant hand in his direction and brought his coffee to his lips.
"What you're holding is a work of genius, literally. It has wireless connection anywhere in the world, has almost unlimited memory capacity, is untraceable, impossible to hack, pressure-resistant, water proof and transmits limitless data constantly. There's your newspaper, Cap, it downloads all the recent news digitally via satellite transmission. Go crazy." He said all of this as if the clearly advanced object were insignificant to him.
Steve turned his head to look behind him and cringed.
"Tony…are you sure?" He asked.
Tony was already walking away, he simply raised a hand in acknowledgement and said, "Yes, yes I'm sure."
Regretfully, Steve glanced at the technology in his hands before turning abruptly and slamming it down as hard as his super soldier strength would allow on the counter top behind him. The tablet met the marble with a crack that resonated loudly in the quiet room.
A loud exclamation of, "What the fuck, Cap!" could be heard somewhere to Steve's left as he slowly lifted the tablet and glanced beneath it warily. The Captain smiled in satisfaction.
It's a good thing everything Stark engineers is virtually indestructible.
The spider never knew what hit it.
The itsy bitsy spider scares the crap outta Cap,
Down came the tablet and smushed the spider, splat.
Tony spills rich coffee all over his floor
I'm never gonna drink this much caffeine again.