Warning! Slash and incest lay ahead! So if you don't like that, I suggest you turn back now!
If you are going to proceed, please enjoy!
It's kind of like free falling at first, like he's just suspended in air. Nothing can touch him and there is nothing he can touch. It's not a pleasant feeling, but at least it's change. That's one of the things he's wanted for so long. A difference. A new feeling. Something to tell him that he's indeed still human.
Why didn't I do this sooner? Is the first question his mind raises during this 'suspended' feeling. Would it have made a difference if he had done it sooner? Would it have ended has pain faster? All questions he'd like to know the answers to but probably never would.
He distantly wondered what his mother would think. Would she be angry? Sad? Or just indifferent? Would she even care that he was gone?
And his brother. Would he even bother to show up at the funeral? After everything that had been said between them? Would Matt ever forgive him for his mistakes? For the way he'd torn his brother's fragile world apart?
What about the father he had never known? Would his unknown soul be there the day he was laid to rest? Maybe he would. He would sit there among people he barely remembered just to see his youngest son put in the ground. But that was a stretch, and Jeff knew he shouldn't hope.
In the end, hope always came to stab you in the back.
The 'suspended' feeling was now leaving, growing less and less noticeable. What was going to happen next? He wondered. Would everything go dark then? Would he just cease to exist? Or would he end up somewhere? More questions, although, these were more likely to be answered.
A cold feeling now filled Jeff. One he didn't particularly like. It made him feel unsafe and empty on the inside. He'd always been empty, but not like this. Then there was pain. A small one at first. But gradually it got bigger and bigger, forcing a scream from his lungs. It was like there were thumbtacks shoved into every inch of his skin, even his eyes. He screamed and screamed, wishing for the pain to go away. His pleas were ignored.
The screams got louder and louder as the pain got worse. They said this would happen, but that didn't make things any easier. He reached and covered his ears, hoping to block out the noise. It did him no good. He bit down hard on his lips and fought the tears the threatened to escape from his eyes.
Had he caused this? Had he drove his brother to this? He knew he shouldn't have pushed him away, but what else was he supposed to do? He needed time, time to come to terms with what Jeff had told him.
In that time, Jeff had turned into a shell of his former self. He never went anywhere with anyone and stayed in his room most of the time. Looking back on that, Matt couldn't fight the guilt welling up inside him.
Now Matt realized how stupid he'd been. He should have just accepted what Jeff said. Maybe if he had, then Jeff wouldn't be in so much pain and his mother wouldn't be crying her heart out.
Because, the truth was, he'd fallen. Just like Jeff had.
When the pain finally left, Jeff found himself blinded by bright light. Where was he? Was this where you went when you died?
Blinking, Jeff slowly opened his eyes. He was in a hospital room, hooked up to several beeping machines. An I.V. was in his wrist, pumping a clear liquid into his veins. He tried to raise his head, finding that he couldn't. Even trying to move his fingers was a challenge in of itself.
Groaning softly, Jeff's eyes fluttered closed again. He hadn't succeeded. Which meant that Matt still hated him and his life was meaningless. Of course. Jeff would have cursed something foul if he had the ability to.
That was when he heard someone enter the room.
"Is he awake?" That was Matt's voice.
"Yes, I believe so. I saw his eyes open a moment ago. You may speak to him if you wish. No promises that you'll get a response though." That voice was unfamiliar. Probably a doctor or nurse of some kind.
"Alright. Thank you." Was Matt's response. Jeff heard the sound of retreating footsteps.
"Jeffro? You awake over there?" Matt asked. Jeff wondered whether he should acknowledge his brother or not. But what other choice did he have? He couldn't ignore his sibling forever.
Lazily Jeff opened his eyes. He found Matt standing next his bed, peering down at him with worry in his warm brown eyes. Jeff swallowed and averted his eyes.
"Yeah. What is it?" His voice came out rough and scratchy. Seeing this, Matt grabbed a cup from on top of one of the many machines surrounding him and carefully brought it to Jeff's lips. He tipped it just enough for Jeff to get a few good swallows. Putting the cup back in it's place, Matt gently pushed back Jeff's bangs, which had fallen into his eyes.
"Why did you do it?" He whispered softly.
Jeff rolled his eyes, "Why do you think I did it?" He countered, daring his brother to answer.
Matt looked down, unable to meet Jeff's eyes.
"I'm so sorry Jeff. This is all my fault." He bit his lip, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks.
Jeff let out a sigh. He mustered up as much strength as he possibly could and reached out to take Matt's hand in his.
"It's alright. The only one to be blamed is me. It's wasn't your fault. I should have never told you in first place." Jeff murmured.
"No. That's where your wrong. I don't resent you for telling. I'm actually happy you did. Because if you hadn't, then I would have never realized." Matt said, his eyes meeting Jeff's once again.
"Realized what?" The words barely left Jeff's lips before Matt's mouth engulfed his own. Warmth immediately filled every inch of empty space inside Jeff. Using all of his energy, Jeff reached up and grabbed the back of Matt's head, pulling him closer. They kissed like this until the need for air became too great and Matt gently pulled away, resting his forehead against Jeff's.
"I love you. So much. And I'm sorry I drove you to this." Matt whispered, gently stroking Jeff's cheeks.
"It's okay, I love you too. And you're forgiven." Jeff whispered back, his eyes falling closed.
"Never do anything like this again? I couldn't bare losing you."
Jeff's eyes opened slightly and he whispered, "Never. I promise."
Matt smiled, placing a gentle peck on Jeff's lips.
"Now sleep Jeffy. I love you." Matt pressed a kiss to his brother's forehead.
Jeff smiled as he fell asleep and for once, he fell asleep feeling whole on the inside.
Okay, so I've done a story with a suicidal Jeff before but I really don't care. I'm sorry none of my stories have been updated in a while. I've been having writer's block and a lot of other things have been going on. And this story kinda sums up how I've been feeling lately. But that's another story entirely and I don't want to sound like I'm trying to get attention. Anyway, please read and review. I want to know how I did!