Hello everybody! So, yeah, I started a new story. A Bobobo to be more exact! I've been in a rather Bobobo mood for a while and decided, "Yeah, sure, why the halibut not?" and so this came along. I haven't decided on a pairing yet (and feel free to tell me who you want to see) but I hope you like it, and if you have anything to tell me or a little advice to give me like, "MOAR CONTINUITY!" or "Needs more cowbell." then please do so. I'm always looking for new ways to better my writing. And to my readers of Hoist the Colors, don't worry, I plan to update that sometime in the near future. So just hang tight and should the story experience a sudden loss of hair, hair nets will be dropped from the ceiling and are to be placed firmly over your scalps. If you're reading with a small child then place your hair net on yourself first and let the little booger fend for himself. Alright, LET'S ROLL!
Disclaimer: Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo belongs to Yoshio Sawai. Alma and the Spirit Bell Fist belongs to me.
In the year 3001.5, Czar Baldy Bald the Fourth rules with an iron scalp. The Chrome Dome Empire is at its peak of ruling over its citizens and gaining many more kingdoms in its quest for world domination over the skinhead lack-of-hairstyle. The Hair Hunters, charged with turning every luscious head of hair into a field of shiny skin by tearing out every single strand of hair with their fists since the ban of the weed whacker after that unfortunate incident back in the Great Watermelon War of—
"Oi! They've seen the show! I think they get it!"
And just who, pray tell, are you?
"Name's Alma, master of the Spirit Bell Fist, the only psychic to win the lottery AND McDonald's employee of the month for four months in a row!"
Ooh, well aren't we proud.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Ya'll just jelly! Now get outta here! This is my story and I'LL be the one to tell it."
Fine. If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.
"Alright, now then, where to start? How about the Great Watermelon War of—"
Why not the first time you met Bobobo?
"Hey-hey-hey-HEY! Whose story is this!?"
"Noooo. NO! Did this happen to ya? Did you live this? Did your momma make you take your shoes off and walk around in the snow for five hours? I ask you again, WHOSE STORY IS THIS!?"
"Yeah, now be quiet so I can tell them about it!"
…. I need some aspirin…
It was a day like any other. I'd just gotten my new assignment from the big kahuna himself, Czar Baldy-Bald. He had charged me to track down and apprehend someone who has been destroying his Hair Hunt bases, some big cat with a huge afro and fought with nose hairs, by the name of Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo. Last they heard, he was seen leaving G-Block with some little chickadee.
"Alright. This should be easy as pie. I'll just whip this cat like cool whip and, ba-da-bing ba-da-boom, Baldy Bald's happy and I get to keep my hair." I said to myself, standing on the trail in the desert that led the way to where G-Block was based. I couldn't fathom the thought of losing my neon green hair, spiked into a large fauxhawk with pieces on the side to frame my face and bangs that barely covered my eyes. It was the main source of my power! Well, actually the bells on the tips of my spikes were but I'll tell you that later when it's relevant.
The wind was also blowing, whipping up the desert sand and getting it all in my clothes. Do you know how gritty sand is when you got it rubbing all up on your underwear and in your ears? Yeah, I picked a bad day to wear my usual outfit.
I wore my usual zip-up green hoodie sweater with a monkey face on the back—because I loved monkeys—over a little blue and orange striped tank top number that clung to my body like it was a swimsuit. Well, actually, it was since I never knew when I'd get a mission that sends me to a beach. Man, I loved the beach; except for the sand that is. Man, I hated sand. My yellow hip huggers barely did anything to keep the grains out of my derriere and I could feel the sand rubbing between my toes in my red converse sneakers. Yeah, I guess I should have planned ahead.
While waiting for this Bobobo guy to show up, I got bored. There really wasn't much to do in the middle of the desert and I didn't want to get sand in my Gameboy so I did the next best thing; I held a cooking show!
"So now set our soufflé off to the side to rise, we now set our sights to the main course: Baby seals stuffed with jalapenos and green olives!" I said into the camera, standing behind a counter with all sorts cooking utensils in front of me with a large oven and kitchen stuff behind me. Picking up a large butcher knife, I pulled a giant koi fish that most certainly wasn't a baby seal because I didn't want my viewers to flame me in my first chapter in front of me. "So, after we fillet the baby seal—"
"AHH! Cooking with Alma! I LOOOOVE this show! Miss Alma, MISS ALMAAAAAAA!" Someone shouted in a very shrill but masculine voice. I paused, looking past the cameras and studio audience and into the distance to see… Well, what looked like a large schoolgirl with an impressive yellow afro and braids.
Was that…? Could it be…? Yes, please! It was a FAN! I had a fan!
I chuckled modestly, putting the butcher knife away and looking at the camera. "Looks like we have a fan on the show folks! This is something that happens quite a lot so just bear with me, please!" It really didn't but I just wanted to make myself seem popular. The schoolgirl made it to me, dwarfing me in her massive size. Up close, she actually seemed rather… Manly. And the sunglasses she wore just blocked her eyes from me. Oh well, any fan was welcome! "Everyone, welcome my new guest to the show!"
The schoolgirl flounced onto the stage, twirling around and curtseying. "Oh Alma, I've been your biggest fan since I was just a little sprout! Your egg salad is just divine and your tuna smelt surprise makes me go all squishy inside and out!"
"Why, thank you, little lady!" I grinned, placing my hands on my hips proudly as I could feel my ego inflating to irrational proportions.
"Why, I could just eat your food all day and night! My mama doesn't make it as good as you, she'll end up putting too much salt on it and causing my gastrointestinal problems to act up , but I sometimes sneak it to the squids at night and they all love it!" She gushed, hiding her brightly blushing cheeks behind very tanned hands.
"You flatter me!" I beamed. "If you don't mind, would you introduce yourself to the viewers?"
"For sure!" She grinned, spinning around like a ballerina and striking a pose. "My name is Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo! Call me Bobobo! Nice to meet you all!"
"That's nice." I smiled. The bells on the tips of my spikes chimed eagerly, pulling my attention away from the simpering schoolgirl. I glanced up at them; they were trying to tell me something. To be honest, I felt like I was forgetting something myself. Something was off about this girl, the way she squirmed around and giggled bashfully behind her fists. It just wasn't… Right. I observed her, scanning her from head to toe. From the afro, the glasses, the dark skin, the large build. Something wasn't adding up… And then it hit me.
"YOU'RE A DUDE!" I gaped, jumping up on the counter and pointing accusing finger at the man in drag. Of course! It was so obvious! No girl in their right mind would wear that shade of lipstick!
"So you saw through my disguise." The man mused in his normal voice, which was actually pleasantly baritone. "I guess I better come clean now. Truth is, I'm not really a fan of your show." I couldn't fight the tears that began pouring down my face and took to sulking in a dark corner of the kitchen set. Just when I thought someone liked me!
"And I'm not really a schoolgirl either." The man went on. Yeah, I could tell… "I'm actually…" The man spun around, clothes flying off him in a tornado of skirts and shirts. When he stopped, he posed in a…. Teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini?
"My eyes! BLEACH! SOMEONE GET ME SOME BLEACH!" I screamed, trying to shield them from the sight before me. Suddenly, some kid with bright spikey orange hair and wearing a black robe with a giant sword on his shoulder popped up from behind the counter. "Did someone call?"
"Not you!" I shouted, kicking the kid into the oven and turning it on high. Going back to the large man in the bikini, I shuddered violently seeing him posing seductively and looking bashful.
"Oh, oops. Sorry, wrong costume change." He spun around again, this time stopping in what was supposed to be his regular clothes. A light blue shirt that showed off his midriff and gaped at the collar and down his chest with two large gold buttons, black pant, and dark brown boots. "I'm actually Bobobo-Bo Bo-Bobo!"
"You told me that already!" I shouted then just relaxed. Jumping off the counter as a bunch of platypus workers came and swept the set, audience and camera away into a large incinerator built in the ground, I pulled out a pad of paper from inside my jacket. "But now that you're here, I can finally get this job done. Just hang tight, Mr. Bobobo, I got something I need'a check." I hummed as I flipped through the pad of paper, coming to a stop on a page. "Ah-ha! Bobobo-Bo- Bo-Bobo!"
"Can we say my name any more times in this chapter?" He asked, hand on his hip as he waited patiently.
I ignored him, instead smirking as I read the paper, flipping the pad of paper closed then stuffing it back into my inside pocket and pointing up at the man with a malicious grin on my face. "Your time is up, afro-man! I was charged by the big boss himself to kill you before you did any more damage to the Hair Hunt Empire!"
Bobobo looked at me skeptically, raising a brow. "You're pretty puny to be a Hair Hunter."
I scowled, feeling my blood pressure rising. "I wouldn't say 'Hair Hunter' per-say. I'm just the person who Baldy Bald calls on when his regular troops can't take care of something and his elites are too busy on vacation. I just let him employee me for the free stuff."
"What kind of free stuff?" He asked, interest piqued.
"Free health care, free dental plans, free t-shirts, free mugs, free chopsticks, all the pasta I can eat and free 2-for-1's at any 3 star restaurants, hotels and resorts." I listed off on my fingers. Baldy Bald had a way of keeping people around like that.
"Sounds like a great deal!" He gushed. "Where do I apply? I could use a good dentist! Does the pasta include those swirly ones and elbow macaroni?"
"I can recommend you if you—HEY! I'm supposed to be killing you now!" I glowered at him, getting down in a fighting stance. "Stop distracting me and let's fight!"
He stared at me for a moment, not moving before saying, "My mama always told me not hit a girl. I refuse!" He then crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. I openly gaped, staring at him with wide eyes. No one has ever refused to fight me!
"Aw, come on! One little fight!" I begged, running up to him and tugging on his sleeve.
"Just do it!"
"Nuh-uh!" He turned away stiffly.
"Come on! Pretty please with sugar, cherries, pickles, pimentos, low-fat chocolate syrup and wasabi sauce on top?"
"Not gonna happen." He shook his head. I was starting to get pissed off now. Backing away, I set his back with the hardest glare I could muster, which probably wasn't that intimidating since my eyes were practically neon pink.
"Fine! Don't fight me! It'll make killing you so much easier." I snarled, getting down in my fighting stance. I created a circle with my thumb and forefingers on both hands, linking them together like a chain with the rest of my fingers on my right hand facing up while the ones of the left faced down. Focusing my energy, a blue aura surrounding me, the bells chiming menacingly atop my hair as power surged forth and I shouted, "Fist of the Spirit Bells: Soul Stealer!"
The top bell on my hair jingled, jittering with energy before a giant black hand shot out of it, flying towards Bobobo with its long fingers outstretched to grab at him. I smirked, the hand opening wide and about to plunge into his back. This was going to be a piece of pie!
"Alright, you asked for it." The man suddenly spun around, the spirit hand missing and dissipating into a mist ahead of him. I glared at him, readying another attack when I suddenly stop, staring at him in disbelief.
He was dressed in a dark green jumpsuit with a large pack on his back with a vacuum hose attached to it. He held up some sort of box with a large antenna on it. "Hm, the EMF readings are off the scale here!" I watched him, confused as he waved the box around, getting closer and closer to me. When he held the EMF reader up to my hair, the radar on it began to go off like a siren.
"WOW! These readings are off the chart! Miss, are you aware that you got ghosties living in your hair?" He asked, eyeing the bells in my hair. I was growing annoyed now. Pushing him away, I said,
"Look, buddy! If you won't take this seriously, you're gonna be in for a world of hurt!"
"What now!?" I facepalmed, both of us looking in the distance to seem someone running towards us. I raised a brow, watching as the form became clear through the veil of sand. A cute young girl with short pink hair and big blue eyes ran towards us, wearing a short white jacket over a red shirt, blue pants held up by a belt with a red heart buckle and plain black shoes. She immediately went to Bobobo, a deep frown set on her face and completely ignoring me.
"Bobobo! Where have you been!? I turn around for two seconds to buy us some sodas and when I come back, you're gone!" She yelled, clearly miffed at the taller man. Now that she was closer, I could see she hard large black bracelets on her arms and blue dangling earrings.
"Aw, I'm sorry Beauty!" Bobobo said bashfully, wringing his hands and looking down at the girl, back in his normal clothes. "I was going to make you a present for your birthday."
"My birthday isn't even for another four months!" The girl cried. Ignoring her, Bobobo then ran behind me, lifting me up from underneath my arms and ignoring my cries of protest. "But look! I made a friend!"
"Hey! Put me down you muscle bound freak!"
"I think she's a hedgehog." He ignored me, patting my hair. I growled audibly, sneering at the idiot who refused to put me down.
"She's a human!" The girl yelled, relaxing with a sigh and pinching the bridge of her nose. Changing her focus, she sent me the sweetest smile that almost made my teeth rot from the inside out. "I'm sorry about him. He's a little… Out there." She said a little strained. "Um… I'm Beauty and—Bobobo! Put her down!" She noticed how I glared out at nothing, stiff as a board as Bobobo showed off his musical talents and played 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Deodorant Stick' with the bells on my hair. The man frowned, his lower lip jutting out in a pout but complied all the same and I jumped swiftly away from him and Beauty, keeping them in my sights.
"Okay, enough of this." I huffed, looking from Beauty to Bobobo. I was going to feel bad about killing Beauty, she was so darn sweet, but it was the boss's orders to kill them both if I didn't want to end up having the entire Hair Empire riding on my tail. "Baldy Bald wants you dead and I've got some pies waiting in the oven. So let's just get this over with before those pies burn!" I then created my hand formation, feeling my energy surge and go straight to the bells that chimed with power. "Fist of the Spirit Bells: A Grave Encounter!" The energy rocketed to them, separating into two lines before taking the form of gravestones with their faces on them, ready to crush the two into the ground. Beauty shrieked in shock, trying to jump away as the energy followed her every move.
"Fist of the Nosehair: Exorcism or Bust! Don't spit pea soup at me!" I suddenly found myself flying through as two big black nose hairs whooped my butt, landing hard on my back and dispelling my attack. Okay, I admit, I forgot he could do that… I groaned, sitting up to see Bobobo dusting his hands off, two nose hairs retreating quickly into his nostrils. Beauty cowered behind him, her eyes wide.
"You're a Hair Hunter!?" She screamed, frightened. I sighed, staggering to my feet.
"Again, I'm just a free-lance fighter for the big guy. I just do what I'm told and reap the benefits."
"So you're a bounty hunter!?" Beauty gasped.
"No, I'm a…. Actually, yeah. That's pretty much what I'm like." Except I didn't get paid a whole lot.
"You're not very good at your job then." Bobobo said innocently, shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched me. Sending him a dark glare, I rotated my shoulders and said, "Pfft, why do you think I'm just a bounty hunter? I usually take out the smaller game and even then, I just let them off with a stern warning."
"But… Why do you fight for Czar Baldy Bald?" Beauty asked curiously, her previous fear of me forgotten apparently.
I just shrugged, "He took me in and gave me a home when no one else would, saying he saw some sort of usefulness for my fist. I didn't really care then, he just let me do my own thing while sending me to deal with some hooligans that threatened to throw off his groove and I let him do his. Though I don't really approve of what he's doing, I'm sort of indebted to him." Bobobo and Beauty seemed silent for a moment, both watching me thoughtfully. Well, Beauty was, I couldn't tell with Bobobo. For all I knew, he fell asleep.
"Ooh, Mr. Whippy~ Let's go tip-toe through the tulips!" Yep, that confirmed my suspicions as the man's head lolled back after his outburst and began snoring louder than a bear with a head cold. In a time like this, I guess there was only one thing left to do.
"… Wanna go for a smoothie?" I asked, looking over at Beauty. The girl's eyes widened for a moment before she just shrugged her tiny shoulders, walking over to me.
"Can I get strawberry banana?" She asked as we walked off into the sunset, leaving behind a snoozing Bobobo and heading for the nearest pit stop as I decided if I wanted blueberry kiwi or sour apple with cherries. Although, there is one thing that I wanted to ask before I bought us anything.
"Hey, you think I can travel with you guys? I've been looking for a way to get out of this bounty hunting gig and back at Baldy." I didn't receive a vocal answer; just a sweet smile from Beauty and that was all the confirmation I needed. Somewhere at the back of my head, a bell rang pessimistically that this was going to be one heck of a journey.