This is one of my first excerpts of het sex so I hope y'all like it. It all started with a random thought of 'I wonder how Mal would react to Kaylee ravishing him?'. So I wrote it. Warnings for angst and PWP (Plot? What plot?)

No spoilers in this one.

I own nothing. If I did there would be a lot more sex.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

-Herman Hesse

Mal knows he shouldn't be doing this, it just ain't right, and it definitely ain't the sane thing to do, but it seems like it don't make a damn bit of difference. Especially when Kaylee has that look on her face sayin' 'I want you,' and starts tugging his arm in the direction of the engine room late one night.

I should stop this, he thinks. I should just tell her I can't be doin' this no more. It ain't right. She's too young, too sweet, and he isn't. He's old, and broken, and it's been a good long while since he had a real heartbeat. Sure, he's got the one that's pumpin' his blood, but the one deep down, he lost that 6 years ago on Serenity Valley.

Dead man walkin', that's all he is. He knows this like he knows his boat, sure as the stars that surround them.

Kaylee shouldn't have to deal with a dead man. She's better than that. Better than him and all his colossal fuckups.

So when he's finally pulled into the engine room and the door is shut firmly behind them, he decides to say it, end it, right here, right now. But Kaylee makes the first move and kisses him hard and fast, and its sweet and sure. It's so good he forgets all the go-se in his life and just breathes all that goodness in. It fills his mouth and his belly and his cock too, and suddenly it's taking a lot of effort to remember what he's supposed to be saying.

But Mal reminds himself. He always does. He needs to set an example, what with bein' the Captain and all. The words get stuck in his throat though, and the next sound he makes is a quiet moan of pleasure as Kaylee starts sucking on that real sensitive spot on his neck.

Kaylee knows his body well. Knows what makes him groan and sweat and harden in his pants. She's always been good with knowing how things tick, whether it be with Serenity or with him.

There's a whole bunch of guilt riding that thought. He should be taking care of her, not the other way around.

Mal remembers promising her daddy that he'd take care of her. If the man knew what happened between them on some nights, he knows he'd be corpsified with just a look.

Then Kaylee strokes the skin of his chest, and Mal puts thoughts of Kaylee's daddy firmly from his mind. He wraps his arms around that slim waist of hers, pulls her tight up against him and kisses her back the way she should be kissed: thoroughly, deeply, properly.

He hears her moan, a real sweet sound, and that little thing of a girl starts undoing buttons and ties so fast it would make a military man weep. Mal's cock is filling so that it's tight in his pants. He reminds himself that this is also about her – gorram it, it's always been about her, whether he wants to admit it or not – and unzips her coveralls. She ain't wearing a shirt under it this time, and Mal cups the heavy softness of her breasts in his hands. Her nipples are hard as raisins and wine dark. Beautiful. When he rolls them between his fingers she stiffens up, pushes him up against the wall and really starts to kiss him.

She's a resilient one, Mal thinks. Strong as any woman he could ever think of, and Mal has always liked strong women. Prefers them, in fact. It surprises him that it's taken this long for that to sink into his head.

Kaylee ends the kiss, looks up all innocent-like, wraps her hand around his partly clothed cock and says with catholic schoolgirl sweetness: "Like this, Cap'n?"

"You're gonna be the death of me, girl, you know that?" He says real quiet into her ear. Kaylee smiles brightly, and Mal suspects that they both know on some level that she will be.

Kaylee starts to take it a step further. Layers of restricting cloth are pushed aside and Kaylee grasps Mal's cock again. It's damn near perfect and Mal hisses through his teeth at her touch.

They should be in a bed. He should have taken her there and ravished her properly, stripped each layer of her clothing off one by one and watched the flush rise in her cheeks, seen her eyes dilate with the things he did. They've never been able to get there though. It's the engine room, or the cockpit, and once when they were feeling adventurous, right there on the galley table. As Mal picks her up he thinks he knows why: Because Serenity is more them than a bed would be. This ship is an extension of the both of them.

"Wuh de mah (mother of God), Mal, I need you." She gasps and pushes her coveralls off one leg, then wraps both of them long, long legs around his middle.

He's never been partial to saying no to a woman what needs it, and The look in Kaylee's eyes tells him that's all she is now: heat and want and need, and it's all directed at him. She pushes the unbuttoned shirt from his shoulders so it falls forgotten on the floor, hoists herself up a little higher, and Mal can't breathe because Kaylee's suddenly right there, lined up with his cock, and she's sliding down his shaft. It's hot and tight and wet and oh - Oh, juh jen sh guh kwai luh duh jean jan (Oh, this is a happy development) it's so good Mal could cry.

This here's the part where Mal kinda stops thinking. It's not that he's stopped being careful, or mindful of Kaylee and the pleasure he wants to give her, it's just the higher functioning part of his brain, the voice that tells him he ain't good enough for her gets pushed to the back of his head for a spell.

And damn, but she knows how to make a man moan. She may be young, but she knows what she's doing. Kaylee slides down and grinds into him so he's right to the root. He can feel her wetness slide along his balls. Then up again, real slow like, so the very tip is inside her. Then the slow trek starts again. Over and over and Mal doesn't want it to stop. Never in a million years does he want this to stop.

She rides him slow for a time, her hot breath rising goose-flesh on his skin. He kisses her again on her mouth, her cheek, her neck and every other place he can reach. Mal can feel that he's getting closer and just for a little while he lets himself feel all the goodness wrapped around him. He feels Kaylee getting close, too. She makes little unh, unh, unh, noises every time he slides back home, and her skin is dappled with sweat. They both are.

"Wait-" She moans and it takes a powerful strength of character to stop.

"Not that I'm minding," Mal stutters, "but is there a reason-"

Kaylee points a trembling finger to the hammock close to the corner. "Lie down. I wanna ride you."

Mal, impossibly, grows harder inside her. "Don't know if I can make it." Mal grates, but it's too late, she's already stepped out of his grasp, and he's slid out of her.

"Sure you can." She smiles a wicked smile and Mal wants nothing more than to bring this woman off as sweetly and thoroughly as ever he could.

He nods and goes to the hammock. It takes a little maneuvering, but eventually he's lying on his back, and Kaylee strips the last of her clothes off and climbs back on him. She's so gorram beautiful. It almost takes his breath away.

She kneels over him and once again he's home inside her. It's a smooth quick slide that makes Mal gasp. In this position she's the one in charge. It's something Mal doesn't want to change for the 'verse.

It happens fast, after that. Mal rests his hands solidly on the rise of her hips and thrusts deeply. Kaylee's fingers twine into his hair and she leans in to kiss him and her tongue stokes his just like the way she fucks him.

Everything blurs, Mal's chest aches and his balls contract.

For one perfect moment everything stalls. He comes hard inside her. He tried pulling out once but she got a little ornery. This is how she wants it, and so he does. Seconds later Mal feels Kaylee clenching around him. He's always been very sensitive right after coming, and feeling her reach climax is an exquisite pain he almost doesn't want to end.

Kaylee slumps against his chest, slick and breathing heavily into his neck, and he slides his hands up and holds her against him. He traces nonsensical patterns over her back.

She never wants to talk after. Mal is infinitely grateful for that.

His brain starts to thinking again though, eventually. It starts thinking about all the things Kaylee could be for him. All the things he can't be for her.

"That was fun." Kaylee murmurs into his neck.

Mal snorts. "That's definitely one way to put it."

Kaylee gives him a kiss that's full of life, then gets up to put her clothes back on.

The moment is gone so quickly Mal finds himself feeling very, very alone, even though Kaylee's right there beside him.

Mal dresses and once again he's the captain and she's the mechanic.

Kaylee says she needs to work on a few things before heading to sleep. Mal nods and leaves for a long, cold night in his bunk.

Before he falls asleep Mal thinks that with enough doses of Kaylee's warm kisses and sunlight laughter, maybe, just maybe, he could start trying to get that heart of his beating again.

Maybe he could be more to her than just a dead man walkin'.