!Arriba Fireworks! (or: Use Punctuation Correctly)
A small six year-old boy held an alarm clock over the bed of his parents, a tall balding man and his brown-haired wife.
The boy turned the alarm volume up at full blast, and put some earphones he'd gotten from nowhere over his head as the seconds counted down.
It didn't take long before it rang.
Mom and Dad shot out of bed as the sound echoed throughout the house. Exactly how it did this, seeing how the house wasn't metal, is up for debate.
"Wakey, wakey!" screamed Calvin. "Today's the Fourth of July!"
Calvin grabbed a hat decorated with the American flag, put on an Uncle Sam beard, and dancing across Mom and Dad's bed while singing The Star Sprinkled Banner.
Dad grabbed the alarm clock and shoved it in Calvin's face.
"WHY ARE YOU SO ENTHUSIASTIC!" screamed Dad.
Calvin inexplicably grinned and explained, "I have no idea! The only reason people care about is for the fireworks!"
Calvin went skipping out of the room singing a peppy tune.
Mom glared at Dad, then went back to sleep.
Later that day, Calvin and Hobbes were in the car and heading for town.
"I can't wait to get our fire works!" Said Calvin.
"'Fire works?'" Dad laughed. "You need to stop putting unnecessary spaces in words. It makes you sound illiterate. Besides, we're not getting any!"
Calvin's grin dropped like a ton of bricks. It ended up burrowing through the center of the Earth.
"WHAT?" he screamed.
"We can't have any dangers this year, now can we?" Said Dad.
"Of course we can!" protested Calvin. "That's what Independence Day is all about! Loud booms and bright lights! There's no reason why we can't endanger people's lives for our own amusement!"
ABRUPT SCENERY CHANGE
"That'll be four fifty." said the lady at the checkout stand in the GeneriCo grocery store.
"You sure you don't want another teleporting cupcake, Calvin?" asked Mom, completely oblivious to his conflict.
"Screw y'all." Calvin muttered. It's a wonder he got away with saying it.
At home Calvin and Hobbes were holding a 4th of July meeting of G.R.O.S.S.
"This meeting of Get Rid Of Slimy girlS shall now be called to order." Calvin said, pushing his newspaper hat into place.
"Hear, hear." Hobbes said, clapping.
"As of now," Calvin said. "News report shall be held early. First Tiger Hobbes shall record the minutes."
Hobbes took out a notepad and a pencil, and started writing.
"Our new enemy of the club is called DAD. Don't ask why it's all-caps, that's why it's so important." Calvin declared.
Hobbes quickly wrote that down. "Dad new enemy. Much confusion over why a male is our new enemy."
"He, as of now, has deprived us of Independence Day!" Calvin announced.
Hobbes wrote furiously. "Doesn't give us fireworks. Many critics start heckling."
"Now, we have a desperate mission: We must make our own fireworks, and soak Dad."
"And there was much rejoicing." Hobbes wrote. "Yay."
"Our revenge shall be well planned and mapped out!" Calvin yelled, punching the air.
"The rejoicing continues, many start trying to eat themselves for some reason." Hobbes wrote.
"Now moving on to the next event." Calvin announced.
Hobbes wrote, "Dictator for life finish up news, many boos and obscene gestures."
"How can we make the fireworks?" Calvin asked Hobbes.
"Well," Hobbes said. "What are other fireworks made of?"
"Metal, rockets, TNT, and fancy paint." Calvin replied, dully.
"MMMM!" Hobbes thought out loud, defeating the purpose of thinking in the process. "Where can we get those?"
Calvin shrugged, and leaned against the wall of the tree house.
"We can borrow the rockets from the Time Machine, and use that unstable nuclear device Grandma gave me last Christmas, but I don't know where we can get metal or TNT."
"We could use the bomb your Grandpa gave you," Hobbes suggested. "But that still leaves the problem about metal."
"Yes." Calvin agreed. "Dad's such a safety freak, we wouldn't be able to find any metal within fifty miles of our house!"
"Perhaps we can find a substitute?" He asked.
Calvin shook his head.
"Is there such a thing as a metal replacement?" he asked.
"Yes." Hobbes replied.
"Well, then heck with it. We need REAL metal for no real reason at all." Calvin said.
Just then, Mom called Calvin into the house for lunch.
Calvin and Hobbes climbed down the rope ladder, and walked into the house.
"Who are we fooling, Calvin?" Hobbes asked. "We can't make fireworks. They're too complicated."
"Plan B." Calvin whispered.
Calvin and Hobbes rushed into the living room where Dad was reading a book.
Abandoning all their pride, Calvin and Hobbes bent down on their knees, and put their hands together into a prayer, and started whining.
"PUH-LEEEEESE GET US FIREWORKS!" Calvin pleaded.
"Do you really think I'll let you?" Dad replied.
"Just some sparklers then!" Calvin yelled.
"Nah." Dad said, not looking up from his book.
"GET US SOMETHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH LIGHTS!" Calvin screamed, abandoning his Bambi eyes.
"We have flashlights that change colors." Dad said simply.
Calvin jumped up in anger.
"OH! You accept flashlights? What if the bulb explodes? What if we get shocked from electricity from it! What we poke our eyes out with the batteries while putting them into the flashlight?"
"Geez, and you think I'm a safety freak." Dad said, not noticing the irony at all.
"REVENGE! RE-VEEEEEEEEEENGE!" Calvin screamed, dragging his stuffed tiger up the stairs.
A few minutes later, Calvin had tied all his bed sheets together, and threw it out the window.
They crawled out of the window, abandoning all of physics in the process, and rushed into town.
"Ok, Hobbes." Calvin said. "All we have to do is buy a couple of fireworks, and then, set them off tonight. We'll say to Mom and Dad we didn't do it, and kabaam! A wonderful 4th of July."
"Why are you sounding things out loud?"
Calvin shrugged. "I have no idea."
"Sorry kid, you have to be 18 or older to make a purchase." The man at the stand said, in a remarkably deadpan way.
"WHAT?" Calvin screamed. "I'll have you know that I am 18 or older! I'm actually 52, and haven't started puberty yet!"
"Sorry kid, you're going to have to have a better grasp on the human lifecycle to get past me." the man said.
"OK, here!" Calvin grabbed his magic marker, and poked red dots all over his face. "Here ya go! Pimples! Now gimme!"
"Get out of here." the man spat. Calvin grumbled, and walked away.
"Perhaps you should've learned basic human biology first." Hobbes said.
"Shut up!" Calvin spat, wiping the magic marker off his face. "Two can play at His little game!"
"Since when is he a deity?"
Calvin stared. "You have a strange mind."
A tall man wearing a suit walked up to the fireworks display.
"Hello." He said in a deep voice. "I'd like to buy some fireworks."
"Nice try." the man said.
"What are you talking about?" the man asked.
"I know it's you, kid," said the man. He ripped the hat off. Revealing a very angry man's face.
"Whoop!" The guy said. "Sorry, dude. Here's your works."
Seconds after that man left, thankfully not questioning the use of "works", another one came up.
"Hello!" he said in a deep voice. "Gimme some works."
The man took the hat off, revealing a stuffed tiger's head.
"Get out of here." he muttered.
Calvin took the suit off, and walked away, grumbling.
"That's a sharp guy." Hobbes observed, a little later. "He destroyed our clone of Dad, ignored us when we came up and demanded them, and threw us in a garbage can when we started bombarding him with water balloons."
"That guy's tough!" Calvin spat. "It might be weeks before we get something!"
"Perhaps we should try reasoning with him." Hobbes suggested.
"That's a terrible idea!" Calvin spat. "But wait! If we tried reasoning with him... that's it!" Calvin jumped up in victory. "This is the best joke ever, right?"
"I don't know." Hobbes, sighed, shaking his head.
Minutes later, Calvin and Hobbes had their fireworks.
"That was great!" Calvin yelled. "We simply reasoned with the guy, and we got our works! We should try that more often."
"Yes." Hobbes agreed.
That night, "Hey Calvin, lets go out and watch the fireworks." Dad said.
"Oh, you'll see some fireworks all right." Calvin chuckled.
Outside, the fireworks were amazing.
But Calvin ignored the light show, and set up his own fireworks behind Dad's back, being the wise man that he is.
"You sure this is gonna work?" Hobbes whispered.
"Watch and learn, buddy." Calvin whispered.
Hobbes lit the rocket with his claw and... A SPLODE!
It was amazing.
It was worth Dad whirling around and catching Calvin in the act.
It was the most beautiful display ever.
Bright lights, red colors and a big boom.
Oh, yes, Calvin had to endure a bunch of screaming and cussing from his dad, but considering that he had just seen the most stupendous Intedependence or whatever Day ever, it was worth it.
That night, in bed, Calvin and Hobbes were reliving the magnificence of their earlier experience.
"It was great!" Hobbes sighed.
"Too bad it only happens once a year." Calvin said.
"Say, Calvin, didn't you buy two fireworks?" Hobbes said, suddenly.
"There were two, and I lit 'em too!" Calvin said.
"But I only saw one explosion! Where'd the other one go?" Hobbes asked.
"Who cares?" Calvin asked. "Maybe it went to the Land of Oz, and blew up a witch."
Calvin and Hobbes laughed, and fell asleep to a wonderful, though grammatically incorrect, dreams of their experience.
Outside, high above the clouds in an alien spaceship...
"Well, once again our plan to destroy Earth has failed." the Alien captain said.
"Yes, chief," another said. "It seems that as long as thereare people on Earth, we will never get the upper hand."
"By the way, how do you speak English again?"
Just then, a loud CLUNK sounded outside.
"What was that?" The King asked.
An alien looked onto the radar screen.
"It appears to be... TNT."
"WHAT!" The King screamed. Just then the Firework exploded.
"Whoops!" Captain Obvious said, having just arrived through the window. "There goes our force field."
The sparks from the explosion then got into the engine.
"Whoops!" he said, again. "There go our thrusters."
The king handed another alien a baseball bat.
"Here. Please hit me has hard as you can. With this." He took his crown off, and leaned forward. "Don't hold back – and please don't ask why I'm requesting this. Or why my English is terrible, for that matter."
The alien, grinned stupidly, an raised the bat.
"OW! STOP ACTING LIKE A SOUTHERN PERSON!"
Author's Notes: From here on out, the fic will shift into a new thing - taking the original fic and mocking it thoroughly.
If you are Swing123, please do not mind this fic - your earlier works aren't very good, but you've definitely improved since then!
Also - when you review this story, please keep in mind that this is an affectionate parody.