Title: Terms And Conditions
Warning: Innuendo and Crackiness
Summary: Nick Fury, Odin and Xander walk into a room... Just wait for the punchline.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I use these characters to make others smile and not to profit. Though if I could, I'd happily like to own my own Darcy and Faith... and Dawn and Natasha... and Sif and Buffy... and Maria and Willow... and Jane and Vi... and Pepper and Tara... and Loki. Don't judge me, Loki's been female at times.
Author's Notes: Written for the amazing LalaShivers/UsedKarma/Ophelie. Also, please go to TTH and read Manchester's "I'm Nick. I'm Xander." which is an amazing fic that's in the same vein as this. Manchester's was first, I'm trying to do my own take on this but would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that: A) I read it. B) It's great.
Author's Notes 2: This is not connected to "The Half-Blind Date." This is a separate entity, but THBD will be getting follow-ups of its own.
The mixed group of Avengers, Aesir and the Watcher's Council stood watching the deliberations going on behind the thick glass, blocking all heightened senses from being able to ascertain the topics. Inside the room sat three men, an eye apiece, in this first ever summit between representatives of superheroes, aliens/gods and mystically enhanced protectors. After a few little incidents it was time for an accord.
"Whatcha think they're talking about?" Faith asked Dawn beside her.
"I'm betting they're deciding who gets to be king after we're all blinded." Both girls looked at Tony for tossing his bits in.
"My father is already King and has no need to blind anyone," was Thor's oblivious to the joke comment.
"Come on, they're just working out an agreement so we don't step on each others toes and can support each other. Right?" Buffy's comment was soundly ignored by everyone except Bruce who offered her a small smile.
"Comparing stories about how they lost their eyes?" Offered Steve into the silence.
"Like Fury's ever going to give up that story," Clint threw in.
"No intelligence agency on this planet outside of SHIELD knows what happened to his eye and that file is only accessible by Fury. The best investigators and hackers in the world have tried to find out and failed. Even RedTree failed and reports are that never happens," Natasha educated the group. She noticed and cataloged the looks on Faith, Dawn and Buffy's face at mention of RedTree.
"I bet it was running with scissors or masturbation. Or both at the same time." Everyone turned to stare at Darcy who just shrugged. "Hey, everything's a fetish. Just check tumblr and you'll see."
As Steve blushed and looked uncomfortable Faith moved over to Darcy and out an arm around her. "Can we keep her?"
As Buffy started shaking her head no Dawn answered, "That's up to Xander but she gets my vote."
"How are your minion hours? I've got a pretty sweet job as Jane's office minion and PopTart fetcher. You might have to find her a fresh minion and caretaker. Also, I help even out the office cup sizes in the inter-office betting pools. Poor Jane lacks a rack and The Girls help us win," Darcy said with a quick shake of her chest. This had Steve blushing and moving to stand in the corner. Bruce had a ghost of a smile grace his lips as he continued trying to blend into the wall.
"There's two of them," Dawn said with a look of growing horror at Darcy and Faith. "Are you two related?"
"I hope not!" Faith said quickly. "If we are then I can't play with Her Girls."
"Do I get a say in if you get to play with them?" Darcy's voice held a note of warning.
"Of course. You'd get to play with My Girls in return," Faith said with a jiggle bounce of her own assets.
"As long as it's tit-for-tit," Darcy gave a definitive nod at that.
"I'll give you a million to see that," Tony said smiling. Thor just looked on amused and wondering if this is how mortals are. Clint tried to act like he wasn't wanting to see if Tony would record it for him and Natasha was acting like she didn't want to hit Clint since she knew him well enough to know what he was thinking. Buffy and Dawn just turned away and tuned them out, used to Faith.
"Dude, do we look cheap to you? A million each," Darcy demanded as Faith looked a bit stunned at the offer.
"Is that per girl or per breast?" Tony said with a wink.
Darcy reached out and felt up Faith's chest making the other girl jump, Tony laugh, Thor raise an eyebrow and Clint get hit in the back of the head by Natasha. "Yeah, they're quality. Definitely per breast."
"Then we have a deal. We'll work out arrangements later. Looks like the meeting's over," Tony nodded to the door as the three cyclops came out.
"We have come to an agreement, I will return to Asgard to inform them the terms." Odin gave his son a quick embrace and disappeared.
"He leaves us this fun, huh?" Xander muttered to Nick.
"Let's get to it," Fury said. "The logistics were worked out easy enough. But there have been several interpersonal terms added you need to be be advised of."
"Fraternization policy?" Natasha asked.
"Essentially. Let's begin. Bruce, you're not allowed near any of the Council's schools. It was decided it was best if you weren't around dozens or hundreds of hormonal teenage girls." At that Bruce happily nodded. "Steve, you're not allowed to spend more than two hours talking to either of the 'good' vampires they know and reminiscing about 'the good old days.'" Steve looked a bit confused at that but nodded in agreement like a good soldier.
Xander took over now. "Faith, you're not allowed near Mr. Stark without an escort and are also banned from 'breaking in' new SHIELD recruits." At that Faith pouted until Darcy whispered in her ear. Xander was almost afraid to ask what that was about. "Also, Dawn you're not allowed in any of the labs that have gadgets unless you have an escort." Dawn's out and glare were ignored.
"Mr. Stark," Nick said piercing him with a glare. "You're not allowed near Faith without Miss Potts or Mr. Rhodes chaperoning." Fury ignored the finger Tony flipped him. "Clint, you're not allowed to sulk when you see how well the Slayers can use their bows." Fury also deftly ignored Clint's glare.
"Buffy," Xander started and almost stopped at her glare. "You're not allowed date Loki or try lifting Thor's hammer. Also, if you can't pronounce the hammer's name properly you're to call it 'Thor's hammer' and not mangle its name." Buffy grumbled a little and looked at Thor's hammer, making him pull it closer to himself reflexively. "And when we get back I get to tell Willow she's not allowed to hack into SHIELD's mainframe or form a badass redhead league with Ms. Romanov."
"Thor, you're not to go with any Slayers, especially Faith, if they say they want to try and lift your hammer." Thor took it in stride but Fury got his second finger of the day thanks to Faith. "Natasha, we just ask that you don't break Xander." A smug smile graced Natasha's face as she gave a slight nod and Xander
"And out of respect for you all, we're banning Andrew from coming within one hundred meters of you. This is reduced to three meters in event of an apocalypse." When Xander said this Faith, Dawn and Buffy all smiled and sighed in relief.
"And." Nick Fury prompted with a glare at Xander.
With a sigh Xander spoke. "And," he tossed a glare at Fury. "I'm not allowed to date any Aesir, Avenger or SHIELD Agent." At this his girls burst out laughing despite his glare. That pretty much ended the meeting and the group began to disperse, the Avengers and Fury moving on as Xander and his girls spoke deciding on where to go to grab dinner. That was when Darcy moved in on him.
"I don't actually work for SHIELD, I work for Jane as a loyal minion. Does that mean you can 'date' me?" Darcy gave Faith a quick wink, causing her to move to Xander's other side.
"It depends on if you're likely to hurt me," Xander answered with a grin.
"I might zap you with my taser but that's it."
"Well I don't see why not."
"Great." Darcy looked over at Faith. "Think we can make it a threesome that Tony pays to watch?"
"Works for me, Boytoy does have some skills. You wanting to sex him up just to get in with us?"
"Nah, I want to sex him up just to get with you. You said he's the one who decides if you can keep me, even if I'm just doing you for the money," Darcy said with a wink as Xander made like a goldfish trying to figure out what's going on.
"Sounds good to me. Let's go find Stark and work out the details," Faith said, hooking arms with Darcy and Xander. "You two can be my escorts."
Xander still wasn't sure what was going on and let them lead him away. The last thing he heard that made any sense was Dawn yelling after them. "Don't break him!"