The New Wacky Races
Story Written by Freedom Fighter
So, earlier this year, I wrote pilot episodes for three different stories and posted them for you all to see. Whichever of them got the most views in the limited amount of time they were up was the one that was guaranteed to become a full series.
Here's your winner, "The New Wacky Races."
If you missed my spiel from the pilot, this is basically my take on a re-imagining of the famed road rally animated series that ran back in the '60s. There are a few things you'll find different from the original; the most notable being that none of the racers from the cartoon (or any direct descendants, as shown in the attempted, official update of the series in 2006) make an appearance. Also, in the original series, there were 11 racers; this series will have 12. But unlike back then, in this story you won't be seeing the same racers every single episode, there are some part-timers on the circuit.
Everything else is pretty much the same. There is no points system, prizes go to the top three finishers, and all racers must cross the finish line in their own car. Otherwise, anything goes (which is why these are the 'Wacky' Races, after all).
That being said, it's time for the first Wacky Race to begin!
Disclaimer: All original characters belong to me; all others are the property of their respective owners.
Fade in to the high elevations of the Cascade Mountains, where 12 vehicles had just begun this week's race.
[After staying the night at the Summit of Snoqualmie Resort, the Wacky Racers have hit on the road on today's 200-mile course! The cars have just reached Interstate 90 and are beginning their quest west.]
Up ahead along Snoqualmie Pass, though, it looked as if Ice King had gotten a hold of a few powerful sticks of dynamite. He was in the process of setting it up on the highway, near the shoulder and the rock wall that had been formed by the manmade carving of the pass. His sidekick, Gunter, was sitting in their car, the Double Zero, and the detonator was with him. The penguin had a pair of binoculars, which he was using to look past his partner and down the road, keeping lookout for the other racers.
[Really, Ice King? I haven't even finished my intro and you're already up to no good?]
"Of course! The early cheater buries the worm, I always say!"
He held up the bundled-up dynamite on the guard rail with one hand and then used his other to freeze it to the metal. Once he was sure it was secure, Ice King ran back to the car. He jumped in and grabbed the plunger, ready to set off the explosives at a moment's notice.
"Tell me when, Gunter!"
Gunter continued to peer through the binoculars. Suddenly, the racers were coming into view, being led by Numbers 9, 6, and 12.
"Wenk!" exclaimed Gunter, waving his flipper up and down rapidly.
That was the signal Ice King had been waiting for! He pushed down on the plunger and ducked for cover, as did Gunter. They disappeared into the seat and were out of sight as the other racers first passed the dynamite, then the Double Zero. After about a minute, Ice King had heard eleven vehicles go by, but no explosion. He finally popped his head back up and looked down the road. The dynamite was still frozen to the guard rail, completely intact.
Ice King jumped out of his car and ran to the dynamite. Once he got there, he checked the wires.
"Hmmm. Don't look frayed or severed. What gives?"
Ice King turned his head back towards the car and saw Gunter had found the end of a wire that was not connected to anything.
Ice King knew what it was supposed to be connected to, and that point was proven as Gunter lowered the wire's end towards the positive terminal of the pushed-in plunger.
"NO, GUNTER, NO!"
Gunter pressed the wire against the terminal. He felt his flipper get shocked, forcing him to lose his grip on the wire, and just a split second later, the dynamite exploded.
Gunter's head turned skyward as he watched Ice King fly up into the air and miraculously land head-first… right behind the car.
"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," snickered Gunter.
The New Wacky Races
Episode 1: Which Way to Vancouver? (08.20.12)
A switch was made over to the race leaders, trying to stay ahead of the pack as some early jockeying for position takes place.
[While we hope that Ice King's crown took the brunt of that landing and not his skull, let's see how the other racers are doing. Davey Edison Jr., in the Formula Firebird is out front.]
A clean-shaven man in a driver's firesuit pilots the Number 9 car, which is a Lamborghini modified with a F1-style spoiler on the back.
"Green, white, checker, baby! I'm taking it all!"
[Number 6, the Redcoat Special, is in second.]
A boat made up of ninety-five percent steel and ground down to the dimensions of a street-legal car tore along the highway, thanks to its eight wheels on the underside. The occupants on board consisted of four men all dressed in British military uniforms resembling those used during the American Revolution. They all looked the same with the exception of their leader, who was wearing a crown.
"The British are coming," the leader declared, "to kick thine shoddy horseless carriages to the curb! Men, let no one pass!"
"Yes, King George!" stated the other three simultaneously.
[From one group of racers from across the pond to another, the Watterson Family, in the Number 12, is holding down third.]
The Wattersons' yellow station wagon was tailing the Number 6 very closely. So much so that Nicole, the matriarch of the family and the one behind the wheel, had to stick her head out the window to see what was ahead.
"Pass 'em, Mom!" shouted Gumball, her son. "Pass 'em!"
Nicole obliged, moving over to the left lane and pressing on the accelerator. The Georges did not take too kindly to that maneuver, though, and began countermeasures – involving loading a cannon position at the stern.
"Cannon R loaded!" shouted the men.
King George gave the command. "Georges… FIRE!"
The cannon went off, but thanks to some slick driving, Nicole managed to steer the car out of the cannonball's way just in the nick of time…
[Next is Kevin Levin in the Number 11.]
…and so did Kevin, though he was not happy about the near miss. And he stuck his head out of his window to prove it, shaking his fist.
"You better not wreck my car, or you'll be in a whole lot of hurt!"
The third racer in line, unfortunately, was not as adept at high-speed dodging. Maybe because the vehicle was shaped like a flying squirrel, with the flying being done courtesy of the propeller sticking out of the top of its head.
Or was, as the cannonball hit the propeller and knocked it off.
[Uh oh! The Trojan Flying Squirrel just lost the 'Flying' part of its title.]
They were forced to stop to pick up their fallen propeller. A doe – a female deer, for the uninformed, got out of the wooden squirrel and went to retrieve it. She used her mouth to grab a hold of it and drag it back to the car.
"That-a-girl, Fawna!" exclaimed Andy Olaf, her human partner and their driver.
Once both Fawna and the propeller were safely inside, they got the Number 4 vehicle back in the race.
[Behind them, there's a dogfight as Mordecai and Rigby in the Number 2, Princess Bubblegum in the Number 5, The American Manly Man in the Number 14, and The Zodiac Triplets in the Number 13, tussle for spots six through nine.]
The triplets, March, April, and May, began chanting for assistance from the inside of their black hearst.
"Power of the rabbit, embed us with fleet feet so we may go faster!"
A magical aura enveloped the car. It got a temporary boost of speed that quickly raced it by the American Manly Man's flag-patterned muscle car, Princess Bubblegum's horseless carriage, and Mordecai and Rigby's souped-up golf cart. Once safely in sixth, the spell wore off.
[Bringing up the rear is the MAD Mobile, which is Number 3, Number 94, the SCarGo, which is sponsored and driven by the staff of Mung Daal Catering, and, lastly but very certainly least, is that wielder of all that is cold, Ice King, in the Double Zero.]
Ice King seemed to be fine after his first failed sabotage attempt, which could only mean more were on the way.
"Barnacles! We'll never win the race from back here! Need something that'll confuse the other racers.
[Speaking of confused, let's talk about the location of today's finish line! The racers have been told that the finish is just outside of Vancouver! There's just one problem… the racers don't know if we're referring to Vancouver, Washington OR Vancouver, British Columbia.]
"All the racers don't know except moi!" proclaimed Ice King.
He opened the glove compartment and pulled out a plain manila envelope. Written on it, in marker, is 'Top Secret: Location of Finish Line.'
[How did you get that, Ice King? That's for race official's eyes only!]
"You think setting up that first trap was the only benefit of waking up early this morning, you schlup?"
Ice King then proceeded to toss the envelope out of the car.
[But you didn't even open it!]
Gunter grabbed a Canadian flag that only now was shown that he was sitting on, and he started waving back and forth. Ice King then gave the narrator a menacing look.
"And if you dare say one peep about this to the other racers, I'll fill your undergarments so full of ice cubes that you'll wish you had nothing down there!"
With that, Ice King got on the gas and started passing cars.
[Although I can't tell the other racers which Vancouver they need to drive to, I CAN tell them that there are three locations in and around the city of Seattle that they can drive to in order to pick up a clue.]
"Did you hear that?" Mordecai said, looking over at Rigby.
"I didn't hear anything," his friend said in reply.
"Dude, you gotta pay attention! We gotta find one of those clues so we can make sure we go the right way!"
"Pfft. We don't need those stinking clues."
"We do if we wanna win!"
Rigby groaned. "But that's work!"
Right behind them, the occupants of the Number 94 machine had also heard the narrator and were deciding what to do.
"As the head chef of this racing team," declared Mung Daal, "I know that a good chef must always fall all instructions! That is why we will go to all three clue locations to ensure that we absolutely, positively, head for the right direction."
Shnitzel, who was navigating, looked at Mung Daal as if he was crazy.
"Radda radda radda radda?"
And Mung's wife, Truffles, agreed.
"WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?"
Mung looked over his shoulder at Chowder, who was in the back, sitting behind Shnitzel.
"Chowder, what do you think?"
The ten-year old's stomach rumbled in agony.
"Do we have anything to eat?"
"Yeah, there's a bag of Burple Nurples next to you."
Chowder looked to his left, and sure enough, there they were.
"But don't eat them all right away. I only brought enough money for gas, so those snacks have to last us the whole you didn't hear me, did you?"
"Nope!" replied Chowder, licking his lips after downing the contents of the bag all in one gulp.
"Radda radda radda?" Shnitzel asked Mung.
"No, we're not stopping for Machos, Shnitzel! What are you, crazy?"
[The racers are now approaching the 405 junction, where they will start splitting off to find as many clues as necessary to figure out which Vancouver the finish line is at.]
A radar showed the twelve vehicles splitting into three even groups of four. One group gets on South I-405, another gets on North I-405, and the third keeps straight ahead on West I-90, towards Seattle itself.
Action began with the group heading south, as they had to go the least distance from the 90/405 interchange to find the location of the clue. Cars 5 and 12 get off at the very first exit, and they stop alongside each other at the stoplight at the end of the ramp. Nicole Watterson waved at Princess Bubblegum as a signal to roll down her window so they could talk.
"Pardon us, Princess, but given as we're not from this area, perhaps you could help us find this high school?"
"I'm not from around here either, but a partnership sounds most splendiferous!"
"I don't know what that word is!" exclaimed Gumball. "She can't be trusted!"
Anais, Gumball's brother, shook her head in dismay.
"Splendiferous means magnificent, Gumball."
"That means wonderful."
"Gah! Such hard words! What does wonderful mean?"
"It means she said yes! Sheesh!"
"Wait, wait," interrupted Richard, their father. "What does magnificent mean again?"
Nicole ignored the pointless banter and accepted Bubblegum's offer.
"Okay. Lead the way?"
The light turned green, and the leader of the Candy Kingdom obliged, taking point on their search for the clue, which was in the lot of a nearby high school. Meanwhile, the Formula Firebird and Old Glory had decided to keep on South 405, which turned out to be a mistake when, just half a mile later, traffic quickly slowed to a snail's pace.
"Get out of the way!" shouted Davey, as he started blowing his car horn. "I'm in a race!"
"You and everyone else!" a random driver from another car shouted back.
Back with the princess and the Wattersons, it turned out that they did not need each other all that long. The high school they were searching for was only a couple blocks away from the freeway. A volunteer was waiting in the parking lot to hand over a clue.
"No apples," Nicole said, reading the clue aloud.
"What kind of apples are we talking about?" Bubblegum wondered aloud.
"Ooh, I know!" exclaimed Gumball. "Darwin!"
Darwin, the family's talking fish with legs, turned a paper bag upside down. Five apples fell out and hit the ground, three of them breaking apart upon impact.
"Down with healthy snacks!" the boys proclaimed.
And their father joined in soon after. "Down with healthy snacks!"
"Richard!" snapped Nicole.
He hung his head in shame, as did the boys. Anais emerged from the family station wagon with a map in hand. She unfolded it in front of her mother and the princess, showing that it detailed the entire Pacific coast.
"There are two Vancouvers. One in this state and one to the north, in the province of British Columbia, in Canada! The state of Washington is known for apples."
Bubblegum interjected. "Thusly, we must conclude that our destination must not be the Vancouver here in Washington!"
Anais rolled her eyes. "Well, duh!"
"Anais!" shouted Nicole, before turning towards Bubblegum. "I'm sorry."
"No worries," Bubblegum assured her. "It's common for those with a certified genius IQ to state that even the most difficult resolutions are obvious ones."
"You're a genius?" questioned Anais.
"Hmmm." Anais started to think. "So I can be a genius AND a princess when I grow up?"
"You can be anything you want if you put your mind to it!"
Anais turned to her mother. "You hear that, Mom? She believes in me! Unlike some people, who believe being a princess isn't an attainable goal…"
Nicole suddenly covered her four-year old's mouth with her hand.
"Now, now, I said nothing of the sort."
She turned towards Princess Bubblegum.
"That last part didn't happen, understand?"
The princess nodded, swearing by it by placing her hand on her left breast.
"I royal promise to forget it!"
Nicole seemed happy, even though she had forgotten that they were being filmed. It had also slipped her mind that they were in a race, as the 9 and the 14 cars pulled into the lot, having escaped from the traffic jam.
"Time to make haste!" Bubblegum said, before hopping back into her car.
Bubblegum pulled away as Nicole tried to get her family back into the wagon.
Meanwhile, the group that had continued on I-90 had started to arrive at the location of the clue, at the first Starbucks at Pike Place Market, in downtown Seattle.
[Looks like the MAD Mobile is taking advantage of being in a major metropolitan area to further their campaign.]
A speaker on the roof started shouting a message for all to here.
"Vote Alfred E. Neuman for President! Alfred E. Neuman for President!"
The van came to a stop right in front of the Starbucks. But instead of the MAD mascot and faux-candidate for U.S. President stepping out, it turned out to be…
[And out to get the clue is this week's MAD celebrity partner, mega-sensational pop superstar Justin Bieber!]
The 18-year old only had to take one step out of the van before a large group of teenage girls, as well as some of their mothers, stampeded into the block. That closed the entire area off, making it hard for anyone to get in or out. And they started screaming off random things.
"I love you Justin!"
"I love you more!"
"I got a tattoo of you on my arm!"
"I'm cutting third period to be here!"
"I walked out of a board meeting to be here!" said one mother.
"I walked out of the nursing home to be here!" said that mother's mother.
Justin finally addressed the exuberant crowd.
"Look, I'd love you all if I was your boyfriend, but I'm trying to help this team win a race."
"We'll do anything to help!" screamed the crowd.
"We'd even kill someone!"
All eyes turned towards the clue holder, who had come out of the Starbucks. She, obviously, instantly regretted signing up for this volunteer gig.
She was tackled and buried under dozens of girls in seconds; she screamed in pain as she felt herself being literally torn apart as they tried to get the clue from her so they could give it to Justin.
[Things are starting to get ugly, and just in time for the Muskrat 5000, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, and the Redcoat Special to appear on the scene.]
The 2, the 4, and the 6 all pulled to a stop at the edge of the block, unable to get any closer to the Starbucks because of the crowd.
"Why are all of these rapscallions trying to rip their clothes off for a simple boy?" asked King George.
"I do not get it," said Andy aloud. "I've heard that boy's music. It sucks."
The words 'It sucks' seemed to reverberate throughout the crowd. The mob turned their attention towards Andy and the other racers.
"Dude, you shouldn't have said that!" exclaimed Rigby.
"Why?" Andy asked, looking back at the raccoon. "I can see it on your face, you think he sucks too!"
"Yeah, but you don't see me telling the whole world! That's a death wish!"
The Bieber fans lunged to attack, but Fawna stepped in and started kicking girls down left and right. Seeing her spurred to action, the guys decided they had to fight as well.
"Rigby!" Mordecai cried.
Rigby ran to the cart to get two golf clubs. He threw one to his friend before charging into the fray, trying to find the clue holder… or what was left of her.
"Go, dude! I'll protect the cart!"
Fawna and two of the Georges followed Rigby in, also trying to get a clue, while the third George, King George, and Andy stayed back with Mordecai to protect their rides.
"We can't shoot minors!" said George #1. "We're not savages!"
One girl reached up and bit George #2 on the left wrist.
"AH! Well, we have to do something!"
They started using the butt of their muskets to take out anyone who would dare attack them. Fawna kept using her legs, while Rigby swung away with his club. Eventually, they reached the girls who had taken the clues from the volunteer and took care of them.
"Retreat!" shouted King George from afar. "Retreat!"
George #1 and George #2 led the party back to the cars. Once reunited with their teammates, the three teams got in their vehicles and backed out of the block.
"Here you go, sir," George #1 said, handing the clue card to his king.
King George took it and read it aloud. "This has a picture of a maple leaf on it. That settles it, my fellow Brits! We march north… to Canada!"
As the 2, the 4, and the 6 left, the 3 was still stuck in the midst of the mob. Alfred E. Neuman, determined to get back in the race, reached out and snatched a card from one of the crazed fangirls. She tried to get it back, but stopped when another girl shouted from the far end of the crowd…
"Hey, Justin's trying to get away!"
Justin was seen running away from the mob, who gladly gave chase.
"I want your babies!" the teenagers shouted.
"I want our daughters to have your babies!" bellowed the mothers.
And the mob chased Justin through the streets of Seattle, never to be seen for the rest of this episode.
[Whew! Glad we got that cameo out of the way already.]
[But let us not forget about the third group, which went north on the 405.]
Kevin Levin parked his car at the entrance to Juanita Bay Park in Kirkland, a northeast suburb of Seattle. Unfortunately, he saw another car had beaten him there.
"The Zodiac Triplets," he said aloud, identifying the trio.
March, April, and May had just gotten their clue from the attendant and were heading back to their vehicle when they crossed paths with Kevin. They were going to pass by each other without incident, but May decided to stop in front of Kevin.
"Did anyone ever tell you that you're hot?"
Upon hearing that, Kevin smirked. But before he could say something back, May's siblings stepped in.
"You could do so much better than him," her sister, April, told her. "He's got a bad aura."
"And he reeks of motor oil," grumbled her brother, March.
Kevin shrugged his shoulders. "Eh, whatever."
He took his clue from the volunteer and went on his way. The triplets watched Kevin, waiting for him to leave before getting into their car.
"You think that neanderthal knows what a Canuck is?" thought March out loud, the word 'Canuck' on the card they had gotten.
"He's such a jock," commented April, "so I'm gonna say no."
Still, they weren't willing to bet the farm on it, so they got back in their car and headed back to the 405.
[And as Number 13 leaves the checkpoint, Number 94 arrives!]
Truffles hopped out of the SCarGo, snatched the card from the volunteer, and ran back.
"What in the hootenanny is a Canuck?"
Shnitzel tried to explain. "Radda radda radda radda…"
But Mung cut him off. "Shnitzel! This is a family-friendly series! But, more importantly, since we don't know, I say we stick by my plan and go get all three clues to be certain we drive to the right Vancouver!"
"Yeah!" Truffles barked. "Do that and watch me strangle you when we come in last!"
"Radda!" agreed Shnitzel.
"Well, what, you want me to just take a guess?"
It turned out he did not need to. The Double Zero pulled up. Ice King got out, picked up the clue, froze the volunteer with his ice powers, and then jumped back in his car.
"Vancouver, Canada, here we come!"
He sped off, unaware that the SCarGo had been parked there. The whole crew had ducked out of sight so he missed seeing them. But once he was away from the checkpoint, they all popped up.
"Radda radda radda?" questioned Shnitzel.
"Yes!" agreed Mung. "That Ice King might not be the most trustworthy shmoe, but that tone of voice is as confident as you can get! Sorry, Truffles, but your idea to go get all three clues is out the window!"
"My idea? THAT WAS YOURS!"
"No matter. Let's set course for Vancouver, British Columbia!"
The Number 94 machine started back up and Mung began an attempt to find his way back to the highway.
[Well, it didn't take as long as I thought, but all of our Wacky Racers now know the finish awaits them in Vancouver, British Columbia! The question is who will get there first? Stay tuned for Part 2 of our thrilling race!]